me and death

I found out yesterday a childhood friend died. Cancer. It wasn't someone I had talked to in the last 10 years, but the news still stopped me in my tracks. Some of life's most memorable moments included this kid... he will always be a kid in my memory.
All day I seemed to be untouched by little annoyances. Next to the death, nothing seemed important enough to waste time getting upset over. I was glad to hear that my friend knew the Lord and is with Him now. More than glad, it's actually a reason to rejoice. As kids we were the furthest away from Christ a person could get. It's great to know that I'm not the only one of our old group who found God.
I started thinking about the sadness that's followed each death this year. Two of my grandmas passed away within weeks of each other earlier, during the spring. It was devastating and I still find myself crying when I think about it. As a christian, I am in the painful position of dying often. The basis of my belief system is rooted in a death on a cross, then a death in myself. I have died with Christ and I share in His resurrection.
The past year a half have been a painful process as Christ has increased in my Spirit. It sounds all mystical, but it just means that I have been recognizing His voice within and listening to it, then living by it. As that's been happening, the selfish, hateful, prideful, offense ridden Jackie has been painfully dying. It has not felt good. There have been times that I wanted to scream and punch someone and choose to stay angry. There have been times that I've felt used and discarded by people that I though loved me and I couldn't hate them for it. I've wanted to cut people off, retaliate, or just hold a grudge.
One thing that isn't really talked about in the christian community is the grieving process that goes along with the death of self. To lose the walls that I have worked so hard to build my whole life is sad. Don't get me wrong, I am glad it's happening because the end result is Christ glorified. But the process doesn't feel good. Just like when the physical self dies there is sadness, grief happens in the spirit too. I have often had to take days and weeks to give myself room to deal with the changes going on. Letting go of my will to be somebody, to live apart from Christ, is the hardest thing I've ever done.
There has been a major revamping of who I am and as long as I am breathing, it will never be finished. The core of my being is Christ, but the flesh is still there. In each small opportunity to become offended, to retaliate, to be a bitch, I am faced with the choice... to live or die? To live is to follow my heart, to die is to follow Christ. Fortunately, because a major breaking of myself has happened(the core of who I am, my flesh, is broken) each decision to turn to Christ gets easier. And each time the choice to live by Christ's life is made, there is rejoicing.