freedom

Day 5. It has been 5 days now since I dropped a piece of myself, for good. It is all a part of the dying process... dying so that Christ may live. A while back I weaned myself down off of 12mg of my very potent, very addictive pain medicine. I was able to get all the way down to 4 mg. In that time I did cleanse after cleanse, began eating organic and gluten free, and exercised almost every day. Five days ago I woke up and dosed. It was Friday. All day long I managed to prepare for the long weeks ahead and spend some final moments with my kids before my husband took over as the full time parent.
An opiate withdrawal is a frightening trip. What the physical body goes through is nothing compared to the journey the mind takes. Beginning the trip was liken to entering a dark cave. A woman I met a long time ago told me about the time she was being driven over the bridge to begin her stint at Rikers Island(prison in NY) after being sentenced. The dread she described, as she made her way there, is very similar to dread I feel as I begin a kick. This will by the umteepth time and it never gets any more comfortable. As a kid I went through heroin withdrawal more times than I care to remember. Those were, by far, the darkest days of my life.
And now here I am again as a responsible member of society, as a wife and a homemaker, going through it.
This time has been easier and I have been thinking hard about the reasons why. This time has been easier mentally. I was gearing up for hell on earth and it is just a really, really hard week.
I thank God for that.
I thank Him constantly and I know that Christ is bearing the worst of it in my place. I know He is because I could never have made it to day 5 on my own. This medicine that I was on is a long-term synthetic opioid. What that means is that the medicine binds to the pleasure causing receptors in my brain with a high affinity... lasting much longer than short acting opiates, like heroin or oxycontin for example. The withdrawal, as a result, is harder and much longer. That is why I was on the drug much longer than I wanted to be. I was terrified of this week that I am in right now. So I thought it would be a miracle to be five days away from the almighty O.
And now, it is real. I am actually going to be a person that does not take chronic pain medication. That was such a huge part of me and now that part is dying. Dying is a painful process, but Christ is truly delivering me from the worst of it.
I will try to write more as the days go by.
Love,
Jackie