Last night we had some friends over. We sought the Lord together and shared Christ. By the end of the night I came to see that the "something" that was lacking in my life was Christ.
When I am not abiding in my Lord I distract myself, with homeschooling, with parenting, with housework, with anything that gives me an excuse not to think about the giant hole in my life.
I had something unexpected happen at my last doctor's appointment. I was told I had a "thing" that I'd have for the rest of my life. I was sad because I didn't want to have to struggle so much all the time for the rest of my days, but glad to know what was causing my symptoms. For the rest of that day I was calling on the Lord. I felt like a child on His lap. I knew He loved me and I wanted Him more than anything.
But the day came and went, and I was left with the diagnosis. I was upset and irritable. I stopped turning to Him because I began to feel angry and cast aside. I started feeling like life wasn't fair.
The things that were all blessings from the Lord, like homeschooling and parenting, became distractions. I distracted myself. I thought that we needed to move back to Jacksonville and find a nice church to "attend." And that way I could just blend in with everyone and not have to talk to anyone and nobody would know that I wasn't even a christian. How can I be a christian when I am not seeking Him, abiding in Him, and hearing from Him? If He lives in me, shouldn't at least one of those things be going on? The solution seems simple, right? I should just start turning to Him. I couldn't. And I can't really explain it more than that. I felt like I couldn't turn to Him. Because of everything going on, I thought He no longer wanted me or loved me.
To show the power of living in the Body of Christ, I'll expand. When I was with another person who is in Christ, I felt okay. When I was dealing with an issue that involved another person in Christ, I was able to deal with it in love, and I "knew" that I needed to be speaking and acting out of love. I did what I knew simply because I was connected to others. It was as if I was living off of the Christ in them.
I am happy to type that Christ is magnified today. In a teary filled confession that I feel like a "fake" and Christ isn't in my daily life, He became real and big. And I realized that I just went through somewhat of a dark period and the presence of Christ was gone. But now it's back. I don't have to pretend to abide in Him because I am.
And as I sat down to type a post in my Crunchy Mama blog, I thought that maybe I could actually try to write about Christ this morning. While writing about homeschooling and special diets is good, sometimes it just hides what's really going on.
Not all is perfect. Daily life still brings struggles. I still have pain. I still have all my little quirks to deal with. Just like everyone else. It will all be handled in Christ today. There is a death and a resurrection today. There are crosses today. I have the joy of the Lord today. His strength is being used to write this now.
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Sunday, August 14, 2011
sunday
After years and years of struggle, Chris and I are finally at a place where our commitment to eachother is no longer our own. We have submitted our lives and our marriage, as well as our parenting to the Lord. It's all His and we do as He wishes with them. Someone in my life that's going through a very difficult time told me that he looks to me as an example of coming through hardship to the other side of being healthy and happy. Who would have thought?
Since hearing that I have stood back and looked at all that's happened and the time that it's happened in...
I was an angry and miserable person. Never in a million years did I think that I would be a good example of anything. I always looked to those who didn't have the same traumatic events happen to them as the ones who were healthy. We all have bad things happen in life, but it seemed like I got the short end of the stick somewhere. My husband often tells me that I have had more to deal with in one life than anyone should ever have happen to them. It seems like "once in a lifetime" events happened every few years for me. I was the LAST person to ever be looked to for an example of anything good.
I hadn't realized how much had changed in three years. I didn't know the Lord was so big. And I can't believe how quickly he works. After Chris had his aneurysm I thought I would never be the same again, in the bad way. I could feel my spirit and soul shutting down. It felt like I was entering into a nervous breakdown that I would never see my way out of. It was the straw that broke the camel's back in my life. We could never have a normal life or a normal family again. I would never have the nice life that I wanted, being a stay at home mom with a husband that loved me and a group of great friends.
I was wrong.
I can only give credit where credit is do and say that it was Christ working in my life to restore everything. (This is the part of my blog where I shamelessly brag on my children.) I even got to be a good mom. I am not a kids person. I don't really like kids and have always had to struggle to maintain patience with them. But, the Lord opened these hidden doors in my heart that weren't there before. It was love for my children that was hidden in my heart. Ben made me a mommy, Hunter made me a good mommy, and Jake made me a fun mommy. My kids are too good. I don't deserve such well behaved, loving, warm hearted little boys. My kids love the Lord with all their hearts and are able to share that love with the world. They are the most forgiving and unselfish people I have ever met. And it's not because of me. If any good came from my parenting, it was only while I was acting on the indwelling life of Christ. As I type this my three year old thanks me for a 'nummy' dinner. Ahhh, it doesn't get any better than this.
