Okay, so it is a two blog kind of day. I am feeling a bit philosophical and can think of nothing better to do right now than write.
I am in such a cool place with the Lord. His voice is clear and soft and loud at the same time. I know it's not a common place to be because people look at me like I have 6 heads when I talk about it. It's a solemn cave. I am mournful and that's probably the best way to describe it. There are times when the flesh wants to talk and I feel the "pull back" in my spirit. This has to be maturity. Everything in me wants to correct a mistake or speak up if I know something, but I am stopped. I simply smile when those around me are quick to change something I say if they don't understand it. It makes us humans uncomfortable to see another going through something we ourselves don't understand.
Christ is too big claim any relevance on our own. It makes us feel good to know things, to accomplish goals, and to overcome obstacles. When I decided to not do any of those things for a bit, it hurt. When I decided to be wrong, especially when I thought I was right, I squirmed. I am by no means a humble soul... my flesh peeks through and I am self righteous, prideful, and argumentative. I am not talking about those times, but rather the moments when Christ is my all. When He is enough that I don't have to chime in to a conversation with my two cents. Those times are not at all what I expected.
For the longest time I didn't know that Christ was inside me. I had to live by faith because there was no other proof, if you will. Now, I am seeing, hearing, feeling, and thinking glimpses of Jesus Christ! I have proof enough for myself. He changes people and He's changing me. It took long enough.
I am truly fascinated. The will to be heard and be first is a strong one. I've lived my entire life by that will. I see most of the world living by that will. The only way I know I am being transformed is when I come face to face with those still living by the power of themselves. I have to be honest and admit that I am an extremely sensitive girl that holds grudges. It hurt me when people(usually those I don't even care about) would call me out on something I did or said that was wrong. I would look for ways to defend myself or find fault in them.
I think that the Lord created me to be so sensitive to those things so that I could see the change that was happening in myself one day. The world is a harsh place, but the perfect place to shine.
Thank you for reading.
Love,
Jackie
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
me and death
I found out yesterday a childhood friend died. Cancer. It wasn't someone I had talked to in the last 10 years, but the news still stopped me in my tracks. Some of life's most memorable moments included this kid... he will always be a kid in my memory.
All day I seemed to be untouched by little annoyances. Next to the death, nothing seemed important enough to waste time getting upset over. I was glad to hear that my friend knew the Lord and is with Him now. More than glad, it's actually a reason to rejoice. As kids we were the furthest away from Christ a person could get. It's great to know that I'm not the only one of our old group who found God.
I started thinking about the sadness that's followed each death this year. Two of my grandmas passed away within weeks of each other earlier, during the spring. It was devastating and I still find myself crying when I think about it. As a christian, I am in the painful position of dying often. The basis of my belief system is rooted in a death on a cross, then a death in myself. I have died with Christ and I share in His resurrection.
The past year a half have been a painful process as Christ has increased in my Spirit. It sounds all mystical, but it just means that I have been recognizing His voice within and listening to it, then living by it. As that's been happening, the selfish, hateful, prideful, offense ridden Jackie has been painfully dying. It has not felt good. There have been times that I wanted to scream and punch someone and choose to stay angry. There have been times that I've felt used and discarded by people that I though loved me and I couldn't hate them for it. I've wanted to cut people off, retaliate, or just hold a grudge.
One thing that isn't really talked about in the christian community is the grieving process that goes along with the death of self. To lose the walls that I have worked so hard to build my whole life is sad. Don't get me wrong, I am glad it's happening because the end result is Christ glorified. But the process doesn't feel good. Just like when the physical self dies there is sadness, grief happens in the spirit too. I have often had to take days and weeks to give myself room to deal with the changes going on. Letting go of my will to be somebody, to live apart from Christ, is the hardest thing I've ever done.
There has been a major revamping of who I am and as long as I am breathing, it will never be finished. The core of my being is Christ, but the flesh is still there. In each small opportunity to become offended, to retaliate, to be a bitch, I am faced with the choice... to live or die? To live is to follow my heart, to die is to follow Christ. Fortunately, because a major breaking of myself has happened(the core of who I am, my flesh, is broken) each decision to turn to Christ gets easier. And each time the choice to live by Christ's life is made, there is rejoicing.
