There is a real person inside, the Life of Christ. This person is becoming infused in me like a tea bag in hot water(not my words, borrowing from a great teacher). It cannot be seperated.
It is Christ that leads me to show kindness and it is only Christ if I ever do anything selfless. There are things that could be perceived as selfless, but if the old man is doing them, those acts are motivated by flesh. The motives are not of Love, but of something else. When the Lord brings us to our end, there is a death and then a resurrection, and then after that there is a new Life that is growing inside like a baby. After receiving this new Life, everything changes and the Life begins to grow and take up more space.
The life of Love inside will compell me to do things I really do not want to do. Things that I will never in a million years get glory for. Every Christian that has this Life inside will be given this new way to live.
This way that seems so hard. But so worth it. The glory is not in any credit we receive, but in knowing that His blood is flowing through us and changing who we are and what we do.
There is a silent sense of safety in this new life. Because it is Christ that is living in Shane(made up person) and Christ that is leading Shane to change and everyday become more like Jesus Himself, than we would be fools to reject Shane or ignore him, or judge him, or any of the other things we do to people.
Now I know this is nothing new here, but I am having a pretty big revelation on the concept that I need to treat every person as though Christ were living inside.
What if someone I didn't know very well, such as Shane, had our Lord living in Him and was carrying out His will in him? And I, not knowing Shane was a Christian because he didn't go to my small group, secretly judged his motives for opening the door for a lady. When all along it was Christ leading Shane to do this. I would have just judged the Master of my Universe. Ouch.
The same thing happens with those I know are walking with the Lord. Sometimes I catch myself judging a motive here or there. Boy, am I dead wrong in doing that. Who's to say that Christ isn't leading the very action I have judged.
Sorry to bring you along on my very simple and long overdue mind journey here.
I hope Christ continues to clear up my head the way He's been doing. So many things are making sense to me now. I enjoy writing about it so I can look back years from now and read about the day I learned it was good to be kind to everyone.
Anyway, thanks for reading.
Love,
Jackie
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Thursday, April 14, 2011
learning to live by Love
This entry comes after a particularly difficult day with my children. I have three boys that are 2, 5, and 7. They bring me so much joy. They are curious, full of love and life, and love me so much that it flatters me sometimes.
Two of my boys have specific needs that go above and beyond the typical parenting day to day duties. One of them struggles to communicate his needs as we all learn to adjust to his alternate way of seeing the world. He is on the autism spectrum.
Another one of my children is so hyperactive that we can't get through half a day before he has hurt himself or his brothers accidentally. He struggles to pay attention long enough to complete a task as simple as putting his shorts on. He is immediately distracted at anything taking more than one step to do.
These are not behavior problems or issues. They have both been progressive and ongoing and I have seen the changes gradually happen before my eyes.
That doesn't mean that I am as understanding or as patient as I would like to be. I research and consult and still find that there is so much unknown about both autism and adhd.
After speaking with someone who had severe adhd as a child, and took medicine for it, I knew that medication was not the route to take for our family. I do not want them to have to deal with the serious side effects that those medicines cause. That is a major reason why we continue to homeschool when times get tough.
As a teacher I can give my sons the time and space they need in order to work at their own pace. I also don't have to be forced into putting them on medication.
One of the less difficult parts of all of this is something I'd like to write about, maybe to help others understand. Many people don't live with someone who lives life with an extra obstacle, but I know many people who do. The ones who do have been a great source of encouragement and comfort to me as I know I am not alone in what I go through each and every day. For as long as I can remember a lot of well meaning friends and family members have tried to give me advice as though my children had behavior issues. I have been offered a lot of creative and great advice, that unfortunately I can't use because I am not parenting children who respond or who need stricter guidelines or more punishment.
Parenting a child is always hard sometimes. Trying to think outside the box when there is a special need can be met with judgement, critism, or even just plain old misunderstanding. As much as I want to be shown mercy by those that don't understand, I am learning to show mercy to them as well. I would always smile politely and take another parent's advice, but unless that parent has a child that deals with autism and adhd on an 'every waking hour' basis, I would secretly be a little angry. As if I was being told I wasn't parenting well enough.
I now know that it was my own insecurities that project those thoughts. People want to be helpful by nature. When a fellow mom or dad sees me struggle, naturally they want to help. That's all. There is no big conspiracy to get me to "keep my kids in line a little better".
As many of you know, lately I have been under the weather. Dealing with health issues that involve pain. Pain that makes me less patient and a heck of a lot more irritable. I am telling myself what I wish I could tell others all the time.
My children are loving and intelligent. They are my full time job right now, as well as I am responsible for all of their education and I take that very seriously.
