Something amazing is happening... Christ is being magnified in everything on earth. Everything I see, do, and listen to cries out for Him. Christ is just too big to ever describe in a blog, book, or even a lifetime, so I will focus on His amazing mercy in this one.
I always thought that the God of the old testament was too good and too perfect to show mercy. He is perfection so how can He lower Himself to do something such as forgive? Well, first I am coming to see that Christ is one with His Father. So the fact that the mystery was not even revealed yet in the old testament means nothing. Christ was Christ before He was even born. We had forgiveness and reconciliation. Those two things have been wrapped up in Him before we were brought to life.
Second, the nature of our Lord is Love. Love sets the standard for perfection. God is Love and Love is God. And who is Love not to forgive?
Often times in my past I assumed that it was the Lord condemning me when in fact I was condemning myself. Christ, Perfect Love, has hidden me inside of Himself.
There have been a lot of things weighing heavy on my heart lately. Things that in the earthly life are serious, but to the Lord are very small.
Now, I had always been taught that my problems are very important to the Lord. No prayer is too small. The Lord will hear and answer my prayers...
Hogwash. Christ is the answer to prayer. He Himself has said that He is the way to forgiveness, life, and the Father. Not a prayer of salvation, not a daily bible reading or prayer, and not even a Sunday service. Jesus Christ has given us Himself and He is enough.
In beholding Him and recognizing the heavenly places that we are seating with Him in right now, I understand that my problems are but an illusion. Christ is a reality and this life is the shadow.
I have heard things like this said before, but thought that it didn't change anything. I still have pain, grief, and need help. So I prayed for help for them. Sometimes the problems went away and sometimes they didn't. Then this shift in mercy came.
Christ becomes everything. And the problems are kinda' there, but kinda' not. Next to Christ's glory and splendor, the problems are small enough to vanish. They are still there in the earthly sense, except that now I am next to Him and so they are insignificant. The only time the physical pain and other issues become important is when I forget who I am and where I am seated.
So I no longer "pray for" anything other than Christ. Jesus is the answer to every single question, prayer, and problem on heaven and earth so why pray for anything other than Him.
Thanks for letting me share,
Jackie
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Monday, July 18, 2011
the weekend
Guilt, anxiety, feelings of uneasiness are all things that I deal with. I know others do too, but I will only speak of and for myself in this one.
As you know I got off my pain meds after being on them for years. In addition to keeping me mostly pain-free, they also helped me handle stress... better than I do now anyway. I wish I could say that I am happy to be off my medicine, that life has gotten so much better, and that it was the best decision I ever made. Unfortunately, now in addition to being in pain sometimes I find that I can't handle stress at all. Two weeks after my last pill my grandma Marion died. Two weeks after that my grand mom Peggy(who was so much more than just my grand mom to me) died. Then the panic attacks. Then thoughts of needing my medicine because I thought the Lord wasn't helping me fast enough.
My husband and I got to talk a lot this weekend. It was nice having time with him. I also got to speak with others who have been in my spot before. It's comforting to know I'm not alone in my first year off this medicine. It seems like life that I used to handle so easily is now overwhelming me.
There are 2 things in my life that the Lord has led me to do. All the other decisions were based on my needs, wants or what I thought I should be doing, but there are two very clear convictions in my heart from the Lord: organic church and how I parent(homeschooling my kids is at the heart of how I parent). So, with this in mind everything needs to center around Christ. And the two things that need to be in my life at this point are body life and bringing up my kids in the Lord in the very specific way He has impressed on me. Both equally important although at times one or the other can take up more time. Again, I know this is only for me. I am not so dense to think that what He's put in my heart is best for everyone. Thinking that that would be judgemental at best.
All the pressure in my life outside of these two things are all extra. They can be eliminated. The pressure to pretend like I am not in a lot of pain when I am... is extra. The pressure to have friends and have a social life... is extra. The pressure to keep up on housework and cleaning... is extra. The pressure to lose weight... is extra. The pressure have a great life so soon after getting off the meds... will cause me to go back on them. I went straight from a traumatise incident(hubby's aneurysm) into my meds and numbed myself for years. Trying to ignore the fact that I am not going to be able to do the things I used to do, will cause a breakdown. Trying to keep up with the pace of a normal person will cause anyone in my shoes to fall.