All day I seemed to be untouched by little annoyances. Next to the death, nothing seemed important enough to waste time getting upset over. I was glad to hear that my friend knew the Lord and is with Him now. More than glad, it's actually a reason to rejoice. As kids we were the furthest away from Christ a person could get. It's great to know that I'm not the only one of our old group who found God.
I started thinking about the sadness that's followed each death this year. Two of my grandmas passed away within weeks of each other earlier, during the spring. It was devastating and I still find myself crying when I think about it. As a christian, I am in the painful position of dying often. The basis of my belief system is rooted in a death on a cross, then a death in myself. I have died with Christ and I share in His resurrection.
The past year a half have been a painful process as Christ has increased in my Spirit. It sounds all mystical, but it just means that I have been recognizing His voice within and listening to it, then living by it. As that's been happening, the selfish, hateful, prideful, offense ridden Jackie has been painfully dying. It has not felt good. There have been times that I wanted to scream and punch someone and choose to stay angry. There have been times that I've felt used and discarded by people that I though loved me and I couldn't hate them for it. I've wanted to cut people off, retaliate, or just hold a grudge.
One thing that isn't really talked about in the christian community is the grieving process that goes along with the death of self. To lose the walls that I have worked so hard to build my whole life is sad. Don't get me wrong, I am glad it's happening because the end result is Christ glorified. But the process doesn't feel good. Just like when the physical self dies there is sadness, grief happens in the spirit too. I have often had to take days and weeks to give myself room to deal with the changes going on. Letting go of my will to be somebody, to live apart from Christ, is the hardest thing I've ever done.
There has been a major revamping of who I am and as long as I am breathing, it will never be finished. The core of my being is Christ, but the flesh is still there. In each small opportunity to become offended, to retaliate, to be a bitch, I am faced with the choice... to live or die? To live is to follow my heart, to die is to follow Christ. Fortunately, because a major breaking of myself has happened(the core of who I am, my flesh, is broken) each decision to turn to Christ gets easier. And each time the choice to live by Christ's life is made, there is rejoicing.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
the process of death
In one of my favorite books by one of my favorite authors there sits a paragraph that defines what I am going through right now. This Brother in the Lord is writing about organic church life and the seasons that it's Saints will go through. In the beginning, everyone will be enjoying the newfound freedom and it will "feel" like they are in love with one another. After time that feeling will fade and it's only after that, that we will see we never really fell in love in the beginning... we had to climb to it.
I can attest to all of it. When Chris and I first began meeting in an organic way, we became basically new christians. We had to slough off religion and allow our spiritual instincts to come back. The new freedom created intense feelings of euphoria and we thought we were in love with everyone.
It was almost a year before something happened. Something small, but I didn't like it. It got under my flesh. It was my very first real experiece of dying. I didn't understand why God had me in this spot. I tried all I could to not feel like a victim, but I clung to righteous anger. I had my first moment of thinking I didn't belong in a group. It was a moment that I now define as the beginning of my death.
It took a while to "pull myself together" after that. I tried so hard to turn to Christ all the time. I wanted to feel those loving, happy feelings like I used to. I was sure that what I was doing was wrong. How could I feel so bad all the time? I made the mistake of thinking that I wasn't turning to Christ enough.
For 9 months it went on. The same amount of time that it takes for conception to turn into birth. For 9 months I had to turn to Christ at every corner because I felt disgruntled. Everytime I was annoyed, meetings or situations didn't go as planned, or the love of Christ wasn't top priority in my life... I had to step back. I felt the weight of the world crushing on me so many times. I knew community life wouldn't be what I expected and that was all I knew. What scared me the most was when it WAS what I expected. When normal problems that only happen in the world began to happen in my "safe place," I didn't take well to it happening. At times it felt like I was a stubborn child holding my breath until everything went smoothly.
I am happy to write that the Lord got His way. Nothing changed, absolutely nothing... if anything the problems in my life are just as bad as ever. Except that I am not annoyed. I am overjoyed at the lack of annoyance!!
Christ gave love and acceptance to the unlovable and unacceptable. Could the Christ in me do that too? It's easy to be kind to those who are kind to me. During my time of death I felt like the Lord really let me have it... I felt more alone and unliked than ever before. And that's what it took to get me to die. There are still times that I feel like a cheapshot was taken at me and I want to give a rebuttle or defend myself. I am new at this being dead thing. But in all honesty, I can write that I truly love those the Lord has put in my path. Especially those who don't give it back, and that's how I know it's the Lord loving them and not me.
