As a human being I have the need to want to fix things. I want to work on issues an talk about struggles until I feel better. It's only been this last year that the Lord has quieted me in that area. As I am being transformed I am laying down the need to be pushy with what I want... even if what I want is a righteous thing. It's a work in progress, but I believe one day I may even express a meek and quiet Spirit(the Spirit of Christ) in every situation.
As a person I want to be liked and included in everything. When I hear about a group of friends that's gotten together I feel left out, naturally. Towards the end of this year I began to recognize that I don't even like being in groups. They bring on heaps of anxiety for me. I like being at home with my family. I also see that groups are meant to include(those invited) and exclude(those not invited). There are only a few types of groups that don't do this. Recently old friends of ours separated and their church has stopped talking to one of them. I would say churches were safe from being called "exclusive" but obviously not.
As a married lady I need to have security from my husband. I need to know that he only has eyes for me. I need to know that he'll never use his strength against me. Unfortunately we are not promised forever from our mere mortal spouses, but we are from Christ. So this year I learned that nothing is promised. Chris and I are the happiest we have ever been and more in love that I thought possible, but Christ is the only eternal thing.
As a mom I've learned that I know less than I thought. I know that while free in Christ, I enjoy His direction and am happy to follow His lead. This year Christ gave me new boldness in my parenting because it's all been by His life. Right now my kids are young and as a parent I have the God-given control and God-given authority. I am not blown by the wind by this or that anymore. I read homeschool blogs daily and subscribe to 3 hs magazines. Every time I'd hear about a new system or curriculum or style, I would try it out or simply doubt what we were currently using. I have also found my voice when it come to parenting philosophies that we've implemented. I am the only one in our church group that doesn't reward for good behaviour(we punish for bad and being good is it's own reward). I have been able to speak up and find my voice in this safe environment where no one wants to hurt me. Had I done this in the world I would have been steamrolled into changing or made to feel like I was being controlling.
I have one more... "As a Saint living by Christ's life I've learned...", but it's going to have to wait. That one's getting a whole blog entry on February 1st.
Thanks for reading and joining me in this eventful year of writing. No one replies on here, but so many of you have let me know that you read my writing. Keeping this blog has been therapeutic and helpful to me. The fact that you read it, is frosting on the cake. I love you friends and family!
Happy New Year!
Love,
Jackie
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Monday, December 26, 2011
the point of homeschooling
The point of homeschooling: This has been a major topic of discussion in our home lately. Are we giving our kids an eduction, or something more?
Last week we got some disturbing news. A fellow homeschooling mom, one in my group here in Gainesville, lost her son. He had been homeschooled his whole life and was enjoying his second year of college. He is gone. If all homeschooling is, is education, then this mother's years were a waste. This tragedy is showing me there is so much more to what we are doing.
Chris and I together feel that the most important goal of parenting is our children's soul, and that the Lord lives in it. I really want to write about why, in light of the what happened to my friend last week.
Something that I've really enjoyed is all the time spent together. I consider it a blessing when I see them at their worst because I feel that it's clear direction in what we need to talk about. When I see selfishness, rudeness, or anything in them, we take the time to work on it and seek the Lord about it. I was amazed the first time I saw Thing 1 begin to have friends and hang out with them. I thought he was a perfect angel and never in a million years did I think he was capable of bullying. I never would have seen that if I hadn't been there. If I was sending him off to school, I would only know the Thing 1 that I see at home.
I know each of their friends and friend's families. I only take them to spend time with the ones I know well. I had friends who took me into North Philly and showed me how to buy heroin when I was 13. Call it controlling, call it over-protective, I have seen a darker side of the human condition and I'm not taking chances with my kids. I am not losing them to drugs. The Lord promised that if I trained them up in the way they should go, they will not depart from it. He does not lie.
A benefit to homeschooling is closeness. A mom in my homeschool group shared that recently that she has an unusual closeness with her teenagers. A few of the others agreed that the normal teenage rebellion and attitude never happened in their home. There was a closeness between siblings as well as between parent and child. I am hopeful for this.