A great friend who is also a fellow Saint talked to me this weekend about relaxing. Both my husband and this friend are somewhat "forcing" me to take it easy. My husband is actually putting his foot down in making me take time for myself once a week while he hires a caregiver for the kids. They encouraged me to start saying no to things that are overwhelming and that are too hard right now. I didn't give myself any time at all to heal. I did the physical detox and then ignored all the signs of being unwell in my spirit and my soul. I need time with the Body sharing Christ and I also need to be as involved with my children as the Lord directs me to. Everything else is going to have to take a break so that I can be whole and well and healthy again.
It's funny. I thought that in taking time for myself I was being selfish. I knew that the Lord directed others to do so. He even called Brother Paul out into the wilderness for a few years by himself, before going to establish churches. But as for me, I was never one to take a break and rest in Him. I would think that I was resting as I did the dishes. Honestly, I thought that if I got to do one thing at a time, instead of multi-tasking, that I was resting. Now, He is truly calling me to rest in Him as if it were my job. I need to learn who I am in Him. The Saint I mentioned earlier asked me what my perfect day would be. You know, for the life of me I could not come up with anything. I have no idea what I like or what I like to do. To get real honest here, at this moment my perfect day would be a medicated one so I wouldn't have abdominal pain or anxiety. Beyond that I have never felt worthy of doing anything I enjoy.
Being with a hotel full of Saints does something for the soul. It brings me back to Christ and makes me fall in love with His body all over again. I didn't get together with others too much after the sessions, but I am beginning to discover that I can only do what I am capable of and handle only what the Lord is putting on my plate and not feel guilty about the rest. Christ is all and is in all.
Thanks for reading.
Love,
Jackie
As you know I got off my pain meds after being on them for years. In addition to keeping me mostly pain-free, they also helped me handle stress... better than I do now anyway. I wish I could say that I am happy to be off my medicine, that life has gotten so much better, and that it was the best decision I ever made. Unfortunately, now in addition to being in pain sometimes I find that I can't handle stress at all. Two weeks after my last pill my grandma Marion died. Two weeks after that my grand mom Peggy(who was so much more than just my grand mom to me) died. Then the panic attacks. Then thoughts of needing my medicine because I thought the Lord wasn't helping me fast enough.
My husband and I got to talk a lot this weekend. It was nice having time with him. I also got to speak with others who have been in my spot before. It's comforting to know I'm not alone in my first year off this medicine. It seems like life that I used to handle so easily is now overwhelming me.
There are 2 things in my life that the Lord has led me to do. All the other decisions were based on my needs, wants or what I thought I should be doing, but there are two very clear convictions in my heart from the Lord: organic church and how I parent(homeschooling my kids is at the heart of how I parent). So, with this in mind everything needs to center around Christ. And the two things that need to be in my life at this point are body life and bringing up my kids in the Lord in the very specific way He has impressed on me. Both equally important although at times one or the other can take up more time. Again, I know this is only for me. I am not so dense to think that what He's put in my heart is best for everyone. Thinking that that would be judgemental at best.
All the pressure in my life outside of these two things are all extra. They can be eliminated. The pressure to pretend like I am not in a lot of pain when I am... is extra. The pressure to have friends and have a social life... is extra. The pressure to keep up on housework and cleaning... is extra. The pressure to lose weight... is extra. The pressure have a great life so soon after getting off the meds... will cause me to go back on them. I went straight from a traumatise incident(hubby's aneurysm) into my meds and numbed myself for years. Trying to ignore the fact that I am not going to be able to do the things I used to do, will cause a breakdown. Trying to keep up with the pace of a normal person will cause anyone in my shoes to fall.
A great friend who is also a fellow Saint talked to me this weekend about relaxing. Both my husband and this friend are somewhat "forcing" me to take it easy. My husband is actually putting his foot down in making me take time for myself once a week while he hires a caregiver for the kids. They encouraged me to start saying no to things that are overwhelming and that are too hard right now. I didn't give myself any time at all to heal. I did the physical detox and then ignored all the signs of being unwell in my spirit and my soul. I need time with the Body sharing Christ and I also need to be as involved with my children as the Lord directs me to. Everything else is going to have to take a break so that I can be whole and well and healthy again.
It's funny. I thought that in taking time for myself I was being selfish. I knew that the Lord directed others to do so. He even called Brother Paul out into the wilderness for a few years by himself, before going to establish churches. But as for me, I was never one to take a break and rest in Him. I would think that I was resting as I did the dishes. Honestly, I thought that if I got to do one thing at a time, instead of multi-tasking, that I was resting. Now, He is truly calling me to rest in Him as if it were my job. I need to learn who I am in Him. The Saint I mentioned earlier asked me what my perfect day would be. You know, for the life of me I could not come up with anything. I have no idea what I like or what I like to do. To get real honest here, at this moment my perfect day would be a medicated one so I wouldn't have abdominal pain or anxiety. Beyond that I have never felt worthy of doing anything I enjoy.
