I don't care! That's right, I finally don't care about the world, about my problems, about what people like me and what people don't like me. I don't care about being politically correct in order to please politically correct people. Christ is not afraid of me. He's not afraid of my problems and all the scary things about me.
I want to express Him, but I also want to love Him as if He were on the outside of my body too. I like thinking of Him romantically, like a first love.
It's so great to know Him and love Him even through the sadness. And tonight it occur ed to me... not many people like me all that much. I am difficult to get along with(I suppose, why else would I be so alone?) and maybe even awkward. I've had a past that not many people can relate to, so I can understand why I don't form connections with normal people. But I love Christ with all my heart. And I love people too because Christ lives in people. I am not a flesh lover. Friends are of the flesh and I don't really have friends.
I am a Christ lover, passionately! And people have Christ in them. So I love people for that reason alone.
And that has made me free. I can be comfortable in my skin because I don't need approval, I need Him. I need the One who fills me. I need the One who created me to fit inside of Him.
This revelation is not the end of my insecurity, but the beginning of feeling comfortable in my skin and in my life. There will always be those that look down on me because of my parenting, because I am not a good enough wife, or because I am not fitting what they think I should look like. There will always be an opportunity to fall victim to the views of others. I have been crushed under the weight of trying to please the world and the people in the world.
But the Lord has not left me. He is still in me and He will never leave me again.
You may be reading this and thinking that the Lord had never left me in the first place. You may be right, but having a complete nervous breakdown due to depression kinda blocks Him. The will to live was taken and the Lord was nowhere to be found in that. And I'm not afraid of being politically incorrect in saying that.
I have always been somewhat of a loner. I now have the freedom to be that loner. Don't get me wrong, am not going to live a solitary life out in the woods. But I am giving myself permission to have a friend or two and beyond that, not have "friends". I love all people. I love all people because Christ lives in so many and He created all of them. So I love all of them because of how darn much I love Him. But I am going to stop trying so hard to have friends, or try to make people like me. I don't care anymore about people liking me. Truly, the weight has been lifted. But, I love you. Whether you like me or not, I love your socks off!!
Tomorrow is the last day I will be online for a week. My husband is taking me on a cruise. I not packing 1 tee shirt on this trip... all nice non-mom clothes. :)
After that I have a Sisters retreat with ladies that I share Christ with. I a not real sure what sharing Christ means anymore,but looking forward to exploring what it is. Because I want to please Him and I think it would please Him. I don't really know if these ladies like me all that much, but I know they love the Christ in me so I am all in!
I will be back in a week and will have lots of pictures to share and maybe some stories to write about. Hopefully my cruise ship won't sink and hopefully I can flirt so shamelessly with my hubby that he develops a crush on me all over again!
Love,
Jackie
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Monday, September 19, 2011
light on darkness
When I was seven years old, something happened in my body and in my mind that changed the way I saw the world forever. I will never forget the moment the wave of sadness covered me. It felt like a heavy blanket was being laid on top of me. In school I would write about being sad and wanting to die. My teachers were alarmed and my parents did everything they could to help me not be sad. Counselors back then didn't know much about childhood depression. It's not much different today.
About 6 months ago I woke up one day and decided that I couldn't deal with anything. I quit everything I was doing and involved in, and I laid around crying for a few weeks. And then it went away and I got better. I had no idea what had happened. Depression was something I dealt with as a child,but never in a million years thought that it followed me into adulthood.
A few weeks ago I began to feel the same strange things. My vision of life and the Lord became clouded. I couldn't see past darkness. It wasn't as if I was trying to look at the worst in people and situations, but I couldn't see the good in anything if my life depended on it. I couldn't stand being in my own skin. I was struggling to find the will to live. Even with Christ as my life, if chemicals in my head, such as serotonin, aren't getting to were they need to go I will stay "under the blanket" of sadness.
