This morning was my appointment with my pain doctor. I informed him of my decision to wean off of my medicine in an attempt to be completely free by the time we move to Gainseville. I was hoping he would offer words of encouragement, advice, and maybe even some blood pressure medicine to help.
Instead, I was offered an additional script for the narcotic that I am trying to stop taking, as well as some extra refills, and a referral to see the pain doctor at Shands in Gainesville. Devastated, discouraged, confused, and for a moment second guessing why I am going through this at all, I feel let down.
The car ride home was difficult. I kept asking myself if I was making the right decision. A heartfelt prayer and deep breathing reminded me that in my own strength it will be hard, too hard.
I am listening to my Lord in every situation these days, particularly this one. This medicine has numbed me from certain feelings. It has taken away pain as well as taken away a piece of my personality and my excitement for life that I once had. It has made me a shadow of my true self. So will it be worth the pain to live totally clear minded? We'll see, but I think so.
The last couple of months, the side effects of all the un-natural substances put into my body has been making me sick and zapping me of the energy I need to live this life to the fullest. Not only the opiates, but all the processed food, sugar, and dairy. All of it has made me feel like an eighty year old woman trapped in my skin.
Today is rough. My patience is at an all time low. I can't sit still. Every other minutes feels like I am on the verge of a heart attack. Crying does no good. The sound of myself crying irritates the crap out of me. Screaming helps, but can't do it with my little ones here. To be touched brings about an uncomfortable-ness that makes me jump out of my skin. To hold a conversation, even a short one, brings about panic attacks. Darn, this is getting hard.
Looks like I may have to slow down the weaning process for the sake of my family. My kids well being is more important than urgency I am feeling to be done with it. They are really good boys who are happy to be having "days off" from our normal routine of preschool in the am and first grade in the afternoon. They really are good kids.
I just took valerian root for the anxiety and I am going to make some Kava Kava tea to try to quiet my mind and relax my aching body.
Thanks for reading. God Bless.
He is Good,
Jackie
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