Being with a hotel full of Saints does something for the soul. It brings me back to Christ and makes me fall in love with His body all over again. I didn't get together with others too much after the sessions, but I am beginning to discover that I can only do what I am capable of and handle only what the Lord is putting on my plate and not feel guilty about the rest. Christ is all and is in all.
Thanks for reading.
Love,
Jackie
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
best break
Our family home schools. I thoroughly enjoy it and my children say they do too. It's not necessarily something we "do" between certain hours of each weekday, but rather more of a lifestyle. This coming year we are putting one of our young children into public school. It is mandatory he attends this school in order to get the speech therapy he needs 3 times a week. When he no longer needs the therapy, he'll be home with the rest of us. While he is in school we are still going to have our more cultural activities(art, music, poetry, nature, bible/history, science) in the afternoon so he can join in. I will still consider him a home schooled child because he will be learning most everything at home still.
We are not 'seasoned' hs'ers by any means, but we are no longer quite so new at it either. This coming school year will be our fourth. And in three years we have never taken an official break, like summer break, until this year. We are just starting back up into doing designated learning activities and writing after taking about a month off. We never stopped reading, science, and some geography only because it happened to a be a part of our daily lives anyway. What I learned during this time is that breaks are important. Even breaks from good things. It's good to feel a sense of relief from pressure to accomplish something. It's good for the kids to have a day so filled with relaxing and lazy-ness that they never end up getting dressed. It's healthy for me, mom, to have a break so that I can have the time to be inspired about our future plans, so that I can remember why we are doing this in the first place, so that I never get so burned out that I put my boys in school before the Lord gives me the "go ahead" to do so.
Something else that I have learned is that the curriculum I choose is not as important as the time I spend with them. There are methods galore to choose from and I have tried many. We spend thousands of dollars every year trying new things and building up our hs library. And while I value and treasure each tool I have for teaching/learning, none of it gets my kids going the way just spending time with them does. I have come to see that with a well planned, written out year, I could home school for free at the library and use the nature park and my kitchen as a science lab and learn just as much. Don't tell my husband. I see our years getting cheaper and cheaper as I discover what's really important in our journey.
Now, just because I said I could do it for free doesn't mean that it would be easy, so I am grateful for the many curriculums that I've learned so much from. Trying out different styles and mixing them together has shown me what I like and what won't work in our house. We have found that literature based(Charlotte Mason/Montessori method) curriculum with some unit studies thrown in there is best for us. Teaching with an idea in mind about what the Lord showed me our days should look like, led us to these types of books. I began with a very structured and well written curriculum called A Beka. It was school, only done at home. It was exactly what I needed to get me started. I needed a curriculum that was familiar to me(I went to public school) and that would help me gain confidence in my home school abilities. We began to look at homeschooling as chore using these books so that was what told me I needed to move on to something a little less structured and a lot more natural and free. We need lots of wiggle room for the extra learning opportunities that pop up in everyday life!
As we ease back into the organized, official days of homeschooling I am more excited and alive than ever! I am so grateful for the chance in life to do this. I am thankful that I get to be a mommy and I have been given the desire and tools to home school. I don't forget that these days are gifts from the Lord. I know that in the school year coming up I will face the days that make me question if we should go on, but as in life, the valleys make the mountains so much taller! It's the ups and downs that create life and I've learned more from the lows than the highs. Off to spend some time with my kids... happy homeschooling!
Thanks for reading!
We are not 'seasoned' hs'ers by any means, but we are no longer quite so new at it either. This coming school year will be our fourth. And in three years we have never taken an official break, like summer break, until this year. We are just starting back up into doing designated learning activities and writing after taking about a month off. We never stopped reading, science, and some geography only because it happened to a be a part of our daily lives anyway. What I learned during this time is that breaks are important. Even breaks from good things. It's good to feel a sense of relief from pressure to accomplish something. It's good for the kids to have a day so filled with relaxing and lazy-ness that they never end up getting dressed. It's healthy for me, mom, to have a break so that I can have the time to be inspired about our future plans, so that I can remember why we are doing this in the first place, so that I never get so burned out that I put my boys in school before the Lord gives me the "go ahead" to do so.