So for weeks the sadness has been lingering. And nobody knew because the only words I could get out of my mouth were that I was having a hard time and I was sad. I could never let the words "I want to die" leave my lips. And I began to hate everyone I knew because they got to have the will to live. I would see a lady driving her car down the road and think that she is so lucky because she probably feels some level of hope or joy. It happened over and over. I gained weight, started oversleeping by obnoxious amounts of time, and I was in physical pain.
I started seeing a doctor and was diagnosed with a form of depression. It is a serious kind. Most people that have this aren't able to keep friends or stable relationships. When I read that I instantly became grateful for my husband. I know he would never leave me and that's never been something I've had to worry about.
There is a stigma attached to depression, especially rapid cycling bipolar depression. I was afraid to be crazy. In the past when I would have a breakdown and all the sadness, paranoia, and pain would come crashing down on me at once, I would just leave. Better to leave than have to stay and explain what my problem was.
I have decided that I want to be healthy. I can never get rid of this, but I can learn to manage it. Counseling and medicine and professionals are here to help. I didn't want to seek help because I felt so much guilt about being alive that I didn't want to spend my family's money on counseling. I also didn't think I needed it because I had the Lord. Last week my problems became bigger than my desire to control it my way. Or control it at all.
I am going to be open and honest and never again pretend that I don't suffer with this. If you read this blog and you know me, I am still the same person. I just no longer want to hide that I have depression.
It makes me hard to get along with. It makes me paranoid and therefore, alienated. It makes me irritable, shaky and full of energy and ideas, or low and unable to leave the house. It makes me want to leave everything I know during an upswing in the cycle... including my marriage(like I said, my hubby is amazing) and run away. During a downswing I quit everything in preparation for falling off the grid.
I am blessed to have a few close friends as well as my family, that aren't afraid of my struggles. It reminds me that there is still good in the world.
I plan on taking advantage of this time and writing through it(in a private journal). Some of my best writing has come during times of darkness and recovery. Having decided that I am going to be open about this illness, I feel the weight of the world lifted. Who knows where I'll be a year from now. I just know that I'll be okay. Thanks for reading.
Love,
Jackie
About 6 months ago I woke up one day and decided that I couldn't deal with anything. I quit everything I was doing and involved in, and I laid around crying for a few weeks. And then it went away and I got better. I had no idea what had happened. Depression was something I dealt with as a child,but never in a million years thought that it followed me into adulthood.
A few weeks ago I began to feel the same strange things. My vision of life and the Lord became clouded. I couldn't see past darkness. It wasn't as if I was trying to look at the worst in people and situations, but I couldn't see the good in anything if my life depended on it. I couldn't stand being in my own skin. I was struggling to find the will to live. Even with Christ as my life, if chemicals in my head, such as serotonin, aren't getting to were they need to go I will stay "under the blanket" of sadness.
So for weeks the sadness has been lingering. And nobody knew because the only words I could get out of my mouth were that I was having a hard time and I was sad. I could never let the words "I want to die" leave my lips. And I began to hate everyone I knew because they got to have the will to live. I would see a lady driving her car down the road and think that she is so lucky because she probably feels some level of hope or joy. It happened over and over. I gained weight, started oversleeping by obnoxious amounts of time, and I was in physical pain.
I started seeing a doctor and was diagnosed with a form of depression. It is a serious kind. Most people that have this aren't able to keep friends or stable relationships. When I read that I instantly became grateful for my husband. I know he would never leave me and that's never been something I've had to worry about.
There is a stigma attached to depression, especially rapid cycling bipolar depression. I was afraid to be crazy. In the past when I would have a breakdown and all the sadness, paranoia, and pain would come crashing down on me at once, I would just leave. Better to leave than have to stay and explain what my problem was.
I have decided that I want to be healthy. I can never get rid of this, but I can learn to manage it. Counseling and medicine and professionals are here to help. I didn't want to seek help because I felt so much guilt about being alive that I didn't want to spend my family's money on counseling. I also didn't think I needed it because I had the Lord. Last week my problems became bigger than my desire to control it my way. Or control it at all.