I am not going to be perfect at it. No mother is, but I am the perfect mother for my children. If they seem "wild" or "cranky", it is not because I don't punish them(believe me I do) or that I don't spend almost every moment on being a mom that tries to think outside the box so that my children have as normal life as possible.
They deal things that I never had to.
I try to be understanding and respectful of that.
And I am also going to be understanding and respectful of those who don't know much about my children. It is one more struggle, but I am finding a new way to live that doesn't require so much energy and effort. The same life that I am trying to teach my children to live by.
I hope that this blog entry shows a little insight as to what a stay at home mom of children with struggles deals with. I know we all deal with struggles, this is one of mine. I am learning and growing each day. And Jesus is good to us.
Love,
Jackie
Two of my boys have specific needs that go above and beyond the typical parenting day to day duties. One of them struggles to communicate his needs as we all learn to adjust to his alternate way of seeing the world. He is on the autism spectrum.
Another one of my children is so hyperactive that we can't get through half a day before he has hurt himself or his brothers accidentally. He struggles to pay attention long enough to complete a task as simple as putting his shorts on. He is immediately distracted at anything taking more than one step to do.
These are not behavior problems or issues. They have both been progressive and ongoing and I have seen the changes gradually happen before my eyes.
That doesn't mean that I am as understanding or as patient as I would like to be. I research and consult and still find that there is so much unknown about both autism and adhd.
After speaking with someone who had severe adhd as a child, and took medicine for it, I knew that medication was not the route to take for our family. I do not want them to have to deal with the serious side effects that those medicines cause. That is a major reason why we continue to homeschool when times get tough.
As a teacher I can give my sons the time and space they need in order to work at their own pace. I also don't have to be forced into putting them on medication.
One of the less difficult parts of all of this is something I'd like to write about, maybe to help others understand. Many people don't live with someone who lives life with an extra obstacle, but I know many people who do. The ones who do have been a great source of encouragement and comfort to me as I know I am not alone in what I go through each and every day. For as long as I can remember a lot of well meaning friends and family members have tried to give me advice as though my children had behavior issues. I have been offered a lot of creative and great advice, that unfortunately I can't use because I am not parenting children who respond or who need stricter guidelines or more punishment.
Parenting a child is always hard sometimes. Trying to think outside the box when there is a special need can be met with judgement, critism, or even just plain old misunderstanding. As much as I want to be shown mercy by those that don't understand, I am learning to show mercy to them as well. I would always smile politely and take another parent's advice, but unless that parent has a child that deals with autism and adhd on an 'every waking hour' basis, I would secretly be a little angry. As if I was being told I wasn't parenting well enough.
I now know that it was my own insecurities that project those thoughts. People want to be helpful by nature. When a fellow mom or dad sees me struggle, naturally they want to help. That's all. There is no big conspiracy to get me to "keep my kids in line a little better".
As many of you know, lately I have been under the weather. Dealing with health issues that involve pain. Pain that makes me less patient and a heck of a lot more irritable. I am telling myself what I wish I could tell others all the time.
My children are loving and intelligent. They are my full time job right now, as well as I am responsible for all of their education and I take that very seriously.
I am not going to be perfect at it. No mother is, but I am the perfect mother for my children. If they seem "wild" or "cranky", it is not because I don't punish them(believe me I do) or that I don't spend almost every moment on being a mom that tries to think outside the box so that my children have as normal life as possible.
They deal things that I never had to.
I try to be understanding and respectful of that.
And I am also going to be understanding and respectful of those who don't know much about my children. It is one more struggle, but I am finding a new way to live that doesn't require so much energy and effort. The same life that I am trying to teach my children to live by.
I hope that this blog entry shows a little insight as to what a stay at home mom of children with struggles deals with. I know we all deal with struggles, this is one of mine. I am learning and growing each day. And Jesus is good to us.
Love,
Jackie
Monday, March 21, 2011
dedicated to...
Today I said goodbye to my grandmom. I had just a few moments to say to her what she meant to me. It was over the phone.
I won't ever get to talk to her again. I won't ever get to hug her or spend time with her again. She had very suddenly fallen ill Saturday and is gone. It is, in my humble opinion, too soon.
What do you say to someone you have loved your whole life who is about to leave her earthly body?
How can I sum up the wonderful way she enriched my life in just a few short moments?
Maybe I should have told her that I admired her strength and her honesty. That I will never forget the long conversation we shared over weekly coffee and cinnamon bread at the diner. Maybe I should have thanked her for the way she opened up to me about love, life, and God at her kitchen table late that one night. Or maybe I should have thanked her for her complete sacrifice of herself in order to care for everyone else in her life. But all I could do was tell her I love her and that I'll always love her.
