It seems like and certainly feels like I have been making good progress lately. My daily dosing is miniscule compared to what it was just two weeks ago. I can't say that it's getting any easier though. Some tough decisions had to be made recently reguarding my water pots and there are now only two currently at home. My Mom and Dad are helping me with the oldest of the three, since he is the one that suffers the most when I am out of comission.
It is the hardest part of this whole withdrawal mess... my life crumbles around me while I take time to get well. Our schedule is non-existent, our meals become simpler, and the laundry and general straightening up don't get done. My bones and muscles don't allow me to move the way I need to in order to get housework done and my brain can't focus on anything other than pain or panic. Not to get too gross or graphic, but the consistant vomiting and gut wrenching gastro issues are in full swing as well. I have reached the point of no return. In order to feel "better" I would need to take such a high milligram dose of my medicine that it would set me waaaay back in the plan.
I have discovered another natural seed(at the health food store) that seems to help more than the others with the symptoms, but in order to extract the main healing qualities that would give me some relief, I need to brew it into a tea and drink it... and my tummy just can't handle that right now.
Although I feel like I am dying, there is something good going on inside of me. Healing of my soul and restoration of the Spirit that was quieted for a while. I didn't even realize it. I didn't see the Mom I had become. My patience was gone with my kids. I homeschooled, but I had become a Nazi about it. There has not been much joy in my house lately and it was all because of my moods. Anyone who has had to take pain medicine for any period of time knows that while on it, our patience level is zero. I was perpetually irritated with everyone and everything almost all the time. I couldn't relax and enjoy my kids. I was not taking the best care of these amazing little humans entrusted to me by our Lord.
Having this revelation made me ill. I haven't cried that hard in a long time, as I did when it hit me what type of person I've been lately. The Lord has been bringing past conversations and experiences to my mind that I had forgotten about. I can never again go back to being a complete bitch constantly numbed to my bitchiness because of opiates.
These new revelations kind of get me down, but also kind of give me hope. I have given myself over to the Lord. That is how I know everything will be better than okay. He helps me and I literally burst out in songs of thanksgiving. I can't wait to be whole and healthy.
Thanks for reading.
God Bless,
Jackie
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