wednesday

The days are getting longer and the future looks bleak. I know this is a mind trick due to the lack of endorphins that I no longer produce naturally. My body is going to need a lot of time to heal and to learn to live, and love, and thrive again.
Today something amazing happened... the Lord showed up. I've been getting a little worried because it seems as though He's been MIA lately, but today He showed up.
Through pain, anxiety, and uncontrolled panic the option to go back on my medicine started looking real good to me. Fortunately, my new doc here in Gainesville is knowledgable about my condition and sympathetic to the pains of withdrawal. So I graciously accepted a few of the "helpers" he gave me to aid in my survival through all this. And once I calmed down, a new reality was revealed to me.
I have had tremedous guilt due to the fact that I can't take care of my family. The friends and family that love me have been taking care of my kids, cooking for me, and generally giving us all the support a person can possibly give. Because I can't be the mom and wife and friend and daughter to the people I love, I really want to get better. I hate being the one that needs to be taken care of. I love to nurture and to love on others. I have been feeling shame and guilt that my physical dependence on this drug is preventing me from doing that. And I hate being a burden even though no one has done or said anything to make me think I have been. It doesn't help matters that I am in a never ending nightmare that is showing no signs of easing up. How long will life be pointless?
The revelation...
Today I realized that I am more than my current situation. I, as a single adult person, no longer exist. The Lord is where my identity resides. I have known this for a while, but today I got it on a whole 'nother level. My lack of cleaning, cooking, and mothering right now do not make me a loser despite what I've been telling myself. My identity is in Christ alone. I am doing this for His purposes and for His glory. In that, the smaller things that used to be so important, now have nothing to do with who I am. I am a good mom because I want Christ above all things. It has nothing to do with how well I "take care" of the little ones right now.
I am still suffering through the shaking, chills, pain, panic attacks, and insomnia, but my new doctor has given me some tools to help with those things and so I am hoping that they will relieve me as my body goes through the final waves of withdrawal. I am looking forward to living again. Slow at first, but eventually as a whole person.
Thank you for reading.
Love,
Jackie