are we not praying hard enough?

The last several months of my life have been filled with healing. That seems to happen when I draw near to the Lord particularly. Same with my husband. After 40 days of a Daniel fast he no longer needed major brain surgery(we found out he was healed as we went in for his pre-op appointment). The Lord blows me away constantly. It's not that I don't believe He can heal, I just wonder sometimes why He waits so long. Sometimes He does it quickly and sometimes it takes a while. Paul of Tarsus lived his whole life with a thorn in his side and I doubt it was due to a lack of faith.
As most of you who read my blog know, I recently went through a very long, excruciating process to wean off my medicine(highly addictive pain med). The Lord wants me healed and I had been prayed over, I claimed healing, I believed with all my heart that my pain would be gone(that was the only way I got through it), I envisioned healing, I tried everything. Unfortunately, I still could not move because of the pain after all that suffering. Did the Lord not want me healed? Of course not. Then why if I did everything that I could to do the 'footwork' was I not healed? I don't know. But, He is still Lord and His timing IS perfect.
I know several godly, faith filled people who are not healed yet. I also know of godly people who have died. Were they not trying hard enough to get well? The fact is, we live in a fallen world that includes pain and suffering and death and healings all the time.
For a while I thought that I was not healed of my endo/adeno/bladder pain because I didn't believe hard enough. As if the Lord can only do so much and then it's up to me to believe. That is what the world and religion tell us and it made me a failure by their standards.
If the Lord heals us, wonderful! He has done many big miracles and saved my hubby's life with some of them. If He doesn't, despite all our best efforts, He still loves us and still wants healing for us. Sometimes really bad things happen and we can't pray them away(I've tried). Sometimes I needed to turn to Him in the face of adversity instead of trying to avoid it.
If we have done all we can to get and remain healthy, and we are still sick, God is still God and we thank Him for everything.
Thanks for Reading!
Love,
Jackie

Even though...

Even though times are hard there is so much joy in Christ's life. Discovering each day what it means to turn to Christ is irritatingly hard. Everything I thought I knew about my faith was thrown out the window the day I decided to follow Him outside of the institutional church.
It hits me at some point several times throughout the day that I am in Him, I am following Him, and I have finally, finally found Him. When I became a Christian there was so much joy. There was a lot of pain and suffering(I was in year long a rehabilitation program), but there was most of all joy. Now, 13 years later, I have been returned to Him. I have finally been given back the joy that comes only through knowing Christ.
I used to read that scripture that talks about seeking Him with all my heart and when I seek Him with all my heart then I will find Him. I sought Him with all my heart for what felt like an eternity without knowing if I was 'finding' Him. I didn't know what it would be like to find Him. Would I get really spiritual? Would life hurt less?
What I learned most in finding Him is that He is not hiding and it's not hard to find Him. If I am desperate enough. I didn't find Him so much as I found that He is always within.
Chris and I are struggling right now in so many unspeakable ways. But we have Christ at the heart of our marriage and our lives. He heals us and guides us. Above all else, we have joy. We have such deep joy in Christ. When I realized that recently, it hit me that I have finally found Him! All of that seeking Him and all I had to do was open my eyes to see that He never went anywhere.
I was seeking Him and found freedom. He is freedom. I was seeking Him and found joy. He is joy. I was seeking Him and found fullness in every little detail of my life... He is that fullness.
In seeking Him I have become less. It is no longer I who do the things that I once claimed glory for. It truly is Christ who lives and is the goodness that fills my soul.
So... even though life is difficult to the ninth power right now, His joy is un-freakin'-shakable.
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie

His Way

Ahhh, the joy of dying to self... and the pain that comes along with it.
Letting go of all the expectations that have been in my heart is frustrating. Realizing that Christ is my everything when I want nothing more than to focus on my emotions, is hard.
It is Christ that surrounds me and that is the reason for my every breath. I say His name in each breath. Yahweh. As I contemplate knowing His desires and His heart I wonder why I still worry about earthly life. There is nothing big facing me right now. I love my home and the people that I see each day. I love the women that the Lord has made into my band of Sisters. I love that the Lord has answered my prayer and given my a closer relationship and more patience with my kids.
As you can see I have the best of life!
What I have not learned yet is to ignore the discontentment in others. I am not talking about the needs or feelings of people, but the rude actions of others. Being rude is a way of life in our culture today. It is encouraged everywhere. And for some reason, I still get hurt feelings by it.
Even as I type this I am seeing that I expect too much. I am learning to live by Christ's life. The same love that rescued the earth is dwelling inside of me and ministering to me, teaching me how to live. That is amazing! That is how the Lord designed it to work. So where does hurt feelings fit into all of this?
I suppose this is where I lay down my hurt feelings and acknowledge they are there, but that I am choosing Christ instead. Lord Jesus Christ is living on the earth today in His people and I am choosing Him. I cannot force another to choose Him, I can only look to Him myself.
These are painful lessons and all new to this Saint. As I end this, let me just say how much I love life right now, even as I lay it all down. I love being in Gainesville so much. The Body life with Brothers and Sisters in the Lord is an answer to prayer. It is what I've been seeking for all my years as a Christian. I love to watch the Lord get what He wants and be our Life.
Everything is a testament to Him and the glory is all His, that's what this daily death is all about.
Thanks for reading,
Jackie

one new man

My, Christ is big. Big enough that He gets into places in my heart I never wanted Him to go into, until now. He is all truth and meaning in my life, but to get here I didn't have to seek Him out the way I thought I needed to. I tried for so many years to let the Christian part of me overpower the 'flesh' part of me. I had my 'church' friends, my friends not from church, and my family. All these different groups of people that I could be a different version of myself with each group. I had my Christian 'heart' or personality, and then I had my flesh one. I was one or the other at any point in time.
Something amazing is happening in my soul. The two parts are becoming one person and it's because Christ has my full persmission to enter into me completely.
I am complete in Him. Totally complete. That means that no matter how long I live, how much ministry I engage in, how much Scripture I learn, how much theology I study, and how may hours I spend praying I will never get beyond Christ. It doesn't get any better than Christ.
Before letting go of religion, I had been learning all these methods and tricks. How to pray, how to seek Him, how to this and that. All I need is Him. Now I have heard some argue that 'we need certain ministries or certain ministry positions'. I don't. All I need is Christ. I actually do have authority over me, as we all do. But my authority shares Christ and only Christ and does not fill a paid position. He does not 'peddle the Word for profit' as Paul would say. I like that the leaders in my life arise naturally. They are never appointed a position. I like that the leaders in my life share Christ with me and never try to 'teach' me things. I see that this is also what the New Testament believers had as well.
When I look to Christ instead of my Brothers and my Sisters, I actually end up finding Him in them. It is hard to be anything other than humble when I am seeing Christ in another human. Instead of Christ simply 'bringing out the Christ in me' he is forming Christ in me. As He is being formed in me, it's easy to allow Him access to my whole heart.
Another thing I want to mention is that I am pretty perceptive as most women are. I can almost always tell when a little manipulating/deceiving is going on even though I just smile and politely act as if I don't know. This has made me kind of a paraniod person. What I am noticing lately is that Christ is allowing me to see the good, see Him, in His children. When there is no other agenda than Christ, I know that I am not going to be manipulated, stepped on, taken advantage of, or lied to. Not to say that my feelings won't ever get hurt by another, but I don't have to worry about agendas. By agendas, I mean money(like, a paid postition), power(leadership positions to be filled), personal pride(wanting to be the big fish), and standard jealousy(she's going to be liked more than me, then I will be forgotten). I have come across all these agendas in institutional church and my reaction has been to back down and hide away. I was never after a postition or a coveted spot in a clique. To be honest those things destracted me and made me wonder why I even stepped into a church in the first place. I want Christ, not programs and people with positions. So now I am out of the institutional church. I don't have a pastor or a spot I need to work to fill in the church. I have Christ. I have others who are so infatuated and engulfed in Christ that I couldn't imagine ever having time for positions and organized religion.
So this is what it is like to be in a relationship with Him for me. I no longer am seperate people with each group I am with. I am a girl who is learning that Christ dwells within and that I have freedom to embrace Him in others and to share Him with others as well.
Thanks for reading.
He Lives In Me,
Jackie