I'm not the most spiritual of folk and I don't give the best advice. I don't get asked to do the important things. I don't lead anything and I'm not knwon for anything. I am, however, the best at my life.
I homeschool the heck out of my kids and see the beautiful results firsthand. No one else could do it better and I am the best of that. I love, love, love to type out my thoughts and feelings and have begun to write a book, a kindergarten curriculum, and I write articles for a nationwide homeschool magazine. I won't say I'm the best at those things, but sometimes when I get published, or simply get good feedback, I feel like the best. And that's good enough for me.
I have a husband that adores me and does anything for to make me happy and secure. If something really bothers me, he stops. If I really like something, he goes out of his way to get more for me. We are good at being married. I take pride in caring for him and know that I am the best at that.
The Lord has given me gratitude and joy after what seemed like was going to be a lifetime full of grief and illness.
This revelation was brought to me by someone I love and respect very much that is going through his own time of grief and sorrow. And as well as things are going I cannot fully enjoy it knowing that he is in his valley. I hope that he finds strength in the Lord to know his own worth.
It's all I can pray for anyone who's lost their way.
Thanks for reading,
Jackie
Since hearing that I have stood back and looked at all that's happened and the time that it's happened in...
I was an angry and miserable person. Never in a million years did I think that I would be a good example of anything. I always looked to those who didn't have the same traumatic events happen to them as the ones who were healthy. We all have bad things happen in life, but it seemed like I got the short end of the stick somewhere. My husband often tells me that I have had more to deal with in one life than anyone should ever have happen to them. It seems like "once in a lifetime" events happened every few years for me. I was the LAST person to ever be looked to for an example of anything good.
I hadn't realized how much had changed in three years. I didn't know the Lord was so big. And I can't believe how quickly he works. After Chris had his aneurysm I thought I would never be the same again, in the bad way. I could feel my spirit and soul shutting down. It felt like I was entering into a nervous breakdown that I would never see my way out of. It was the straw that broke the camel's back in my life. We could never have a normal life or a normal family again. I would never have the nice life that I wanted, being a stay at home mom with a husband that loved me and a group of great friends.
I was wrong.
I can only give credit where credit is do and say that it was Christ working in my life to restore everything. (This is the part of my blog where I shamelessly brag on my children.) I even got to be a good mom. I am not a kids person. I don't really like kids and have always had to struggle to maintain patience with them. But, the Lord opened these hidden doors in my heart that weren't there before. It was love for my children that was hidden in my heart. Ben made me a mommy, Hunter made me a good mommy, and Jake made me a fun mommy. My kids are too good. I don't deserve such well behaved, loving, warm hearted little boys. My kids love the Lord with all their hearts and are able to share that love with the world. They are the most forgiving and unselfish people I have ever met. And it's not because of me. If any good came from my parenting, it was only while I was acting on the indwelling life of Christ. As I type this my three year old thanks me for a 'nummy' dinner. Ahhh, it doesn't get any better than this.
I'm not the most spiritual of folk and I don't give the best advice. I don't get asked to do the important things. I don't lead anything and I'm not knwon for anything. I am, however, the best at my life.
I homeschool the heck out of my kids and see the beautiful results firsthand. No one else could do it better and I am the best of that. I love, love, love to type out my thoughts and feelings and have begun to write a book, a kindergarten curriculum, and I write articles for a nationwide homeschool magazine. I won't say I'm the best at those things, but sometimes when I get published, or simply get good feedback, I feel like the best. And that's good enough for me.
I have a husband that adores me and does anything for to make me happy and secure. If something really bothers me, he stops. If I really like something, he goes out of his way to get more for me. We are good at being married. I take pride in caring for him and know that I am the best at that.
The Lord has given me gratitude and joy after what seemed like was going to be a lifetime full of grief and illness.
This revelation was brought to me by someone I love and respect very much that is going through his own time of grief and sorrow. And as well as things are going I cannot fully enjoy it knowing that he is in his valley. I hope that he finds strength in the Lord to know his own worth.