I am a grudge holder by nature. I want people to "lay" in the beds they make. It's only fair, right? As I fall in love with the human race all I can see is my own wickedness and the blood that was shed to over it. If I had to pay for everything I've done I would be in jail.
Dying is a process and it takes a looong time. The fact that it was so painful to do, makes it that much more exciting now. It's neat seeing Christ in this space where selfishness and anger had taken up residence for so long.
Death means an immediate obedience. Death means letting others hurt my feelings and not hating them for it. Death means sharing what we have even if we don't think it's fair. Death means not giving up on a person in need just because they've exhausted my patience or have not lived up to my requirements. Death means I don't get to choose anything, but Christ lives out His life through me.
I have climbed to love with my christian family. They are my iron and they sharpen me. I love them without reservation. I have experienced death and now I can die daily. My life consists of dying and there is no room for self in there.
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie
p.s. spellcheck is refusing to work... please forgive my mistakes
I can attest to all of it. When Chris and I first began meeting in an organic way, we became basically new christians. We had to slough off religion and allow our spiritual instincts to come back. The new freedom created intense feelings of euphoria and we thought we were in love with everyone.
It was almost a year before something happened. Something small, but I didn't like it. It got under my flesh. It was my very first real experiece of dying. I didn't understand why God had me in this spot. I tried all I could to not feel like a victim, but I clung to righteous anger. I had my first moment of thinking I didn't belong in a group. It was a moment that I now define as the beginning of my death.
It took a while to "pull myself together" after that. I tried so hard to turn to Christ all the time. I wanted to feel those loving, happy feelings like I used to. I was sure that what I was doing was wrong. How could I feel so bad all the time? I made the mistake of thinking that I wasn't turning to Christ enough.
For 9 months it went on. The same amount of time that it takes for conception to turn into birth. For 9 months I had to turn to Christ at every corner because I felt disgruntled. Everytime I was annoyed, meetings or situations didn't go as planned, or the love of Christ wasn't top priority in my life... I had to step back. I felt the weight of the world crushing on me so many times. I knew community life wouldn't be what I expected and that was all I knew. What scared me the most was when it WAS what I expected. When normal problems that only happen in the world began to happen in my "safe place," I didn't take well to it happening. At times it felt like I was a stubborn child holding my breath until everything went smoothly.
I am happy to write that the Lord got His way. Nothing changed, absolutely nothing... if anything the problems in my life are just as bad as ever. Except that I am not annoyed. I am overjoyed at the lack of annoyance!!
Christ gave love and acceptance to the unlovable and unacceptable. Could the Christ in me do that too? It's easy to be kind to those who are kind to me. During my time of death I felt like the Lord really let me have it... I felt more alone and unliked than ever before. And that's what it took to get me to die. There are still times that I feel like a cheapshot was taken at me and I want to give a rebuttle or defend myself. I am new at this being dead thing. But in all honesty, I can write that I truly love those the Lord has put in my path. Especially those who don't give it back, and that's how I know it's the Lord loving them and not me.
I am a grudge holder by nature. I want people to "lay" in the beds they make. It's only fair, right? As I fall in love with the human race all I can see is my own wickedness and the blood that was shed to over it. If I had to pay for everything I've done I would be in jail.
Dying is a process and it takes a looong time. The fact that it was so painful to do, makes it that much more exciting now. It's neat seeing Christ in this space where selfishness and anger had taken up residence for so long.
Death means an immediate obedience. Death means letting others hurt my feelings and not hating them for it. Death means sharing what we have even if we don't think it's fair. Death means not giving up on a person in need just because they've exhausted my patience or have not lived up to my requirements. Death means I don't get to choose anything, but Christ lives out His life through me.
I have climbed to love with my christian family. They are my iron and they sharpen me. I love them without reservation. I have experienced death and now I can die daily. My life consists of dying and there is no room for self in there.
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie
p.s. spellcheck is refusing to work... please forgive my mistakes
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Taking time with Christ
The Lord doesn't put all this pressure on me. I put it on me. The Christian walk has been full of "doing" in order to gain approval. (our Internet is down and I am posting this from my phone so excuse the errors.)