I am going to be open and honest and never again pretend that I don't suffer with this. If you read this blog and you know me, I am still the same person. I just no longer want to hide that I have depression.
It makes me hard to get along with. It makes me paranoid and therefore, alienated. It makes me irritable, shaky and full of energy and ideas, or low and unable to leave the house. It makes me want to leave everything I know during an upswing in the cycle... including my marriage(like I said, my hubby is amazing) and run away. During a downswing I quit everything in preparation for falling off the grid.
I am blessed to have a few close friends as well as my family, that aren't afraid of my struggles. It reminds me that there is still good in the world.
I plan on taking advantage of this time and writing through it(in a private journal). Some of my best writing has come during times of darkness and recovery. Having decided that I am going to be open about this illness, I feel the weight of the world lifted. Who knows where I'll be a year from now. I just know that I'll be okay. Thanks for reading.
Love,
Jackie
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
illness in our bodies and our minds
A natural, physical world exists and a supernatural, or spirit, world exists. The more I come to know Christ the more the lines becomes blurred.
I learned during childbirth just how much power our minds and our will can have over the flesh. The physical act of pain and the supernatural world I remained in, in my spirit, joined and I was able to control the pain with focus of the mind. As a christian that chooses to die to myself and remain in Him, Christ's will is so much more powerful than mine ever was.
I have seen more than once someone have pain and flu symptoms for loooong periods of time while having nothing physically wrong. Completely fine and healthy inside the body, while truly feeling the sensation of pain and nausea. When someone believes they are ill and feels symptoms, then actual illness follows because a healthy lifestyle is not kept up. When the soul and mind aren't fed with time in the sun, time with friends doing things we enjoy, and eating foods we love we will begin to wither. I have also known friends that have been sick in the body, yet totally healthy in the mind and have very few symptoms. My grandmother that just died was extremely ill for a few years and I had no idea. She was a beautiful picture of strength, although I wish she would have let us know so we could support her. As I began to find out more about how she died and the illness she lived with, I am amazed that she was able do everything she did while sick. She was a tough broad.
Something really interesting I noticed a few years ago was the pattern of pain in the last several years of my life. What I am about to write is a testament to the power of the will, the mind, or the Spirit in us.
I have been in physical pain since shortly after Jake was born. It was a difficult and complicated pregnancy. The pain afterwards was often severe and I spent lots of time on the couch or laying on bed. I got surgery to help alleviate some of the discomfort. A week after my surgery Chris had an aneurysm. He was "out of commission" for about 6 months. During that time I had to handle everything... bills, housework, cleaning, cooking, taking care of the kids, driving Chris to and from rehab, caring for Chris(I had to help him shower and get dresses for the first month), and everything else that husbands and wives do to care for a home and family. I was busy, but I did it all and never noticed pain. I didn't have time for pain. The same month Chris became self sufficient and went to work, I started feeling pain in my abdomen. What the heck? I tried hard to pretend that I wasn't hurting. I pretended to be in charge of everything again because maybe I could trick my body. It didn't work. Within 6 months I had a hysterectomy for pain caused by endo and adenomyosis.
I think about that time often. Was it really because I was so busy that my mind was overriding my body and I wasn't having to deal with pain? Was the Lord taking the pain from me because I wouldn't have been able to care for my family? I don't know, but when I feel pain now sometimes I wonder if I just need more to do (just kidding).
I went to the doctor yesterday. I learned how to relax and breathe through painful or difficult episodes. My doctor is big on health, nutrition, yoga, and the avoidance of prescription medication. She was letting me know that stress, depression, and drama will make the sensation of pain feel worse than it is. This is a doctor telling me this. So sickness and pain can absolutely begin in the mind and manifest in the body. Does that make it any less real? Nope. I pray for both the same. When a person is not well we never really know where the origin lies... head, body, or both. When I was a kid I would pretend to be sick so my mom wouldn't send me to school. Whenever I fought with my friends I would want to stay home and nurse my little 6yr old frivolous wounds. My mom knew that I wasn't truly sick, but she would give me attention and affection and lots of love. Just saying I was sick when I wasn't is letting her know that somethings wrong, something isn't well, but it's in my spirit and not so much in my body. I think it's just easier to say we don't feel well in the body.