I am looking forward to homeschooling into the teen years, but only God knows. I want to live life together with them. I don't want a teacher to be with them when they discover new things and during the best hours of their day. I want that time with them. My hope for them is that they would have the opportunity to turn to Christ all day long without getting sidetracked. My hope is that they would choose the friends they want to spend time with and not be forced to be with kids in their class.
If my child dies two years out of their homeschool career, I will know that the time invested in their "education" was not wasted. I got time with them, closeness with them, and I will know that I invested in their soul.
My friend Mardy is confident that Patrick is with our Lord. She talked often about the grace required to raise a teenager. She was loving and forgiving and encouraged me to humble myself before my children. I can see that she did the same with her own children. When we first heard that her son had passed, Chris and I thought about how devastated she must be, after parenting & homeschooling this kid for 15 years, to lose him. But the more we talked about it we saw that this is where the rubber meets the road. We are training our children so that they know the Lord and are prepared at any time to meet Him in heaven. This life is a vapor and I often forget not to get too comfortable here. If my children serve their purpose in 19 short years, then I will be envious of them.
We homeschool because I can not raise them after school and on weekends. I have my hands full with 3 boys and I need all day. I want a closeness with them, conversation with them, and the time with them that I have right now. One day we may put them in public school, but right now the Lord has us here.
Our main goal in parenting and in homeschooling have nothing to do with our earthly lives. It's not about preparing them for work one day, or for college. Our lives as parents is to raise people who know Christ. In knowing Him all the little things happen. If our kids know Christ and He lives on the inside of them, they will be loving people. They will have a good relationship with their dad and me. They will put others above themselves. And best of all, they will be with our Lord when they die.
Thanks for reading.
Love,
Jackie
Last week we got some disturbing news. A fellow homeschooling mom, one in my group here in Gainesville, lost her son. He had been homeschooled his whole life and was enjoying his second year of college. He is gone. If all homeschooling is, is education, then this mother's years were a waste. This tragedy is showing me there is so much more to what we are doing.
Chris and I together feel that the most important goal of parenting is our children's soul, and that the Lord lives in it. I really want to write about why, in light of the what happened to my friend last week.
Something that I've really enjoyed is all the time spent together. I consider it a blessing when I see them at their worst because I feel that it's clear direction in what we need to talk about. When I see selfishness, rudeness, or anything in them, we take the time to work on it and seek the Lord about it. I was amazed the first time I saw Thing 1 begin to have friends and hang out with them. I thought he was a perfect angel and never in a million years did I think he was capable of bullying. I never would have seen that if I hadn't been there. If I was sending him off to school, I would only know the Thing 1 that I see at home.
I know each of their friends and friend's families. I only take them to spend time with the ones I know well. I had friends who took me into North Philly and showed me how to buy heroin when I was 13. Call it controlling, call it over-protective, I have seen a darker side of the human condition and I'm not taking chances with my kids. I am not losing them to drugs. The Lord promised that if I trained them up in the way they should go, they will not depart from it. He does not lie.
A benefit to homeschooling is closeness. A mom in my homeschool group shared that recently that she has an unusual closeness with her teenagers. A few of the others agreed that the normal teenage rebellion and attitude never happened in their home. There was a closeness between siblings as well as between parent and child. I am hopeful for this.
I am looking forward to homeschooling into the teen years, but only God knows. I want to live life together with them. I don't want a teacher to be with them when they discover new things and during the best hours of their day. I want that time with them. My hope for them is that they would have the opportunity to turn to Christ all day long without getting sidetracked. My hope is that they would choose the friends they want to spend time with and not be forced to be with kids in their class.
If my child dies two years out of their homeschool career, I will know that the time invested in their "education" was not wasted. I got time with them, closeness with them, and I will know that I invested in their soul.