livin' it

Life has so much to offer. The older I get, the more I discover that there is no 'one' way to be. For example, for the last 10 years or so I tried to be a type of person that I wasn't in order to fit onto the 'christian' mold. I remember getting rid of movies that I loved in order to 'guard my heart', when in fact, there was nothing wrong or bad about those movies. They just weren't christian.
Another example is in my homeschooling. I joined some online support groups. What I noticed about a lot of the Moms I met was that their whole lives centered around homeschooling. The lifestyle had taken over and become number one in their families. So I became obsessed with this style of taking care of my kids and family. But then I began going through hard times(getting off my meds) and schooling wasn't the biggest part of my life anymore. And I have come to see that I like it this way.
Most of my life has been spent searching for Christ and finding out who I am in Him. I have learned a lot over the years, but it's only been recently that I am finding the real treasure. There is nothing that makes me who I am other than Christ. I defined who I was by what I was into at the moment. When I was younger, I was an opiate addict. It consumed me fully and I thought that for the rest of my life I would be in a love affair with the almighty opiate. She turned out to be a wicked bitch to serve. I was spared from her grip.
My early twenties were spent meeting and falling in love with Christ. I shunned traditional 'drug recovery' because why follow a man made plan for being free when I could have the living Christ. In the beginning it was pure and right. I joined a church at one point and wasn't feelin' it so I left. Since then I have searched for who I am in whatever my latest thing was... health nut, raw food diet, stay at home mommy, working mommy, volunteer, life of the party, homeschooler, and finally Christian. But not a woman who has Christ as her Lord. I was the Christian that the world taught me to be. The type who worries about my own sin and strives to overcome it. The type that served on every committee I could sign up for at church. I spent countless hours in prayer and meditation every week. I studied my bible and memorized scripture on a daily basis. I prayed without ceasing and worshipped through song each morning. And I didn't even know my Lord. But, I was the perfect little Christian. Until I began to ask questions and stand firm in some of my convictions(most notably, Christ is the Head of His Body, not a pastor. It all started with a little red book that takes dead aim at the holy grail of religion today:the modern day pastoral office. The book is called Pagan Christianity and it's by Frank Viola who is an amazing man of God and a person I call Brother). Then I was the rebel, troublemaker, and whatever else would make the religious feel better to call me. I stayed the outcast for a little while.
Then I met Christ again. Just like I had in my late teen years. And I began to fall in love with Him in a new way. For the first time I am seeing that all these parts of me and of my past make up who I am. I don't have to choose to be one way. I can be free to spend time on the things that have become enjoyable parts of life. I can be a homeschooler, without it being my religion. I can accept that I am a person who enjoys pod tea(legal tea blend made from the poppy plant) for the mild relaxation it brings when life gets physically painful. I can also be a health nut at the same time. I can be all the things and Christ will still be my Lord. I find that I actually have way more fellowship with Him now than I did spending all those years working and volunteering in 'ministry'. A perfect example of this new outlook: a mom asked me if I use christian curriculum in my homeschooling. I thought this was a really interesting question. I went to my favorite verse in the bible that I use in almost all my blogs(not real sure where, other than in Colossians)... Christ is all and is in all. I use curriculum and because I am in Christ, it is Christian. No matter what I use it will be Christian curriculum. That is how I feel about life. I can be all these things and still be totally and completely in the Lord, belonging to Him and serving Him. Even though it may not look like what the world or the conventional, institutional church thinks it should look like.
Thanks for reading.
Loving Him,
Jackie

what it is...

