Last night we had some friends over. We sought the Lord together and shared Christ. By the end of the night I came to see that the "something" that was lacking in my life was Christ.
When I am not abiding in my Lord I distract myself, with homeschooling, with parenting, with housework, with anything that gives me an excuse not to think about the giant hole in my life.
I had something unexpected happen at my last doctor's appointment. I was told I had a "thing" that I'd have for the rest of my life. I was sad because I didn't want to have to struggle so much all the time for the rest of my days, but glad to know what was causing my symptoms. For the rest of that day I was calling on the Lord. I felt like a child on His lap. I knew He loved me and I wanted Him more than anything.
But the day came and went, and I was left with the diagnosis. I was upset and irritable. I stopped turning to Him because I began to feel angry and cast aside. I started feeling like life wasn't fair.
The things that were all blessings from the Lord, like homeschooling and parenting, became distractions. I distracted myself. I thought that we needed to move back to Jacksonville and find a nice church to "attend." And that way I could just blend in with everyone and not have to talk to anyone and nobody would know that I wasn't even a christian. How can I be a christian when I am not seeking Him, abiding in Him, and hearing from Him? If He lives in me, shouldn't at least one of those things be going on? The solution seems simple, right? I should just start turning to Him. I couldn't. And I can't really explain it more than that. I felt like I couldn't turn to Him. Because of everything going on, I thought He no longer wanted me or loved me.
To show the power of living in the Body of Christ, I'll expand. When I was with another person who is in Christ, I felt okay. When I was dealing with an issue that involved another person in Christ, I was able to deal with it in love, and I "knew" that I needed to be speaking and acting out of love. I did what I knew simply because I was connected to others. It was as if I was living off of the Christ in them.
I am happy to type that Christ is magnified today. In a teary filled confession that I feel like a "fake" and Christ isn't in my daily life, He became real and big. And I realized that I just went through somewhat of a dark period and the presence of Christ was gone. But now it's back. I don't have to pretend to abide in Him because I am.
And as I sat down to type a post in my Crunchy Mama blog, I thought that maybe I could actually try to write about Christ this morning. While writing about homeschooling and special diets is good, sometimes it just hides what's really going on.
Not all is perfect. Daily life still brings struggles. I still have pain. I still have all my little quirks to deal with. Just like everyone else. It will all be handled in Christ today. There is a death and a resurrection today. There are crosses today. I have the joy of the Lord today. His strength is being used to write this now.
Thanks for reading!