My friend Mardy is confident that Patrick is with our Lord. She talked often about the grace required to raise a teenager. She was loving and forgiving and encouraged me to humble myself before my children. I can see that she did the same with her own children. When we first heard that her son had passed, Chris and I thought about how devastated she must be, after parenting & homeschooling this kid for 15 years, to lose him. But the more we talked about it we saw that this is where the rubber meets the road. We are training our children so that they know the Lord and are prepared at any time to meet Him in heaven. This life is a vapor and I often forget not to get too comfortable here. If my children serve their purpose in 19 short years, then I will be envious of them.
We homeschool because I can not raise them after school and on weekends. I have my hands full with 3 boys and I need all day. I want a closeness with them, conversation with them, and the time with them that I have right now. One day we may put them in public school, but right now the Lord has us here.
Our main goal in parenting and in homeschooling have nothing to do with our earthly lives. It's not about preparing them for work one day, or for college. Our lives as parents is to raise people who know Christ. In knowing Him all the little things happen. If our kids know Christ and He lives on the inside of them, they will be loving people. They will have a good relationship with their dad and me. They will put others above themselves. And best of all, they will be with our Lord when they die.
Thanks for reading.
Love,
Jackie
Monday, December 19, 2011
chillaxin
Maybe it's the season, maybe it's a gift from the Lord, or maybe I'm manic, but right now I am happy. It happened without realizing, it slipped in through the back door while I was living my life. The other day I was noticing how calm I was beginning to feel and wasn't used to it. I actually started looking for something to be stressed about. It felt strange not being tensed up.
Something important that I'd like to note(mostly so I can remember it) is that I don't have anything major I am trying to get accomplished right now. I guess I used to be pretty pushy. It's relaxing not having an sort of agenda to carry out. A big goal of mine over the last [insert whatever amount of time here] has been to become more likable, to become worthy of notice, to get people to see the "good side" of me so they'll like me. I wanted to be thought of when others needed a friend. I wanted to push myself into being something to somebody.
Well, doing that was good and sometimes even productive,but I was stressed to the max all the time. I was wound so tight that the sound of my children laughing irritated me. I wasn't able to do it anymore. I needed to do a little more in our homeschooling and I had to cut back on everything else. So I intentionally decided that it would probably be a good thing if all my thoughts and energy went into the very practical act of parenting(which is a lot of what our homeschooling is). I know this isn't very spiritual and it would sounds a lot better if I wrote something about seeking out the Lord in my quiet time alone with Him, and searching for Him in secret places, and discovering Him again in the Word. But that's not what happened. Not to say that Christ isn't all over it though!
The simple act of releasing the desire to do more and letting go of the need to do more in order to be known and be liked, was the seed. And now I am feeling happy. I know that I am a part of my family, my church, my people that know me and love me. I am a part of those things without trying or concerning myself with my image.
I make mistakes. I put a both feet in my mouth at the same time. I say things that make me feel stupid later when I'm alone. But because I am happy and relaxed, I can find peace in knowing that it is always going to be Christ that accepts me through others. There is no need to explain or prove anything, unless I am trying to gain human attention and affection.
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie
Something important that I'd like to note(mostly so I can remember it) is that I don't have anything major I am trying to get accomplished right now. I guess I used to be pretty pushy. It's relaxing not having an sort of agenda to carry out. A big goal of mine over the last [insert whatever amount of time here] has been to become more likable, to become worthy of notice, to get people to see the "good side" of me so they'll like me. I wanted to be thought of when others needed a friend. I wanted to push myself into being something to somebody.
Well, doing that was good and sometimes even productive,but I was stressed to the max all the time. I was wound so tight that the sound of my children laughing irritated me. I wasn't able to do it anymore. I needed to do a little more in our homeschooling and I had to cut back on everything else. So I intentionally decided that it would probably be a good thing if all my thoughts and energy went into the very practical act of parenting(which is a lot of what our homeschooling is). I know this isn't very spiritual and it would sounds a lot better if I wrote something about seeking out the Lord in my quiet time alone with Him, and searching for Him in secret places, and discovering Him again in the Word. But that's not what happened. Not to say that Christ isn't all over it though!