A few weeks ago I began to feel the Lord's leading. I began to feel His love and grace all over my life. I thought it was wierd because I wasn't being a superstar christian. I wasn't helping everyone all the time, I had no wisdom to share, and I hadn't really had an opportunity to go to any women's functions. I was simply taking care of my kids, taking care of me for once, and taking care of my husband and home more than ever. I have been leading a very busy home life and pouring into the ones entrusted into my care. I have been getting together 2 or 3 times a week with sisters/friends in our church community. I have felt the Lord's leading at each get together. He is full and rich during that time.
I used to go to every single gathering I heard of. In order to keep God happy, I kept busy. In the last few months I have slowed down considerably. And He has increased rather than decreased. He is meshed within and is present wherever I am! I am happy to drive all over town and even out of town to share Him, but I can be just as content to find Christ at home too.
Right now I am full of joy over the presence of my Lord. He is the life source I need. And when I am in communion with Him, the problems in my life, in my family, and in my church, pale in comparison.
It's much easier to lay my life down in the presence of a King. I had gotten to a place where I couldn't stand myself anymore. Stupid comments others made would get under my skin, and I was holding onto grudges like they were lotto checks. I was so busy trying to be the Body and keep busy, that my heart was becoming filfthy. Being able to relax in Him I have to time and energy to spend with Him.
That's all for now.
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie
A few weeks ago I began to feel the Lord's leading. I began to feel His love and grace all over my life. I thought it was wierd because I wasn't being a superstar christian. I wasn't helping everyone all the time, I had no wisdom to share, and I hadn't really had an opportunity to go to any women's functions. I was simply taking care of my kids, taking care of me for once, and taking care of my husband and home more than ever. I have been leading a very busy home life and pouring into the ones entrusted into my care. I have been getting together 2 or 3 times a week with sisters/friends in our church community. I have felt the Lord's leading at each get together. He is full and rich during that time.
I used to go to every single gathering I heard of. In order to keep God happy, I kept busy. In the last few months I have slowed down considerably. And He has increased rather than decreased. He is meshed within and is present wherever I am! I am happy to drive all over town and even out of town to share Him, but I can be just as content to find Christ at home too.
Right now I am full of joy over the presence of my Lord. He is the life source I need. And when I am in communion with Him, the problems in my life, in my family, and in my church, pale in comparison.
It's much easier to lay my life down in the presence of a King. I had gotten to a place where I couldn't stand myself anymore. Stupid comments others made would get under my skin, and I was holding onto grudges like they were lotto checks. I was so busy trying to be the Body and keep busy, that my heart was becoming filfthy. Being able to relax in Him I have to time and energy to spend with Him.
That's all for now.
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie
Saturday, November 12, 2011
exporing wisdom
Wisdom and insight. They have been on my heart for no particular reason(really, it must be the Lord because I have no inspiration to think or write on wisdom.)
Different kinds of wisdom exists, but mainly human wisdom and wisdom that comes from knowing the Lord. I have been watching the Lord and how he moves in me and others. I know souls that have been blessed with the wisdom of God. I don't feel like I have much, if not any. Maybe I am not mature enough yet?
To be blessed with any wisdom from our heavenly Father seems like a prime opportunity to become arrogant. When the Lord chooses us for anything we run the risk of thinking there is something extra special about ourselves. I know I have felt pride in the past in my own abilities when it was the Lord who was working through me. I can imagine that it's hard to express wisdom and remain humble at the same time. I know Saints who are able to share a large portion of Christ while still remaining extremely humble.
His wisdom can range from knowing when to keep quiet all the way to counseling others. I have opinions, lots of them. That that kind of wisdom is no longer any good. If I ever wonder about the words coming out of my mouth I can line it up to the past... is it in line with what I know about the Lord in the scriptures? Is it in line with wisdom given by the modern day apostles? Am I telling this person what to do, or pointing them to Christ?
Lately I have been exploring earthly marriage as a picture of our heavenly marriage. The church can only love her Bride because He first laid down His life and love for her... then she loved Him in return. In an earthly marriage often the opposite is encouraged, the woman is encouraged to look at herself and see how she can change for the man in hopes that he'll love her back. That's not a picture of Christ and the church. I have seen this play out in my own marriage. As much as I tried to love him, he wasn't hearing it. Then we listened to a teaching from one of our favorite apostles that encouraged Chris to be the life blood of the home, to be the one responsible for change and to pour His love out on us. When that happened, our whole house changed. Our lives changed... because it was a picture of Christ and His bride. Now, if you are reading and disagree, that's okay. But this is not my wisdom. It has come from the Lord through an apostle.