It's all I can pray for anyone who's lost their way.
Thanks for reading,
Jackie
Friday, August 12, 2011
the cross
The cross. When Christ is being manifested in ourselves, the cross will surely take over the flesh.
All my life I have had a problem with seeing the worst in people and situations. I used to think it was "word of knowledge" that the Lord was giving me so I would know to stay away from certain people. But the Lord doesn't work that way. He spreads the word of knowledge over the entire body. He didn't just give it to me. So that excuse was out.
Then I started to think that because I had spent a decent amount of time on the "streets" during my addiction, I could see people's manipulation and bs pretty easily. I had learned early on that most people have selfish motives in the world of addiction. Most people did want to hurt me in that world. But I am no longer in that world, so that excuse is out.
For a short time I thought I was just paranoid. Maybe there was something wrong with me. Maybe the world is filled with good intentions and love and I'm just a miserable person who can't see any of it. But that would discard the Christ in me, so that can't be it.
Finally, I am seeing things for what they are. Good or bad, none of it matters if I am facing the cross. The most manipulative person can rule the earth and I am not to say a word against him, because when I face the cross it doesn't matter.
Most of you that read my blog know that I write what I go through. Well, I am attempting to choose Christ over my flesh right now when the flesh wants so bad to see the worst. The flesh wants to feel uncomfortable with people and situations that "rub me the wrong way." I am faced with the cross.
During my time with my partner a specific verse stood out to me but I could not put my finger on why. As I attempt to turn to Christ as my flesh wars against me, the verse made sense...
John 21:22 Jesus said to him, "If it is my will that he remain until I come, what is that to you? Follow me.
I replaced the words as if He was speaking to me...
Follow me. I am everything, enough, and when you look to Me you will see that none of this matters. Unfairness, manipulative people, a world full of pain, it is nothing when held to Me. If the whole world crashes down tomorrow, it matters nothing to the Saint looking directly at Me. If it is my will that your worst fear should come true, what is that to you? Follow Me."
All my life I have had a problem with seeing the worst in people and situations. I used to think it was "word of knowledge" that the Lord was giving me so I would know to stay away from certain people. But the Lord doesn't work that way. He spreads the word of knowledge over the entire body. He didn't just give it to me. So that excuse was out.
Then I started to think that because I had spent a decent amount of time on the "streets" during my addiction, I could see people's manipulation and bs pretty easily. I had learned early on that most people have selfish motives in the world of addiction. Most people did want to hurt me in that world. But I am no longer in that world, so that excuse is out.
For a short time I thought I was just paranoid. Maybe there was something wrong with me. Maybe the world is filled with good intentions and love and I'm just a miserable person who can't see any of it. But that would discard the Christ in me, so that can't be it.
Finally, I am seeing things for what they are. Good or bad, none of it matters if I am facing the cross. The most manipulative person can rule the earth and I am not to say a word against him, because when I face the cross it doesn't matter.
Most of you that read my blog know that I write what I go through. Well, I am attempting to choose Christ over my flesh right now when the flesh wants so bad to see the worst. The flesh wants to feel uncomfortable with people and situations that "rub me the wrong way." I am faced with the cross.
During my time with my partner a specific verse stood out to me but I could not put my finger on why. As I attempt to turn to Christ as my flesh wars against me, the verse made sense...
John 21:22 Jesus said to him, "If it is my will that he remain until I come, what is that to you? Follow me.
I replaced the words as if He was speaking to me...
Follow me. I am everything, enough, and when you look to Me you will see that none of this matters. Unfairness, manipulative people, a world full of pain, it is nothing when held to Me. If the whole world crashes down tomorrow, it matters nothing to the Saint looking directly at Me. If it is my will that your worst fear should come true, what is that to you? Follow Me."
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
my passive aggressivist recovery story
In a far, far away place sits a place called passive aggressive island. And I was their ruler. All lame jokes aside, being passive aggressive was how I handled everything. I was basically a coward. Because of my fear of conflict I opted to go the sneaky route... being passive aggressive.
It's not my main method of dealing with problems anymore, but I suspect there have been times I've slipped back into it. Most times without even realizing what I was doing.
