I used to think that the church was the building that I went to on Sundays. Then, I thought it was the people that attended meetings. But then, this morning on facebook, one of the authors/church planters/friends I have befriended posts this... "The church isn't the people, it's the Christ in the people." ~Milt Rodriguez
I think that sums it up perfectly. And if I've learned anything in the last year and a half, it's that people are not wholly Christ, but do have Christ living in them. Sometimes we make choices and sometimes Christ in us is making choices.
In searching the gospels for some tangible advice, I stumbled across the beatitudes. I spent three months studying them in a class I took back in the institutional church, but they were kinda' flat to me at the time. They stand out in my current place in this journey.
We have a person in "there" and we have Christ. The person within, our personality, feelings, quirks, whatever is the one that gets to make the decision to take over, or let Christ live His life through us. When that person, me, gets humble, meek, feels sorrow, and forgives, the Christ living in there is my comfort. When living with others who have Christ within, we let the Christ in them comfort us too.
I know that a lot of people who are not christians think that christians are mean. They are right. We are people who have the living God inside of us. It's when we don't know how to, or don't choose to turn to Him, that we are just judge-y people.
It's like we have all this power, and pride in the power, but never let the power be powerful. Until we do, then we have what's called a "revelation of Christ."
I am an abstract thinker. Us abstract thinkers tend to need much time to ourselves. I can't be with others too much because then I can't do the things I feel like am supposed to do each day. I tend to see things from an outside view and can get "vision" from a far distance when I am taking my time. I have different times through out the week that I schedule time with others... or else it wouldn't happen at all. That is not the Christ in me, that is my personality, being an abstract thinker.
I am a part of the Body of Christ where we have other abstract thinkers, and concrete thinkers. I have noticed through out my whole life, before becoming a christian and after, the things that bond people. There always interests, hobbies, and having Christ within that bond us. But for all those things, it is the way we think and relate to others that bond us to the people we spend most of our time with.
I am a part of a large church. As far as organic churches go, we are beyond a mega church(according to a church planter).
It is Christ that brings us all together. We all have some amount(or portion) of Him inside. Some have chosen to turn to Him within more than others and so it's easier for them. Some are very new at the concept of Him living within. We all have Him, but none of us have the same portion. It's beautiful to see different people and personalities share Him and pour into each other.
We have the ability to pour into each other either Christ, or ourselves. It's hard to know the difference sometimes. It used to be that any good feelings were from Christ and any bad feelings were from the devil. I don't believe that anymore.
I have personal boundaries. When they get crossed, I usually don't speak up, but instead get angry, harbour resentments and pull back. When I am able to speak up and lovingly let someone know that a boundary was crossed and talk with them about it, that's Christ. It won't feel good. It will actually feel the opposite of good, but it's Christ. And it's for the good of Him. Christ wants all of His children to love each other.
The human (or some call it flesh) can do whatever it wants. The human in us is not bad. I used to get so upset when I saw humans behaving like humans. I would get jealous when I saw girl groups form because I am not a "girl group" kind of girl. But, there's really nothing wrong with that. It is okay to bond together based on personality types and human desires and lifestyles. It makes sense and I think the Lord is okay with it. I was having such a hard time trying to make Christ fit into a mold. I was trying to be a type of personality in order to fit in(all my life) when I don't need to fit in, in order to share Christ.
I can be the type of person that stays home most days and has the occasional day out. If I don't get "poured" into by another person, the Source Himself can pour into me and it's just as good.
Brother Paul was still getting His portion of Christ while in prison.
If a group is formed and the foundation is purely Christ, no one with Christ on the inside will ever be left out. But, our human selves can form groups(which is not a bad thing at all) and people can feel left out.
The Lord cleared it up for me. I was calling everything, and I mean everything, Christ. Forgetting that we still have human selves and human lives. And then I was getting hurt or offended when humans(which I was mistaking for Christ) were letting me down. I was losing faith in my Lord. And I doubted that Christ lived in me because I was screwing up so badly. It's that darn human side to me that keeps messing me up. And the human/flesh will always have wants and desires. Most of the time selfish... or loving, but with selfish motives behind the love. Darn the fleshy flesh.
Thanks for reading my loooong blog entry. It's been a rough morning so far(was sneak attacked by satan this am) and I just needed to write.
Love,
Jackie
Monday, October 31, 2011
Thursday, October 27, 2011
from worry to contentment, that's how Christ does things
A few days ago I asked the Lord for some things to happen in my head. In my 2 day long prayer I begged and demanded for Him. I wanted a certain thing and I wasn't stopping my prayer until it happened. I wanted to stop being distracted and to be consumed with Him. So consumed that the only thing that could "get to me" would be the absence of Him.
The Holy Spirit is a person, the person of Christ. This Spirit has a lot of opposition in a fallen world. This Spirit can guide a person, or a group of people, if they let Him. I have been nudged by this Spirit to spend some time in Philippians(a book in the bible for all my non-christian friends). And then a Brother in Christ pointed me towards reading it in the Message bible which kind of blew my mind.
Brother Paul said this...
"Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let your petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your lives."
Brother Paul wrote that in chapter 4, at the end. What does he say in the beginning? Why are people in Philippi worried? They had differences, they were holding grudges. Brother Paul planted a church. When he left, most of chapter 1 is describing what happened. Basically the Christians were not on the same page. Some acted differently than they did when Paul was with them. What's Paul's response...
