Getting normal things done is really uncomfortable for me. If I have to make a phone call to request something or make an appointment I put it off because it scares me. I was the same way growing up. When my Mom or Dad would need to stop somewhere, like 7Eleven(from Jersey, remember) I would get anxiety and wait in the car. The only exception was when I was involved in institutional ministry. I thrived off of meeting and serving the homeless. There was never any hesitation there.
Now that I am a Mom there are lots of things that I have to do, especially with Thing 2 needing extra help for all things related to autism. It doesn't make it any less scary for me. If I could go through life and never have to venture outside of my schedule, my normal activities, my normal friends and family, I would be all set. But alas, appointments must be made, fittings for dresses must be done, and all kinds of out of things must be done in order to live a healthy, full life.
I'm also weird with new people. It takes me a long time to warm up to new friends or Sisters in the Lord. In my organic church group folks come to visit all the time. There have only been a few times that the Lord has allowed me to relax enough to actually spend time with them. I know that most people are excited when one more member of Christ comes along, but I get nervous. I like to take my time. I wish I were easy to get to know or that I could jump right in and make connections the first time I meet people. The most terrifying situations for me are getting into conversations that I can't get out of or for someone to think I was "lame" because I was boring to talk to. You are reading the blog of a giant people pleaser.
The cool thing is that everything I have done to improve life or everyone that makes life better was once one of those scary things. I resist the new and different. I don't like the shift of balance when a new chore or "job" is added to the day. But all of the great activities and everything I do that makes life meaningful and fulfilling began with a phone cal or an appointment.
It makes me feel uneasy when a new soul enters my life. I know and see that others usually flock to knew people. I avoid them. And then slowly, if a person begins to stick around in my life I grow to know and love them. Everyone that I am not related to was once a stranger that I avoided. And now I have people I love in my life.
I have fought this for 31 years. I have tried so hard to be different. I should be this or that, I need to be different, why can't I be a certain way?
After 3 decades I am done trying to change who I am. If the Lord wants it changed, He's in there. He'll change it. Also, maybe, my desire to stay with the familiar is just one more facet of the Lord? I know that the Lord is easy to come to, but sometimes He's not easy to get to know. Sometimes I really have to search and it feel like pulling teeth in seeking the Lord.
Maybe this part of me is like a part of the Lord. For some reason it seemed like being "this way" was a bad thing, but seeing a little something similar in the Lord lets me know that it's alright. It's not a sin, or even something to work on.
I still have to do scary things, like make phone calls. But knowing that the Lord created me to be a certain way, I don't feel like I have to fight it so much.
Thanks for reading!