We are so intricately connected. We can heal ourselves with the faith of a mustard seed and we can also become very sick just by being unwell in the mind and spirit.
I have to end this now, running out of time!
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie
I learned during childbirth just how much power our minds and our will can have over the flesh. The physical act of pain and the supernatural world I remained in, in my spirit, joined and I was able to control the pain with focus of the mind. As a christian that chooses to die to myself and remain in Him, Christ's will is so much more powerful than mine ever was.
I have seen more than once someone have pain and flu symptoms for loooong periods of time while having nothing physically wrong. Completely fine and healthy inside the body, while truly feeling the sensation of pain and nausea. When someone believes they are ill and feels symptoms, then actual illness follows because a healthy lifestyle is not kept up. When the soul and mind aren't fed with time in the sun, time with friends doing things we enjoy, and eating foods we love we will begin to wither. I have also known friends that have been sick in the body, yet totally healthy in the mind and have very few symptoms. My grandmother that just died was extremely ill for a few years and I had no idea. She was a beautiful picture of strength, although I wish she would have let us know so we could support her. As I began to find out more about how she died and the illness she lived with, I am amazed that she was able do everything she did while sick. She was a tough broad.
Something really interesting I noticed a few years ago was the pattern of pain in the last several years of my life. What I am about to write is a testament to the power of the will, the mind, or the Spirit in us.
I have been in physical pain since shortly after Jake was born. It was a difficult and complicated pregnancy. The pain afterwards was often severe and I spent lots of time on the couch or laying on bed. I got surgery to help alleviate some of the discomfort. A week after my surgery Chris had an aneurysm. He was "out of commission" for about 6 months. During that time I had to handle everything... bills, housework, cleaning, cooking, taking care of the kids, driving Chris to and from rehab, caring for Chris(I had to help him shower and get dresses for the first month), and everything else that husbands and wives do to care for a home and family. I was busy, but I did it all and never noticed pain. I didn't have time for pain. The same month Chris became self sufficient and went to work, I started feeling pain in my abdomen. What the heck? I tried hard to pretend that I wasn't hurting. I pretended to be in charge of everything again because maybe I could trick my body. It didn't work. Within 6 months I had a hysterectomy for pain caused by endo and adenomyosis.
I think about that time often. Was it really because I was so busy that my mind was overriding my body and I wasn't having to deal with pain? Was the Lord taking the pain from me because I wouldn't have been able to care for my family? I don't know, but when I feel pain now sometimes I wonder if I just need more to do (just kidding).
I went to the doctor yesterday. I learned how to relax and breathe through painful or difficult episodes. My doctor is big on health, nutrition, yoga, and the avoidance of prescription medication. She was letting me know that stress, depression, and drama will make the sensation of pain feel worse than it is. This is a doctor telling me this. So sickness and pain can absolutely begin in the mind and manifest in the body. Does that make it any less real? Nope. I pray for both the same. When a person is not well we never really know where the origin lies... head, body, or both. When I was a kid I would pretend to be sick so my mom wouldn't send me to school. Whenever I fought with my friends I would want to stay home and nurse my little 6yr old frivolous wounds. My mom knew that I wasn't truly sick, but she would give me attention and affection and lots of love. Just saying I was sick when I wasn't is letting her know that somethings wrong, something isn't well, but it's in my spirit and not so much in my body. I think it's just easier to say we don't feel well in the body.
We are so intricately connected. We can heal ourselves with the faith of a mustard seed and we can also become very sick just by being unwell in the mind and spirit.
I have to end this now, running out of time!