"I've decided that I really don't care about their motives, whether mixed, bad, or indifferent. Every time one of them opens his mouth, Christ is proclaimed, So I just cheer them on!"
Paul also says that my attitude should be the same as that of Christ...
"Who being in the very nature God, did not consider equality something to be grasped, but made Himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made into human likeness..."(vs.2:5 says "your attitude should be the same as that of Jesus")
I move to Gainesville last year. We moved here for body life. Most people moved here for Christ, but we already had Christ. I moved here for body life(which is Christ in other people through daily living). I am a part of an organic church group. For some strange reason moving here did not solve all my problems. I still get distracted and start worrying about logistics and practicals. And I still don't understand how hanging out with a Sister for a few ours is what the Lord wants from me, but I do it anyway. It's enjoyable so that part's easy. I see that living community life leaves a lot of room for people to be left out and ignored. Community life is not what's important, Christ is. And I don't think Christ wants anyone left out or ignored so I am still unsure of why He designed His body this way. Instead of cheering that Christ is proclaimed, I get confused when I feel that the Spirit has me on a different path than the main group. I always automatically assume that I am the one that's wrong and I need to change so that I can feel what everyone is saying they feel.
I enjoy the Spirit of God. I like time with the Lord as well as time with other Christians. I realize that I have played all parts... the one of being "first" and the on of being "last." I have also unfortunately judged my Brothers and Sisters that do not worship the same way I do. I thought that I was a better christian because I was in an organic church. I read the new testament and see that the original organic church had the same problems we do today, institutional and organic.
I have spent the last year trying to get on the same "page" with a small number of people. I have been trying to be "one" with about 60 people. Surprisingly, I have yet to "feel" that. And as I read, I see that Christ doesn't require me to be anything with anyone else. He is the One that's joined me to the Body of Christ. For 2 days I have been asking the Lord to show me Himself and truth in every circumstance and situation. I believe He's shown me in Philippians.
We are One Body, but only because He has made us One in Him. Not because we agree on things, not because we attend the same meetings, not because we use the same lingo, definitely not because we get the same "feeling" that we should all do a certain thing together, not because I'm in the "clique" that seems to form in every building, town, or city that girls live in, not because I have a pastor, and not because I don't. We Christians are all one body because He made us a part of Himself.
I have Christ, I eat and drink of Him. I moved to Gainesville for an expression of Him that is something I feel the Lord wanted me to do. I was so consumed with getting community life that it became an obsession. Brother Paul hardly even mentions community life the way I have been trying to "do" it. Brother Paul speaks Christ.
And so I rejoice! And I stop being consumed with getting body life right, because it was right the day I became a christian. And I behave with an attitude like Christ(phil 2:5). Look at the Lord, recognize His voice in my head and follow His direction, not the herd's. The Holy Spirit will guide me if He wants me doing the same thing as everyone else or doing anything at all. He will guide me. Other than that, I think that I am supposed to enjoy and love my people.
My Lord is a lover. And He lives in me! So that makes me a lover of people too. Call it whatever... institutional, organic, body life, small group. The point is that He has joined us all together and all we have to do is live out His life.
Thanks for reading,
Jackie
The Holy Spirit is a person, the person of Christ. This Spirit has a lot of opposition in a fallen world. This Spirit can guide a person, or a group of people, if they let Him. I have been nudged by this Spirit to spend some time in Philippians(a book in the bible for all my non-christian friends). And then a Brother in Christ pointed me towards reading it in the Message bible which kind of blew my mind.
Brother Paul said this...
"Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let your petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your lives."
Brother Paul wrote that in chapter 4, at the end. What does he say in the beginning? Why are people in Philippi worried? They had differences, they were holding grudges. Brother Paul planted a church. When he left, most of chapter 1 is describing what happened. Basically the Christians were not on the same page. Some acted differently than they did when Paul was with them. What's Paul's response...
"I've decided that I really don't care about their motives, whether mixed, bad, or indifferent. Every time one of them opens his mouth, Christ is proclaimed, So I just cheer them on!"
Paul also says that my attitude should be the same as that of Christ...
"Who being in the very nature God, did not consider equality something to be grasped, but made Himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made into human likeness..."(vs.2:5 says "your attitude should be the same as that of Jesus")
I move to Gainesville last year. We moved here for body life. Most people moved here for Christ, but we already had Christ. I moved here for body life(which is Christ in other people through daily living). I am a part of an organic church group. For some strange reason moving here did not solve all my problems. I still get distracted and start worrying about logistics and practicals. And I still don't understand how hanging out with a Sister for a few ours is what the Lord wants from me, but I do it anyway. It's enjoyable so that part's easy. I see that living community life leaves a lot of room for people to be left out and ignored. Community life is not what's important, Christ is. And I don't think Christ wants anyone left out or ignored so I am still unsure of why He designed His body this way. Instead of cheering that Christ is proclaimed, I get confused when I feel that the Spirit has me on a different path than the main group. I always automatically assume that I am the one that's wrong and I need to change so that I can feel what everyone is saying they feel.
I enjoy the Spirit of God. I like time with the Lord as well as time with other Christians. I realize that I have played all parts... the one of being "first" and the on of being "last." I have also unfortunately judged my Brothers and Sisters that do not worship the same way I do. I thought that I was a better christian because I was in an organic church. I read the new testament and see that the original organic church had the same problems we do today, institutional and organic.