For those who never visited the island, let me tell you a bit about it. Passive aggressiveness can take many forms. One of which is trying to give someone a secret message in a round about way. Most times that I would do this one of two things would happen. Either I wasn't obvious enough and no one ever got a message or I was too obvious and it just created a lot of tension because everyone knew what I was getting at.
Being passive aggressive wasn't fair to the person I had a problem with because they never got to talk with me about it. When I was vague about an issue, and went public either in a blog or in conversation or sharing within a group of friends it was more of an attack than an invite to talk about things.
What healed me of this horrible condition is also a great example of how passive aggressiveness halts all conversation. There are some people that have been in my life for a long time. They have always been very passive aggressive towards me when they come to my home. Blatantly ignoring me when I say hi or talk to them, interrupting me and excluding me if I do engage in conversation, and going as far as cutting me out of family pictures that I was in. Not being respectful of the way I choose to live or raise my kids(I won't give examples of that) is the straw that broke the camels back. I had to know what the deal was. So finally after years of this, I asked. And the response was that there was no problem. So every time these things happened, I would ask again, "have I done something to offend you?" And every time the answer would be "no, thing's are fine." Things obviously were not fine.
Being on the other side of the coin sharpened my tush right up! It was insanely infuriating! I felt like just enough was done to let me know that I was a problem, but in ways that there would never be a discussion or resolution. There have been other times that I was 99.99% sure a comment was given specifically for me, but it was given in a way that I couldn't talk to the person about it because it was clouded in a "general" statement. I have come to accept the unfair attacks as how humans deal with life these days.
Today I am so far on the other side of being passive aggressive that I *have* to talk about an issue. I can not pretend that there is no problem when something won't settle. Now, this is different from telling everyone everything they do that bothers me. When there is a real issue and I am bothered big time, hurt even, I need to talk about it and get it out in the open. A week is usually my lucky number. I let at issue sit for about a week and if it's still there, I go to the person that hurt me. I do not write blogs about it (I only write blogs when it's a government official that hurt me or a general rule of society that bugs the heck out of me), I do not put posts on facebook meant for "specific" people to see, I do not share within earshot of a person something I think they should hear. I used to do these things all the time. It was my main way of dealing with anything that bugged me.
I am fortunate enough to live in a community that wants me to talk about hurts if they don't go away easily. I live in a community that doesn't have the "me first" mentality so when I say I've been hurt, no one goes on the defensive. My family in Christ is extremely humble and makes it a safe place to be honest.
Sometimes I think I am really sensitive to things, but when I look at all the passive aggressiveness out there in the world, I see that we all feel these things. Only so many of us have been conditioned to be passive aggressive with our problems.
It has been in my mind and rumbling through my thoughts to write aobut this taboo subject for a little while now. What used to be a defense mechanism (and still is), is now how humans relate to each other.
I can promise you that if you read this, or any of my blogs, I will never write about problems I have in our relationship if we ever have any. There was a time when I would have, but not now, not for a while. I am a recovered passive aggressivist and I'm not going back.
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie
It's not my main method of dealing with problems anymore, but I suspect there have been times I've slipped back into it. Most times without even realizing what I was doing.
For those who never visited the island, let me tell you a bit about it. Passive aggressiveness can take many forms. One of which is trying to give someone a secret message in a round about way. Most times that I would do this one of two things would happen. Either I wasn't obvious enough and no one ever got a message or I was too obvious and it just created a lot of tension because everyone knew what I was getting at.
Being passive aggressive wasn't fair to the person I had a problem with because they never got to talk with me about it. When I was vague about an issue, and went public either in a blog or in conversation or sharing within a group of friends it was more of an attack than an invite to talk about things.
What healed me of this horrible condition is also a great example of how passive aggressiveness halts all conversation. There are some people that have been in my life for a long time. They have always been very passive aggressive towards me when they come to my home. Blatantly ignoring me when I say hi or talk to them, interrupting me and excluding me if I do engage in conversation, and going as far as cutting me out of family pictures that I was in. Not being respectful of the way I choose to live or raise my kids(I won't give examples of that) is the straw that broke the camels back. I had to know what the deal was. So finally after years of this, I asked. And the response was that there was no problem. So every time these things happened, I would ask again, "have I done something to offend you?" And every time the answer would be "no, thing's are fine." Things obviously were not fine.
