what it is...

It's been a bit since I've written so I'll start by catching you up on life's latest doings...
Last week was my Sister's retreat. I was able to go to a beautiful state park in Georgia with a group of women I am coming to call my family. Christ was there in each of my Sisters. One day I will be there too, but not yet. I am too messed up right now. I love Christ and I know that He lives in me, but my flesh is always in the way of expressing His life.
I don't feel up for the tiresome task of completing my detox/withdrawal/cleansing. My body is confused. My mind is disoriented. I must "gear myself up" for each round of leveling down. I am at a place right now where I should probably wean down another half milligram, but I am still feeling pain and residual withdrawal from the last taper a week ago. Chris and I did the math last night and calculated that I have enough medication to last me another 6 months+ if I chose to stay on it. Those numbers really don't make me want to do this as quickly as I have been. If I wean down using the recommended schedule, I will feel very little illness. Unfortunately, I don't believe that's what the Lord wants from me.
His wisdom is something that I used to acquire like little tidbits here and there when I had enough quiet meditation and prayer time with the Father. Something has changed in my life and wisdom is being imparted daily, hourly sometimes. It is the greater revelation of knowing who He is sans religion. It is also the prayers of my righteous fellow man that is allowing me to hear Him clearly. I know that I need to be off this medicine quickly. I know the Lord wants this for me.
I am praying that His strength will indwell and inhabit my body as well. As I sit here typing this, pain is swelling in my back and wrapping around to my sides, then my abdomin. I have to wonder, if I can completely let go of myself and have total communion with my Lord, will the pain be miniscule? A minor annoyance rather than a crippling thorn in my side?
Not too much new here... just getting tired, while at the same time hopeful for little things. I want to be excited about homeschooling like I was just a couple of months ago. Getting off these meds requires my total attention and devotion. It's hard to even have a two way conversation when I am concentrating every moment on not doing exsacly what my body needs for relief. I am also excited to experience Christ as the Body. I have always loved and understood Him as the Godhead, but I have never known and loved Him as the Body. That is the fullness of the Lord. I see it. I am an outsider looking in right now. I am excited that one day I will be a part of that Body, one that it present and clear minded, without narcotics running through my blood. I am also excited about health. I have been detoxing my body of all toxins, not just my medicine. Chris and I are both doing a 2 month long colon cleanse as well as a full body detox program. We are using DrNatura's formula, a little pricey, but supposidly the best. I am excited to live with a clean body, mind, and soul.
Thanks for reading.
Jesus is Awesome,
Jackie