She was smart and tough and was also loving, caring, and nurturing.
I thought I had at least 10 more years with her and I am devastated that I don't.
This entry is dedicated to my grandmom Peggy, a beautiful soul that will be missed tremendously.
Love,
Jackie
I won't ever get to talk to her again. I won't ever get to hug her or spend time with her again. She had very suddenly fallen ill Saturday and is gone. It is, in my humble opinion, too soon.
What do you say to someone you have loved your whole life who is about to leave her earthly body?
How can I sum up the wonderful way she enriched my life in just a few short moments?
Maybe I should have told her that I admired her strength and her honesty. That I will never forget the long conversation we shared over weekly coffee and cinnamon bread at the diner. Maybe I should have thanked her for the way she opened up to me about love, life, and God at her kitchen table late that one night. Or maybe I should have thanked her for her complete sacrifice of herself in order to care for everyone else in her life. But all I could do was tell her I love her and that I'll always love her.
She was smart and tough and was also loving, caring, and nurturing.
I thought I had at least 10 more years with her and I am devastated that I don't.
This entry is dedicated to my grandmom Peggy, a beautiful soul that will be missed tremendously.
Love,
Jackie
Saturday, March 12, 2011
everything's gonna' be alright
Yesterday I was asked the question, "when are you going to be good again?". Hmm, what a question. I guess the answer depends on the definition of 'good'. When am I going to be able to perform my normal tasks of homemaker without medication? Several weeks, maybe even months.
When Chris went back to work I needed to be able to stand up, walk, and function. That is why I went to see a doctor earlier this week. I am in fact on pain medicine, but it is nothing like the monster I was on and it is the only reason I am able to be up and about. It is also the only reason I am not back in pain management with legal drug dealers.
The withdrawal is now under control with blood pressure lowering medicine and the pain is mostly controlled with the patch on my arm.
Chris and I talked and prayed a lot about how much medicinal help we were willing to take. Our talk got serious the night before he went back to work. The goal is to eventually be free of all medicine. What are the steps to take to reach that goal without Chris having to quit his job to take care of the kids?
This is what we believe the Lord brought us to...
I am not medicine free yet.
I am a heck of a lot closer to being medicine free.
This is a process that looks different than what I would have planned.
So, am I good now? Yeah, I've been good all week, relatively speaking. A lot better than the first ten days when I was jumping out of my skin. I am still jumpy, and weak, and haven't taken on impossible tasks, such as tying my shoes. But I am good.
Have a wonderful day and thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie
When Chris went back to work I needed to be able to stand up, walk, and function. That is why I went to see a doctor earlier this week. I am in fact on pain medicine, but it is nothing like the monster I was on and it is the only reason I am able to be up and about. It is also the only reason I am not back in pain management with legal drug dealers.
The withdrawal is now under control with blood pressure lowering medicine and the pain is mostly controlled with the patch on my arm.
Chris and I talked and prayed a lot about how much medicinal help we were willing to take. Our talk got serious the night before he went back to work. The goal is to eventually be free of all medicine. What are the steps to take to reach that goal without Chris having to quit his job to take care of the kids?
This is what we believe the Lord brought us to...
I am not medicine free yet.
I am a heck of a lot closer to being medicine free.
This is a process that looks different than what I would have planned.
So, am I good now? Yeah, I've been good all week, relatively speaking. A lot better than the first ten days when I was jumping out of my skin. I am still jumpy, and weak, and haven't taken on impossible tasks, such as tying my shoes. But I am good.
Have a wonderful day and thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
wednesday
The days are getting longer and the future looks bleak. I know this is a mind trick due to the lack of endorphins that I no longer produce naturally. My body is going to need a lot of time to heal and to learn to live, and love, and thrive again.
Today something amazing happened... the Lord showed up. I've been getting a little worried because it seems as though He's been MIA lately, but today He showed up.
Through pain, anxiety, and uncontrolled panic the option to go back on my medicine started looking real good to me. Fortunately, my new doc here in Gainesville is knowledgable about my condition and sympathetic to the pains of withdrawal. So I graciously accepted a few of the "helpers" he gave me to aid in my survival through all this. And once I calmed down, a new reality was revealed to me.
I have had tremedous guilt due to the fact that I can't take care of my family. The friends and family that love me have been taking care of my kids, cooking for me, and generally giving us all the support a person can possibly give. Because I can't be the mom and wife and friend and daughter to the people I love, I really want to get better. I hate being the one that needs to be taken care of. I love to nurture and to love on others. I have been feeling shame and guilt that my physical dependence on this drug is preventing me from doing that. And I hate being a burden even though no one has done or said anything to make me think I have been. It doesn't help matters that I am in a never ending nightmare that is showing no signs of easing up. How long will life be pointless?