It's been a bit since I've written so I'll start by catching you up on life's latest doings...
Last week was my Sister's retreat. I was able to go to a beautiful state park in Georgia with a group of women I am coming to call my family. Christ was there in each of my Sisters. One day I will be there too, but not yet. I am too messed up right now. I love Christ and I know that He lives in me, but my flesh is always in the way of expressing His life.
I don't feel up for the tiresome task of completing my detox/withdrawal/cleansing. My body is confused. My mind is disoriented. I must "gear myself up" for each round of leveling down. I am at a place right now where I should probably wean down another half milligram, but I am still feeling pain and residual withdrawal from the last taper a week ago. Chris and I did the math last night and calculated that I have enough medication to last me another 6 months+ if I chose to stay on it. Those numbers really don't make me want to do this as quickly as I have been. If I wean down using the recommended schedule, I will feel very little illness. Unfortunately, I don't believe that's what the Lord wants from me.
His wisdom is something that I used to acquire like little tidbits here and there when I had enough quiet meditation and prayer time with the Father. Something has changed in my life and wisdom is being imparted daily, hourly sometimes. It is the greater revelation of knowing who He is sans religion. It is also the prayers of my righteous fellow man that is allowing me to hear Him clearly. I know that I need to be off this medicine quickly. I know the Lord wants this for me.
I am praying that His strength will indwell and inhabit my body as well. As I sit here typing this, pain is swelling in my back and wrapping around to my sides, then my abdomin. I have to wonder, if I can completely let go of myself and have total communion with my Lord, will the pain be miniscule? A minor annoyance rather than a crippling thorn in my side?
Not too much new here... just getting tired, while at the same time hopeful for little things. I want to be excited about homeschooling like I was just a couple of months ago. Getting off these meds requires my total attention and devotion. It's hard to even have a two way conversation when I am concentrating every moment on not doing exsacly what my body needs for relief. I am also excited to experience Christ as the Body. I have always loved and understood Him as the Godhead, but I have never known and loved Him as the Body. That is the fullness of the Lord. I see it. I am an outsider looking in right now. I am excited that one day I will be a part of that Body, one that it present and clear minded, without narcotics running through my blood. I am also excited about health. I have been detoxing my body of all toxins, not just my medicine. Chris and I are both doing a 2 month long colon cleanse as well as a full body detox program. We are using DrNatura's formula, a little pricey, but supposidly the best. I am excited to live with a clean body, mind, and soul.
Thanks for reading.
Jesus is Awesome,
Jackie

above the rain clouds

This blog has been on my heart to write for a while now. The kids are sleeping, laundry's done, grocery shopping's done, and I feel the Lord leading me to write. So here it goes...
Sometimes people come along into my life that tend to tear down. By tear down, I mean pointless critizism as opposed to healthy critizism, or backhanded compliments, or simply trying to play games. Now, I am not as tough as I used to be, but I still know how to deal with these types of people. Usually it is someone who is not stable in anyway or has a dark cloud always overhead. I figure out if a character is shady/not shady this way... I have 3 amazing brothers. These guys really are the greatest people I know and I would do anything for them. They are surfers, hilarious, and would give their lives for the people they care about. If someone in my life wouldn't be able to hang out with them and just chill, I don't get too close to that person.
Ten years ago I was known for popping females in the face just for caddy remarks(only twice, but they were good ones). Today I am actually not ruled by flesh. My flesh will begin to manifest when I dwell too long on a comment or a conversation that I may feel needs a little 'correction', but overall, I am ruled by my Lord. I let both males and females say pretty much whatever they want to me. If I care about the person I will talk, have a conversation, and basically respect myself enough to not get railroaded.
I have found that lately I seem to be caring less and less about anyone who feels so jealous, out of control, or angry that they need to put me down. I am strong these days and can handle it. I have the strength to turn the other cheek all day long if needed. The world sees this as weakness, fear even. Actually, it is my flesh giving way to the Spirit within me. If a person is extra delusional I even go along with it just because there's no point in rocking the boat if I truly don't care.
I feel strong. This is not the world's type of strong, but something bigger and more calming. There has never been more peace than there is now. There has never been more clarity than now. I see that the world is full of issues. And I am okay with that for the first time. Nothing seems that scary because I truly feel that the Lord is with me and I am above the pain.
If anything I am beginning to see the fear, pain, and unsettlement with the discontented. And I thank the Lord because this is His gift to me.
I am not saying that I am totally immune to any slip of the double edged sword, only that it is simply annoying now. If I do settle on negative words spoken over me too long I bring it before my Lord and confess it to my husband and he usually makes me laugh at it one way or another.
There are safe places in the world, but sometimes I need to venture away from them and come into contact with gloom. It used to cut me deep. It is now barely a scrape and I really wanted to blog about it. Maybe for my benefit or maybe for someone else's.
God Bless,
Jackie