I have spent the last year trying to get on the same "page" with a small number of people. I have been trying to be "one" with about 60 people. Surprisingly, I have yet to "feel" that. And as I read, I see that Christ doesn't require me to be anything with anyone else. He is the One that's joined me to the Body of Christ. For 2 days I have been asking the Lord to show me Himself and truth in every circumstance and situation. I believe He's shown me in Philippians.
We are One Body, but only because He has made us One in Him. Not because we agree on things, not because we attend the same meetings, not because we use the same lingo, definitely not because we get the same "feeling" that we should all do a certain thing together, not because I'm in the "clique" that seems to form in every building, town, or city that girls live in, not because I have a pastor, and not because I don't. We Christians are all one body because He made us a part of Himself.
I have Christ, I eat and drink of Him. I moved to Gainesville for an expression of Him that is something I feel the Lord wanted me to do. I was so consumed with getting community life that it became an obsession. Brother Paul hardly even mentions community life the way I have been trying to "do" it. Brother Paul speaks Christ.
And so I rejoice! And I stop being consumed with getting body life right, because it was right the day I became a christian. And I behave with an attitude like Christ(phil 2:5). Look at the Lord, recognize His voice in my head and follow His direction, not the herd's. The Holy Spirit will guide me if He wants me doing the same thing as everyone else or doing anything at all. He will guide me. Other than that, I think that I am supposed to enjoy and love my people.
My Lord is a lover. And He lives in me! So that makes me a lover of people too. Call it whatever... institutional, organic, body life, small group. The point is that He has joined us all together and all we have to do is live out His life.
Thanks for reading,
Jackie
Friday, October 21, 2011
the day we broke
Being broken before the Lord. It's not something that happened the day I became a Christian. It is painful and deep. It's more than a revelation of Him.
When I became a broken person before Him, nothing could ever change that. It's not something that can be undone in my life.
Three years ago a metaphorical storm was brewing. Chris was about to have his aneurysm and everything that surrounded that. The people we were then are not the people we are now. We actually became broken before the Lord. Everything we were made of as humans and everything our marriage was made of was about to become completely broken and dependant on the Lord.
My husband made a horrible decision that night. It led to his aneurysm that was waiting in his neck like a ticking time bomb, to burst. The story was featured on our town's news and we were harassed and lied about. I had also been betrayed by my hubby that night in ways I swore I'd never let anyone betray me. I was actually planning on filing for divorce on Monday, November 10th.
On November 9th, when he had his aneurysm the Lord broke me, He broke us. The first few days I was still clinging to human reasoning and logic to get through the pain and devastation. Eventually, the pain and reality of what had happened became too much. I had no choice to not become completely emptied out, broken, and to lose myself in Christ. To hold on to myself or my life for one more day had become impossible. The bigness of Christ had short circuited my brain. I saw Him.
In the hotel room that night almost 3 years ago I watched as the Lord gave breathe back to Chris. Just moments before I watched my husband turn into monster due to alcohol and then watched him almost die. If it were just about me I would go into detail about every little thing that happened, but it wasn't just me so that's the extent to which I will say about it. I have began to write a book about the whole experience, but I will never let another person read it. It was such an amazing story of Christ's redemption and a second chance in every sense of the word, I had to tell it. There are countless ways He saved me that night.
Can I tell you that Chris has become a broken and changed man more than I have ever seen it in anyone? He has become the most humble, strong, and willing soul I have ever met.
It is a blessing and amazing that the night we almost lost everything was the night we both became broken before the Lord(actually it took Chris a while because he was in a coma and had to recover from a traumatic brain injury).
We still have hard times and because we are very different people we fight. Usually in the arguments and fights I can always find a little piece of anger or resentment about "that night" that was never let go of. I let go and we move on. One of his surgeons at the Mayo clinic had said that most people in his condition don't make it. Sometimes I wonder what life would be like today if he died. Sometimes I see a life flight helicopter in the air and have a flashback. I tear up as I thank the Lord for my family.
We didn't know the Lord like we do now, but we would not know Him the way we do had He not come down from heaven that night to walk us through it all. Today we have the freedom in Christ and the realization of Him, but it was almost three years ago that we became broken people before Him.
Every year as the anniversary day approaches I blog about what the Lord did. I may write a few this year as I am more grateful than ever. Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie
When I became a broken person before Him, nothing could ever change that. It's not something that can be undone in my life.
Three years ago a metaphorical storm was brewing. Chris was about to have his aneurysm and everything that surrounded that. The people we were then are not the people we are now. We actually became broken before the Lord. Everything we were made of as humans and everything our marriage was made of was about to become completely broken and dependant on the Lord.
My husband made a horrible decision that night. It led to his aneurysm that was waiting in his neck like a ticking time bomb, to burst. The story was featured on our town's news and we were harassed and lied about. I had also been betrayed by my hubby that night in ways I swore I'd never let anyone betray me. I was actually planning on filing for divorce on Monday, November 10th.
On November 9th, when he had his aneurysm the Lord broke me, He broke us. The first few days I was still clinging to human reasoning and logic to get through the pain and devastation. Eventually, the pain and reality of what had happened became too much. I had no choice to not become completely emptied out, broken, and to lose myself in Christ. To hold on to myself or my life for one more day had become impossible. The bigness of Christ had short circuited my brain. I saw Him.
In the hotel room that night almost 3 years ago I watched as the Lord gave breathe back to Chris. Just moments before I watched my husband turn into monster due to alcohol and then watched him almost die. If it were just about me I would go into detail about every little thing that happened, but it wasn't just me so that's the extent to which I will say about it. I have began to write a book about the whole experience, but I will never let another person read it. It was such an amazing story of Christ's redemption and a second chance in every sense of the word, I had to tell it. There are countless ways He saved me that night.
Can I tell you that Chris has become a broken and changed man more than I have ever seen it in anyone? He has become the most humble, strong, and willing soul I have ever met.
It is a blessing and amazing that the night we almost lost everything was the night we both became broken before the Lord(actually it took Chris a while because he was in a coma and had to recover from a traumatic brain injury).
We still have hard times and because we are very different people we fight. Usually in the arguments and fights I can always find a little piece of anger or resentment about "that night" that was never let go of. I let go and we move on. One of his surgeons at the Mayo clinic had said that most people in his condition don't make it. Sometimes I wonder what life would be like today if he died. Sometimes I see a life flight helicopter in the air and have a flashback. I tear up as I thank the Lord for my family.
We didn't know the Lord like we do now, but we would not know Him the way we do had He not come down from heaven that night to walk us through it all. Today we have the freedom in Christ and the realization of Him, but it was almost three years ago that we became broken people before Him.
Every year as the anniversary day approaches I blog about what the Lord did. I may write a few this year as I am more grateful than ever. Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie
Thursday, October 20, 2011
what's uncomfortable and scary
Getting normal things done is really uncomfortable for me. If I have to make a phone call to request something or make an appointment I put it off because it scares me. I was the same way growing up. When my Mom or Dad would need to stop somewhere, like 7Eleven(from Jersey, remember) I would get anxiety and wait in the car. The only exception was when I was involved in institutional ministry. I thrived off of meeting and serving the homeless. There was never any hesitation there.
Now that I am a Mom there are lots of things that I have to do, especially with Thing 2 needing extra help for all things related to autism. It doesn't make it any less scary for me. If I could go through life and never have to venture outside of my schedule, my normal activities, my normal friends and family, I would be all set. But alas, appointments must be made, fittings for dresses must be done, and all kinds of out of things must be done in order to live a healthy, full life.
I'm also weird with new people. It takes me a long time to warm up to new friends or Sisters in the Lord. In my organic church group folks come to visit all the time. There have only been a few times that the Lord has allowed me to relax enough to actually spend time with them. I know that most people are excited when one more member of Christ comes along, but I get nervous. I like to take my time. I wish I were easy to get to know or that I could jump right in and make connections the first time I meet people. The most terrifying situations for me are getting into conversations that I can't get out of or for someone to think I was "lame" because I was boring to talk to. You are reading the blog of a giant people pleaser.
The cool thing is that everything I have done to improve life or everyone that makes life better was once one of those scary things. I resist the new and different. I don't like the shift of balance when a new chore or "job" is added to the day. But all of the great activities and everything I do that makes life meaningful and fulfilling began with a phone cal or an appointment.
It makes me feel uneasy when a new soul enters my life. I know and see that others usually flock to knew people. I avoid them. And then slowly, if a person begins to stick around in my life I grow to know and love them. Everyone that I am not related to was once a stranger that I avoided. And now I have people I love in my life.
I have fought this for 31 years. I have tried so hard to be different. I should be this or that, I need to be different, why can't I be a certain way?
After 3 decades I am done trying to change who I am. If the Lord wants it changed, He's in there. He'll change it. Also, maybe, my desire to stay with the familiar is just one more facet of the Lord? I know that the Lord is easy to come to, but sometimes He's not easy to get to know. Sometimes I really have to search and it feel like pulling teeth in seeking the Lord.
Maybe this part of me is like a part of the Lord. For some reason it seemed like being "this way" was a bad thing, but seeing a little something similar in the Lord lets me know that it's alright. It's not a sin, or even something to work on.
I still have to do scary things, like make phone calls. But knowing that the Lord created me to be a certain way, I don't feel like I have to fight it so much.
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie
Now that I am a Mom there are lots of things that I have to do, especially with Thing 2 needing extra help for all things related to autism. It doesn't make it any less scary for me. If I could go through life and never have to venture outside of my schedule, my normal activities, my normal friends and family, I would be all set. But alas, appointments must be made, fittings for dresses must be done, and all kinds of out of things must be done in order to live a healthy, full life.
I'm also weird with new people. It takes me a long time to warm up to new friends or Sisters in the Lord. In my organic church group folks come to visit all the time. There have only been a few times that the Lord has allowed me to relax enough to actually spend time with them. I know that most people are excited when one more member of Christ comes along, but I get nervous. I like to take my time. I wish I were easy to get to know or that I could jump right in and make connections the first time I meet people. The most terrifying situations for me are getting into conversations that I can't get out of or for someone to think I was "lame" because I was boring to talk to. You are reading the blog of a giant people pleaser.
The cool thing is that everything I have done to improve life or everyone that makes life better was once one of those scary things. I resist the new and different. I don't like the shift of balance when a new chore or "job" is added to the day. But all of the great activities and everything I do that makes life meaningful and fulfilling began with a phone cal or an appointment.
It makes me feel uneasy when a new soul enters my life. I know and see that others usually flock to knew people. I avoid them. And then slowly, if a person begins to stick around in my life I grow to know and love them. Everyone that I am not related to was once a stranger that I avoided. And now I have people I love in my life.
I have fought this for 31 years. I have tried so hard to be different. I should be this or that, I need to be different, why can't I be a certain way?
