In one of my favorite books by one of my favorite authors there sits a paragraph that defines what I am going through right now. This Brother in the Lord is writing about organic church life and the seasons that it's Saints will go through. In the beginning, everyone will be enjoying the newfound freedom and it will "feel" like they are in love with one another. After time that feeling will fade and it's only after that, that we will see we never really fell in love in the beginning... we had to climb to it.
I can attest to all of it. When Chris and I first began meeting in an organic way, we became basically new christians. We had to slough off religion and allow our spiritual instincts to come back. The new freedom created intense feelings of euphoria and we thought we were in love with everyone.
It was almost a year before something happened. Something small, but I didn't like it. It got under my flesh. It was my very first real experiece of dying. I didn't understand why God had me in this spot. I tried all I could to not feel like a victim, but I clung to righteous anger. I had my first moment of thinking I didn't belong in a group. It was a moment that I now define as the beginning of my death.
It took a while to "pull myself together" after that. I tried so hard to turn to Christ all the time. I wanted to feel those loving, happy feelings like I used to. I was sure that what I was doing was wrong. How could I feel so bad all the time? I made the mistake of thinking that I wasn't turning to Christ enough.
For 9 months it went on. The same amount of time that it takes for conception to turn into birth. For 9 months I had to turn to Christ at every corner because I felt disgruntled. Everytime I was annoyed, meetings or situations didn't go as planned, or the love of Christ wasn't top priority in my life... I had to step back. I felt the weight of the world crushing on me so many times. I knew community life wouldn't be what I expected and that was all I knew. What scared me the most was when it WAS what I expected. When normal problems that only happen in the world began to happen in my "safe place," I didn't take well to it happening. At times it felt like I was a stubborn child holding my breath until everything went smoothly.
I am happy to write that the Lord got His way. Nothing changed, absolutely nothing... if anything the problems in my life are just as bad as ever. Except that I am not annoyed. I am overjoyed at the lack of annoyance!!
Christ gave love and acceptance to the unlovable and unacceptable. Could the Christ in me do that too? It's easy to be kind to those who are kind to me. During my time of death I felt like the Lord really let me have it... I felt more alone and unliked than ever before. And that's what it took to get me to die. There are still times that I feel like a cheapshot was taken at me and I want to give a rebuttle or defend myself. I am new at this being dead thing. But in all honesty, I can write that I truly love those the Lord has put in my path. Especially those who don't give it back, and that's how I know it's the Lord loving them and not me.
I am a grudge holder by nature. I want people to "lay" in the beds they make. It's only fair, right? As I fall in love with the human race all I can see is my own wickedness and the blood that was shed to over it. If I had to pay for everything I've done I would be in jail.
Dying is a process and it takes a looong time. The fact that it was so painful to do, makes it that much more exciting now. It's neat seeing Christ in this space where selfishness and anger had taken up residence for so long.
Death means an immediate obedience. Death means letting others hurt my feelings and not hating them for it. Death means sharing what we have even if we don't think it's fair. Death means not giving up on a person in need just because they've exhausted my patience or have not lived up to my requirements. Death means I don't get to choose anything, but Christ lives out His life through me.
I have climbed to love with my christian family. They are my iron and they sharpen me. I love them without reservation. I have experienced death and now I can die daily. My life consists of dying and there is no room for self in there.
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie
p.s. spellcheck is refusing to work... please forgive my mistakes
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