Being on the other side of the coin sharpened my tush right up! It was insanely infuriating! I felt like just enough was done to let me know that I was a problem, but in ways that there would never be a discussion or resolution. There have been other times that I was 99.99% sure a comment was given specifically for me, but it was given in a way that I couldn't talk to the person about it because it was clouded in a "general" statement. I have come to accept the unfair attacks as how humans deal with life these days.
Today I am so far on the other side of being passive aggressive that I *have* to talk about an issue. I can not pretend that there is no problem when something won't settle. Now, this is different from telling everyone everything they do that bothers me. When there is a real issue and I am bothered big time, hurt even, I need to talk about it and get it out in the open. A week is usually my lucky number. I let at issue sit for about a week and if it's still there, I go to the person that hurt me. I do not write blogs about it (I only write blogs when it's a government official that hurt me or a general rule of society that bugs the heck out of me), I do not put posts on facebook meant for "specific" people to see, I do not share within earshot of a person something I think they should hear. I used to do these things all the time. It was my main way of dealing with anything that bugged me.
I am fortunate enough to live in a community that wants me to talk about hurts if they don't go away easily. I live in a community that doesn't have the "me first" mentality so when I say I've been hurt, no one goes on the defensive. My family in Christ is extremely humble and makes it a safe place to be honest.
Sometimes I think I am really sensitive to things, but when I look at all the passive aggressiveness out there in the world, I see that we all feel these things. Only so many of us have been conditioned to be passive aggressive with our problems.
It has been in my mind and rumbling through my thoughts to write aobut this taboo subject for a little while now. What used to be a defense mechanism (and still is), is now how humans relate to each other.
I can promise you that if you read this, or any of my blogs, I will never write about problems I have in our relationship if we ever have any. There was a time when I would have, but not now, not for a while. I am a recovered passive aggressivist and I'm not going back.
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie
Sunday, August 7, 2011
gratutude
Gratitude is thankfulness. Being thankful for every person, situation, and thing that we have.
Lately I am seeing a connection between gratitude and Christ. The flesh wants more, has desires of it's own, and strives to reach personal goals and agendas. Anyone who's known me for more than five minutes knows that I become disgruntled with anything less than perfection. It leaves me sad and frustrated. Because perfection is only possible when I behold Christ, looking at anything else will never satisfy me.
It's just been recently, as Christ increases in me, and in turn everything around me, that I have stopped complaining(don't hold me to it, I still have my flesh;)).
When I'm complaining about a person, about the way something happens, or about life in general, I am not in Christ. When I am complaining about something I am in the flesh. And I am not proud of it.
Talking about Jesus all the time does not mean that I am not acting in the flesh. I have talked about Him all the time and was the most miserable girl in the world.
I am not saying that to be in Christ, I must be smiling and happy at all times. I am just pointing out that Christ lived a very, very difficult life and never complained.
Gratitude is taking on a new meaning as I get to know my Lord. I am grateful not only for the chance to be with my kids everyday, to have a husband that loves me, and to be a part of an organic church. I am learning to be grateful for imperfect times as well. Recently I had the opportunity to get upset about something, but the Lord truly turned it around and gave me a thankful heart. Another got attention and the "glory" for an idea the Lord gave me. It took all I had to turn to Him in this, as small as it is. I wanted so bad to butt in and take credit. It was as if my flesh was itching and getting the attention or credit for it was the only relief. Christ was my relief. I know it sounds cliche', but He actually calmed me and led me to gratitude. I am in awe of Him because He was actually speaking through me when I shared the idea! If I would have gotten upset I would have missed out on the greater revelation that Christ is alive in me and speaking through me!
Last night I was able to go to the latter end of a church planning meeting. It was a beautiful expression of Christ as always and as I looked through the Lord's eyes I saw our differences as a good thing. I became extremely thankful and grateful for the Saints in the room. I was truly grateful for every idea and personality. Normally I would be critiquing all of it due to the perfectionism, but I don't know that I saw any imperfection. The meeting may have been moving too quickly for some, too slowly for others, the words spoken may not have been spiritual enough, or too spiritual, but I never saw any of it. Because the Lord never saw any of that. He saw a room of people gathered together to seek His mind.
The impression on my heart lately to to simply cherish the life, the gift, that I am living.