After 3 decades I am done trying to change who I am. If the Lord wants it changed, He's in there. He'll change it. Also, maybe, my desire to stay with the familiar is just one more facet of the Lord? I know that the Lord is easy to come to, but sometimes He's not easy to get to know. Sometimes I really have to search and it feel like pulling teeth in seeking the Lord.
Maybe this part of me is like a part of the Lord. For some reason it seemed like being "this way" was a bad thing, but seeing a little something similar in the Lord lets me know that it's alright. It's not a sin, or even something to work on.
I still have to do scary things, like make phone calls. But knowing that the Lord created me to be a certain way, I don't feel like I have to fight it so much.
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie
Saturday, October 15, 2011
the Lord is using it...
The world, the church, and eternity is such a great place to start. I have read book after book about my purpose here on earth and have come to the conclusion that I am here, in existence, to know the Lord and to be His. I don't know what that will look like after my earthly life is over so I can only write about what it's like here on earth.
In a world with options and distractions, there are many chances to get off course. I want to be in love with my Lord and go deep into Him. I would love to take my children along for the ride as Chris and I do this together. It has taken us years to become a couple that loves the Lord together and finally agrees on Christ being the third "chord" in our marriage.
I have been dealing with some depression, as have some of my friends. I had one friend almost die a couple of months ago from a strand of ecoli. A few years ago my husband had an aneurysm and almost died right in front of my eyes. And then he almost died again 10 days later while in the ICU because of vaso spasms in the brain. My young grandmother of only 71 died this year.
When these things happened I loved the Lord. I turn to Him everyday even when I don't see or hear back from Him. It didn't stop these things from happening.
Lately it seems like He stopped showing up, but I still turn to Him because I will do anything for the chance of even spending a moment with Him. In all of these situations there is an opportunity to "know" something. There is a chance to butt my nose in and decide why it happened and what could have stopped it.
I could drive myself crazy with what if's. What if I never had a friend I loved die at 17 years old? What if I never became a heroin addict and saw the dark side of the human condition? What if I never got physically attacked after being drugged and taken at a bar? What if I never got depression?
I didn't know the Lord when these things happened. Does that mean I brought them on myself? Some would say yes. I would say absolutely not. I think my Lord sat silently by crying and praying for me, but I don't know.
In my short time knowing Christ this is the only thing that I have learned...
The minute I become concerned with "getting it right," I've already gotten it wrong. The minute I become concerned with someone else's walk with Him, or their decisions in life, or their opinions on why bad things happened to them... I have become the one in the wrong.
The only thing that matters is Him, Him in me, Him in others, Him in everything I see.
Good leaders know that and that is why I would not make a good leader. Every night I have to go back to the Truth that all the distractions are for those who want to be distracted. I do not want to be distracted from the Lord of the Universe that lives in me and wants to know me and spend His time with me.
It amazes me how differently I used to feel about wisdom, as if it was something acquired as Christ in me grew. I don't think that anymore. Because then I would have wisdom and I know I have none. Christ IS wisdom and He is in me, therefore when He's abiding in me, there's the wisdom. And that's all I have to share with anyone. My opinion doesn't matter, my intelligence, or lack of, doesn't matter. All that matters is the Lord that wants to live out His life in me.
I think it's funny to see busybodies running around doing the Lord's work. The church is groups of loved, dripping with Christ, hungry Holy Spirit filled bodies. When the church comes together, it magnifies the Lord. It pleases Him.
The church has no personal opinions because the church is only there for her Bridegroom. The church participates in community life with each other and with others in the neighborhood that need help... orphans and widows, homeless and drug addicts.
The church could care less if someone brought on depression or illness themselves because Christ Himself doesn't even care about those things.
The church is what I am ending this blog with. I wrote in the beginning about what my life looks like here on earth.
I only care about the mind of Christ. I love Him and explore Him and talk about Him with others. I do all these things and I still suffer with post traumatic stress disorder and depression. I still struggle with finding the will to live some days. Go figure.
And if anyone ever tried to tell me that my depression has to do with a lack of turning to the Lord, I would politely thank them for the concern. For I once thought I knew something too.
Thanks for all the feedback friends and family. I enjoy the random coments, emails, and words that have been shared because of my (lack of) wisdom.
Have a wonderful night!
Love,
Jackie
In a world with options and distractions, there are many chances to get off course. I want to be in love with my Lord and go deep into Him. I would love to take my children along for the ride as Chris and I do this together. It has taken us years to become a couple that loves the Lord together and finally agrees on Christ being the third "chord" in our marriage.
I have been dealing with some depression, as have some of my friends. I had one friend almost die a couple of months ago from a strand of ecoli. A few years ago my husband had an aneurysm and almost died right in front of my eyes. And then he almost died again 10 days later while in the ICU because of vaso spasms in the brain. My young grandmother of only 71 died this year.
When these things happened I loved the Lord. I turn to Him everyday even when I don't see or hear back from Him. It didn't stop these things from happening.
Lately it seems like He stopped showing up, but I still turn to Him because I will do anything for the chance of even spending a moment with Him. In all of these situations there is an opportunity to "know" something. There is a chance to butt my nose in and decide why it happened and what could have stopped it.
I could drive myself crazy with what if's. What if I never had a friend I loved die at 17 years old? What if I never became a heroin addict and saw the dark side of the human condition? What if I never got physically attacked after being drugged and taken at a bar? What if I never got depression?