The whole point of me talking about this was that I fought it for years. It didn't line up with my human wisdom. How could put that much responsibility on my husband? How could I let Him be the "head" supplying the life to me and the kids when I was 'just as capable?' The answer was not found in me, but in the words of a dear Sister... we, as the wives, need to lay down our lives and show patience and adoration for our husbands the same way the church does for Christ. This is radically different, even for Saints.
Sometimes the Lord's wisdom is hard to hear. Sometimes it's not popular.
The giver of the Lord's wisdom is almost always met with opposition or jealousy. The Lord won't always choose the same person to give wisdom through. Some insight is meant only for ourselves and not to share(says the blogger who shares everything that sits in my head/heart for more than a minute).
I love you guys. Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie
Different kinds of wisdom exists, but mainly human wisdom and wisdom that comes from knowing the Lord. I have been watching the Lord and how he moves in me and others. I know souls that have been blessed with the wisdom of God. I don't feel like I have much, if not any. Maybe I am not mature enough yet?
To be blessed with any wisdom from our heavenly Father seems like a prime opportunity to become arrogant. When the Lord chooses us for anything we run the risk of thinking there is something extra special about ourselves. I know I have felt pride in the past in my own abilities when it was the Lord who was working through me. I can imagine that it's hard to express wisdom and remain humble at the same time. I know Saints who are able to share a large portion of Christ while still remaining extremely humble.
His wisdom can range from knowing when to keep quiet all the way to counseling others. I have opinions, lots of them. That that kind of wisdom is no longer any good. If I ever wonder about the words coming out of my mouth I can line it up to the past... is it in line with what I know about the Lord in the scriptures? Is it in line with wisdom given by the modern day apostles? Am I telling this person what to do, or pointing them to Christ?
Lately I have been exploring earthly marriage as a picture of our heavenly marriage. The church can only love her Bride because He first laid down His life and love for her... then she loved Him in return. In an earthly marriage often the opposite is encouraged, the woman is encouraged to look at herself and see how she can change for the man in hopes that he'll love her back. That's not a picture of Christ and the church. I have seen this play out in my own marriage. As much as I tried to love him, he wasn't hearing it. Then we listened to a teaching from one of our favorite apostles that encouraged Chris to be the life blood of the home, to be the one responsible for change and to pour His love out on us. When that happened, our whole house changed. Our lives changed... because it was a picture of Christ and His bride. Now, if you are reading and disagree, that's okay. But this is not my wisdom. It has come from the Lord through an apostle.
The whole point of me talking about this was that I fought it for years. It didn't line up with my human wisdom. How could put that much responsibility on my husband? How could I let Him be the "head" supplying the life to me and the kids when I was 'just as capable?' The answer was not found in me, but in the words of a dear Sister... we, as the wives, need to lay down our lives and show patience and adoration for our husbands the same way the church does for Christ. This is radically different, even for Saints.
Sometimes the Lord's wisdom is hard to hear. Sometimes it's not popular.
The giver of the Lord's wisdom is almost always met with opposition or jealousy. The Lord won't always choose the same person to give wisdom through. Some insight is meant only for ourselves and not to share(says the blogger who shares everything that sits in my head/heart for more than a minute).
I love you guys. Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie
Friday, November 11, 2011
organic church life lessons
Chris and I have been meeting under the headship of Christ in an organic way for 16 months now. It looks nothing at all like I expected. There have been several experiences I would love to blog about, but none have really grabbed me enough to write a whole page. So I am going to make a page about important lessons and revelations Christ has shown me as the Head and as the Body. For those of you not familiar with the lingo: as the Head means Christ as my Saviour and the rule He has over my life. As the body refers to the Christ I find within my Brothers and Sisters.
Number one: I am a new christian again and will be considered "new" for the first 15 years of meeting this way. There are ranks in every community setting, especially ones that involve religion. Just look at the modern day pastoral office. In organic church there aren't ranks. There is 'new' and 'not new.' When I first started meeting with this group I was so hungry for Christ. I didn't take it for granted the way I do sometimes now. In my new-ness I looked upon the Saints that had been meeting this way for 9 months as super-Saints. I thought that when I got to that point, I would know it all. It hit me the other day that I am a newbie and will be for a long time. And I am a-okay with that.
