I don't care! That's right, I finally don't care about the world, about my problems, about what people like me and what people don't like me. I don't care about being politically correct in order to please politically correct people. Christ is not afraid of me. He's not afraid of my problems and all the scary things about me.
I want to express Him, but I also want to love Him as if He were on the outside of my body too. I like thinking of Him romantically, like a first love.
It's so great to know Him and love Him even through the sadness. And tonight it occur ed to me... not many people like me all that much. I am difficult to get along with(I suppose, why else would I be so alone?) and maybe even awkward. I've had a past that not many people can relate to, so I can understand why I don't form connections with normal people. But I love Christ with all my heart. And I love people too because Christ lives in people. I am not a flesh lover. Friends are of the flesh and I don't really have friends.
I am a Christ lover, passionately! And people have Christ in them. So I love people for that reason alone.
And that has made me free. I can be comfortable in my skin because I don't need approval, I need Him. I need the One who fills me. I need the One who created me to fit inside of Him.
This revelation is not the end of my insecurity, but the beginning of feeling comfortable in my skin and in my life. There will always be those that look down on me because of my parenting, because I am not a good enough wife, or because I am not fitting what they think I should look like. There will always be an opportunity to fall victim to the views of others. I have been crushed under the weight of trying to please the world and the people in the world.
But the Lord has not left me. He is still in me and He will never leave me again.
You may be reading this and thinking that the Lord had never left me in the first place. You may be right, but having a complete nervous breakdown due to depression kinda blocks Him. The will to live was taken and the Lord was nowhere to be found in that. And I'm not afraid of being politically incorrect in saying that.
I have always been somewhat of a loner. I now have the freedom to be that loner. Don't get me wrong, am not going to live a solitary life out in the woods. But I am giving myself permission to have a friend or two and beyond that, not have "friends". I love all people. I love all people because Christ lives in so many and He created all of them. So I love all of them because of how darn much I love Him. But I am going to stop trying so hard to have friends, or try to make people like me. I don't care anymore about people liking me. Truly, the weight has been lifted. But, I love you. Whether you like me or not, I love your socks off!!
Tomorrow is the last day I will be online for a week. My husband is taking me on a cruise. I not packing 1 tee shirt on this trip... all nice non-mom clothes. :)
After that I have a Sisters retreat with ladies that I share Christ with. I a not real sure what sharing Christ means anymore,but looking forward to exploring what it is. Because I want to please Him and I think it would please Him. I don't really know if these ladies like me all that much, but I know they love the Christ in me so I am all in!
I will be back in a week and will have lots of pictures to share and maybe some stories to write about. Hopefully my cruise ship won't sink and hopefully I can flirt so shamelessly with my hubby that he develops a crush on me all over again!
Love,
Jackie
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