The simple act of releasing the desire to do more and letting go of the need to do more in order to be known and be liked, was the seed. And now I am feeling happy. I know that I am a part of my family, my church, my people that know me and love me. I am a part of those things without trying or concerning myself with my image.
I make mistakes. I put a both feet in my mouth at the same time. I say things that make me feel stupid later when I'm alone. But because I am happy and relaxed, I can find peace in knowing that it is always going to be Christ that accepts me through others. There is no need to explain or prove anything, unless I am trying to gain human attention and affection.
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie
Monday, December 12, 2011
parenting by the Life
We were away for several days on a vacation. It was great! We went to Nickelodeon's Resort for families(which is super duper kid friendly). Chris and I are normally very stressed out when with the kids. We try to be great parents and it takes so much out of us. So the name of the game this weekend was "fun." We simply wanted to enjoy our family. Now, we definitely chimed in if the kids got too out of control, but we tried to keep a vacation frame of mind.
In the past I have looked at my friends that have really great kids and wonder how they parent so effortlessly. How do I stay on top of the guiding, praising, correcting, scolding, and punishing and have time to do much else? Answer... the same way I am being shaped and molded: by following examples. I have the life of Christ inside me and I'm pretty sure that's what gives me the desire to look to others. I have friends that I talk to when I need wise counsel on important situations, on how to handle conflicts, and how to show love and forgiveness when it seems impossible. It's simple... look to Christ, but I'm young in Him and in the time it takes to look to Him, I get distracted. In those distractions is where bitterness and selfishness creep in.
I look to others when I need to know how to do good things, not just how to handle the dificult siuations. Such as, how to share in a church meeting, how to have a friend, how to be a good wife and a good mom. There are some people in my life that I just love being around, they inspire me. Every time I am near them I am changed for the better.
It's great seeing two people disagree about a topic and not dislike each other for it. That was a biggie in my life... to disagree with a friend was cause for an end to the friendship. So I agreed with everyone. Learning to speak up when I don't agree has been terrifying. I feel like my heart is going to explode out of my chest, even for the small disagreements. But I am healthier and better in learning to speak up. I don't hold so much resentment like I use to. Looking back I see that I wasn't doing anyone any favors by behaving in a spiritually elite manner and then having negativity and bitterness spewed out behind closed doors. I know I seem like a silly child when Christ is working through something in me, but it's better than being a fake.
We are back home, back to normal life. I have taken vacation mentality and made it my new mentality when it comes to patience with my kids. I know I won't be perfect, but I'll let Christ be the change I need. I'll let my kids learn how to talk kindly with each other and show patience and love by speaking kindly and patiently to them. I will demonstrate how to deal with being frustrated by turning to Christ, and letting them watch me.
I used to have friends that were hot and cold. Sometimes they were friendly and humble. Other times they seemed jealous of everyone. The interesting thing was how their kid behaved the same way. It was crazy! I kid you not, this child was like a spiritual thermometer for the parents. I had never seen anything like it. When the parents were being kind, the kid would run up and say hi and hug me. When the parents were dealing with an issue, the kid was a punk. I am reminded of this all the time when I am tempted to complain about someone or something. Our kids take our words very seriously. If I am dealing with a conflict, I make sure that my kids have no idea what's going on. Number one: I don't want them to act unkindly towards anyone, and Number 2: I don't always forgive as quickly as I should and I don't want my kids to learn to hold grudges.
Fortunately, kids are resilient. I am just figuring out that if I yell at my kids to stop yelling at each other, they are more likely to listen to my actions than my words. I have a church full of women that have come alongside me and unknowingly helped me to be a better mom. They have done it by simply being an example. We have so many different parenting styles in our church and all of them have been helpful to me. I have been a crunchy mom from the beginning(crunchy=attachment parenting, by Dr. Sears) which is different from what most of the other moms do, but it doesn't matter. What we do doesn't hold a candle to how we do it. Watching how moms parent by the life of Christ is how I am learning to parent by His life.