Number two: I am suspicious of those who claim to walk with Christ, but don't offer Him... or worse, offer something other than Him. As long as someone was Christian I soaked in every word he or she offered. Unfortunately, I was not given the gift of giving advice. I have rarely felt the Lord give advice through me. And anyone who knows me knows that I do not offer up any of my own advice. Even my best human wisdom is flawed. I am aware of just how little I know. Anytime I think I know enough to tell another what to do, I am probably wrong. I have been on the receiving end of human wisdom and the Lord used the experiences to teach me to listen to Him only(that includes Him in others too.)
Number three: God uses all things for good. Even what I think is stupid. Even when I feel like we're wasting time or making mistakes... He uses that. Sometimes I have wondered if maybe I am lacking a little Christ in me. I feel that Christ as the body gets stale or a little boring. A few weeks ago it hit me that IT'S NOT ABOUT ME. It may be boring to me. I may not "sense" the Holy Spirit at certain functions or meetings, but that doesn't mean that His will isn't being done. There are those that need to do whatever it is we are doing and we all need to support each other.
Number four: I am so aware that I don't know anything that by the time I hit "publish" I know that the Lord will reveal where I was wrong on all 4 points.
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie
Number one: I am a new christian again and will be considered "new" for the first 15 years of meeting this way. There are ranks in every community setting, especially ones that involve religion. Just look at the modern day pastoral office. In organic church there aren't ranks. There is 'new' and 'not new.' When I first started meeting with this group I was so hungry for Christ. I didn't take it for granted the way I do sometimes now. In my new-ness I looked upon the Saints that had been meeting this way for 9 months as super-Saints. I thought that when I got to that point, I would know it all. It hit me the other day that I am a newbie and will be for a long time. And I am a-okay with that.
Number two: I am suspicious of those who claim to walk with Christ, but don't offer Him... or worse, offer something other than Him. As long as someone was Christian I soaked in every word he or she offered. Unfortunately, I was not given the gift of giving advice. I have rarely felt the Lord give advice through me. And anyone who knows me knows that I do not offer up any of my own advice. Even my best human wisdom is flawed. I am aware of just how little I know. Anytime I think I know enough to tell another what to do, I am probably wrong. I have been on the receiving end of human wisdom and the Lord used the experiences to teach me to listen to Him only(that includes Him in others too.)
Number three: God uses all things for good. Even what I think is stupid. Even when I feel like we're wasting time or making mistakes... He uses that. Sometimes I have wondered if maybe I am lacking a little Christ in me. I feel that Christ as the body gets stale or a little boring. A few weeks ago it hit me that IT'S NOT ABOUT ME. It may be boring to me. I may not "sense" the Holy Spirit at certain functions or meetings, but that doesn't mean that His will isn't being done. There are those that need to do whatever it is we are doing and we all need to support each other.
Number four: I am so aware that I don't know anything that by the time I hit "publish" I know that the Lord will reveal where I was wrong on all 4 points.
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie
manners
Manners and etiquette is a lingering topic in my head right now. Yesterday I was searching my rolodex of scripture stored away in the head trying to see if Christ ever talked about such a thing. Then last night in my homeschool group I meet a woman(a really sweet retired teacher) that teaches etiquette classes. She teaches eating etiquette as well as appearance and basic manners. I was fascinated by how graceful she was and how peaceful I felt being around her. And right then it was clear that manners are so much more than which fork to eat with which course.
Manners are a series of intentional behaviors that de-alienate one in a social setting. Manners are behaving in a way that puts others at ease. From there I have thought about why I practice manners and it's usually to make others feel comfortable while around me. It's done out of goodness and love(most times) so therefore it's got to be Christ.
In thinking about chances I've had to show manners or show whatever the other option is, I realized that Christ play a part in those decisions. There ar times that I have been faced with a dilemma and a chance to show manners. Here's a metaphorical example of what I'm talking about... I had plans to spend time with a friend, having diner at her home. Another friend asked me to come spend time her. I really wanted to, but I knew I would have to lie to get out of the first dinner date. I couldn't just say "I am not coming to your home for dinner because I am going to spend time with someone I like better." It would be the truth and it would really hurt friend #1. So my options were to lie, or to tell the truth and hurt friend #1's feelings, or... show integrity and ultimate manners and keep the dinner date I said I would go to. I recently was put in a similar spot. It was then that it occurred to me if I have to lie or hurt some one's feelings to benefit myself, it's bad manners.