drug addict vs. physically dependant

After reading a great article on breaking addictions I was left feeling more discouraged and confused than ever. I think that most folks don't understand opiate addiction. It is hands down the most excruciating, painful, agonizing event one can go through in one's life. It is not the same as breaking a nicotine or fast food addiction, or even a cocaine or crack addiction. Let me explain a little further.
Opiates have the ability to hook folks on two seperate levels... physcologically as well as physically. When taking a medication for pain, (especially pain from complications after getting 2 organs removed, as I had) the level of euphoria that is reached by these medications are zero. Therefore no real phsycological or emotional addiction occurs. It's different than if an addict were taking drugs to get high or escape pain.
Unfortunately, once my dopamine receptors in my body got used to being filled unnaturally by the prescription narcotics, I became physically addicted. I had no emotional or mental dependance on these drugs. My physical being became so used to having artificial endorphins that it formed a strictly physical dependance.
That is why although I am physically addicted to the medicine my body has gotten used to, I am certainly not a drug addict that craves anything from this drug. If anything, it made me feel like crap while on it, it put me in bads moods often.
One of the better solutions I have heard on how to fix an addiction is to fast. I highly recommend doing this in order to break any stronghold in one's life. I have done it before in dealing with anxiety issues and it does hold power.
However, to fast during an excruciating opiate withdrawal would be pure hell. In addition to dealing with pain from no longer taking my meds, I would have to deal with withdrawal symptoms as well as try to stop the muscle spasms and leg kicks long enough to pray.
One of the best pieces of advice I can give to someone going through this physical ordeal is to eat a healthy and low processed diet. Eat lots or fruits and veggies. Detox from opiates has killed many people. I think that if I needed to do a fast for a physcological withdrawal I would certainly wait until it was physically safe as well as possible. Fortunately the Lord shielded me from ever becoming 'dependant' on this medicine the way a person becomes dependant on other soothing or relaxing addictions.
I appreciate reading about how others got through thier addictions. I think it's important to share what worked and what didn't. It makes the road smoother for those yet to go through it. That is why I am writing this blog.
What is important to remember is that there are different types of withdrawals, drugs to withdrawal from, as well as addictions. A plan for someone who got high is going to be different than a plan for someone who took small doses of appropriate medicine for pain associated with endometriosis, adenomyosis, organ removal, as well as bladder sling surgery.
I also feel it's important that a person who's body has become used to and dependant on meds, not be lumped in with a person who takes drugs to feed a craving or to attain a feeling.
Hope this didn't bore you to death. Just had to clear this up.
God Bless,
Jackie

all over the place

It seems like and certainly feels like I have been making good progress lately. My daily dosing is miniscule compared to what it was just two weeks ago. I can't say that it's getting any easier though. Some tough decisions had to be made recently reguarding my water pots and there are now only two currently at home. My Mom and Dad are helping me with the oldest of the three, since he is the one that suffers the most when I am out of comission.
It is the hardest part of this whole withdrawal mess... my life crumbles around me while I take time to get well. Our schedule is non-existent, our meals become simpler, and the laundry and general straightening up don't get done. My bones and muscles don't allow me to move the way I need to in order to get housework done and my brain can't focus on anything other than pain or panic. Not to get too gross or graphic, but the consistant vomiting and gut wrenching gastro issues are in full swing as well. I have reached the point of no return. In order to feel "better" I would need to take such a high milligram dose of my medicine that it would set me waaaay back in the plan.
I have discovered another natural seed(at the health food store) that seems to help more than the others with the symptoms, but in order to extract the main healing qualities that would give me some relief, I need to brew it into a tea and drink it... and my tummy just can't handle that right now.
Although I feel like I am dying, there is something good going on inside of me. Healing of my soul and restoration of the Spirit that was quieted for a while. I didn't even realize it. I didn't see the Mom I had become. My patience was gone with my kids. I homeschooled, but I had become a Nazi about it. There has not been much joy in my house lately and it was all because of my moods. Anyone who has had to take pain medicine for any period of time knows that while on it, our patience level is zero. I was perpetually irritated with everyone and everything almost all the time. I couldn't relax and enjoy my kids. I was not taking the best care of these amazing little humans entrusted to me by our Lord.
Having this revelation made me ill. I haven't cried that hard in a long time, as I did when it hit me what type of person I've been lately. The Lord has been bringing past conversations and experiences to my mind that I had forgotten about. I can never again go back to being a complete bitch constantly numbed to my bitchiness because of opiates.
These new revelations kind of get me down, but also kind of give me hope. I have given myself over to the Lord. That is how I know everything will be better than okay. He helps me and I literally burst out in songs of thanksgiving. I can't wait to be whole and healthy.
Thanks for reading.
God Bless,
Jackie