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie
In the past I have looked at my friends that have really great kids and wonder how they parent so effortlessly. How do I stay on top of the guiding, praising, correcting, scolding, and punishing and have time to do much else? Answer... the same way I am being shaped and molded: by following examples. I have the life of Christ inside me and I'm pretty sure that's what gives me the desire to look to others. I have friends that I talk to when I need wise counsel on important situations, on how to handle conflicts, and how to show love and forgiveness when it seems impossible. It's simple... look to Christ, but I'm young in Him and in the time it takes to look to Him, I get distracted. In those distractions is where bitterness and selfishness creep in.
I look to others when I need to know how to do good things, not just how to handle the dificult siuations. Such as, how to share in a church meeting, how to have a friend, how to be a good wife and a good mom. There are some people in my life that I just love being around, they inspire me. Every time I am near them I am changed for the better.
It's great seeing two people disagree about a topic and not dislike each other for it. That was a biggie in my life... to disagree with a friend was cause for an end to the friendship. So I agreed with everyone. Learning to speak up when I don't agree has been terrifying. I feel like my heart is going to explode out of my chest, even for the small disagreements. But I am healthier and better in learning to speak up. I don't hold so much resentment like I use to. Looking back I see that I wasn't doing anyone any favors by behaving in a spiritually elite manner and then having negativity and bitterness spewed out behind closed doors. I know I seem like a silly child when Christ is working through something in me, but it's better than being a fake.
We are back home, back to normal life. I have taken vacation mentality and made it my new mentality when it comes to patience with my kids. I know I won't be perfect, but I'll let Christ be the change I need. I'll let my kids learn how to talk kindly with each other and show patience and love by speaking kindly and patiently to them. I will demonstrate how to deal with being frustrated by turning to Christ, and letting them watch me.
I used to have friends that were hot and cold. Sometimes they were friendly and humble. Other times they seemed jealous of everyone. The interesting thing was how their kid behaved the same way. It was crazy! I kid you not, this child was like a spiritual thermometer for the parents. I had never seen anything like it. When the parents were being kind, the kid would run up and say hi and hug me. When the parents were dealing with an issue, the kid was a punk. I am reminded of this all the time when I am tempted to complain about someone or something. Our kids take our words very seriously. If I am dealing with a conflict, I make sure that my kids have no idea what's going on. Number one: I don't want them to act unkindly towards anyone, and Number 2: I don't always forgive as quickly as I should and I don't want my kids to learn to hold grudges.
Fortunately, kids are resilient. I am just figuring out that if I yell at my kids to stop yelling at each other, they are more likely to listen to my actions than my words. I have a church full of women that have come alongside me and unknowingly helped me to be a better mom. They have done it by simply being an example. We have so many different parenting styles in our church and all of them have been helpful to me. I have been a crunchy mom from the beginning(crunchy=attachment parenting, by Dr. Sears) which is different from what most of the other moms do, but it doesn't matter. What we do doesn't hold a candle to how we do it. Watching how moms parent by the life of Christ is how I am learning to parent by His life.
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
my true Saviour
Last night Thing 1 found my old iPod. When I say old, I'm talking about 10 years ago, so yeah, old. It's really neat that he's just as into music and dancing as I was. I am glad I can share this with him.
After he went to bed I brought the iPod and dock into my room and listened to one of my old playlists while I folded laundry. Oh my goodness, there is nothing like music to transport me back to the past! Certain songs were so powerful that they brought up memories I hadn't thought of in almost a decade. I remembered whole parts of my life that I had forgotten. And as I realized how beautiful and safe my life had become, I couldn't help but get some answers as to why I am the way I am.