Something else that I have learned is that the curriculum I choose is not as important as the time I spend with them. There are methods galore to choose from and I have tried many. We spend thousands of dollars every year trying new things and building up our hs library. And while I value and treasure each tool I have for teaching/learning, none of it gets my kids going the way just spending time with them does. I have come to see that with a well planned, written out year, I could home school for free at the library and use the nature park and my kitchen as a science lab and learn just as much. Don't tell my husband. I see our years getting cheaper and cheaper as I discover what's really important in our journey.
Now, just because I said I could do it for free doesn't mean that it would be easy, so I am grateful for the many curriculums that I've learned so much from. Trying out different styles and mixing them together has shown me what I like and what won't work in our house. We have found that literature based(Charlotte Mason/Montessori method) curriculum with some unit studies thrown in there is best for us. Teaching with an idea in mind about what the Lord showed me our days should look like, led us to these types of books. I began with a very structured and well written curriculum called A Beka. It was school, only done at home. It was exactly what I needed to get me started. I needed a curriculum that was familiar to me(I went to public school) and that would help me gain confidence in my home school abilities. We began to look at homeschooling as chore using these books so that was what told me I needed to move on to something a little less structured and a lot more natural and free. We need lots of wiggle room for the extra learning opportunities that pop up in everyday life!
As we ease back into the organized, official days of homeschooling I am more excited and alive than ever! I am so grateful for the chance in life to do this. I am thankful that I get to be a mommy and I have been given the desire and tools to home school. I don't forget that these days are gifts from the Lord. I know that in the school year coming up I will face the days that make me question if we should go on, but as in life, the valleys make the mountains so much taller! It's the ups and downs that create life and I've learned more from the lows than the highs. Off to spend some time with my kids... happy homeschooling!
Thanks for reading!
Sunday, June 19, 2011
what I wanted to share last night....
It has been a very busy Father's Day morning here in the Dukes' household. After cooking a big breakfast and cleaning my floors and folding my laundry, my thought are becoming almost organized enough to turn into a bog. :)
I am still coming off the emotional highs and lows of last night's meeting. I was so touched by all of the Saints that shared their hearts as well as the Brother that put together a time of teaching for us all. I love how beautiful it was to watch this man pour into us the joys and lessons he's learned throughout his marriage.
I wanted to share so bad last night, but I couldn't. If I would have began speaking, the water works would have turned on. I had such a hard time keeping myself together.
I do have some thoughts on things that were shared that I would love to add on...
I definitely see that men and women have been misunderstanding each other for centuries and it doesn't stop when we get married. Something a Brother said last night hit the nail on the metaphorical head... sometimes there are big "foxes" lurking in the bushes. Something more than a power struggle or a need to win an argument. Sometimes there are real trust, safety, and practical issues that spawn these smaller arguments. These are the big ones that split families up. Cheating, addiction, violence, as well as sexual and mental abuse. Both Chris and I, having openly shared our problems with addiction, understand that at any time these problems could become real for us. When that happens, showing love and affection, as well as respect and adoration can take a form different than what we're used to it looking like. In these cases, I have seen that respect can be putting ourselves in a vulnerable position. There have been times when Chris has needed to hold a mirror up to my face. I didn't feel very loved, but it was what I needed. There have also been times where I've had to do the same to him. He can tell you first hand that he did not feel respected during these times. But the safety of our children and of each other depended on that honesty and willingness to be "shot down" by the other. I am sure that these moments may have saved our lives at times.
One of the other things that I had to share was on the topic of respect. The Brother teaching shared that we all have this need, some more than others. I can say as a woman of the house, respect falls right up there with love and admiration. When I have not felt respected, it has turned me into Jackie in the flesh. The Sisters unfortunately have seen this side of me too many times! There was one time in particular that I felt my name was "smeared in the mud" and it cut to the depths. There were real issues that needed to be dealt with and bigger "foxes" that were lurking behind the bushes. The experience helped me to see that love and respect go hand in hand. You can have respect without love, but not love without respect.
I enjoyed last night's teaching very much. I enjoyed the sharing and singing immensely. I guess I was hoping for a magic solution to some of the bigger problems Chris and I deal with and share (openly). And because there are no two marriages the same, the only solution anyone can give is to turn to Christ. And that includes the Christ in each other. Certain Saints have been given to us to help us through certain problems. Not everyone can understand every issue and so that's where the recommendation from Frank came in... not to open up to the whole Church about deep problems, but only the ones that He directs us to.