Today is spring cleaning day in my home. I have my husband home to help with the more difficult jobs and home repairs. My kids are going to be learning new chores today in order to help me more around the house. Today I am going to have the opportunity to complain and get frustrated, but hopefully I can remain in Christ and see the blessing of it all.
Thanks for reading my blog. I don't always get to share these amazing revelations with people other than Chris so it's nice to have the space here to do so.
Love,
Jackie
Lately I am seeing a connection between gratitude and Christ. The flesh wants more, has desires of it's own, and strives to reach personal goals and agendas. Anyone who's known me for more than five minutes knows that I become disgruntled with anything less than perfection. It leaves me sad and frustrated. Because perfection is only possible when I behold Christ, looking at anything else will never satisfy me.
It's just been recently, as Christ increases in me, and in turn everything around me, that I have stopped complaining(don't hold me to it, I still have my flesh;)).
When I'm complaining about a person, about the way something happens, or about life in general, I am not in Christ. When I am complaining about something I am in the flesh. And I am not proud of it.
Talking about Jesus all the time does not mean that I am not acting in the flesh. I have talked about Him all the time and was the most miserable girl in the world.
I am not saying that to be in Christ, I must be smiling and happy at all times. I am just pointing out that Christ lived a very, very difficult life and never complained.
Gratitude is taking on a new meaning as I get to know my Lord. I am grateful not only for the chance to be with my kids everyday, to have a husband that loves me, and to be a part of an organic church. I am learning to be grateful for imperfect times as well. Recently I had the opportunity to get upset about something, but the Lord truly turned it around and gave me a thankful heart. Another got attention and the "glory" for an idea the Lord gave me. It took all I had to turn to Him in this, as small as it is. I wanted so bad to butt in and take credit. It was as if my flesh was itching and getting the attention or credit for it was the only relief. Christ was my relief. I know it sounds cliche', but He actually calmed me and led me to gratitude. I am in awe of Him because He was actually speaking through me when I shared the idea! If I would have gotten upset I would have missed out on the greater revelation that Christ is alive in me and speaking through me!
Last night I was able to go to the latter end of a church planning meeting. It was a beautiful expression of Christ as always and as I looked through the Lord's eyes I saw our differences as a good thing. I became extremely thankful and grateful for the Saints in the room. I was truly grateful for every idea and personality. Normally I would be critiquing all of it due to the perfectionism, but I don't know that I saw any imperfection. The meeting may have been moving too quickly for some, too slowly for others, the words spoken may not have been spiritual enough, or too spiritual, but I never saw any of it. Because the Lord never saw any of that. He saw a room of people gathered together to seek His mind.
The impression on my heart lately to to simply cherish the life, the gift, that I am living.
Today is spring cleaning day in my home. I have my husband home to help with the more difficult jobs and home repairs. My kids are going to be learning new chores today in order to help me more around the house. Today I am going to have the opportunity to complain and get frustrated, but hopefully I can remain in Christ and see the blessing of it all.
Thanks for reading my blog. I don't always get to share these amazing revelations with people other than Chris so it's nice to have the space here to do so.
Love,
Jackie
Monday, August 1, 2011
memior of a screw up
"Mornings. I slide my hands under the covers and take my pulse to find out if it's a good day or a bad day. Fifties, a fine and bright morning. Forites. Crap. It's going to be a bad day. Sit up slowly and head spins. Man, this is better than acid. Head swim and nausea. Pain, lots and lots of stomach and general gastro pain.
Hand on the wall, stand up. Catch myself, then go over to the mirror. Look at my butt, damn, it's still there. Dismay. Into the bathroom I go, lean my head on the wall. Pee. Stand up slowly and get ready to work out."
This was my life a very long time ago. I was anorexic and bulimic, mostly bulimic.
What most people don't know about these disorders is that after a while they do become physical illnesses. Ana and mia (anorexia and bulimia) are incredibly complex. There is no one simple description to define how one becomes eating disorder-ed.
I went to a hospital one time as a result of mine. I was taken against my will. It was the best thing that could have happened to me. The people in my life at the time realized how sick I was and I was forced to get help. I was vomiting blood. Counseling helped me tremendously during this time. I was walking with the Lord through it all and it was during my recovery from this disorder that I fell deeply in love with Him.
Something reminded me of this time. I had forgotten because it was all so long ago. I am 31 now and I was 17 when it completely took over my life. I am completely healed these days and have been for a long time.