My husband told me recently that I'm not like other girls and that's why he likes me. I don't do girly things or hang out with girls in groups. I have friends that I love more than anything, some are also sisters in the Lord. I see them one or two at a time. Anything more than that I just can't deal with. It's just something about me and it's not up to me to change it. If the Lord wants it changed, He will initiate it. Hubby laughs when he turns on the netflix streaming and sees that the last thing I watched was Heroin Town. It's who I am and what I am interested in. Maybe for good reason... we want to open a home for addicts. A place where they can meet the Lord and clean up their lives.
Anyway, as I folded my 3 year old's tiny pants I remembered when it was common for me to wake up with the barrel of a gun to my forehead. My tweaked out, paranoid, thug of an ex showed his love in untypical ways. Often I had to talk him down from the metaphorical ledge going on in his head before he would remove the cold steel from my head. I wasn't the only one he treated that way. Sometimes we were subject to a home invasion by someone he ripped off or just said the wrong thing to. I became familiar with the click click of a gun being cocked outside my bedroom window. I got good at silently rolling onto the floor and doing the army crawl to the closest tub. Bathtubs are the place to be if bullets are being fired. Surprizingly, these were not my official "drug years." This was while living in Daytona Beach. These were the mild years compared to my time as a teenage heroin addict.
The only good part about being a heroin addict is that through all the trauma, I was unable to feel pain. Actually I was unable to feel a thing. I once spent 2 days trapped in an abandoned home in NE Philly and kept hostage by a group of bangers(gang banger). I remember most of what happened over those 2 days, but I still don't care... all the dope I was given did it's job.
As I ran through these memories and many, many more I couldn't believe how far away from all that the Lord has brought me. Just the other day I was giving myself grief for not going to an event I had planned on going to, when I should just be happy I can leave the house at all. The insane amount of pessure I have put on myself is rediculous. I can't be in a group of women without feeling so different that it gives me a panic attack. Guess what, because of my past I am different. I wish I could erase the past... one horrific act of abuse and volence after another(never by my family though, I have always had wonderful and supportive parents, go figure!).
I sometimes get upset because I don't feel quite a part of my female group of friends. It seems so easy for them to trust each other and let down their guards. They see good in each other and in life. I only see bad, and how they are going to hurt me, and why I need to have my defenes up.
Until last night I thought there was something wrong with me that would never be fixed. I saw that I am not posessed or evil, just damaged. Fortunately, Christ works well with damaged folks. He has been my true Saviour. He has crowned me with respect and has given me a beautiful life. How could I ever doubt Him? He is my Rock.
In Him there is no rush. I don't have the same past as most. I shouldn't expect to automatically be complete and healthy. The renewing and transforming of the mind is not a cookie cutter process, but living process. I trust that my Lord is my healing. All I have to do is somehow know more of Him. I am glad and thankful for life. For a long time I prayed to die. Every night that was my prayer. I felt less than a dog. I had no problem dying to self, I hated myself and was glad to see it go. Now here I am with a glimpse of Christ. He has given me so much life that I have become greedy. I want to be where others are at in their walk. I want to love as if I have had that all my life from friends and caregivers. I want to trust as if I wasn't attacked and abused by more friends and caregivers than not. But, for some reason it's my current reality that brings Christ the glory. And in this moment I am happy and grateful to be safe at all.
Thanks for reading one of my most personal entries, it felt good to write.
Love,
Jacke
After he went to bed I brought the iPod and dock into my room and listened to one of my old playlists while I folded laundry. Oh my goodness, there is nothing like music to transport me back to the past! Certain songs were so powerful that they brought up memories I hadn't thought of in almost a decade. I remembered whole parts of my life that I had forgotten. And as I realized how beautiful and safe my life had become, I couldn't help but get some answers as to why I am the way I am.