no end in sight...

The days are getting long and annoying. I was able to get some relief last night as I met with the Saints in Gainesville, but now I am back in my home. Sitting here at the table trying not to think about the anxiety and hopelessness that keeps trying to take over my mind.
I am almost two weeks into this weaning process and I still have a ways to go. I take just enough of my prescription narcotic to keep me from going over to the 'dark side' in my mind.
Withdrawal is withdrawal, whether I am getting off of herion or percocets, it all feels the same. An opiate kick is a universal sickness. A sickness that I am getting so used to, that it feels like a part of me.
When I first began to clean out the toxins in my kitchen pantry and fridge as well as the products in my bathroom, I figured that this weaning process would be a breeze. My hopes were high and I was not worn down with 10 days of sickness, anxiety, and depression.
Now, I am sure that I could be feeling alot worse if I decided to overload my liver, kidneys, and colon with processed junk. But I am certainly not skating out of the standard symptoms just because I am eating better now. I do have to say that the remedies that have kept me from losing my mind have been these... Kava tea, valerian root, wheat grass shots that seem to give me burts of energy, and melatonin for sleep. Probably the most important part of my detox has been the strength of my Lord.
Whenever I've tried to do this before it has always been my weakness that has caused me to fear and give in. I have to say that this time my weakness have proven to be my most important variable in all this... He is showing Himself strong and real to me. He is here and I know that this is the right time to do this. I saw Him last night and as I was prayed for, realized that it was Him praying for me through His Body.
So, today I am weary. I am getting tired of feeling sick. And I am totally and desperately dependant on my Lord to get me through this.
Thanks for reading.
Jackie

my doctor is a drug dealer

This morning was my appointment with my pain doctor. I informed him of my decision to wean off of my medicine in an attempt to be completely free by the time we move to Gainseville. I was hoping he would offer words of encouragement, advice, and maybe even some blood pressure medicine to help.
Instead, I was offered an additional script for the narcotic that I am trying to stop taking, as well as some extra refills, and a referral to see the pain doctor at Shands in Gainesville. Devastated, discouraged, confused, and for a moment second guessing why I am going through this at all, I feel let down.
The car ride home was difficult. I kept asking myself if I was making the right decision. A heartfelt prayer and deep breathing reminded me that in my own strength it will be hard, too hard.
I am listening to my Lord in every situation these days, particularly this one. This medicine has numbed me from certain feelings. It has taken away pain as well as taken away a piece of my personality and my excitement for life that I once had. It has made me a shadow of my true self. So will it be worth the pain to live totally clear minded? We'll see, but I think so.
The last couple of months, the side effects of all the un-natural substances put into my body has been making me sick and zapping me of the energy I need to live this life to the fullest. Not only the opiates, but all the processed food, sugar, and dairy. All of it has made me feel like an eighty year old woman trapped in my skin.
Today is rough. My patience is at an all time low. I can't sit still. Every other minutes feels like I am on the verge of a heart attack. Crying does no good. The sound of myself crying irritates the crap out of me. Screaming helps, but can't do it with my little ones here. To be touched brings about an uncomfortable-ness that makes me jump out of my skin. To hold a conversation, even a short one, brings about panic attacks. Darn, this is getting hard.
Looks like I may have to slow down the weaning process for the sake of my family. My kids well being is more important than urgency I am feeling to be done with it. They are really good boys who are happy to be having "days off" from our normal routine of preschool in the am and first grade in the afternoon. They really are good kids.
I just took valerian root for the anxiety and I am going to make some Kava Kava tea to try to quiet my mind and relax my aching body.
Thanks for reading. God Bless.
He is Good,
Jackie