Then there are personality conflicts that make it hard to show manners. Being a shy, quiet person, it can be easy to ignore others. My kids struggle with that, especially the younger ones. An adult will ask them a question and I need to prompt them to reply. I know it's just shyness on their part, but it seems really rude to others.
Having bad manners goes way beyond not saying "please" or "thank you." Having bad manners can hurt people's feelings. Christ showed impeccable manners.
I have noticed that those with good manners are very forgiving as well. It's not polite to point out one's flaws. That's Christ for sure. It is polite to look past each other's flaws.
Christ invented manners. He is manners. We have taken the act of putting other's feelings and comfort level above our own and we have named it "manners."
Manners are a series of intentional behaviors that de-alienate one in a social setting. Manners are behaving in a way that puts others at ease. From there I have thought about why I practice manners and it's usually to make others feel comfortable while around me. It's done out of goodness and love(most times) so therefore it's got to be Christ.
In thinking about chances I've had to show manners or show whatever the other option is, I realized that Christ play a part in those decisions. There ar times that I have been faced with a dilemma and a chance to show manners. Here's a metaphorical example of what I'm talking about... I had plans to spend time with a friend, having diner at her home. Another friend asked me to come spend time her. I really wanted to, but I knew I would have to lie to get out of the first dinner date. I couldn't just say "I am not coming to your home for dinner because I am going to spend time with someone I like better." It would be the truth and it would really hurt friend #1. So my options were to lie, or to tell the truth and hurt friend #1's feelings, or... show integrity and ultimate manners and keep the dinner date I said I would go to. I recently was put in a similar spot. It was then that it occurred to me if I have to lie or hurt some one's feelings to benefit myself, it's bad manners.
Then there are personality conflicts that make it hard to show manners. Being a shy, quiet person, it can be easy to ignore others. My kids struggle with that, especially the younger ones. An adult will ask them a question and I need to prompt them to reply. I know it's just shyness on their part, but it seems really rude to others.
Having bad manners goes way beyond not saying "please" or "thank you." Having bad manners can hurt people's feelings. Christ showed impeccable manners.
I have noticed that those with good manners are very forgiving as well. It's not polite to point out one's flaws. That's Christ for sure. It is polite to look past each other's flaws.
Christ invented manners. He is manners. We have taken the act of putting other's feelings and comfort level above our own and we have named it "manners."
Monday, November 7, 2011
itchy memories
Yesterday morning I noticed a strange rash on both my arms. We were in the car on our way to the mud run(a race that requires crawling through the mud). I broke out in hives and it was itching me like crazy. I didn't think much of it at the time, but we happened to be talking about the hubby's aneurysm.
Last night things were going great. Chris and I have been getting along fabulously since the cruise, but then we started talking about our past. It really got me down. Even though we were noticing how the Lord has changed us for the better, just thinking about how awful life once was made me sick to my stomach. The hives came back.
Today was a good day. We started off the school week strong, burned 770 calories at the gym, and got quality time with the Littlest Thing. Throughout the day I kept noticing the date. 11/7/11... this was the day three years ago that we arrived in St. Augustine for the wedding I was in. I was a bridesmaid. I was happy to be out of town and with others. I couldn't stand my husband anymore. Actually, I borderline hated him.
So as I was making dinner I started thinking about that day three years ago. Right before the aneurysm. And then it hit me as I scratched my unbelievably itchy arm with a fork, my body was reacting to the memories.
And last night as Chris and I talked about our "beginning" as a couple I was scared and my body let me know that something bad was happening. There was a time that I couldn't even think about the early morning of 11/9/08 without having a full blown panic attack. I have gotten very good at controlling my breathing and being aware of my surroundings when the anxiety pops up, but my physical self can't be fooled.
I am not so foolish to think that we are out of the woods forever. I hope that the lessons we learned that night will keep us grounded and remind us to lay our lives down continually. But it's only been a few years. The night of his injury was traumatic. I walked in on him seconds after the aneurysm in his neck burst. I saw dead eyes when I lifted his eyelids and screamed for help. I watched others breathe for him until an ambulance could get there. Just minutes before that I was in trouble myself, screaming for help. Screaming for someone to come to my rescue. And now here I was calling for help for Chris. I thought that he was going to die because he probably should have. We were out of control people behaving like children. We were throwing away our lives because we were in pain and knew no other way to relieve it.