My husband told me recently that I'm not like other girls and that's why he likes me. I don't do girly things or hang out with girls in groups. I have friends that I love more than anything, some are also sisters in the Lord. I see them one or two at a time. Anything more than that I just can't deal with. It's just something about me and it's not up to me to change it. If the Lord wants it changed, He will initiate it. Hubby laughs when he turns on the netflix streaming and sees that the last thing I watched was Heroin Town. It's who I am and what I am interested in. Maybe for good reason... we want to open a home for addicts. A place where they can meet the Lord and clean up their lives.
Anyway, as I folded my 3 year old's tiny pants I remembered when it was common for me to wake up with the barrel of a gun to my forehead. My tweaked out, paranoid, thug of an ex showed his love in untypical ways. Often I had to talk him down from the metaphorical ledge going on in his head before he would remove the cold steel from my head. I wasn't the only one he treated that way. Sometimes we were subject to a home invasion by someone he ripped off or just said the wrong thing to. I became familiar with the click click of a gun being cocked outside my bedroom window. I got good at silently rolling onto the floor and doing the army crawl to the closest tub. Bathtubs are the place to be if bullets are being fired. Surprizingly, these were not my official "drug years." This was while living in Daytona Beach. These were the mild years compared to my time as a teenage heroin addict.
The only good part about being a heroin addict is that through all the trauma, I was unable to feel pain. Actually I was unable to feel a thing. I once spent 2 days trapped in an abandoned home in NE Philly and kept hostage by a group of bangers(gang banger). I remember most of what happened over those 2 days, but I still don't care... all the dope I was given did it's job.
As I ran through these memories and many, many more I couldn't believe how far away from all that the Lord has brought me. Just the other day I was giving myself grief for not going to an event I had planned on going to, when I should just be happy I can leave the house at all. The insane amount of pessure I have put on myself is rediculous. I can't be in a group of women without feeling so different that it gives me a panic attack. Guess what, because of my past I am different. I wish I could erase the past... one horrific act of abuse and volence after another(never by my family though, I have always had wonderful and supportive parents, go figure!).
I sometimes get upset because I don't feel quite a part of my female group of friends. It seems so easy for them to trust each other and let down their guards. They see good in each other and in life. I only see bad, and how they are going to hurt me, and why I need to have my defenes up.
Until last night I thought there was something wrong with me that would never be fixed. I saw that I am not posessed or evil, just damaged. Fortunately, Christ works well with damaged folks. He has been my true Saviour. He has crowned me with respect and has given me a beautiful life. How could I ever doubt Him? He is my Rock.
In Him there is no rush. I don't have the same past as most. I shouldn't expect to automatically be complete and healthy. The renewing and transforming of the mind is not a cookie cutter process, but living process. I trust that my Lord is my healing. All I have to do is somehow know more of Him. I am glad and thankful for life. For a long time I prayed to die. Every night that was my prayer. I felt less than a dog. I had no problem dying to self, I hated myself and was glad to see it go. Now here I am with a glimpse of Christ. He has given me so much life that I have become greedy. I want to be where others are at in their walk. I want to love as if I have had that all my life from friends and caregivers. I want to trust as if I wasn't attacked and abused by more friends and caregivers than not. But, for some reason it's my current reality that brings Christ the glory. And in this moment I am happy and grateful to be safe at all.
Thanks for reading one of my most personal entries, it felt good to write.
Love,
Jacke
Sunday, December 4, 2011
poured out like a cistern of water
I meet with others to express Christ in an organic way, as opposed to going to church. Last night in our meeting we did a skit. My husband, myself,and three others. In this skit, we attempted to portray the way at Christ brings us to Himself, despite other lovers in our lives. For years I believed that it was my good decision that brought me into a relationship with Him. I had said the sinners prayer and therefore I initiated the engagement... pretty tacky, I know.
The skit showed me going from finding love in a man, to drugs, to finding my peace in worldly beauty and things. All the while, Christ is tapping on my shoulder and I am ignoring Him. These other "lovers" are becoming my prison of thorns. Eventually that wall of thorns becomes a path that leads me back to Christ. But before I can even turn around to face Him, He clothes me with righteousness, with Himself. When I do turn to face Him I pour myself into Him, which was actually played out using a cistern of water.
