The opposite of addiction is mindfulness. Escaping the bad feelings of anxiety, depression, and fear are what drives humans with addiction to turn to food, tv, shopping, gambling, drugs, and alcohol. Living with chronic pain, it's been hard to go without pain relief, or to just take the bare minimum in order to funtion. My doctor told me that what I had was a physical dependence and that it's different from addiction, but in my mind they are one in the same. Being physically dependant, I have needed my medicine in order to not become deathly ill. I have needed to take it before social situations and also before doing anything physical that would cause pain. I no longer depend on medication the way I did, which was 24/7. Although, I do have a few things for pain relief that I use when I can't stand up straight because of the discomfort.
I have been spending a lot of time with the Lord these days. In those quiet times it's easy to see that most of my life has been spent preparing for the future. To be still and know that He is God has been all to easy to overlook as I rush from one goal to another. Always trying to escape pain or even just bad feelings, like hurt and anger. Never fully experiencing the moment, but looking for relief from it instead. The Lord has inspired me to slow down and become alive to the wonders of ordinary life. To be okay with everything. Now, that doesn't mean that I no longer have any boundaries and that I become worthless, or a doormat. I take my cue from Christ... He acknowledged crossed boundaries, forgave, and moved on.
I allow myself to be in the moment, feel my pain and my anger instead of running from those things. I experience those feelings that the Lord Himself has felt at times. And then I am free to move on.
When living life one moment at a time, fully being involved in simple tasks, such as washing dishes, the responsibilities of life don't become so burdensome. I enjoy planning, but not so I can rush to do the thing I planned for, but simply because the planning itself is wonderful. It is life that I was given the opportunity to live. What a gift!
How can a being like me be given the chance at such a beautiful thing as life? And why on earth have I tried to escape it at all? Anytime I chose crappy television over real life, I escaped it. Anytime I chose desensitized life over full life, I escaped it.
This journey is by no means exciting all the time. It is a slow and sometimes painful one, but so full.
The Lord is outside of time. When He is the driving force behind my physical being and the Church as a whole, the ordinary becomes a miracle.
Thanks for reading,
love,
Jackie
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
comfort in the face of fear
A few days ago I went to visit Amy in the hospital. I was so happy to see her, finally. The day before that, she decided that she wanted visitors after a week in the hospital. I understood. When you are in so much pain that having a simple conversation is hard, having to put on a "happy face" for a visitor is just too much work. From home, I did what I could for her and prayed. My kids and husband did the same. We prayed seperately and as a family for our Sister in the hospital.
That night, after visiting her, I got to stay with her. Jennifer had stayed with her the night before. Derek was telling us about all the wonderful ways Jenn had spoiled Amy. After looking at Amy's perfectly painted toe nails I realized just how high the bar was set for visitors. :)
I tried to be as "out of the way" as I could while still loving on her and being there for Derek.
It really hit me that night that while Derek's emails were true, they didn't express just how scary it was. Things kept happening and she would wince in pain. There were several siezure type episodes. She knew something was wrong and at this point couldn't speak much. I was taken aback at how even though Derek felt scared, he was a picture of Strength for her.
I had this plan. I was going to put lotion on her and read/sing the songbook, and read Breaking Dawn to her. Before Kim went home we prayed and sang over her. I got to sing to her for a bit while alone with her too. The other things didn't get to happen as there weren't too many moments of peace. This was the night that she had been transferred to Shands. I started to get angry that the Shands doctors weren't rushing around working on her as fast as they could to relieve her suffering. I ran out into the hall to tell a doctor to hurry during one of her siezures because I was afraid she was having a heart attack. I was afraid that I was watching her die and it angered me. I couldn't understand why Christ wasn't healing her instantly. It was easy to pray for her from home where I didn't have to watch her body contorting into wierd positions. Then she would moan that something was wrong and someone needed to help her right before she went 'blank'. It made me so angry that this was happening to one of the loveliest people I have ever met in my life. I had to be careful not to make Derek feel as though he had to comfort me at all, I was here for them, not the other way around. Derek was so kind and at point in the night asked if I was okay because he was scared and knew I was scared too. I knew that Amy would have a full healthy recovery, I had just forgot for a moment in response to everything going on. She cried out "Jesus, help me" and I knew then that she was right on. He was the only One that could help her in that moment.