I didn't know the Lord when these things happened. Does that mean I brought them on myself? Some would say yes. I would say absolutely not. I think my Lord sat silently by crying and praying for me, but I don't know.
In my short time knowing Christ this is the only thing that I have learned...
The minute I become concerned with "getting it right," I've already gotten it wrong. The minute I become concerned with someone else's walk with Him, or their decisions in life, or their opinions on why bad things happened to them... I have become the one in the wrong.
The only thing that matters is Him, Him in me, Him in others, Him in everything I see.
Good leaders know that and that is why I would not make a good leader. Every night I have to go back to the Truth that all the distractions are for those who want to be distracted. I do not want to be distracted from the Lord of the Universe that lives in me and wants to know me and spend His time with me.
It amazes me how differently I used to feel about wisdom, as if it was something acquired as Christ in me grew. I don't think that anymore. Because then I would have wisdom and I know I have none. Christ IS wisdom and He is in me, therefore when He's abiding in me, there's the wisdom. And that's all I have to share with anyone. My opinion doesn't matter, my intelligence, or lack of, doesn't matter. All that matters is the Lord that wants to live out His life in me.
I think it's funny to see busybodies running around doing the Lord's work. The church is groups of loved, dripping with Christ, hungry Holy Spirit filled bodies. When the church comes together, it magnifies the Lord. It pleases Him.
The church has no personal opinions because the church is only there for her Bridegroom. The church participates in community life with each other and with others in the neighborhood that need help... orphans and widows, homeless and drug addicts.
The church could care less if someone brought on depression or illness themselves because Christ Himself doesn't even care about those things.
The church is what I am ending this blog with. I wrote in the beginning about what my life looks like here on earth.
I only care about the mind of Christ. I love Him and explore Him and talk about Him with others. I do all these things and I still suffer with post traumatic stress disorder and depression. I still struggle with finding the will to live some days. Go figure.
And if anyone ever tried to tell me that my depression has to do with a lack of turning to the Lord, I would politely thank them for the concern. For I once thought I knew something too.
Thanks for all the feedback friends and family. I enjoy the random coments, emails, and words that have been shared because of my (lack of) wisdom.
Have a wonderful night!
Love,
Jackie
the most inspired blog I've written
We are mere mortal humans. Yes, we are create to have the Lord live in us and infuse His live into us, but we are still human. We know nothing. The minute we think that we know anything, we are wrong.
There is a story in the bible that goes a little something like this... God asked a man to kill his own son. The man went up the hill to do it. Fortunately, the Lord told the man to stop and that he didn't have to kill his son. What if that man went around telling people, "Hey everyone, God wants us to kill our sons!!"
God gives us each our own problems, our own convictions, and our own ways to live. I would never try to convince another to homeschool, eat gluten free, go on medicine, go off medicine, to be a certain way, or to do a certain thing.
We are here to listen to each other and encourage each other on this earth.
My husband told me today that 5 years ago he did not understand depression. His response to my depression would have been... "get over it. We all go through rough times, right? You don't need medicine, just the joy of the Lord."
And that is the worst thing you can say to a person with depression. It would be like he was assuming he knew anything. We are not here to "know" things. We are here to love one and another. We are here to encourage and listen to and be with one another.
After I went off my medicine in March(completely my own choice) I experienced depression. Rather, I lost the will to live. I lost the ability to connect to another human being. It was not the same depression I felt after Chris' aneurysm or after I had a baby and was depressed for 6 months.
Chris saw for the first time that this was beyond my control. And since the Lord was not taking it away, I just had to find a way to live with it. My husband saw that this was unlike anything he had ever seen.
The minute we become more than a trusted friend, brother, or sister and we begin telling people what to do or that our convictions from the Lord should be their convictions too, we're wrong. We don't know what the Lord wants from and for another person.
I used to think that homeschooling was the Lord's will for Christians. I would read the scripture that tells us to train up our children in Him, and take that to mean we need to homeschool. What I have come to realize is that it's only what the Lord wants from me and that to put my conviction that homeschooling is what Christ wants from everyone on another, is wrong. The Lord doesn't give us instructions for others. He gives us instructions for ourselves.
As I end this I would like to add that I know nothing. I only know what I know for my family as far as what the Lord wants. The Lord gives us knowledge pertaining to our jobs, our roles in social circles, and our missions. Beyond that, we don't know anything. Even leaders, even (most)doctors, and even the president... the Lord's the only one with wisdom.
If you come across someone in crisis, please don't do anything stupid... like tell them it's not real, everyone goes through "this", to go against their doctor's wishes, or give any kind of wisdom at all. Only God can give wisdom. (Yes, I know God lives in us, but that should only make us see even more how little we really know!)
If you don't understand something, that doesn't mean it's not real. Just listen, love, and try to remember that our convictions are our convictions and not for everyone.
I have gotten so much positive feedback from these blogs about depression. More of my blogger friends than I ever know of struggle with depression or family that has it. I am glad that I am not alone in this.
I also know that I have a lot of readers who don't have this and so I really just want to shed some light on it. The best way to help is to love, not to give knowledge and wisdom for another person that we don't have. Usually it ends badly when we do that anyway. :)
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie
There is a story in the bible that goes a little something like this... God asked a man to kill his own son. The man went up the hill to do it. Fortunately, the Lord told the man to stop and that he didn't have to kill his son. What if that man went around telling people, "Hey everyone, God wants us to kill our sons!!"