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie
Sunday, September 4, 2011
when the burden is heavy
I admit it. I am overwhelmed a LOT. I have become very busy because I have taken on many things over the years. Some of it has been because of personal beliefs and convictions. Some of it has been convictions from the Lord. I don't regret doing any of the things on my plate. If anything I believe that everything I do and everything the Lord gives me is good. I enjoy my lot in life very much. I know how blessed I am to be at home with my kids. But it doesn't stop me from feeling like I need a break. It doesn't keep me from feeling lonely.
Lately I have been feeling wound up. I keep waiting for a break to come. Usually on the weekend Chris watches the kids while I grocery shop and run on the treadmill. This Saturday I didn't get that. Chris wasn't feeling well so I brought the kids with me. It's hard to enjoy my family because I feel so burdened by the responsibility of taking care of them. Last night I couldn't sleep. I was sad and trying to seek out the Lord to find my strength to keep going. It would be all too easy to break down and just quit. I could quit homeschooling, quit organic church and get my husband back, quit everything that isn't just for me. I just became a direct sales consultant for 31. I have no desire to quit that because it'll get me out of the house without any kids.
In my time with the Lord last night He brought to mind His yoke and encouraged me that it is light. But I don't really know what that means. Why do I feel so burned out and run down?
In the last few days I have been more vocal about what I need. I have let my husband know that I need some time soon. Time for myself. That's hard to do. I don't ever want him to think less of me as a wife. i don't ever want him to think that I can't handle taking care of our home. But I think that the Lord is wanting me to ask for this. I also had another opportunity where I spoke up about a desire I had involving more rest for myself in a situation. I felt like I was going to have a heart attack, but I did it. And it's because I am desperate for what I need. It takes being at the end of myself to reach out and ask for things. And that's where I saw Christ.
It's that way with Him. It takes being thirsty for Him and hungry for Him before seeking Him out violently. A well fed girl isn't going to do whatever she has to in order to get food, but will be more relaxed and willing to wait. Christ is my daily food. When I am in a land that has plenty I can become lazy and unappreciative of Him. When He is sparse in my life, I must look outside of myself and seek Him out.
As I wrap this up I begin to feel the heaviness of the day weighing on me. The hubby is at a race today and so I need to get the kids ready, pack up our games and food and go cheer him on and support him. And after that I may just ask for a break. :)
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie
Lately I have been feeling wound up. I keep waiting for a break to come. Usually on the weekend Chris watches the kids while I grocery shop and run on the treadmill. This Saturday I didn't get that. Chris wasn't feeling well so I brought the kids with me. It's hard to enjoy my family because I feel so burdened by the responsibility of taking care of them. Last night I couldn't sleep. I was sad and trying to seek out the Lord to find my strength to keep going. It would be all too easy to break down and just quit. I could quit homeschooling, quit organic church and get my husband back, quit everything that isn't just for me. I just became a direct sales consultant for 31. I have no desire to quit that because it'll get me out of the house without any kids.
In my time with the Lord last night He brought to mind His yoke and encouraged me that it is light. But I don't really know what that means. Why do I feel so burned out and run down?
In the last few days I have been more vocal about what I need. I have let my husband know that I need some time soon. Time for myself. That's hard to do. I don't ever want him to think less of me as a wife. i don't ever want him to think that I can't handle taking care of our home. But I think that the Lord is wanting me to ask for this. I also had another opportunity where I spoke up about a desire I had involving more rest for myself in a situation. I felt like I was going to have a heart attack, but I did it. And it's because I am desperate for what I need. It takes being at the end of myself to reach out and ask for things. And that's where I saw Christ.
It's that way with Him. It takes being thirsty for Him and hungry for Him before seeking Him out violently. A well fed girl isn't going to do whatever she has to in order to get food, but will be more relaxed and willing to wait. Christ is my daily food. When I am in a land that has plenty I can become lazy and unappreciative of Him. When He is sparse in my life, I must look outside of myself and seek Him out.
As I wrap this up I begin to feel the heaviness of the day weighing on me. The hubby is at a race today and so I need to get the kids ready, pack up our games and food and go cheer him on and support him. And after that I may just ask for a break. :)
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie
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