As the morning approached, she began looking at me and calling me by name. She was able to get rest and finally have some relief from her nightmare of an evening.
What I noticed right away was that Derek didn't shy away from her even when he was scared. He would hold her closest when the scary things happened and kiss her and love on her. My first reaction was to want to jump up and look for help and basically panic. But, just looking at Derek I instantly felt calm. We don't live by the same fears as those who don't know Christ. His love and support for his wife was a shadow of our relationship with Jesus Christ.
I was hesitant to share about Amy. After talking to a Sister this morning about my evening with her, I saw that we are all in this together. We are all family and everyone in the Body is her Brother or Sister and cares about her and wants to be updated. I think that's why we all look for and expect updates all the time. We want to know how she's doing because not a minute goes by that we aren't praying for, or thinking of her and Derek.
I am excited to hear that she is making progress. The siezures have stopped and she's talking. I can't wait until my next scheduled time to sit with her.
I normally don't quote scripture, but have had this one HEAVY on my heart for a few days now...
The Lord is my strength and my shield. I trust Him with all of my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanskgiving.(Psalm28:7)
Thanks for reading,
Jackie
That night, after visiting her, I got to stay with her. Jennifer had stayed with her the night before. Derek was telling us about all the wonderful ways Jenn had spoiled Amy. After looking at Amy's perfectly painted toe nails I realized just how high the bar was set for visitors. :)
I tried to be as "out of the way" as I could while still loving on her and being there for Derek.
It really hit me that night that while Derek's emails were true, they didn't express just how scary it was. Things kept happening and she would wince in pain. There were several siezure type episodes. She knew something was wrong and at this point couldn't speak much. I was taken aback at how even though Derek felt scared, he was a picture of Strength for her.
I had this plan. I was going to put lotion on her and read/sing the songbook, and read Breaking Dawn to her. Before Kim went home we prayed and sang over her. I got to sing to her for a bit while alone with her too. The other things didn't get to happen as there weren't too many moments of peace. This was the night that she had been transferred to Shands. I started to get angry that the Shands doctors weren't rushing around working on her as fast as they could to relieve her suffering. I ran out into the hall to tell a doctor to hurry during one of her siezures because I was afraid she was having a heart attack. I was afraid that I was watching her die and it angered me. I couldn't understand why Christ wasn't healing her instantly. It was easy to pray for her from home where I didn't have to watch her body contorting into wierd positions. Then she would moan that something was wrong and someone needed to help her right before she went 'blank'. It made me so angry that this was happening to one of the loveliest people I have ever met in my life. I had to be careful not to make Derek feel as though he had to comfort me at all, I was here for them, not the other way around. Derek was so kind and at point in the night asked if I was okay because he was scared and knew I was scared too. I knew that Amy would have a full healthy recovery, I had just forgot for a moment in response to everything going on. She cried out "Jesus, help me" and I knew then that she was right on. He was the only One that could help her in that moment.
As the morning approached, she began looking at me and calling me by name. She was able to get rest and finally have some relief from her nightmare of an evening.
What I noticed right away was that Derek didn't shy away from her even when he was scared. He would hold her closest when the scary things happened and kiss her and love on her. My first reaction was to want to jump up and look for help and basically panic. But, just looking at Derek I instantly felt calm. We don't live by the same fears as those who don't know Christ. His love and support for his wife was a shadow of our relationship with Jesus Christ.
I was hesitant to share about Amy. After talking to a Sister this morning about my evening with her, I saw that we are all in this together. We are all family and everyone in the Body is her Brother or Sister and cares about her and wants to be updated. I think that's why we all look for and expect updates all the time. We want to know how she's doing because not a minute goes by that we aren't praying for, or thinking of her and Derek.
I am excited to hear that she is making progress. The siezures have stopped and she's talking. I can't wait until my next scheduled time to sit with her.
I normally don't quote scripture, but have had this one HEAVY on my heart for a few days now...
The Lord is my strength and my shield. I trust Him with all of my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanskgiving.(Psalm28:7)
Thanks for reading,
Jackie
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