God gives us each our own problems, our own convictions, and our own ways to live. I would never try to convince another to homeschool, eat gluten free, go on medicine, go off medicine, to be a certain way, or to do a certain thing.
We are here to listen to each other and encourage each other on this earth.
My husband told me today that 5 years ago he did not understand depression. His response to my depression would have been... "get over it. We all go through rough times, right? You don't need medicine, just the joy of the Lord."
And that is the worst thing you can say to a person with depression. It would be like he was assuming he knew anything. We are not here to "know" things. We are here to love one and another. We are here to encourage and listen to and be with one another.
After I went off my medicine in March(completely my own choice) I experienced depression. Rather, I lost the will to live. I lost the ability to connect to another human being. It was not the same depression I felt after Chris' aneurysm or after I had a baby and was depressed for 6 months.
Chris saw for the first time that this was beyond my control. And since the Lord was not taking it away, I just had to find a way to live with it. My husband saw that this was unlike anything he had ever seen.
The minute we become more than a trusted friend, brother, or sister and we begin telling people what to do or that our convictions from the Lord should be their convictions too, we're wrong. We don't know what the Lord wants from and for another person.
I used to think that homeschooling was the Lord's will for Christians. I would read the scripture that tells us to train up our children in Him, and take that to mean we need to homeschool. What I have come to realize is that it's only what the Lord wants from me and that to put my conviction that homeschooling is what Christ wants from everyone on another, is wrong. The Lord doesn't give us instructions for others. He gives us instructions for ourselves.
As I end this I would like to add that I know nothing. I only know what I know for my family as far as what the Lord wants. The Lord gives us knowledge pertaining to our jobs, our roles in social circles, and our missions. Beyond that, we don't know anything. Even leaders, even (most)doctors, and even the president... the Lord's the only one with wisdom.
If you come across someone in crisis, please don't do anything stupid... like tell them it's not real, everyone goes through "this", to go against their doctor's wishes, or give any kind of wisdom at all. Only God can give wisdom. (Yes, I know God lives in us, but that should only make us see even more how little we really know!)
If you don't understand something, that doesn't mean it's not real. Just listen, love, and try to remember that our convictions are our convictions and not for everyone.
I have gotten so much positive feedback from these blogs about depression. More of my blogger friends than I ever know of struggle with depression or family that has it. I am glad that I am not alone in this.
I also know that I have a lot of readers who don't have this and so I really just want to shed some light on it. The best way to help is to love, not to give knowledge and wisdom for another person that we don't have. Usually it ends badly when we do that anyway. :)
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
the seen and the unseen
Today I realized that the unseen realm is scary. There are 2 realities that go on and some people live in one and others live in both.
One the one hand, there is life. With jobs, cars riding down the streets, dinners in the oven, kids that need to go to school(or be homeschooled), groups that meet for Christ, groups that meet for homeschool, groups that meet for recovering folks, there is facebook and phone calls, and bustling life.
Then there is another reality, the one that some people can't see or understand. A friend checked him/her self into an institution today because the depression got so dark, all they could see was the gray. And I realized that we live on 2 realms. Yes, this person could have had all the normal life that goes on each day, but the unseen was too much to bear. I know that with me it is a lack of a chemical in my head that causes life to turn gray. I just went through something like that myself. At one point I told my husband that it was getting too much to bear and I might not be around much longer. Fortunately there is an ebb and flow to the unseen and the despair passed.
The unseen realm is "easy" for most Christians to talk about because we know that Christ is good and if He's in the unseen, then how can there be darkness? But it's just like this world, there is good and bad. It's so much harder to accept that there is a scary dark thing out there that we humans call 'depression.' I know that some don't accept this. I met people in the first church I ever went to that accepted the good heavenly realms with Christ, but not the darkness that people go through too.
Today I am going to have a hard time homeschooling, exercising, cooking, baking, and seeing Sisters because I know that while all this goes on, there is someone I care about sitting in a hospital fighting the darkness. I don't understand why some people have to fight off the gray bland-ness of depression, but I hate it.
For those of you that read me, but don't understand the difference between normal stress/life induced sadness, and depression... here's the difference in my life. Sadness is feelings. Depression is uncontrollable thoughts of dying along with bouts of despair and absolutely no hope that life will ever be good again.
A very good friend of mine just helped me through my downswing of depression. One of the most helpful things she kept telling me was that it would end soon. Because in this other unseen reality, I couldn't see that it would end. In the "gray world" it seemed like it would go on forever and the only end to it would be death. Chris and I are so grateful to her for not making me feel crazy and reminding us that it would get better.
I was shielded from the "seen" world and from anything else that felt crushing. If I didn't have someone to do that, I would have had to check myself in somewhere.
I know that my blogs have been dark lately. I'll perk up soon enough and start writing again about homeschooling and organic crap, but I am in this place. I also know that there are those with depression who read this, and maybe they don't feel so alone.
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie
One the one hand, there is life. With jobs, cars riding down the streets, dinners in the oven, kids that need to go to school(or be homeschooled), groups that meet for Christ, groups that meet for homeschool, groups that meet for recovering folks, there is facebook and phone calls, and bustling life.
Then there is another reality, the one that some people can't see or understand. A friend checked him/her self into an institution today because the depression got so dark, all they could see was the gray. And I realized that we live on 2 realms. Yes, this person could have had all the normal life that goes on each day, but the unseen was too much to bear. I know that with me it is a lack of a chemical in my head that causes life to turn gray. I just went through something like that myself. At one point I told my husband that it was getting too much to bear and I might not be around much longer. Fortunately there is an ebb and flow to the unseen and the despair passed.