waking up from the opiate fog

Here I am again. In this place of hope and renewal as well as despair and death.
I am dopesick, only I don't do dope. For the last year I have been on the drug many call 'methadone light'. It is a narcotic that I have been taking for pain following my surgery last year. My doctor and I had planned to follow a long term pain management program. And that was the plan. Until last week...
The Lord confirmed in my heart that it is safe and right to wean off this drug. This is the time to do it. It has been about a week since I started this process. It has not been as easy as I hoped which makes me believe that when I make the final jump to completely opiate free, life will become hell on earth. I plan on journalling this month as I go through the detox. It helps me and maybe one day it will help another.
The past severals days have been an experiment, sort of. My plan is to be so incredibly health-ful and nutrition packed that I actually live a little through the withdrawal. I have stocked up on all sorts of natural remedies for stress... Kava tea and valerian root; I have begun a Colonix colon detox program and eventually will add a kidney and liver detox too. Cut out processed, sugary, foods. No more gluten or cows milk... only almond milk from now on. Wheat grass shots in the am, mineral vitamins, B6, and melatonin in the pm. As well as excersize and the most important part of my plan... staying in the Word constantly. Like everytime I get a minute to read a verse or a few verses.
So far I ache and I crave, bad. I feel alright half the time and like Leo in Basketball Diaries the rest of the time. And I am in the beginning stages. I do not look forward to the days after I take the jump completely off.
I will keep posting throughout.
Thanks for reading. God Bless.
Jackie

no longer living the individual christian life...

Is there such a thing as "God's will" for my life?
I used to think so. The question that I have been asking lately is, what is the purpose for us being here? As I learn the answer to that question I also learn that I will never have a corner on the truth. None of us will in this life and anyone who claims to is dangerous.
What I do know is that my purpose for being here has more to do with God than it does with fulfilling human need. As much as it feels like my purpose is my kids, my husband, opening up a home for women in need, sharing the Gospel, etc., my real purpose is to express life. Life given to me by my Creator. I am here because He wants me here.
The Bible speaks over and over again about living as a Body and being built together with Christ as the "Foundation" or the "Cornerstone". He never speaks about sending us on individual crusades to save the world. Every purpose designed for humans was designed for the Church as a whole.
I have spent most of my Christian life searching for God's will for my life, but His will is that I would join the church in it's purpose. He is coming back for His Bride, not for a bunch of people here and there, but for "a Bride". One Bride.
What about different denominations? How can we be one Bride when we are divided into this pastor's church and that pastor's church? I believe that denominations slice up the Body. Christ's words were not meant to be debated over and torn apart. His teachings were not meant to divide us. I believe that His words were meant for us to share and to give us life to express when we do come together as the Body.
I don't know where this 'individual' or 'personal' Savior trend started. Certainly not in the Bible. God doesn't call us to live individually or personally. He called us to live lives together. To know eachother's kids and to lift eachother up when a member needs lifting up. What I have seen and have had happen to me in the religious institutions are sickening... members being tossed out for 'saying the wrong things'. Church planters staying well beyond the 'church planting' stage and taking the wrongful place at the head of Christ's Church. Giving credit to people that belongs to Christ Himself. I will never fall into that trap again. In our search for God's will for our lives, we forgot that this isn't about us. This life isn't about how to live more comfortably, or how to get more wealth, or how to build bigger church buildings. Paul was so patient and loving and kind in reminding the Church over and over again that He is all we need. Everything is rubbish next to having Christ live in and through us.
To see Her, the Church, as the fiance' of our Jesus is stunning. She moves with Him and needs Him and doesn't want to live without Him. It no longer becomes about us and our needs, but about our King, Jesus Christ.
I am so grateful that the Lord has forgiven me for taking my eyes off of Him. I am thankful for the grace He's given me in bringing me back to walking with Him in righteousness and faith.
Thank you for reading my very first blog on here. I look forward to writing many more that reveal the words on my heart.
In Him,
Jackie