The opposite of addiction is mindfulness. Escaping the bad feelings of anxiety, depression, and fear are what drives humans with addiction to turn to food, tv, shopping, gambling, drugs, and alcohol. Living with chronic pain, it's been hard to go without pain relief, or to just take the bare minimum in order to funtion. My doctor told me that what I had was a physical dependence and that it's different from addiction, but in my mind they are one in the same. Being physically dependant, I have needed my medicine in order to not become deathly ill. I have needed to take it before social situations and also before doing anything physical that would cause pain. I no longer depend on medication the way I did, which was 24/7. Although, I do have a few things for pain relief that I use when I can't stand up straight because of the discomfort.
I have been spending a lot of time with the Lord these days. In those quiet times it's easy to see that most of my life has been spent preparing for the future. To be still and know that He is God has been all to easy to overlook as I rush from one goal to another. Always trying to escape pain or even just bad feelings, like hurt and anger. Never fully experiencing the moment, but looking for relief from it instead. The Lord has inspired me to slow down and become alive to the wonders of ordinary life. To be okay with everything. Now, that doesn't mean that I no longer have any boundaries and that I become worthless, or a doormat. I take my cue from Christ... He acknowledged crossed boundaries, forgave, and moved on.
I allow myself to be in the moment, feel my pain and my anger instead of running from those things. I experience those feelings that the Lord Himself has felt at times. And then I am free to move on.
When living life one moment at a time, fully being involved in simple tasks, such as washing dishes, the responsibilities of life don't become so burdensome. I enjoy planning, but not so I can rush to do the thing I planned for, but simply because the planning itself is wonderful. It is life that I was given the opportunity to live. What a gift!
How can a being like me be given the chance at such a beautiful thing as life? And why on earth have I tried to escape it at all? Anytime I chose crappy television over real life, I escaped it. Anytime I chose desensitized life over full life, I escaped it.
This journey is by no means exciting all the time. It is a slow and sometimes painful one, but so full.
The Lord is outside of time. When He is the driving force behind my physical being and the Church as a whole, the ordinary becomes a miracle.
Thanks for reading,
love,
Jackie
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
comfort in the face of fear
A few days ago I went to visit Amy in the hospital. I was so happy to see her, finally. The day before that, she decided that she wanted visitors after a week in the hospital. I understood. When you are in so much pain that having a simple conversation is hard, having to put on a "happy face" for a visitor is just too much work. From home, I did what I could for her and prayed. My kids and husband did the same. We prayed seperately and as a family for our Sister in the hospital.
That night, after visiting her, I got to stay with her. Jennifer had stayed with her the night before. Derek was telling us about all the wonderful ways Jenn had spoiled Amy. After looking at Amy's perfectly painted toe nails I realized just how high the bar was set for visitors. :)
I tried to be as "out of the way" as I could while still loving on her and being there for Derek.
It really hit me that night that while Derek's emails were true, they didn't express just how scary it was. Things kept happening and she would wince in pain. There were several siezure type episodes. She knew something was wrong and at this point couldn't speak much. I was taken aback at how even though Derek felt scared, he was a picture of Strength for her.
I had this plan. I was going to put lotion on her and read/sing the songbook, and read Breaking Dawn to her. Before Kim went home we prayed and sang over her. I got to sing to her for a bit while alone with her too. The other things didn't get to happen as there weren't too many moments of peace. This was the night that she had been transferred to Shands. I started to get angry that the Shands doctors weren't rushing around working on her as fast as they could to relieve her suffering. I ran out into the hall to tell a doctor to hurry during one of her siezures because I was afraid she was having a heart attack. I was afraid that I was watching her die and it angered me. I couldn't understand why Christ wasn't healing her instantly. It was easy to pray for her from home where I didn't have to watch her body contorting into wierd positions. Then she would moan that something was wrong and someone needed to help her right before she went 'blank'. It made me so angry that this was happening to one of the loveliest people I have ever met in my life. I had to be careful not to make Derek feel as though he had to comfort me at all, I was here for them, not the other way around. Derek was so kind and at point in the night asked if I was okay because he was scared and knew I was scared too. I knew that Amy would have a full healthy recovery, I had just forgot for a moment in response to everything going on. She cried out "Jesus, help me" and I knew then that she was right on. He was the only One that could help her in that moment.
As the morning approached, she began looking at me and calling me by name. She was able to get rest and finally have some relief from her nightmare of an evening.
What I noticed right away was that Derek didn't shy away from her even when he was scared. He would hold her closest when the scary things happened and kiss her and love on her. My first reaction was to want to jump up and look for help and basically panic. But, just looking at Derek I instantly felt calm. We don't live by the same fears as those who don't know Christ. His love and support for his wife was a shadow of our relationship with Jesus Christ.
I was hesitant to share about Amy. After talking to a Sister this morning about my evening with her, I saw that we are all in this together. We are all family and everyone in the Body is her Brother or Sister and cares about her and wants to be updated. I think that's why we all look for and expect updates all the time. We want to know how she's doing because not a minute goes by that we aren't praying for, or thinking of her and Derek.
I am excited to hear that she is making progress. The siezures have stopped and she's talking. I can't wait until my next scheduled time to sit with her.
I normally don't quote scripture, but have had this one HEAVY on my heart for a few days now...
The Lord is my strength and my shield. I trust Him with all of my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanskgiving.(Psalm28:7)
Thanks for reading,
Jackie
That night, after visiting her, I got to stay with her. Jennifer had stayed with her the night before. Derek was telling us about all the wonderful ways Jenn had spoiled Amy. After looking at Amy's perfectly painted toe nails I realized just how high the bar was set for visitors. :)
I tried to be as "out of the way" as I could while still loving on her and being there for Derek.
It really hit me that night that while Derek's emails were true, they didn't express just how scary it was. Things kept happening and she would wince in pain. There were several siezure type episodes. She knew something was wrong and at this point couldn't speak much. I was taken aback at how even though Derek felt scared, he was a picture of Strength for her.
I had this plan. I was going to put lotion on her and read/sing the songbook, and read Breaking Dawn to her. Before Kim went home we prayed and sang over her. I got to sing to her for a bit while alone with her too. The other things didn't get to happen as there weren't too many moments of peace. This was the night that she had been transferred to Shands. I started to get angry that the Shands doctors weren't rushing around working on her as fast as they could to relieve her suffering. I ran out into the hall to tell a doctor to hurry during one of her siezures because I was afraid she was having a heart attack. I was afraid that I was watching her die and it angered me. I couldn't understand why Christ wasn't healing her instantly. It was easy to pray for her from home where I didn't have to watch her body contorting into wierd positions. Then she would moan that something was wrong and someone needed to help her right before she went 'blank'. It made me so angry that this was happening to one of the loveliest people I have ever met in my life. I had to be careful not to make Derek feel as though he had to comfort me at all, I was here for them, not the other way around. Derek was so kind and at point in the night asked if I was okay because he was scared and knew I was scared too. I knew that Amy would have a full healthy recovery, I had just forgot for a moment in response to everything going on. She cried out "Jesus, help me" and I knew then that she was right on. He was the only One that could help her in that moment.
As the morning approached, she began looking at me and calling me by name. She was able to get rest and finally have some relief from her nightmare of an evening.
What I noticed right away was that Derek didn't shy away from her even when he was scared. He would hold her closest when the scary things happened and kiss her and love on her. My first reaction was to want to jump up and look for help and basically panic. But, just looking at Derek I instantly felt calm. We don't live by the same fears as those who don't know Christ. His love and support for his wife was a shadow of our relationship with Jesus Christ.
I was hesitant to share about Amy. After talking to a Sister this morning about my evening with her, I saw that we are all in this together. We are all family and everyone in the Body is her Brother or Sister and cares about her and wants to be updated. I think that's why we all look for and expect updates all the time. We want to know how she's doing because not a minute goes by that we aren't praying for, or thinking of her and Derek.
I am excited to hear that she is making progress. The siezures have stopped and she's talking. I can't wait until my next scheduled time to sit with her.
I normally don't quote scripture, but have had this one HEAVY on my heart for a few days now...
The Lord is my strength and my shield. I trust Him with all of my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanskgiving.(Psalm28:7)
Thanks for reading,
Jackie
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
judge not, lest ye be judged
There is a real person inside, the Life of Christ. This person is becoming infused in me like a tea bag in hot water(not my words, borrowing from a great teacher). It cannot be seperated.
It is Christ that leads me to show kindness and it is only Christ if I ever do anything selfless. There are things that could be perceived as selfless, but if the old man is doing them, those acts are motivated by flesh. The motives are not of Love, but of something else. When the Lord brings us to our end, there is a death and then a resurrection, and then after that there is a new Life that is growing inside like a baby. After receiving this new Life, everything changes and the Life begins to grow and take up more space.
The life of Love inside will compell me to do things I really do not want to do. Things that I will never in a million years get glory for. Every Christian that has this Life inside will be given this new way to live.
This way that seems so hard. But so worth it. The glory is not in any credit we receive, but in knowing that His blood is flowing through us and changing who we are and what we do.
There is a silent sense of safety in this new life. Because it is Christ that is living in Shane(made up person) and Christ that is leading Shane to change and everyday become more like Jesus Himself, than we would be fools to reject Shane or ignore him, or judge him, or any of the other things we do to people.
Now I know this is nothing new here, but I am having a pretty big revelation on the concept that I need to treat every person as though Christ were living inside.
What if someone I didn't know very well, such as Shane, had our Lord living in Him and was carrying out His will in him? And I, not knowing Shane was a Christian because he didn't go to my small group, secretly judged his motives for opening the door for a lady. When all along it was Christ leading Shane to do this. I would have just judged the Master of my Universe. Ouch.
The same thing happens with those I know are walking with the Lord. Sometimes I catch myself judging a motive here or there. Boy, am I dead wrong in doing that. Who's to say that Christ isn't leading the very action I have judged.
Sorry to bring you along on my very simple and long overdue mind journey here.
I hope Christ continues to clear up my head the way He's been doing. So many things are making sense to me now. I enjoy writing about it so I can look back years from now and read about the day I learned it was good to be kind to everyone.
Anyway, thanks for reading.
Love,
Jackie
It is Christ that leads me to show kindness and it is only Christ if I ever do anything selfless. There are things that could be perceived as selfless, but if the old man is doing them, those acts are motivated by flesh. The motives are not of Love, but of something else. When the Lord brings us to our end, there is a death and then a resurrection, and then after that there is a new Life that is growing inside like a baby. After receiving this new Life, everything changes and the Life begins to grow and take up more space.
The life of Love inside will compell me to do things I really do not want to do. Things that I will never in a million years get glory for. Every Christian that has this Life inside will be given this new way to live.
This way that seems so hard. But so worth it. The glory is not in any credit we receive, but in knowing that His blood is flowing through us and changing who we are and what we do.
There is a silent sense of safety in this new life. Because it is Christ that is living in Shane(made up person) and Christ that is leading Shane to change and everyday become more like Jesus Himself, than we would be fools to reject Shane or ignore him, or judge him, or any of the other things we do to people.
Now I know this is nothing new here, but I am having a pretty big revelation on the concept that I need to treat every person as though Christ were living inside.
What if someone I didn't know very well, such as Shane, had our Lord living in Him and was carrying out His will in him? And I, not knowing Shane was a Christian because he didn't go to my small group, secretly judged his motives for opening the door for a lady. When all along it was Christ leading Shane to do this. I would have just judged the Master of my Universe. Ouch.
The same thing happens with those I know are walking with the Lord. Sometimes I catch myself judging a motive here or there. Boy, am I dead wrong in doing that. Who's to say that Christ isn't leading the very action I have judged.
Sorry to bring you along on my very simple and long overdue mind journey here.
I hope Christ continues to clear up my head the way He's been doing. So many things are making sense to me now. I enjoy writing about it so I can look back years from now and read about the day I learned it was good to be kind to everyone.
Anyway, thanks for reading.
Love,
Jackie
Thursday, April 14, 2011
learning to live by Love
This entry comes after a particularly difficult day with my children. I have three boys that are 2, 5, and 7. They bring me so much joy. They are curious, full of love and life, and love me so much that it flatters me sometimes.
Two of my boys have specific needs that go above and beyond the typical parenting day to day duties. One of them struggles to communicate his needs as we all learn to adjust to his alternate way of seeing the world. He is on the autism spectrum.
Another one of my children is so hyperactive that we can't get through half a day before he has hurt himself or his brothers accidentally. He struggles to pay attention long enough to complete a task as simple as putting his shorts on. He is immediately distracted at anything taking more than one step to do.
These are not behavior problems or issues. They have both been progressive and ongoing and I have seen the changes gradually happen before my eyes.
That doesn't mean that I am as understanding or as patient as I would like to be. I research and consult and still find that there is so much unknown about both autism and adhd.
After speaking with someone who had severe adhd as a child, and took medicine for it, I knew that medication was not the route to take for our family. I do not want them to have to deal with the serious side effects that those medicines cause. That is a major reason why we continue to homeschool when times get tough.
As a teacher I can give my sons the time and space they need in order to work at their own pace. I also don't have to be forced into putting them on medication.
One of the less difficult parts of all of this is something I'd like to write about, maybe to help others understand. Many people don't live with someone who lives life with an extra obstacle, but I know many people who do. The ones who do have been a great source of encouragement and comfort to me as I know I am not alone in what I go through each and every day. For as long as I can remember a lot of well meaning friends and family members have tried to give me advice as though my children had behavior issues. I have been offered a lot of creative and great advice, that unfortunately I can't use because I am not parenting children who respond or who need stricter guidelines or more punishment.
Parenting a child is always hard sometimes. Trying to think outside the box when there is a special need can be met with judgement, critism, or even just plain old misunderstanding. As much as I want to be shown mercy by those that don't understand, I am learning to show mercy to them as well. I would always smile politely and take another parent's advice, but unless that parent has a child that deals with autism and adhd on an 'every waking hour' basis, I would secretly be a little angry. As if I was being told I wasn't parenting well enough.
I now know that it was my own insecurities that project those thoughts. People want to be helpful by nature. When a fellow mom or dad sees me struggle, naturally they want to help. That's all. There is no big conspiracy to get me to "keep my kids in line a little better".
As many of you know, lately I have been under the weather. Dealing with health issues that involve pain. Pain that makes me less patient and a heck of a lot more irritable. I am telling myself what I wish I could tell others all the time.
My children are loving and intelligent. They are my full time job right now, as well as I am responsible for all of their education and I take that very seriously.
I am not going to be perfect at it. No mother is, but I am the perfect mother for my children. If they seem "wild" or "cranky", it is not because I don't punish them(believe me I do) or that I don't spend almost every moment on being a mom that tries to think outside the box so that my children have as normal life as possible.
They deal things that I never had to.
I try to be understanding and respectful of that.
And I am also going to be understanding and respectful of those who don't know much about my children. It is one more struggle, but I am finding a new way to live that doesn't require so much energy and effort. The same life that I am trying to teach my children to live by.
I hope that this blog entry shows a little insight as to what a stay at home mom of children with struggles deals with. I know we all deal with struggles, this is one of mine. I am learning and growing each day. And Jesus is good to us.
Love,
Jackie
Two of my boys have specific needs that go above and beyond the typical parenting day to day duties. One of them struggles to communicate his needs as we all learn to adjust to his alternate way of seeing the world. He is on the autism spectrum.
Another one of my children is so hyperactive that we can't get through half a day before he has hurt himself or his brothers accidentally. He struggles to pay attention long enough to complete a task as simple as putting his shorts on. He is immediately distracted at anything taking more than one step to do.
These are not behavior problems or issues. They have both been progressive and ongoing and I have seen the changes gradually happen before my eyes.
That doesn't mean that I am as understanding or as patient as I would like to be. I research and consult and still find that there is so much unknown about both autism and adhd.
After speaking with someone who had severe adhd as a child, and took medicine for it, I knew that medication was not the route to take for our family. I do not want them to have to deal with the serious side effects that those medicines cause. That is a major reason why we continue to homeschool when times get tough.
As a teacher I can give my sons the time and space they need in order to work at their own pace. I also don't have to be forced into putting them on medication.
One of the less difficult parts of all of this is something I'd like to write about, maybe to help others understand. Many people don't live with someone who lives life with an extra obstacle, but I know many people who do. The ones who do have been a great source of encouragement and comfort to me as I know I am not alone in what I go through each and every day. For as long as I can remember a lot of well meaning friends and family members have tried to give me advice as though my children had behavior issues. I have been offered a lot of creative and great advice, that unfortunately I can't use because I am not parenting children who respond or who need stricter guidelines or more punishment.
Parenting a child is always hard sometimes. Trying to think outside the box when there is a special need can be met with judgement, critism, or even just plain old misunderstanding. As much as I want to be shown mercy by those that don't understand, I am learning to show mercy to them as well. I would always smile politely and take another parent's advice, but unless that parent has a child that deals with autism and adhd on an 'every waking hour' basis, I would secretly be a little angry. As if I was being told I wasn't parenting well enough.
I now know that it was my own insecurities that project those thoughts. People want to be helpful by nature. When a fellow mom or dad sees me struggle, naturally they want to help. That's all. There is no big conspiracy to get me to "keep my kids in line a little better".
As many of you know, lately I have been under the weather. Dealing with health issues that involve pain. Pain that makes me less patient and a heck of a lot more irritable. I am telling myself what I wish I could tell others all the time.
My children are loving and intelligent. They are my full time job right now, as well as I am responsible for all of their education and I take that very seriously.
I am not going to be perfect at it. No mother is, but I am the perfect mother for my children. If they seem "wild" or "cranky", it is not because I don't punish them(believe me I do) or that I don't spend almost every moment on being a mom that tries to think outside the box so that my children have as normal life as possible.
They deal things that I never had to.
I try to be understanding and respectful of that.
And I am also going to be understanding and respectful of those who don't know much about my children. It is one more struggle, but I am finding a new way to live that doesn't require so much energy and effort. The same life that I am trying to teach my children to live by.
I hope that this blog entry shows a little insight as to what a stay at home mom of children with struggles deals with. I know we all deal with struggles, this is one of mine. I am learning and growing each day. And Jesus is good to us.
Love,
Jackie
Monday, March 21, 2011
dedicated to...
Today I said goodbye to my grandmom. I had just a few moments to say to her what she meant to me. It was over the phone.
I won't ever get to talk to her again. I won't ever get to hug her or spend time with her again. She had very suddenly fallen ill Saturday and is gone. It is, in my humble opinion, too soon.
What do you say to someone you have loved your whole life who is about to leave her earthly body?
How can I sum up the wonderful way she enriched my life in just a few short moments?
Maybe I should have told her that I admired her strength and her honesty. That I will never forget the long conversation we shared over weekly coffee and cinnamon bread at the diner. Maybe I should have thanked her for the way she opened up to me about love, life, and God at her kitchen table late that one night. Or maybe I should have thanked her for her complete sacrifice of herself in order to care for everyone else in her life. But all I could do was tell her I love her and that I'll always love her.
She was smart and tough and was also loving, caring, and nurturing.
I thought I had at least 10 more years with her and I am devastated that I don't.
This entry is dedicated to my grandmom Peggy, a beautiful soul that will be missed tremendously.
Love,
Jackie
I won't ever get to talk to her again. I won't ever get to hug her or spend time with her again. She had very suddenly fallen ill Saturday and is gone. It is, in my humble opinion, too soon.
What do you say to someone you have loved your whole life who is about to leave her earthly body?
How can I sum up the wonderful way she enriched my life in just a few short moments?
Maybe I should have told her that I admired her strength and her honesty. That I will never forget the long conversation we shared over weekly coffee and cinnamon bread at the diner. Maybe I should have thanked her for the way she opened up to me about love, life, and God at her kitchen table late that one night. Or maybe I should have thanked her for her complete sacrifice of herself in order to care for everyone else in her life. But all I could do was tell her I love her and that I'll always love her.
She was smart and tough and was also loving, caring, and nurturing.
I thought I had at least 10 more years with her and I am devastated that I don't.
This entry is dedicated to my grandmom Peggy, a beautiful soul that will be missed tremendously.
Love,
Jackie
Saturday, March 12, 2011
everything's gonna' be alright
Yesterday I was asked the question, "when are you going to be good again?". Hmm, what a question. I guess the answer depends on the definition of 'good'. When am I going to be able to perform my normal tasks of homemaker without medication? Several weeks, maybe even months.
When Chris went back to work I needed to be able to stand up, walk, and function. That is why I went to see a doctor earlier this week. I am in fact on pain medicine, but it is nothing like the monster I was on and it is the only reason I am able to be up and about. It is also the only reason I am not back in pain management with legal drug dealers.
The withdrawal is now under control with blood pressure lowering medicine and the pain is mostly controlled with the patch on my arm.
Chris and I talked and prayed a lot about how much medicinal help we were willing to take. Our talk got serious the night before he went back to work. The goal is to eventually be free of all medicine. What are the steps to take to reach that goal without Chris having to quit his job to take care of the kids?
This is what we believe the Lord brought us to...
I am not medicine free yet.
I am a heck of a lot closer to being medicine free.
This is a process that looks different than what I would have planned.
So, am I good now? Yeah, I've been good all week, relatively speaking. A lot better than the first ten days when I was jumping out of my skin. I am still jumpy, and weak, and haven't taken on impossible tasks, such as tying my shoes. But I am good.
Have a wonderful day and thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie
When Chris went back to work I needed to be able to stand up, walk, and function. That is why I went to see a doctor earlier this week. I am in fact on pain medicine, but it is nothing like the monster I was on and it is the only reason I am able to be up and about. It is also the only reason I am not back in pain management with legal drug dealers.
The withdrawal is now under control with blood pressure lowering medicine and the pain is mostly controlled with the patch on my arm.
Chris and I talked and prayed a lot about how much medicinal help we were willing to take. Our talk got serious the night before he went back to work. The goal is to eventually be free of all medicine. What are the steps to take to reach that goal without Chris having to quit his job to take care of the kids?
This is what we believe the Lord brought us to...
I am not medicine free yet.
I am a heck of a lot closer to being medicine free.
This is a process that looks different than what I would have planned.
So, am I good now? Yeah, I've been good all week, relatively speaking. A lot better than the first ten days when I was jumping out of my skin. I am still jumpy, and weak, and haven't taken on impossible tasks, such as tying my shoes. But I am good.
Have a wonderful day and thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
wednesday
The days are getting longer and the future looks bleak. I know this is a mind trick due to the lack of endorphins that I no longer produce naturally. My body is going to need a lot of time to heal and to learn to live, and love, and thrive again.
Today something amazing happened... the Lord showed up. I've been getting a little worried because it seems as though He's been MIA lately, but today He showed up.
Through pain, anxiety, and uncontrolled panic the option to go back on my medicine started looking real good to me. Fortunately, my new doc here in Gainesville is knowledgable about my condition and sympathetic to the pains of withdrawal. So I graciously accepted a few of the "helpers" he gave me to aid in my survival through all this. And once I calmed down, a new reality was revealed to me.
I have had tremedous guilt due to the fact that I can't take care of my family. The friends and family that love me have been taking care of my kids, cooking for me, and generally giving us all the support a person can possibly give. Because I can't be the mom and wife and friend and daughter to the people I love, I really want to get better. I hate being the one that needs to be taken care of. I love to nurture and to love on others. I have been feeling shame and guilt that my physical dependence on this drug is preventing me from doing that. And I hate being a burden even though no one has done or said anything to make me think I have been. It doesn't help matters that I am in a never ending nightmare that is showing no signs of easing up. How long will life be pointless?
The revelation...
Today I realized that I am more than my current situation. I, as a single adult person, no longer exist. The Lord is where my identity resides. I have known this for a while, but today I got it on a whole 'nother level. My lack of cleaning, cooking, and mothering right now do not make me a loser despite what I've been telling myself. My identity is in Christ alone. I am doing this for His purposes and for His glory. In that, the smaller things that used to be so important, now have nothing to do with who I am. I am a good mom because I want Christ above all things. It has nothing to do with how well I "take care" of the little ones right now.
I am still suffering through the shaking, chills, pain, panic attacks, and insomnia, but my new doctor has given me some tools to help with those things and so I am hoping that they will relieve me as my body goes through the final waves of withdrawal. I am looking forward to living again. Slow at first, but eventually as a whole person.
Thank you for reading.
Love,
Jackie
Today something amazing happened... the Lord showed up. I've been getting a little worried because it seems as though He's been MIA lately, but today He showed up.
Through pain, anxiety, and uncontrolled panic the option to go back on my medicine started looking real good to me. Fortunately, my new doc here in Gainesville is knowledgable about my condition and sympathetic to the pains of withdrawal. So I graciously accepted a few of the "helpers" he gave me to aid in my survival through all this. And once I calmed down, a new reality was revealed to me.
I have had tremedous guilt due to the fact that I can't take care of my family. The friends and family that love me have been taking care of my kids, cooking for me, and generally giving us all the support a person can possibly give. Because I can't be the mom and wife and friend and daughter to the people I love, I really want to get better. I hate being the one that needs to be taken care of. I love to nurture and to love on others. I have been feeling shame and guilt that my physical dependence on this drug is preventing me from doing that. And I hate being a burden even though no one has done or said anything to make me think I have been. It doesn't help matters that I am in a never ending nightmare that is showing no signs of easing up. How long will life be pointless?
The revelation...
Today I realized that I am more than my current situation. I, as a single adult person, no longer exist. The Lord is where my identity resides. I have known this for a while, but today I got it on a whole 'nother level. My lack of cleaning, cooking, and mothering right now do not make me a loser despite what I've been telling myself. My identity is in Christ alone. I am doing this for His purposes and for His glory. In that, the smaller things that used to be so important, now have nothing to do with who I am. I am a good mom because I want Christ above all things. It has nothing to do with how well I "take care" of the little ones right now.
I am still suffering through the shaking, chills, pain, panic attacks, and insomnia, but my new doctor has given me some tools to help with those things and so I am hoping that they will relieve me as my body goes through the final waves of withdrawal. I am looking forward to living again. Slow at first, but eventually as a whole person.
Thank you for reading.
Love,
Jackie
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)