An eating disorder usually comes on subtly for years and then progresses very quickly all of the sudden. The disorder is usually triggered by a traumatic event, such as a death; or another major life change, such as moving or going away to college. My eating disorder became serious within a year of a close friend of mine dying. I was a textbook case.
Eating disorders usually effect girls from good homes. Anorexia seems to be more common with "good" girls and bulimia more common with the "bad" girls such as myself.
An eating disorder is sometimes physically painful. At first it is a choice to not eat or to vomit. After a while it is no longer a choice. When a girl becomes "sick" with anorexia and bulimia it completely takes over the mind and body. It is no longer a series of decisions, but a compulsion.
I went through counseling with an amazing woman in my journey to get better. I learned that the normal methods of helping someone through a crisis do not help someone struggling with anorexia or bulimia. In fact, it can prolong the recovery. The sick girl becomes the center of a suddenly disfuntional family.
I am going to leave you with this. It's another exerp from a journal that I wrote long ago, the same journal I shared a piece of in the beginning of this blog.
Hopefully this entry will help someone, somewhere with something. The Lord is mysterious like that.
"Not everyone at the Home was obsessed with food. Oddly enough, my closest friends were pretty healthy. As the dead of winter set in, my friends began to worry. I ate strangely. At meals they'de say too casually, 'Jack, don't you want some?' They'd push food at me. They were concerned and tried to get me to eat more. At the salad bar I had some lettuce and tomato on my plate. A friend jokingly asked if I was going to eat 'all that food'. I put the tomato back. 'My god, you are so sick'. When people say this it proves the thesis that nobody-loves-me-everybody-hates-me, I-guess-I'll-just-eat-worms".
Hand on the wall, stand up. Catch myself, then go over to the mirror. Look at my butt, damn, it's still there. Dismay. Into the bathroom I go, lean my head on the wall. Pee. Stand up slowly and get ready to work out."
This was my life a very long time ago. I was anorexic and bulimic, mostly bulimic.
What most people don't know about these disorders is that after a while they do become physical illnesses. Ana and mia (anorexia and bulimia) are incredibly complex. There is no one simple description to define how one becomes eating disorder-ed.
I went to a hospital one time as a result of mine. I was taken against my will. It was the best thing that could have happened to me. The people in my life at the time realized how sick I was and I was forced to get help. I was vomiting blood. Counseling helped me tremendously during this time. I was walking with the Lord through it all and it was during my recovery from this disorder that I fell deeply in love with Him.
Something reminded me of this time. I had forgotten because it was all so long ago. I am 31 now and I was 17 when it completely took over my life. I am completely healed these days and have been for a long time.
An eating disorder usually comes on subtly for years and then progresses very quickly all of the sudden. The disorder is usually triggered by a traumatic event, such as a death; or another major life change, such as moving or going away to college. My eating disorder became serious within a year of a close friend of mine dying. I was a textbook case.
Eating disorders usually effect girls from good homes. Anorexia seems to be more common with "good" girls and bulimia more common with the "bad" girls such as myself.
An eating disorder is sometimes physically painful. At first it is a choice to not eat or to vomit. After a while it is no longer a choice. When a girl becomes "sick" with anorexia and bulimia it completely takes over the mind and body. It is no longer a series of decisions, but a compulsion.
I went through counseling with an amazing woman in my journey to get better. I learned that the normal methods of helping someone through a crisis do not help someone struggling with anorexia or bulimia. In fact, it can prolong the recovery. The sick girl becomes the center of a suddenly disfuntional family.
I am going to leave you with this. It's another exerp from a journal that I wrote long ago, the same journal I shared a piece of in the beginning of this blog.
Hopefully this entry will help someone, somewhere with something. The Lord is mysterious like that.
"Not everyone at the Home was obsessed with food. Oddly enough, my closest friends were pretty healthy. As the dead of winter set in, my friends began to worry. I ate strangely. At meals they'de say too casually, 'Jack, don't you want some?' They'd push food at me. They were concerned and tried to get me to eat more. At the salad bar I had some lettuce and tomato on my plate. A friend jokingly asked if I was going to eat 'all that food'. I put the tomato back. 'My god, you are so sick'. When people say this it proves the thesis that nobody-loves-me-everybody-hates-me, I-guess-I'll-just-eat-worms".
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