The unseen realm is "easy" for most Christians to talk about because we know that Christ is good and if He's in the unseen, then how can there be darkness? But it's just like this world, there is good and bad. It's so much harder to accept that there is a scary dark thing out there that we humans call 'depression.' I know that some don't accept this. I met people in the first church I ever went to that accepted the good heavenly realms with Christ, but not the darkness that people go through too.
Today I am going to have a hard time homeschooling, exercising, cooking, baking, and seeing Sisters because I know that while all this goes on, there is someone I care about sitting in a hospital fighting the darkness. I don't understand why some people have to fight off the gray bland-ness of depression, but I hate it.
For those of you that read me, but don't understand the difference between normal stress/life induced sadness, and depression... here's the difference in my life. Sadness is feelings. Depression is uncontrollable thoughts of dying along with bouts of despair and absolutely no hope that life will ever be good again.
A very good friend of mine just helped me through my downswing of depression. One of the most helpful things she kept telling me was that it would end soon. Because in this other unseen reality, I couldn't see that it would end. In the "gray world" it seemed like it would go on forever and the only end to it would be death. Chris and I are so grateful to her for not making me feel crazy and reminding us that it would get better.
I was shielded from the "seen" world and from anything else that felt crushing. If I didn't have someone to do that, I would have had to check myself in somewhere.
I know that my blogs have been dark lately. I'll perk up soon enough and start writing again about homeschooling and organic crap, but I am in this place. I also know that there are those with depression who read this, and maybe they don't feel so alone.
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
I'm His
Christ gave his disciples one new commandment right before He went to the cross.
John 13:34 "I give you a new commandment: That you should love one and other just as I have love you, so you too should love one another. By this all men will know you are my disciples..."
In going through a dark, depressed time I have asked my husband over and over again... what does the love look like? It's the lack of what I think love is, that's hurting my heart.
I want human connection. I want another person to desire to talk with me, know me, hug me, or just be with me. My husband and my children give me that. It's a beautiful picture of Christ. But sometimes I want more.
Here's what I think love looks like. I think it's everything Christ did or said. I think it's so much deeper than we could ever comprehend. Love is reaching my arm out and giving to another that can't give back. Love is being kind to everyone, not just our friends. Love is putting myself last, but knowing that in Christ my worth is immeasurable.
I feel so isolated. Being a Christian in this point of my life is the most isolated, lonely thing that I have ever done. But I am doing it to follow Christ(in what that means to me and Chris.) I had friends and groups and playdates and people. I left it all for Him because He called me to a town with people I barely know, but those He wants me with. It's scary. What if I live here for 10 years and don't make a single friend? What if I never get the human connection I feel I need?
I feel the Lord telling me "So what? You follow me."
Following the Lord is hard and scary. I can tell you that I was elated when I began to know and discover Him, but then came the cross. It's easy to love Him when everything is going well and I have friends and a social life, and my husband is home after work, and things were going my way.
I am starting to think that the Lord took away my human connection with everyone but my family so that I could face this cross. Would I still love Him when no one calls for weeks and weeks? Would I still love Him when I open my heart up and get no replies? Would I still love Him when I feel like I will be alone forever and I can't take the pain anymore?
The answer is a YES!! Not only that, but I will love others too. And that's how I'll know I'm His and he hasn't left me. I'll love those who don't know me, those who reject me, and those who the Lord places in my path because He is all that matters.
Even if it stays this way forever, I will love Him.
Thanks for reading,
Jackie
John 13:34 "I give you a new commandment: That you should love one and other just as I have love you, so you too should love one another. By this all men will know you are my disciples..."
In going through a dark, depressed time I have asked my husband over and over again... what does the love look like? It's the lack of what I think love is, that's hurting my heart.
I want human connection. I want another person to desire to talk with me, know me, hug me, or just be with me. My husband and my children give me that. It's a beautiful picture of Christ. But sometimes I want more.
Here's what I think love looks like. I think it's everything Christ did or said. I think it's so much deeper than we could ever comprehend. Love is reaching my arm out and giving to another that can't give back. Love is being kind to everyone, not just our friends. Love is putting myself last, but knowing that in Christ my worth is immeasurable.
I feel so isolated. Being a Christian in this point of my life is the most isolated, lonely thing that I have ever done. But I am doing it to follow Christ(in what that means to me and Chris.) I had friends and groups and playdates and people. I left it all for Him because He called me to a town with people I barely know, but those He wants me with. It's scary. What if I live here for 10 years and don't make a single friend? What if I never get the human connection I feel I need?
I feel the Lord telling me "So what? You follow me."
Following the Lord is hard and scary. I can tell you that I was elated when I began to know and discover Him, but then came the cross. It's easy to love Him when everything is going well and I have friends and a social life, and my husband is home after work, and things were going my way.
I am starting to think that the Lord took away my human connection with everyone but my family so that I could face this cross. Would I still love Him when no one calls for weeks and weeks? Would I still love Him when I open my heart up and get no replies? Would I still love Him when I feel like I will be alone forever and I can't take the pain anymore?
The answer is a YES!! Not only that, but I will love others too. And that's how I'll know I'm His and he hasn't left me. I'll love those who don't know me, those who reject me, and those who the Lord places in my path because He is all that matters.
Even if it stays this way forever, I will love Him.
Thanks for reading,
Jackie
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