Not everyone gets a second chance. I know that it was the Lord who helped us put our new lives back together. If He did not choose for us to stay together, we wouldn't have. If Chris didn't turn to the Lord and change his behaviour and if the Lord didn't give me the heart to forgive, we would not have been able to stay together.
No one in our lives knew what was going to happen to us. We didn't know ourselves. If I could have seen a picture of our lives and our marriage today, I would not have believed it. Today I am completely in love beyond description. My husband is the biggest picture of Christ I have seen. Once in a while we go through a hard time and we fight a lot. I have found that it comes from old thoughts sneaking up on me. Also not seeing each other. He works a few hours away and has to go to bed much earlier than me to get there. I get stressed from being a single mom during the week. When we do things together, we begin getting along.
In 2 days we celebrate an anniversary. More important than the regular marriage date one. It's the anniversary of the nightmare that was beyond anything that I could have dreamt up myself, and it was simply a vehicle for Christ to show Himself. It is the day we celebrate our life together that we came very close to NOT having. It's the anniversary of the most awful and the best thing that ever happened to me. If Chris would have died that night I never would have gotten to know the beautiful human being he was. I never would have gotten to know Christ as my life giving, redeeming, magnificently powerful Hero. Christ performed a miracle three years ago. I hope I never take for granted the life He gave back to us.
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie
Last night things were going great. Chris and I have been getting along fabulously since the cruise, but then we started talking about our past. It really got me down. Even though we were noticing how the Lord has changed us for the better, just thinking about how awful life once was made me sick to my stomach. The hives came back.
Today was a good day. We started off the school week strong, burned 770 calories at the gym, and got quality time with the Littlest Thing. Throughout the day I kept noticing the date. 11/7/11... this was the day three years ago that we arrived in St. Augustine for the wedding I was in. I was a bridesmaid. I was happy to be out of town and with others. I couldn't stand my husband anymore. Actually, I borderline hated him.
So as I was making dinner I started thinking about that day three years ago. Right before the aneurysm. And then it hit me as I scratched my unbelievably itchy arm with a fork, my body was reacting to the memories.
And last night as Chris and I talked about our "beginning" as a couple I was scared and my body let me know that something bad was happening. There was a time that I couldn't even think about the early morning of 11/9/08 without having a full blown panic attack. I have gotten very good at controlling my breathing and being aware of my surroundings when the anxiety pops up, but my physical self can't be fooled.
I am not so foolish to think that we are out of the woods forever. I hope that the lessons we learned that night will keep us grounded and remind us to lay our lives down continually. But it's only been a few years. The night of his injury was traumatic. I walked in on him seconds after the aneurysm in his neck burst. I saw dead eyes when I lifted his eyelids and screamed for help. I watched others breathe for him until an ambulance could get there. Just minutes before that I was in trouble myself, screaming for help. Screaming for someone to come to my rescue. And now here I was calling for help for Chris. I thought that he was going to die because he probably should have. We were out of control people behaving like children. We were throwing away our lives because we were in pain and knew no other way to relieve it.
Not everyone gets a second chance. I know that it was the Lord who helped us put our new lives back together. If He did not choose for us to stay together, we wouldn't have. If Chris didn't turn to the Lord and change his behaviour and if the Lord didn't give me the heart to forgive, we would not have been able to stay together.
No one in our lives knew what was going to happen to us. We didn't know ourselves. If I could have seen a picture of our lives and our marriage today, I would not have believed it. Today I am completely in love beyond description. My husband is the biggest picture of Christ I have seen. Once in a while we go through a hard time and we fight a lot. I have found that it comes from old thoughts sneaking up on me. Also not seeing each other. He works a few hours away and has to go to bed much earlier than me to get there. I get stressed from being a single mom during the week. When we do things together, we begin getting along.
In 2 days we celebrate an anniversary. More important than the regular marriage date one. It's the anniversary of the nightmare that was beyond anything that I could have dreamt up myself, and it was simply a vehicle for Christ to show Himself. It is the day we celebrate our life together that we came very close to NOT having. It's the anniversary of the most awful and the best thing that ever happened to me. If Chris would have died that night I never would have gotten to know the beautiful human being he was. I never would have gotten to know Christ as my life giving, redeeming, magnificently powerful Hero. Christ performed a miracle three years ago. I hope I never take for granted the life He gave back to us.
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie
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