The world, the church, and eternity is such a great place to start. I have read book after book about my purpose here on earth and have come to the conclusion that I am here, in existence, to know the Lord and to be His. I don't know what that will look like after my earthly life is over so I can only write about what it's like here on earth.
In a world with options and distractions, there are many chances to get off course. I want to be in love with my Lord and go deep into Him. I would love to take my children along for the ride as Chris and I do this together. It has taken us years to become a couple that loves the Lord together and finally agrees on Christ being the third "chord" in our marriage.
I have been dealing with some depression, as have some of my friends. I had one friend almost die a couple of months ago from a strand of ecoli. A few years ago my husband had an aneurysm and almost died right in front of my eyes. And then he almost died again 10 days later while in the ICU because of vaso spasms in the brain. My young grandmother of only 71 died this year.
When these things happened I loved the Lord. I turn to Him everyday even when I don't see or hear back from Him. It didn't stop these things from happening.
Lately it seems like He stopped showing up, but I still turn to Him because I will do anything for the chance of even spending a moment with Him. In all of these situations there is an opportunity to "know" something. There is a chance to butt my nose in and decide why it happened and what could have stopped it.
I could drive myself crazy with what if's. What if I never had a friend I loved die at 17 years old? What if I never became a heroin addict and saw the dark side of the human condition? What if I never got physically attacked after being drugged and taken at a bar? What if I never got depression?
I didn't know the Lord when these things happened. Does that mean I brought them on myself? Some would say yes. I would say absolutely not. I think my Lord sat silently by crying and praying for me, but I don't know.
In my short time knowing Christ this is the only thing that I have learned...
The minute I become concerned with "getting it right," I've already gotten it wrong. The minute I become concerned with someone else's walk with Him, or their decisions in life, or their opinions on why bad things happened to them... I have become the one in the wrong.
The only thing that matters is Him, Him in me, Him in others, Him in everything I see.
Good leaders know that and that is why I would not make a good leader. Every night I have to go back to the Truth that all the distractions are for those who want to be distracted. I do not want to be distracted from the Lord of the Universe that lives in me and wants to know me and spend His time with me.
It amazes me how differently I used to feel about wisdom, as if it was something acquired as Christ in me grew. I don't think that anymore. Because then I would have wisdom and I know I have none. Christ IS wisdom and He is in me, therefore when He's abiding in me, there's the wisdom. And that's all I have to share with anyone. My opinion doesn't matter, my intelligence, or lack of, doesn't matter. All that matters is the Lord that wants to live out His life in me.
I think it's funny to see busybodies running around doing the Lord's work. The church is groups of loved, dripping with Christ, hungry Holy Spirit filled bodies. When the church comes together, it magnifies the Lord. It pleases Him.
The church has no personal opinions because the church is only there for her Bridegroom. The church participates in community life with each other and with others in the neighborhood that need help... orphans and widows, homeless and drug addicts.
The church could care less if someone brought on depression or illness themselves because Christ Himself doesn't even care about those things.
The church is what I am ending this blog with. I wrote in the beginning about what my life looks like here on earth.
I only care about the mind of Christ. I love Him and explore Him and talk about Him with others. I do all these things and I still suffer with post traumatic stress disorder and depression. I still struggle with finding the will to live some days. Go figure.
And if anyone ever tried to tell me that my depression has to do with a lack of turning to the Lord, I would politely thank them for the concern. For I once thought I knew something too.
Thanks for all the feedback friends and family. I enjoy the random coments, emails, and words that have been shared because of my (lack of) wisdom.
Have a wonderful night!
Love,
Jackie
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