The last 2 weeks on marriage have been extremely eye opening for both Chris and I. We have seen that we can't do "this" on our own. The old way of hiding our struggles is now gone. The Saints here are not looking at us and our mistakes, but look right through us to see Christ.
I especially want to thank the Sisters in the body. They have been better to me than any counseling I have ever received in the outside world. The beauty, strength, grace, love, and boldness in every Sister that has reached out to me, shared Christ with me, and loved on me despite my faults, has been life saving. I love you Sisters. I finally understand what Jennifer meant when she was describing the Sisterhood to me just before I came here. I get it, I get Him.
Thanks for letting me share. The Lord is so good to us.
I am still coming off the emotional highs and lows of last night's meeting. I was so touched by all of the Saints that shared their hearts as well as the Brother that put together a time of teaching for us all. I love how beautiful it was to watch this man pour into us the joys and lessons he's learned throughout his marriage.
I wanted to share so bad last night, but I couldn't. If I would have began speaking, the water works would have turned on. I had such a hard time keeping myself together.
I do have some thoughts on things that were shared that I would love to add on...
I definitely see that men and women have been misunderstanding each other for centuries and it doesn't stop when we get married. Something a Brother said last night hit the nail on the metaphorical head... sometimes there are big "foxes" lurking in the bushes. Something more than a power struggle or a need to win an argument. Sometimes there are real trust, safety, and practical issues that spawn these smaller arguments. These are the big ones that split families up. Cheating, addiction, violence, as well as sexual and mental abuse. Both Chris and I, having openly shared our problems with addiction, understand that at any time these problems could become real for us. When that happens, showing love and affection, as well as respect and adoration can take a form different than what we're used to it looking like. In these cases, I have seen that respect can be putting ourselves in a vulnerable position. There have been times when Chris has needed to hold a mirror up to my face. I didn't feel very loved, but it was what I needed. There have also been times where I've had to do the same to him. He can tell you first hand that he did not feel respected during these times. But the safety of our children and of each other depended on that honesty and willingness to be "shot down" by the other. I am sure that these moments may have saved our lives at times.
One of the other things that I had to share was on the topic of respect. The Brother teaching shared that we all have this need, some more than others. I can say as a woman of the house, respect falls right up there with love and admiration. When I have not felt respected, it has turned me into Jackie in the flesh. The Sisters unfortunately have seen this side of me too many times! There was one time in particular that I felt my name was "smeared in the mud" and it cut to the depths. There were real issues that needed to be dealt with and bigger "foxes" that were lurking behind the bushes. The experience helped me to see that love and respect go hand in hand. You can have respect without love, but not love without respect.
I enjoyed last night's teaching very much. I enjoyed the sharing and singing immensely. I guess I was hoping for a magic solution to some of the bigger problems Chris and I deal with and share (openly). And because there are no two marriages the same, the only solution anyone can give is to turn to Christ. And that includes the Christ in each other. Certain Saints have been given to us to help us through certain problems. Not everyone can understand every issue and so that's where the recommendation from Frank came in... not to open up to the whole Church about deep problems, but only the ones that He directs us to.
The last 2 weeks on marriage have been extremely eye opening for both Chris and I. We have seen that we can't do "this" on our own. The old way of hiding our struggles is now gone. The Saints here are not looking at us and our mistakes, but look right through us to see Christ.
I especially want to thank the Sisters in the body. They have been better to me than any counseling I have ever received in the outside world. The beauty, strength, grace, love, and boldness in every Sister that has reached out to me, shared Christ with me, and loved on me despite my faults, has been life saving. I love you Sisters. I finally understand what Jennifer meant when she was describing the Sisterhood to me just before I came here. I get it, I get Him.
Thanks for letting me share. The Lord is so good to us.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
bullying
This morning I read the kids a book about a little girl that was being bullied. Not by children who threw fists or carried knives, but by a friend. Emotional bullying is every bit as harmful as physical bullying. Children and adults have committed suicide over it, or so I've read in the news. Anyway, I was intrigued by the maturity, yet simplicity of this book. I think that adults anywhere(probably mostly in the workplace) could benefit from it.
A friend that bullies is not a friend. In this book anytime the little girl would talk to her bullying "friend" about how she felt she would be told that she was just being sensitive and ridiculous.
Now, this world is run by Love and absolutely nothing more. I had a talk with my kids afterwards about what it means to live by Love. I capitalize "Love" because Christ is Love and we live by His life. We are creatures that react to our hurt feelings either by Love, or in the flesh. Any action or words meant to tear down or sting, is not acting out of Love. Does that mean we have to be bullied? Does the verse telling us to turn the other cheek mean that we no longer have the right to NOT be bullied? I doubt it.
What I told my children this morning is now something I am going to tell myself in similar situations. If there is relational aggression going on, it is not our jobs to find out why the person is behaving the way they are. If someone is bullying my kids, myself, or anyone else, that person is not a friend. A friend is someone who likes you, not bullies you. In this fallen world it is crucial to teach my kids skills that weren't taught 20 years ago. In turn, I am coming to see that adult bullying isn't much different. I am learning those skills too.
There are problems in life that aren't easily solved and this is one of them. It helps to know that people who are bullied are not alone. But that doesn't mean it has to stay that way. In really seeking the Lord's heart on this matter and exploring how to preset it to my children, this is the conclusion I gave them, and myself. If being bullied, don't be "nicer" in hopes that the bully will all of the sudden see you as a friend. It's also not "just the way things are". As people who know the Lord we can see that when the excuses "that's just the way things are" or "just being real" are actually just acting in the flesh. True being real and the way things truly are, are in Christ. We stand for that. We uphold the Lord's right to love others, sometimes from afar. And, for the most part, the bullies we face don't even know the Lord, or at least not deeply. That is a great way to explain their behaviour to children.
I got this kids book at the library. It's called My Secret Bully and it has questions, suggestions, and resources. It's awesome.
Thank you for reading and please leave comments if you have 'em.
Love,
Jackie
A friend that bullies is not a friend. In this book anytime the little girl would talk to her bullying "friend" about how she felt she would be told that she was just being sensitive and ridiculous.
Now, this world is run by Love and absolutely nothing more. I had a talk with my kids afterwards about what it means to live by Love. I capitalize "Love" because Christ is Love and we live by His life. We are creatures that react to our hurt feelings either by Love, or in the flesh. Any action or words meant to tear down or sting, is not acting out of Love. Does that mean we have to be bullied? Does the verse telling us to turn the other cheek mean that we no longer have the right to NOT be bullied? I doubt it.
What I told my children this morning is now something I am going to tell myself in similar situations. If there is relational aggression going on, it is not our jobs to find out why the person is behaving the way they are. If someone is bullying my kids, myself, or anyone else, that person is not a friend. A friend is someone who likes you, not bullies you. In this fallen world it is crucial to teach my kids skills that weren't taught 20 years ago. In turn, I am coming to see that adult bullying isn't much different. I am learning those skills too.
There are problems in life that aren't easily solved and this is one of them. It helps to know that people who are bullied are not alone. But that doesn't mean it has to stay that way. In really seeking the Lord's heart on this matter and exploring how to preset it to my children, this is the conclusion I gave them, and myself. If being bullied, don't be "nicer" in hopes that the bully will all of the sudden see you as a friend. It's also not "just the way things are". As people who know the Lord we can see that when the excuses "that's just the way things are" or "just being real" are actually just acting in the flesh. True being real and the way things truly are, are in Christ. We stand for that. We uphold the Lord's right to love others, sometimes from afar. And, for the most part, the bullies we face don't even know the Lord, or at least not deeply. That is a great way to explain their behaviour to children.
I got this kids book at the library. It's called My Secret Bully and it has questions, suggestions, and resources. It's awesome.
Thank you for reading and please leave comments if you have 'em.
Love,
Jackie
Sunday, May 15, 2011
the miracle of the ordinary
The opposite of addiction is mindfulness. Escaping the bad feelings of anxiety, depression, and fear are what drives humans with addiction to turn to food, tv, shopping, gambling, drugs, and alcohol. Living with chronic pain, it's been hard to go without pain relief, or to just take the bare minimum in order to funtion. My doctor told me that what I had was a physical dependence and that it's different from addiction, but in my mind they are one in the same. Being physically dependant, I have needed my medicine in order to not become deathly ill. I have needed to take it before social situations and also before doing anything physical that would cause pain. I no longer depend on medication the way I did, which was 24/7. Although, I do have a few things for pain relief that I use when I can't stand up straight because of the discomfort.
I have been spending a lot of time with the Lord these days. In those quiet times it's easy to see that most of my life has been spent preparing for the future. To be still and know that He is God has been all to easy to overlook as I rush from one goal to another. Always trying to escape pain or even just bad feelings, like hurt and anger. Never fully experiencing the moment, but looking for relief from it instead. The Lord has inspired me to slow down and become alive to the wonders of ordinary life. To be okay with everything. Now, that doesn't mean that I no longer have any boundaries and that I become worthless, or a doormat. I take my cue from Christ... He acknowledged crossed boundaries, forgave, and moved on.
I allow myself to be in the moment, feel my pain and my anger instead of running from those things. I experience those feelings that the Lord Himself has felt at times. And then I am free to move on.
When living life one moment at a time, fully being involved in simple tasks, such as washing dishes, the responsibilities of life don't become so burdensome. I enjoy planning, but not so I can rush to do the thing I planned for, but simply because the planning itself is wonderful. It is life that I was given the opportunity to live. What a gift!
How can a being like me be given the chance at such a beautiful thing as life? And why on earth have I tried to escape it at all? Anytime I chose crappy television over real life, I escaped it. Anytime I chose desensitized life over full life, I escaped it.
This journey is by no means exciting all the time. It is a slow and sometimes painful one, but so full.
The Lord is outside of time. When He is the driving force behind my physical being and the Church as a whole, the ordinary becomes a miracle.
Thanks for reading,
love,
Jackie
I have been spending a lot of time with the Lord these days. In those quiet times it's easy to see that most of my life has been spent preparing for the future. To be still and know that He is God has been all to easy to overlook as I rush from one goal to another. Always trying to escape pain or even just bad feelings, like hurt and anger. Never fully experiencing the moment, but looking for relief from it instead. The Lord has inspired me to slow down and become alive to the wonders of ordinary life. To be okay with everything. Now, that doesn't mean that I no longer have any boundaries and that I become worthless, or a doormat. I take my cue from Christ... He acknowledged crossed boundaries, forgave, and moved on.
I allow myself to be in the moment, feel my pain and my anger instead of running from those things. I experience those feelings that the Lord Himself has felt at times. And then I am free to move on.
When living life one moment at a time, fully being involved in simple tasks, such as washing dishes, the responsibilities of life don't become so burdensome. I enjoy planning, but not so I can rush to do the thing I planned for, but simply because the planning itself is wonderful. It is life that I was given the opportunity to live. What a gift!
How can a being like me be given the chance at such a beautiful thing as life? And why on earth have I tried to escape it at all? Anytime I chose crappy television over real life, I escaped it. Anytime I chose desensitized life over full life, I escaped it.
This journey is by no means exciting all the time. It is a slow and sometimes painful one, but so full.
The Lord is outside of time. When He is the driving force behind my physical being and the Church as a whole, the ordinary becomes a miracle.
Thanks for reading,
love,
Jackie
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
comfort in the face of fear
A few days ago I went to visit Amy in the hospital. I was so happy to see her, finally. The day before that, she decided that she wanted visitors after a week in the hospital. I understood. When you are in so much pain that having a simple conversation is hard, having to put on a "happy face" for a visitor is just too much work. From home, I did what I could for her and prayed. My kids and husband did the same. We prayed seperately and as a family for our Sister in the hospital.
That night, after visiting her, I got to stay with her. Jennifer had stayed with her the night before. Derek was telling us about all the wonderful ways Jenn had spoiled Amy. After looking at Amy's perfectly painted toe nails I realized just how high the bar was set for visitors. :)
I tried to be as "out of the way" as I could while still loving on her and being there for Derek.
It really hit me that night that while Derek's emails were true, they didn't express just how scary it was. Things kept happening and she would wince in pain. There were several siezure type episodes. She knew something was wrong and at this point couldn't speak much. I was taken aback at how even though Derek felt scared, he was a picture of Strength for her.
I had this plan. I was going to put lotion on her and read/sing the songbook, and read Breaking Dawn to her. Before Kim went home we prayed and sang over her. I got to sing to her for a bit while alone with her too. The other things didn't get to happen as there weren't too many moments of peace. This was the night that she had been transferred to Shands. I started to get angry that the Shands doctors weren't rushing around working on her as fast as they could to relieve her suffering. I ran out into the hall to tell a doctor to hurry during one of her siezures because I was afraid she was having a heart attack. I was afraid that I was watching her die and it angered me. I couldn't understand why Christ wasn't healing her instantly. It was easy to pray for her from home where I didn't have to watch her body contorting into wierd positions. Then she would moan that something was wrong and someone needed to help her right before she went 'blank'. It made me so angry that this was happening to one of the loveliest people I have ever met in my life. I had to be careful not to make Derek feel as though he had to comfort me at all, I was here for them, not the other way around. Derek was so kind and at point in the night asked if I was okay because he was scared and knew I was scared too. I knew that Amy would have a full healthy recovery, I had just forgot for a moment in response to everything going on. She cried out "Jesus, help me" and I knew then that she was right on. He was the only One that could help her in that moment.
As the morning approached, she began looking at me and calling me by name. She was able to get rest and finally have some relief from her nightmare of an evening.
What I noticed right away was that Derek didn't shy away from her even when he was scared. He would hold her closest when the scary things happened and kiss her and love on her. My first reaction was to want to jump up and look for help and basically panic. But, just looking at Derek I instantly felt calm. We don't live by the same fears as those who don't know Christ. His love and support for his wife was a shadow of our relationship with Jesus Christ.
I was hesitant to share about Amy. After talking to a Sister this morning about my evening with her, I saw that we are all in this together. We are all family and everyone in the Body is her Brother or Sister and cares about her and wants to be updated. I think that's why we all look for and expect updates all the time. We want to know how she's doing because not a minute goes by that we aren't praying for, or thinking of her and Derek.
I am excited to hear that she is making progress. The siezures have stopped and she's talking. I can't wait until my next scheduled time to sit with her.
I normally don't quote scripture, but have had this one HEAVY on my heart for a few days now...
The Lord is my strength and my shield. I trust Him with all of my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanskgiving.(Psalm28:7)
Thanks for reading,
Jackie
That night, after visiting her, I got to stay with her. Jennifer had stayed with her the night before. Derek was telling us about all the wonderful ways Jenn had spoiled Amy. After looking at Amy's perfectly painted toe nails I realized just how high the bar was set for visitors. :)
I tried to be as "out of the way" as I could while still loving on her and being there for Derek.
It really hit me that night that while Derek's emails were true, they didn't express just how scary it was. Things kept happening and she would wince in pain. There were several siezure type episodes. She knew something was wrong and at this point couldn't speak much. I was taken aback at how even though Derek felt scared, he was a picture of Strength for her.
I had this plan. I was going to put lotion on her and read/sing the songbook, and read Breaking Dawn to her. Before Kim went home we prayed and sang over her. I got to sing to her for a bit while alone with her too. The other things didn't get to happen as there weren't too many moments of peace. This was the night that she had been transferred to Shands. I started to get angry that the Shands doctors weren't rushing around working on her as fast as they could to relieve her suffering. I ran out into the hall to tell a doctor to hurry during one of her siezures because I was afraid she was having a heart attack. I was afraid that I was watching her die and it angered me. I couldn't understand why Christ wasn't healing her instantly. It was easy to pray for her from home where I didn't have to watch her body contorting into wierd positions. Then she would moan that something was wrong and someone needed to help her right before she went 'blank'. It made me so angry that this was happening to one of the loveliest people I have ever met in my life. I had to be careful not to make Derek feel as though he had to comfort me at all, I was here for them, not the other way around. Derek was so kind and at point in the night asked if I was okay because he was scared and knew I was scared too. I knew that Amy would have a full healthy recovery, I had just forgot for a moment in response to everything going on. She cried out "Jesus, help me" and I knew then that she was right on. He was the only One that could help her in that moment.
As the morning approached, she began looking at me and calling me by name. She was able to get rest and finally have some relief from her nightmare of an evening.
What I noticed right away was that Derek didn't shy away from her even when he was scared. He would hold her closest when the scary things happened and kiss her and love on her. My first reaction was to want to jump up and look for help and basically panic. But, just looking at Derek I instantly felt calm. We don't live by the same fears as those who don't know Christ. His love and support for his wife was a shadow of our relationship with Jesus Christ.
I was hesitant to share about Amy. After talking to a Sister this morning about my evening with her, I saw that we are all in this together. We are all family and everyone in the Body is her Brother or Sister and cares about her and wants to be updated. I think that's why we all look for and expect updates all the time. We want to know how she's doing because not a minute goes by that we aren't praying for, or thinking of her and Derek.
I am excited to hear that she is making progress. The siezures have stopped and she's talking. I can't wait until my next scheduled time to sit with her.
I normally don't quote scripture, but have had this one HEAVY on my heart for a few days now...
The Lord is my strength and my shield. I trust Him with all of my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanskgiving.(Psalm28:7)
Thanks for reading,
Jackie
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