When we were planning out the skit, the initial love handed to me by Christ is what got me. Before I could even say I was sorry, it was Him who prompted the ability to desire Him. There is no love that I can give to Christ that He didn't give Himself.
I knew doing the skit that there would be those who wouldn't understand what was going on. We chose not to narrate and to just let each Saint catch in their Spirit what they were prepared to catch. I was really nervous because normally don't share in a meeting and I was afraid of being judged. And although it was a quick, light run through of events I was acting out, it was truth. I spent the better part of my youth using heroin. I did despicable things for money. The friends closest to me died. I was trash on the street.
I have always had a tendency to try to make myself worthy of my Lord's love. Why would he want to be with me? I have hated being with me at times. But as I think about the faces of the Saints I see almost each day of the week, I can settle. I love the folks He has me with. The fellow Saints in my church are so beautiful and full of forgiveness and love. They overlook my faults. They accept me even if they don't understand what I'm feeling. I can see why Christ is so enamored by His Bride. He sees Himself in her.
In our skit we used thorns... actually it was brown paper tied around string and hung up on rods. But everyone was a good sport and went with it. What may have been the thorns that created the path, I saw as detours. Isn't that like our Lord... what we think are distractions from the plan are actually a part of the plan. I was in rehab. First a few short stays, then a long one. I was led down the path to Christ while in rehab. Another thorn-the aneurysm. Another-depression. All of these corridors were straight paths to my engagement to Christ.
And when I got to Him and poured myself out in front of Him, I saw that it was never me who did anything. Jesus Christ lived a perfect life. Then he died a gruesome death. And not only did He defy death and rise to life, but He chose me to clothe with love and righteousness.
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie
The skit showed me going from finding love in a man, to drugs, to finding my peace in worldly beauty and things. All the while, Christ is tapping on my shoulder and I am ignoring Him. These other "lovers" are becoming my prison of thorns. Eventually that wall of thorns becomes a path that leads me back to Christ. But before I can even turn around to face Him, He clothes me with righteousness, with Himself. When I do turn to face Him I pour myself into Him, which was actually played out using a cistern of water.
When we were planning out the skit, the initial love handed to me by Christ is what got me. Before I could even say I was sorry, it was Him who prompted the ability to desire Him. There is no love that I can give to Christ that He didn't give Himself.
I knew doing the skit that there would be those who wouldn't understand what was going on. We chose not to narrate and to just let each Saint catch in their Spirit what they were prepared to catch. I was really nervous because normally don't share in a meeting and I was afraid of being judged. And although it was a quick, light run through of events I was acting out, it was truth. I spent the better part of my youth using heroin. I did despicable things for money. The friends closest to me died. I was trash on the street.
I have always had a tendency to try to make myself worthy of my Lord's love. Why would he want to be with me? I have hated being with me at times. But as I think about the faces of the Saints I see almost each day of the week, I can settle. I love the folks He has me with. The fellow Saints in my church are so beautiful and full of forgiveness and love. They overlook my faults. They accept me even if they don't understand what I'm feeling. I can see why Christ is so enamored by His Bride. He sees Himself in her.
In our skit we used thorns... actually it was brown paper tied around string and hung up on rods. But everyone was a good sport and went with it. What may have been the thorns that created the path, I saw as detours. Isn't that like our Lord... what we think are distractions from the plan are actually a part of the plan. I was in rehab. First a few short stays, then a long one. I was led down the path to Christ while in rehab. Another thorn-the aneurysm. Another-depression. All of these corridors were straight paths to my engagement to Christ.
And when I got to Him and poured myself out in front of Him, I saw that it was never me who did anything. Jesus Christ lived a perfect life. Then he died a gruesome death. And not only did He defy death and rise to life, but He chose me to clothe with love and righteousness.
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie
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