light on darkness

When I was seven years old, something happened in my body and in my mind that changed the way I saw the world forever. I will never forget the moment the wave of sadness covered me. It felt like a heavy blanket was being laid on top of me. In school I would write about being sad and wanting to die. My teachers were alarmed and my parents did everything they could to help me not be sad. Counselors back then didn't know much about childhood depression. It's not much different today.
About 6 months ago I woke up one day and decided that I couldn't deal with anything. I quit everything I was doing and involved in, and I laid around crying for a few weeks. And then it went away and I got better. I had no idea what had happened. Depression was something I dealt with as a child,but never in a million years thought that it followed me into adulthood.
A few weeks ago I began to feel the same strange things. My vision of life and the Lord became clouded. I couldn't see past darkness. It wasn't as if I was trying to look at the worst in people and situations, but I couldn't see the good in anything if my life depended on it. I couldn't stand being in my own skin. I was struggling to find the will to live. Even with Christ as my life, if chemicals in my head, such as serotonin, aren't getting to were they need to go I will stay "under the blanket" of sadness.
So for weeks the sadness has been lingering. And nobody knew because the only words I could get out of my mouth were that I was having a hard time and I was sad. I could never let the words "I want to die" leave my lips. And I began to hate everyone I knew because they got to have the will to live. I would see a lady driving her car down the road and think that she is so lucky because she probably feels some level of hope or joy. It happened over and over. I gained weight, started oversleeping by obnoxious amounts of time, and I was in physical pain.
I started seeing a doctor and was diagnosed with a form of depression. It is a serious kind. Most people that have this aren't able to keep friends or stable relationships. When I read that I instantly became grateful for my husband. I know he would never leave me and that's never been something I've had to worry about.
There is a stigma attached to depression, especially rapid cycling bipolar depression. I was afraid to be crazy. In the past when I would have a breakdown and all the sadness, paranoia, and pain would come crashing down on me at once, I would just leave. Better to leave than have to stay and explain what my problem was.
I have decided that I want to be healthy. I can never get rid of this, but I can learn to manage it. Counseling and medicine and professionals are here to help. I didn't want to seek help because I felt so much guilt about being alive that I didn't want to spend my family's money on counseling. I also didn't think I needed it because I had the Lord. Last week my problems became bigger than my desire to control it my way. Or control it at all.
I am going to be open and honest and never again pretend that I don't suffer with this. If you read this blog and you know me, I am still the same person. I just no longer want to hide that I have depression.
It makes me hard to get along with. It makes me paranoid and therefore, alienated. It makes me irritable, shaky and full of energy and ideas, or low and unable to leave the house. It makes me want to leave everything I know during an upswing in the cycle... including my marriage(like I said, my hubby is amazing) and run away. During a downswing I quit everything in preparation for falling off the grid.
I am blessed to have a few close friends as well as my family, that aren't afraid of my struggles. It reminds me that there is still good in the world.
I plan on taking advantage of this time and writing through it(in a private journal). Some of my best writing has come during times of darkness and recovery. Having decided that I am going to be open about this illness, I feel the weight of the world lifted. Who knows where I'll be a year from now. I just know that I'll be okay. Thanks for reading.
Love,
Jackie