the weekend

Guilt, anxiety, feelings of uneasiness are all things that I deal with. I know others do too, but I will only speak of and for myself in this one.
As you know I got off my pain meds after being on them for years. In addition to keeping me mostly pain-free, they also helped me handle stress... better than I do now anyway. I wish I could say that I am happy to be off my medicine, that life has gotten so much better, and that it was the best decision I ever made. Unfortunately, now in addition to being in pain sometimes I find that I can't handle stress at all. Two weeks after my last pill my grandma Marion died. Two weeks after that my grand mom Peggy(who was so much more than just my grand mom to me) died. Then the panic attacks. Then thoughts of needing my medicine because I thought the Lord wasn't helping me fast enough.
My husband and I got to talk a lot this weekend. It was nice having time with him. I also got to speak with others who have been in my spot before. It's comforting to know I'm not alone in my first year off this medicine. It seems like life that I used to handle so easily is now overwhelming me.
There are 2 things in my life that the Lord has led me to do. All the other decisions were based on my needs, wants or what I thought I should be doing, but there are two very clear convictions in my heart from the Lord: organic church and how I parent(homeschooling my kids is at the heart of how I parent). So, with this in mind everything needs to center around Christ. And the two things that need to be in my life at this point are body life and bringing up my kids in the Lord in the very specific way He has impressed on me. Both equally important although at times one or the other can take up more time. Again, I know this is only for me. I am not so dense to think that what He's put in my heart is best for everyone. Thinking that that would be judgemental at best.
All the pressure in my life outside of these two things are all extra. They can be eliminated. The pressure to pretend like I am not in a lot of pain when I am... is extra. The pressure to have friends and have a social life... is extra. The pressure to keep up on housework and cleaning... is extra. The pressure to lose weight... is extra. The pressure have a great life so soon after getting off the meds... will cause me to go back on them. I went straight from a traumatise incident(hubby's aneurysm) into my meds and numbed myself for years. Trying to ignore the fact that I am not going to be able to do the things I used to do, will cause a breakdown. Trying to keep up with the pace of a normal person will cause anyone in my shoes to fall.
A great friend who is also a fellow Saint talked to me this weekend about relaxing. Both my husband and this friend are somewhat "forcing" me to take it easy. My husband is actually putting his foot down in making me take time for myself once a week while he hires a caregiver for the kids. They encouraged me to start saying no to things that are overwhelming and that are too hard right now. I didn't give myself any time at all to heal. I did the physical detox and then ignored all the signs of being unwell in my spirit and my soul. I need time with the Body sharing Christ and I also need to be as involved with my children as the Lord directs me to. Everything else is going to have to take a break so that I can be whole and well and healthy again.
It's funny. I thought that in taking time for myself I was being selfish. I knew that the Lord directed others to do so. He even called Brother Paul out into the wilderness for a few years by himself, before going to establish churches. But as for me, I was never one to take a break and rest in Him. I would think that I was resting as I did the dishes. Honestly, I thought that if I got to do one thing at a time, instead of multi-tasking, that I was resting. Now, He is truly calling me to rest in Him as if it were my job. I need to learn who I am in Him. The Saint I mentioned earlier asked me what my perfect day would be. You know, for the life of me I could not come up with anything. I have no idea what I like or what I like to do. To get real honest here, at this moment my perfect day would be a medicated one so I wouldn't have abdominal pain or anxiety. Beyond that I have never felt worthy of doing anything I enjoy.
Being with a hotel full of Saints does something for the soul. It brings me back to Christ and makes me fall in love with His body all over again. I didn't get together with others too much after the sessions, but I am beginning to discover that I can only do what I am capable of and handle only what the Lord is putting on my plate and not feel guilty about the rest. Christ is all and is in all.
Thanks for reading.
Love,
Jackie