chillaxin

Maybe it's the season, maybe it's a gift from the Lord, or maybe I'm manic, but right now I am happy. It happened without realizing, it slipped in through the back door while I was living my life. The other day I was noticing how calm I was beginning to feel and wasn't used to it. I actually started looking for something to be stressed about. It felt strange not being tensed up.
Something important that I'd like to note(mostly so I can remember it) is that I don't have anything major I am trying to get accomplished right now. I guess I used to be pretty pushy. It's relaxing not having an sort of agenda to carry out. A big goal of mine over the last [insert whatever amount of time here] has been to become more likable, to become worthy of notice, to get people to see the "good side" of me so they'll like me. I wanted to be thought of when others needed a friend. I wanted to push myself into being something to somebody.
Well, doing that was good and sometimes even productive,but I was stressed to the max all the time. I was wound so tight that the sound of my children laughing irritated me. I wasn't able to do it anymore. I needed to do a little more in our homeschooling and I had to cut back on everything else. So I intentionally decided that it would probably be a good thing if all my thoughts and energy went into the very practical act of parenting(which is a lot of what our homeschooling is). I know this isn't very spiritual and it would sounds a lot better if I wrote something about seeking out the Lord in my quiet time alone with Him, and searching for Him in secret places, and discovering Him again in the Word. But that's not what happened. Not to say that Christ isn't all over it though!
The simple act of releasing the desire to do more and letting go of the need to do more in order to be known and be liked, was the seed. And now I am feeling happy. I know that I am a part of my family, my church, my people that know me and love me. I am a part of those things without trying or concerning myself with my image.
I make mistakes. I put a both feet in my mouth at the same time. I say things that make me feel stupid later when I'm alone. But because I am happy and relaxed, I can find peace in knowing that it is always going to be Christ that accepts me through others. There is no need to explain or prove anything, unless I am trying to gain human attention and affection.
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie