itchy memories

Yesterday morning I noticed a strange rash on both my arms. We were in the car on our way to the mud run(a race that requires crawling through the mud). I broke out in hives and it was itching me like crazy. I didn't think much of it at the time, but we happened to be talking about the hubby's aneurysm.
Last night things were going great. Chris and I have been getting along fabulously since the cruise, but then we started talking about our past. It really got me down. Even though we were noticing how the Lord has changed us for the better, just thinking about how awful life once was made me sick to my stomach. The hives came back.
Today was a good day. We started off the school week strong, burned 770 calories at the gym, and got quality time with the Littlest Thing. Throughout the day I kept noticing the date. 11/7/11... this was the day three years ago that we arrived in St. Augustine for the wedding I was in. I was a bridesmaid. I was happy to be out of town and with others. I couldn't stand my husband anymore. Actually, I borderline hated him.
So as I was making dinner I started thinking about that day three years ago. Right before the aneurysm. And then it hit me as I scratched my unbelievably itchy arm with a fork, my body was reacting to the memories.
And last night as Chris and I talked about our "beginning" as a couple I was scared and my body let me know that something bad was happening. There was a time that I couldn't even think about the early morning of 11/9/08 without having a full blown panic attack. I have gotten very good at controlling my breathing and being aware of my surroundings when the anxiety pops up, but my physical self can't be fooled.
I am not so foolish to think that we are out of the woods forever. I hope that the lessons we learned that night will keep us grounded and remind us to lay our lives down continually. But it's only been a few years. The night of his injury was traumatic. I walked in on him seconds after the aneurysm in his neck burst. I saw dead eyes when I lifted his eyelids and screamed for help. I watched others breathe for him until an ambulance could get there. Just minutes before that I was in trouble myself, screaming for help. Screaming for someone to come to my rescue. And now here I was calling for help for Chris. I thought that he was going to die because he probably should have. We were out of control people behaving like children. We were throwing away our lives because we were in pain and knew no other way to relieve it.
Not everyone gets a second chance. I know that it was the Lord who helped us put our new lives back together. If He did not choose for us to stay together, we wouldn't have. If Chris didn't turn to the Lord and change his behaviour and if the Lord didn't give me the heart to forgive, we would not have been able to stay together.
No one in our lives knew what was going to happen to us. We didn't know ourselves. If I could have seen a picture of our lives and our marriage today, I would not have believed it. Today I am completely in love beyond description. My husband is the biggest picture of Christ I have seen. Once in a while we go through a hard time and we fight a lot. I have found that it comes from old thoughts sneaking up on me. Also not seeing each other. He works a few hours away and has to go to bed much earlier than me to get there. I get stressed from being a single mom during the week. When we do things together, we begin getting along.
In 2 days we celebrate an anniversary. More important than the regular marriage date one. It's the anniversary of the nightmare that was beyond anything that I could have dreamt up myself, and it was simply a vehicle for Christ to show Himself. It is the day we celebrate our life together that we came very close to NOT having. It's the anniversary of the most awful and the best thing that ever happened to me. If Chris would have died that night I never would have gotten to know the beautiful human being he was. I never would have gotten to know Christ as my life giving, redeeming, magnificently powerful Hero. Christ performed a miracle three years ago. I hope I never take for granted the life He gave back to us.
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie