We are mere mortal humans. Yes, we are create to have the Lord live in us and infuse His live into us, but we are still human. We know nothing. The minute we think that we know anything, we are wrong.
There is a story in the bible that goes a little something like this... God asked a man to kill his own son. The man went up the hill to do it. Fortunately, the Lord told the man to stop and that he didn't have to kill his son. What if that man went around telling people, "Hey everyone, God wants us to kill our sons!!"
God gives us each our own problems, our own convictions, and our own ways to live. I would never try to convince another to homeschool, eat gluten free, go on medicine, go off medicine, to be a certain way, or to do a certain thing.
We are here to listen to each other and encourage each other on this earth.
My husband told me today that 5 years ago he did not understand depression. His response to my depression would have been... "get over it. We all go through rough times, right? You don't need medicine, just the joy of the Lord."
And that is the worst thing you can say to a person with depression. It would be like he was assuming he knew anything. We are not here to "know" things. We are here to love one and another. We are here to encourage and listen to and be with one another.
After I went off my medicine in March(completely my own choice) I experienced depression. Rather, I lost the will to live. I lost the ability to connect to another human being. It was not the same depression I felt after Chris' aneurysm or after I had a baby and was depressed for 6 months.
Chris saw for the first time that this was beyond my control. And since the Lord was not taking it away, I just had to find a way to live with it. My husband saw that this was unlike anything he had ever seen.
The minute we become more than a trusted friend, brother, or sister and we begin telling people what to do or that our convictions from the Lord should be their convictions too, we're wrong. We don't know what the Lord wants from and for another person.
I used to think that homeschooling was the Lord's will for Christians. I would read the scripture that tells us to train up our children in Him, and take that to mean we need to homeschool. What I have come to realize is that it's only what the Lord wants from me and that to put my conviction that homeschooling is what Christ wants from everyone on another, is wrong. The Lord doesn't give us instructions for others. He gives us instructions for ourselves.
As I end this I would like to add that I know nothing. I only know what I know for my family as far as what the Lord wants. The Lord gives us knowledge pertaining to our jobs, our roles in social circles, and our missions. Beyond that, we don't know anything. Even leaders, even (most)doctors, and even the president... the Lord's the only one with wisdom.
If you come across someone in crisis, please don't do anything stupid... like tell them it's not real, everyone goes through "this", to go against their doctor's wishes, or give any kind of wisdom at all. Only God can give wisdom. (Yes, I know God lives in us, but that should only make us see even more how little we really know!)
If you don't understand something, that doesn't mean it's not real. Just listen, love, and try to remember that our convictions are our convictions and not for everyone.
I have gotten so much positive feedback from these blogs about depression. More of my blogger friends than I ever know of struggle with depression or family that has it. I am glad that I am not alone in this.
I also know that I have a lot of readers who don't have this and so I really just want to shed some light on it. The best way to help is to love, not to give knowledge and wisdom for another person that we don't have. Usually it ends badly when we do that anyway. :)
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
the seen and the unseen
Today I realized that the unseen realm is scary. There are 2 realities that go on and some people live in one and others live in both.
One the one hand, there is life. With jobs, cars riding down the streets, dinners in the oven, kids that need to go to school(or be homeschooled), groups that meet for Christ, groups that meet for homeschool, groups that meet for recovering folks, there is facebook and phone calls, and bustling life.
Then there is another reality, the one that some people can't see or understand. A friend checked him/her self into an institution today because the depression got so dark, all they could see was the gray. And I realized that we live on 2 realms. Yes, this person could have had all the normal life that goes on each day, but the unseen was too much to bear. I know that with me it is a lack of a chemical in my head that causes life to turn gray. I just went through something like that myself. At one point I told my husband that it was getting too much to bear and I might not be around much longer. Fortunately there is an ebb and flow to the unseen and the despair passed.
The unseen realm is "easy" for most Christians to talk about because we know that Christ is good and if He's in the unseen, then how can there be darkness? But it's just like this world, there is good and bad. It's so much harder to accept that there is a scary dark thing out there that we humans call 'depression.' I know that some don't accept this. I met people in the first church I ever went to that accepted the good heavenly realms with Christ, but not the darkness that people go through too.
Today I am going to have a hard time homeschooling, exercising, cooking, baking, and seeing Sisters because I know that while all this goes on, there is someone I care about sitting in a hospital fighting the darkness. I don't understand why some people have to fight off the gray bland-ness of depression, but I hate it.
For those of you that read me, but don't understand the difference between normal stress/life induced sadness, and depression... here's the difference in my life. Sadness is feelings. Depression is uncontrollable thoughts of dying along with bouts of despair and absolutely no hope that life will ever be good again.
A very good friend of mine just helped me through my downswing of depression. One of the most helpful things she kept telling me was that it would end soon. Because in this other unseen reality, I couldn't see that it would end. In the "gray world" it seemed like it would go on forever and the only end to it would be death. Chris and I are so grateful to her for not making me feel crazy and reminding us that it would get better.
I was shielded from the "seen" world and from anything else that felt crushing. If I didn't have someone to do that, I would have had to check myself in somewhere.
I know that my blogs have been dark lately. I'll perk up soon enough and start writing again about homeschooling and organic crap, but I am in this place. I also know that there are those with depression who read this, and maybe they don't feel so alone.
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie
One the one hand, there is life. With jobs, cars riding down the streets, dinners in the oven, kids that need to go to school(or be homeschooled), groups that meet for Christ, groups that meet for homeschool, groups that meet for recovering folks, there is facebook and phone calls, and bustling life.
Then there is another reality, the one that some people can't see or understand. A friend checked him/her self into an institution today because the depression got so dark, all they could see was the gray. And I realized that we live on 2 realms. Yes, this person could have had all the normal life that goes on each day, but the unseen was too much to bear. I know that with me it is a lack of a chemical in my head that causes life to turn gray. I just went through something like that myself. At one point I told my husband that it was getting too much to bear and I might not be around much longer. Fortunately there is an ebb and flow to the unseen and the despair passed.
The unseen realm is "easy" for most Christians to talk about because we know that Christ is good and if He's in the unseen, then how can there be darkness? But it's just like this world, there is good and bad. It's so much harder to accept that there is a scary dark thing out there that we humans call 'depression.' I know that some don't accept this. I met people in the first church I ever went to that accepted the good heavenly realms with Christ, but not the darkness that people go through too.
Today I am going to have a hard time homeschooling, exercising, cooking, baking, and seeing Sisters because I know that while all this goes on, there is someone I care about sitting in a hospital fighting the darkness. I don't understand why some people have to fight off the gray bland-ness of depression, but I hate it.
For those of you that read me, but don't understand the difference between normal stress/life induced sadness, and depression... here's the difference in my life. Sadness is feelings. Depression is uncontrollable thoughts of dying along with bouts of despair and absolutely no hope that life will ever be good again.
A very good friend of mine just helped me through my downswing of depression. One of the most helpful things she kept telling me was that it would end soon. Because in this other unseen reality, I couldn't see that it would end. In the "gray world" it seemed like it would go on forever and the only end to it would be death. Chris and I are so grateful to her for not making me feel crazy and reminding us that it would get better.
I was shielded from the "seen" world and from anything else that felt crushing. If I didn't have someone to do that, I would have had to check myself in somewhere.
I know that my blogs have been dark lately. I'll perk up soon enough and start writing again about homeschooling and organic crap, but I am in this place. I also know that there are those with depression who read this, and maybe they don't feel so alone.
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
I'm His
Christ gave his disciples one new commandment right before He went to the cross.
John 13:34 "I give you a new commandment: That you should love one and other just as I have love you, so you too should love one another. By this all men will know you are my disciples..."
In going through a dark, depressed time I have asked my husband over and over again... what does the love look like? It's the lack of what I think love is, that's hurting my heart.
I want human connection. I want another person to desire to talk with me, know me, hug me, or just be with me. My husband and my children give me that. It's a beautiful picture of Christ. But sometimes I want more.
Here's what I think love looks like. I think it's everything Christ did or said. I think it's so much deeper than we could ever comprehend. Love is reaching my arm out and giving to another that can't give back. Love is being kind to everyone, not just our friends. Love is putting myself last, but knowing that in Christ my worth is immeasurable.
I feel so isolated. Being a Christian in this point of my life is the most isolated, lonely thing that I have ever done. But I am doing it to follow Christ(in what that means to me and Chris.) I had friends and groups and playdates and people. I left it all for Him because He called me to a town with people I barely know, but those He wants me with. It's scary. What if I live here for 10 years and don't make a single friend? What if I never get the human connection I feel I need?
I feel the Lord telling me "So what? You follow me."
Following the Lord is hard and scary. I can tell you that I was elated when I began to know and discover Him, but then came the cross. It's easy to love Him when everything is going well and I have friends and a social life, and my husband is home after work, and things were going my way.
I am starting to think that the Lord took away my human connection with everyone but my family so that I could face this cross. Would I still love Him when no one calls for weeks and weeks? Would I still love Him when I open my heart up and get no replies? Would I still love Him when I feel like I will be alone forever and I can't take the pain anymore?
The answer is a YES!! Not only that, but I will love others too. And that's how I'll know I'm His and he hasn't left me. I'll love those who don't know me, those who reject me, and those who the Lord places in my path because He is all that matters.
Even if it stays this way forever, I will love Him.
Thanks for reading,
Jackie
John 13:34 "I give you a new commandment: That you should love one and other just as I have love you, so you too should love one another. By this all men will know you are my disciples..."
In going through a dark, depressed time I have asked my husband over and over again... what does the love look like? It's the lack of what I think love is, that's hurting my heart.
I want human connection. I want another person to desire to talk with me, know me, hug me, or just be with me. My husband and my children give me that. It's a beautiful picture of Christ. But sometimes I want more.
Here's what I think love looks like. I think it's everything Christ did or said. I think it's so much deeper than we could ever comprehend. Love is reaching my arm out and giving to another that can't give back. Love is being kind to everyone, not just our friends. Love is putting myself last, but knowing that in Christ my worth is immeasurable.
I feel so isolated. Being a Christian in this point of my life is the most isolated, lonely thing that I have ever done. But I am doing it to follow Christ(in what that means to me and Chris.) I had friends and groups and playdates and people. I left it all for Him because He called me to a town with people I barely know, but those He wants me with. It's scary. What if I live here for 10 years and don't make a single friend? What if I never get the human connection I feel I need?
I feel the Lord telling me "So what? You follow me."
Following the Lord is hard and scary. I can tell you that I was elated when I began to know and discover Him, but then came the cross. It's easy to love Him when everything is going well and I have friends and a social life, and my husband is home after work, and things were going my way.
I am starting to think that the Lord took away my human connection with everyone but my family so that I could face this cross. Would I still love Him when no one calls for weeks and weeks? Would I still love Him when I open my heart up and get no replies? Would I still love Him when I feel like I will be alone forever and I can't take the pain anymore?
The answer is a YES!! Not only that, but I will love others too. And that's how I'll know I'm His and he hasn't left me. I'll love those who don't know me, those who reject me, and those who the Lord places in my path because He is all that matters.
Even if it stays this way forever, I will love Him.
Thanks for reading,
Jackie
Thursday, September 29, 2011
I'm free and I'm ging on a cruise
I don't care! That's right, I finally don't care about the world, about my problems, about what people like me and what people don't like me. I don't care about being politically correct in order to please politically correct people. Christ is not afraid of me. He's not afraid of my problems and all the scary things about me.
I want to express Him, but I also want to love Him as if He were on the outside of my body too. I like thinking of Him romantically, like a first love.
It's so great to know Him and love Him even through the sadness. And tonight it occur ed to me... not many people like me all that much. I am difficult to get along with(I suppose, why else would I be so alone?) and maybe even awkward. I've had a past that not many people can relate to, so I can understand why I don't form connections with normal people. But I love Christ with all my heart. And I love people too because Christ lives in people. I am not a flesh lover. Friends are of the flesh and I don't really have friends.
I am a Christ lover, passionately! And people have Christ in them. So I love people for that reason alone.
And that has made me free. I can be comfortable in my skin because I don't need approval, I need Him. I need the One who fills me. I need the One who created me to fit inside of Him.
This revelation is not the end of my insecurity, but the beginning of feeling comfortable in my skin and in my life. There will always be those that look down on me because of my parenting, because I am not a good enough wife, or because I am not fitting what they think I should look like. There will always be an opportunity to fall victim to the views of others. I have been crushed under the weight of trying to please the world and the people in the world.
But the Lord has not left me. He is still in me and He will never leave me again.
You may be reading this and thinking that the Lord had never left me in the first place. You may be right, but having a complete nervous breakdown due to depression kinda blocks Him. The will to live was taken and the Lord was nowhere to be found in that. And I'm not afraid of being politically incorrect in saying that.
I have always been somewhat of a loner. I now have the freedom to be that loner. Don't get me wrong, am not going to live a solitary life out in the woods. But I am giving myself permission to have a friend or two and beyond that, not have "friends". I love all people. I love all people because Christ lives in so many and He created all of them. So I love all of them because of how darn much I love Him. But I am going to stop trying so hard to have friends, or try to make people like me. I don't care anymore about people liking me. Truly, the weight has been lifted. But, I love you. Whether you like me or not, I love your socks off!!
Tomorrow is the last day I will be online for a week. My husband is taking me on a cruise. I not packing 1 tee shirt on this trip... all nice non-mom clothes. :)
After that I have a Sisters retreat with ladies that I share Christ with. I a not real sure what sharing Christ means anymore,but looking forward to exploring what it is. Because I want to please Him and I think it would please Him. I don't really know if these ladies like me all that much, but I know they love the Christ in me so I am all in!
I will be back in a week and will have lots of pictures to share and maybe some stories to write about. Hopefully my cruise ship won't sink and hopefully I can flirt so shamelessly with my hubby that he develops a crush on me all over again!
Love,
Jackie
I want to express Him, but I also want to love Him as if He were on the outside of my body too. I like thinking of Him romantically, like a first love.
It's so great to know Him and love Him even through the sadness. And tonight it occur ed to me... not many people like me all that much. I am difficult to get along with(I suppose, why else would I be so alone?) and maybe even awkward. I've had a past that not many people can relate to, so I can understand why I don't form connections with normal people. But I love Christ with all my heart. And I love people too because Christ lives in people. I am not a flesh lover. Friends are of the flesh and I don't really have friends.
I am a Christ lover, passionately! And people have Christ in them. So I love people for that reason alone.
And that has made me free. I can be comfortable in my skin because I don't need approval, I need Him. I need the One who fills me. I need the One who created me to fit inside of Him.
This revelation is not the end of my insecurity, but the beginning of feeling comfortable in my skin and in my life. There will always be those that look down on me because of my parenting, because I am not a good enough wife, or because I am not fitting what they think I should look like. There will always be an opportunity to fall victim to the views of others. I have been crushed under the weight of trying to please the world and the people in the world.
But the Lord has not left me. He is still in me and He will never leave me again.
You may be reading this and thinking that the Lord had never left me in the first place. You may be right, but having a complete nervous breakdown due to depression kinda blocks Him. The will to live was taken and the Lord was nowhere to be found in that. And I'm not afraid of being politically incorrect in saying that.
I have always been somewhat of a loner. I now have the freedom to be that loner. Don't get me wrong, am not going to live a solitary life out in the woods. But I am giving myself permission to have a friend or two and beyond that, not have "friends". I love all people. I love all people because Christ lives in so many and He created all of them. So I love all of them because of how darn much I love Him. But I am going to stop trying so hard to have friends, or try to make people like me. I don't care anymore about people liking me. Truly, the weight has been lifted. But, I love you. Whether you like me or not, I love your socks off!!
Tomorrow is the last day I will be online for a week. My husband is taking me on a cruise. I not packing 1 tee shirt on this trip... all nice non-mom clothes. :)
After that I have a Sisters retreat with ladies that I share Christ with. I a not real sure what sharing Christ means anymore,but looking forward to exploring what it is. Because I want to please Him and I think it would please Him. I don't really know if these ladies like me all that much, but I know they love the Christ in me so I am all in!
I will be back in a week and will have lots of pictures to share and maybe some stories to write about. Hopefully my cruise ship won't sink and hopefully I can flirt so shamelessly with my hubby that he develops a crush on me all over again!
Love,
Jackie
Monday, September 19, 2011
light on darkness
When I was seven years old, something happened in my body and in my mind that changed the way I saw the world forever. I will never forget the moment the wave of sadness covered me. It felt like a heavy blanket was being laid on top of me. In school I would write about being sad and wanting to die. My teachers were alarmed and my parents did everything they could to help me not be sad. Counselors back then didn't know much about childhood depression. It's not much different today.
About 6 months ago I woke up one day and decided that I couldn't deal with anything. I quit everything I was doing and involved in, and I laid around crying for a few weeks. And then it went away and I got better. I had no idea what had happened. Depression was something I dealt with as a child,but never in a million years thought that it followed me into adulthood.
A few weeks ago I began to feel the same strange things. My vision of life and the Lord became clouded. I couldn't see past darkness. It wasn't as if I was trying to look at the worst in people and situations, but I couldn't see the good in anything if my life depended on it. I couldn't stand being in my own skin. I was struggling to find the will to live. Even with Christ as my life, if chemicals in my head, such as serotonin, aren't getting to were they need to go I will stay "under the blanket" of sadness.
So for weeks the sadness has been lingering. And nobody knew because the only words I could get out of my mouth were that I was having a hard time and I was sad. I could never let the words "I want to die" leave my lips. And I began to hate everyone I knew because they got to have the will to live. I would see a lady driving her car down the road and think that she is so lucky because she probably feels some level of hope or joy. It happened over and over. I gained weight, started oversleeping by obnoxious amounts of time, and I was in physical pain.
I started seeing a doctor and was diagnosed with a form of depression. It is a serious kind. Most people that have this aren't able to keep friends or stable relationships. When I read that I instantly became grateful for my husband. I know he would never leave me and that's never been something I've had to worry about.
There is a stigma attached to depression, especially rapid cycling bipolar depression. I was afraid to be crazy. In the past when I would have a breakdown and all the sadness, paranoia, and pain would come crashing down on me at once, I would just leave. Better to leave than have to stay and explain what my problem was.
I have decided that I want to be healthy. I can never get rid of this, but I can learn to manage it. Counseling and medicine and professionals are here to help. I didn't want to seek help because I felt so much guilt about being alive that I didn't want to spend my family's money on counseling. I also didn't think I needed it because I had the Lord. Last week my problems became bigger than my desire to control it my way. Or control it at all.
I am going to be open and honest and never again pretend that I don't suffer with this. If you read this blog and you know me, I am still the same person. I just no longer want to hide that I have depression.
It makes me hard to get along with. It makes me paranoid and therefore, alienated. It makes me irritable, shaky and full of energy and ideas, or low and unable to leave the house. It makes me want to leave everything I know during an upswing in the cycle... including my marriage(like I said, my hubby is amazing) and run away. During a downswing I quit everything in preparation for falling off the grid.
I am blessed to have a few close friends as well as my family, that aren't afraid of my struggles. It reminds me that there is still good in the world.
I plan on taking advantage of this time and writing through it(in a private journal). Some of my best writing has come during times of darkness and recovery. Having decided that I am going to be open about this illness, I feel the weight of the world lifted. Who knows where I'll be a year from now. I just know that I'll be okay. Thanks for reading.
Love,
Jackie
About 6 months ago I woke up one day and decided that I couldn't deal with anything. I quit everything I was doing and involved in, and I laid around crying for a few weeks. And then it went away and I got better. I had no idea what had happened. Depression was something I dealt with as a child,but never in a million years thought that it followed me into adulthood.
A few weeks ago I began to feel the same strange things. My vision of life and the Lord became clouded. I couldn't see past darkness. It wasn't as if I was trying to look at the worst in people and situations, but I couldn't see the good in anything if my life depended on it. I couldn't stand being in my own skin. I was struggling to find the will to live. Even with Christ as my life, if chemicals in my head, such as serotonin, aren't getting to were they need to go I will stay "under the blanket" of sadness.
So for weeks the sadness has been lingering. And nobody knew because the only words I could get out of my mouth were that I was having a hard time and I was sad. I could never let the words "I want to die" leave my lips. And I began to hate everyone I knew because they got to have the will to live. I would see a lady driving her car down the road and think that she is so lucky because she probably feels some level of hope or joy. It happened over and over. I gained weight, started oversleeping by obnoxious amounts of time, and I was in physical pain.
I started seeing a doctor and was diagnosed with a form of depression. It is a serious kind. Most people that have this aren't able to keep friends or stable relationships. When I read that I instantly became grateful for my husband. I know he would never leave me and that's never been something I've had to worry about.
There is a stigma attached to depression, especially rapid cycling bipolar depression. I was afraid to be crazy. In the past when I would have a breakdown and all the sadness, paranoia, and pain would come crashing down on me at once, I would just leave. Better to leave than have to stay and explain what my problem was.
I have decided that I want to be healthy. I can never get rid of this, but I can learn to manage it. Counseling and medicine and professionals are here to help. I didn't want to seek help because I felt so much guilt about being alive that I didn't want to spend my family's money on counseling. I also didn't think I needed it because I had the Lord. Last week my problems became bigger than my desire to control it my way. Or control it at all.
I am going to be open and honest and never again pretend that I don't suffer with this. If you read this blog and you know me, I am still the same person. I just no longer want to hide that I have depression.
It makes me hard to get along with. It makes me paranoid and therefore, alienated. It makes me irritable, shaky and full of energy and ideas, or low and unable to leave the house. It makes me want to leave everything I know during an upswing in the cycle... including my marriage(like I said, my hubby is amazing) and run away. During a downswing I quit everything in preparation for falling off the grid.
I am blessed to have a few close friends as well as my family, that aren't afraid of my struggles. It reminds me that there is still good in the world.
I plan on taking advantage of this time and writing through it(in a private journal). Some of my best writing has come during times of darkness and recovery. Having decided that I am going to be open about this illness, I feel the weight of the world lifted. Who knows where I'll be a year from now. I just know that I'll be okay. Thanks for reading.
Love,
Jackie
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
illness in our bodies and our minds
A natural, physical world exists and a supernatural, or spirit, world exists. The more I come to know Christ the more the lines becomes blurred.
I learned during childbirth just how much power our minds and our will can have over the flesh. The physical act of pain and the supernatural world I remained in, in my spirit, joined and I was able to control the pain with focus of the mind. As a christian that chooses to die to myself and remain in Him, Christ's will is so much more powerful than mine ever was.
I have seen more than once someone have pain and flu symptoms for loooong periods of time while having nothing physically wrong. Completely fine and healthy inside the body, while truly feeling the sensation of pain and nausea. When someone believes they are ill and feels symptoms, then actual illness follows because a healthy lifestyle is not kept up. When the soul and mind aren't fed with time in the sun, time with friends doing things we enjoy, and eating foods we love we will begin to wither. I have also known friends that have been sick in the body, yet totally healthy in the mind and have very few symptoms. My grandmother that just died was extremely ill for a few years and I had no idea. She was a beautiful picture of strength, although I wish she would have let us know so we could support her. As I began to find out more about how she died and the illness she lived with, I am amazed that she was able do everything she did while sick. She was a tough broad.
Something really interesting I noticed a few years ago was the pattern of pain in the last several years of my life. What I am about to write is a testament to the power of the will, the mind, or the Spirit in us.
I have been in physical pain since shortly after Jake was born. It was a difficult and complicated pregnancy. The pain afterwards was often severe and I spent lots of time on the couch or laying on bed. I got surgery to help alleviate some of the discomfort. A week after my surgery Chris had an aneurysm. He was "out of commission" for about 6 months. During that time I had to handle everything... bills, housework, cleaning, cooking, taking care of the kids, driving Chris to and from rehab, caring for Chris(I had to help him shower and get dresses for the first month), and everything else that husbands and wives do to care for a home and family. I was busy, but I did it all and never noticed pain. I didn't have time for pain. The same month Chris became self sufficient and went to work, I started feeling pain in my abdomen. What the heck? I tried hard to pretend that I wasn't hurting. I pretended to be in charge of everything again because maybe I could trick my body. It didn't work. Within 6 months I had a hysterectomy for pain caused by endo and adenomyosis.
I think about that time often. Was it really because I was so busy that my mind was overriding my body and I wasn't having to deal with pain? Was the Lord taking the pain from me because I wouldn't have been able to care for my family? I don't know, but when I feel pain now sometimes I wonder if I just need more to do (just kidding).
I went to the doctor yesterday. I learned how to relax and breathe through painful or difficult episodes. My doctor is big on health, nutrition, yoga, and the avoidance of prescription medication. She was letting me know that stress, depression, and drama will make the sensation of pain feel worse than it is. This is a doctor telling me this. So sickness and pain can absolutely begin in the mind and manifest in the body. Does that make it any less real? Nope. I pray for both the same. When a person is not well we never really know where the origin lies... head, body, or both. When I was a kid I would pretend to be sick so my mom wouldn't send me to school. Whenever I fought with my friends I would want to stay home and nurse my little 6yr old frivolous wounds. My mom knew that I wasn't truly sick, but she would give me attention and affection and lots of love. Just saying I was sick when I wasn't is letting her know that somethings wrong, something isn't well, but it's in my spirit and not so much in my body. I think it's just easier to say we don't feel well in the body.
We are so intricately connected. We can heal ourselves with the faith of a mustard seed and we can also become very sick just by being unwell in the mind and spirit.
I have to end this now, running out of time!
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie
I learned during childbirth just how much power our minds and our will can have over the flesh. The physical act of pain and the supernatural world I remained in, in my spirit, joined and I was able to control the pain with focus of the mind. As a christian that chooses to die to myself and remain in Him, Christ's will is so much more powerful than mine ever was.
I have seen more than once someone have pain and flu symptoms for loooong periods of time while having nothing physically wrong. Completely fine and healthy inside the body, while truly feeling the sensation of pain and nausea. When someone believes they are ill and feels symptoms, then actual illness follows because a healthy lifestyle is not kept up. When the soul and mind aren't fed with time in the sun, time with friends doing things we enjoy, and eating foods we love we will begin to wither. I have also known friends that have been sick in the body, yet totally healthy in the mind and have very few symptoms. My grandmother that just died was extremely ill for a few years and I had no idea. She was a beautiful picture of strength, although I wish she would have let us know so we could support her. As I began to find out more about how she died and the illness she lived with, I am amazed that she was able do everything she did while sick. She was a tough broad.
Something really interesting I noticed a few years ago was the pattern of pain in the last several years of my life. What I am about to write is a testament to the power of the will, the mind, or the Spirit in us.
I have been in physical pain since shortly after Jake was born. It was a difficult and complicated pregnancy. The pain afterwards was often severe and I spent lots of time on the couch or laying on bed. I got surgery to help alleviate some of the discomfort. A week after my surgery Chris had an aneurysm. He was "out of commission" for about 6 months. During that time I had to handle everything... bills, housework, cleaning, cooking, taking care of the kids, driving Chris to and from rehab, caring for Chris(I had to help him shower and get dresses for the first month), and everything else that husbands and wives do to care for a home and family. I was busy, but I did it all and never noticed pain. I didn't have time for pain. The same month Chris became self sufficient and went to work, I started feeling pain in my abdomen. What the heck? I tried hard to pretend that I wasn't hurting. I pretended to be in charge of everything again because maybe I could trick my body. It didn't work. Within 6 months I had a hysterectomy for pain caused by endo and adenomyosis.
I think about that time often. Was it really because I was so busy that my mind was overriding my body and I wasn't having to deal with pain? Was the Lord taking the pain from me because I wouldn't have been able to care for my family? I don't know, but when I feel pain now sometimes I wonder if I just need more to do (just kidding).
I went to the doctor yesterday. I learned how to relax and breathe through painful or difficult episodes. My doctor is big on health, nutrition, yoga, and the avoidance of prescription medication. She was letting me know that stress, depression, and drama will make the sensation of pain feel worse than it is. This is a doctor telling me this. So sickness and pain can absolutely begin in the mind and manifest in the body. Does that make it any less real? Nope. I pray for both the same. When a person is not well we never really know where the origin lies... head, body, or both. When I was a kid I would pretend to be sick so my mom wouldn't send me to school. Whenever I fought with my friends I would want to stay home and nurse my little 6yr old frivolous wounds. My mom knew that I wasn't truly sick, but she would give me attention and affection and lots of love. Just saying I was sick when I wasn't is letting her know that somethings wrong, something isn't well, but it's in my spirit and not so much in my body. I think it's just easier to say we don't feel well in the body.
We are so intricately connected. We can heal ourselves with the faith of a mustard seed and we can also become very sick just by being unwell in the mind and spirit.
I have to end this now, running out of time!
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie
Sunday, September 4, 2011
when the burden is heavy
I admit it. I am overwhelmed a LOT. I have become very busy because I have taken on many things over the years. Some of it has been because of personal beliefs and convictions. Some of it has been convictions from the Lord. I don't regret doing any of the things on my plate. If anything I believe that everything I do and everything the Lord gives me is good. I enjoy my lot in life very much. I know how blessed I am to be at home with my kids. But it doesn't stop me from feeling like I need a break. It doesn't keep me from feeling lonely.
Lately I have been feeling wound up. I keep waiting for a break to come. Usually on the weekend Chris watches the kids while I grocery shop and run on the treadmill. This Saturday I didn't get that. Chris wasn't feeling well so I brought the kids with me. It's hard to enjoy my family because I feel so burdened by the responsibility of taking care of them. Last night I couldn't sleep. I was sad and trying to seek out the Lord to find my strength to keep going. It would be all too easy to break down and just quit. I could quit homeschooling, quit organic church and get my husband back, quit everything that isn't just for me. I just became a direct sales consultant for 31. I have no desire to quit that because it'll get me out of the house without any kids.
In my time with the Lord last night He brought to mind His yoke and encouraged me that it is light. But I don't really know what that means. Why do I feel so burned out and run down?
In the last few days I have been more vocal about what I need. I have let my husband know that I need some time soon. Time for myself. That's hard to do. I don't ever want him to think less of me as a wife. i don't ever want him to think that I can't handle taking care of our home. But I think that the Lord is wanting me to ask for this. I also had another opportunity where I spoke up about a desire I had involving more rest for myself in a situation. I felt like I was going to have a heart attack, but I did it. And it's because I am desperate for what I need. It takes being at the end of myself to reach out and ask for things. And that's where I saw Christ.
It's that way with Him. It takes being thirsty for Him and hungry for Him before seeking Him out violently. A well fed girl isn't going to do whatever she has to in order to get food, but will be more relaxed and willing to wait. Christ is my daily food. When I am in a land that has plenty I can become lazy and unappreciative of Him. When He is sparse in my life, I must look outside of myself and seek Him out.
As I wrap this up I begin to feel the heaviness of the day weighing on me. The hubby is at a race today and so I need to get the kids ready, pack up our games and food and go cheer him on and support him. And after that I may just ask for a break. :)
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie
Lately I have been feeling wound up. I keep waiting for a break to come. Usually on the weekend Chris watches the kids while I grocery shop and run on the treadmill. This Saturday I didn't get that. Chris wasn't feeling well so I brought the kids with me. It's hard to enjoy my family because I feel so burdened by the responsibility of taking care of them. Last night I couldn't sleep. I was sad and trying to seek out the Lord to find my strength to keep going. It would be all too easy to break down and just quit. I could quit homeschooling, quit organic church and get my husband back, quit everything that isn't just for me. I just became a direct sales consultant for 31. I have no desire to quit that because it'll get me out of the house without any kids.
In my time with the Lord last night He brought to mind His yoke and encouraged me that it is light. But I don't really know what that means. Why do I feel so burned out and run down?
In the last few days I have been more vocal about what I need. I have let my husband know that I need some time soon. Time for myself. That's hard to do. I don't ever want him to think less of me as a wife. i don't ever want him to think that I can't handle taking care of our home. But I think that the Lord is wanting me to ask for this. I also had another opportunity where I spoke up about a desire I had involving more rest for myself in a situation. I felt like I was going to have a heart attack, but I did it. And it's because I am desperate for what I need. It takes being at the end of myself to reach out and ask for things. And that's where I saw Christ.
It's that way with Him. It takes being thirsty for Him and hungry for Him before seeking Him out violently. A well fed girl isn't going to do whatever she has to in order to get food, but will be more relaxed and willing to wait. Christ is my daily food. When I am in a land that has plenty I can become lazy and unappreciative of Him. When He is sparse in my life, I must look outside of myself and seek Him out.
As I wrap this up I begin to feel the heaviness of the day weighing on me. The hubby is at a race today and so I need to get the kids ready, pack up our games and food and go cheer him on and support him. And after that I may just ask for a break. :)
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie
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