The revelation...
Today I realized that I am more than my current situation. I, as a single adult person, no longer exist. The Lord is where my identity resides. I have known this for a while, but today I got it on a whole 'nother level. My lack of cleaning, cooking, and mothering right now do not make me a loser despite what I've been telling myself. My identity is in Christ alone. I am doing this for His purposes and for His glory. In that, the smaller things that used to be so important, now have nothing to do with who I am. I am a good mom because I want Christ above all things. It has nothing to do with how well I "take care" of the little ones right now.
I am still suffering through the shaking, chills, pain, panic attacks, and insomnia, but my new doctor has given me some tools to help with those things and so I am hoping that they will relieve me as my body goes through the final waves of withdrawal. I am looking forward to living again. Slow at first, but eventually as a whole person.
Thank you for reading.
Love,
Jackie
Today something amazing happened... the Lord showed up. I've been getting a little worried because it seems as though He's been MIA lately, but today He showed up.
Through pain, anxiety, and uncontrolled panic the option to go back on my medicine started looking real good to me. Fortunately, my new doc here in Gainesville is knowledgable about my condition and sympathetic to the pains of withdrawal. So I graciously accepted a few of the "helpers" he gave me to aid in my survival through all this. And once I calmed down, a new reality was revealed to me.
I have had tremedous guilt due to the fact that I can't take care of my family. The friends and family that love me have been taking care of my kids, cooking for me, and generally giving us all the support a person can possibly give. Because I can't be the mom and wife and friend and daughter to the people I love, I really want to get better. I hate being the one that needs to be taken care of. I love to nurture and to love on others. I have been feeling shame and guilt that my physical dependence on this drug is preventing me from doing that. And I hate being a burden even though no one has done or said anything to make me think I have been. It doesn't help matters that I am in a never ending nightmare that is showing no signs of easing up. How long will life be pointless?
The revelation...
Today I realized that I am more than my current situation. I, as a single adult person, no longer exist. The Lord is where my identity resides. I have known this for a while, but today I got it on a whole 'nother level. My lack of cleaning, cooking, and mothering right now do not make me a loser despite what I've been telling myself. My identity is in Christ alone. I am doing this for His purposes and for His glory. In that, the smaller things that used to be so important, now have nothing to do with who I am. I am a good mom because I want Christ above all things. It has nothing to do with how well I "take care" of the little ones right now.
I am still suffering through the shaking, chills, pain, panic attacks, and insomnia, but my new doctor has given me some tools to help with those things and so I am hoping that they will relieve me as my body goes through the final waves of withdrawal. I am looking forward to living again. Slow at first, but eventually as a whole person.
Thank you for reading.
Love,
Jackie
Sunday, March 6, 2011
blue skies ahead
For the last nine days I have forgone my opiod pain medicine. I wrote on day 5 that the process was going smooth and that it wasn't too bad. I see now that I was simply entering my very, very long and painful detox, not coming out of it. On day 7 all hell broke loose and those familiar feelings of dysphoria and death swept over me in wave after wave. What the h*ll did my doctor have me on that the withdrawal just gets started after a week??!!
Thank God for two things, the support of those that want me to succeed and herb teas.
As tempting as it has been to administer some medicinal relief, knowing that I have so many that are pulling for me to get through this, has helped. Sometimes the support of my friends/family is the ONLY thing keeping me from giving up.
I have been reading blogs of others that have taken this path before me and I can't get any real clear cut answers as to how long this should take... most folks give up at around days 9, 10, 11. Because this is the pivitol moment. The strength to continue is no longer there, but the pain and anxiety still are. I did come across one inspirational thread and the woman began feeling noticably better after 2 weeks. So 2 weeks is my goal now. I just have to make it 5 more days and then it will be easier. Because someone somewhere said so. I will cling to anything at this point.
I know the Lord is with me, but unfortuately it doesn't help one bit while in the pain of withdrawal. At this point the Lord isn't taking this away. The only thing that will is more medicine.
Sorry I couldn't be more :). Just wanted to write.
Love,
Jackie
Thank God for two things, the support of those that want me to succeed and herb teas.
As tempting as it has been to administer some medicinal relief, knowing that I have so many that are pulling for me to get through this, has helped. Sometimes the support of my friends/family is the ONLY thing keeping me from giving up.
I have been reading blogs of others that have taken this path before me and I can't get any real clear cut answers as to how long this should take... most folks give up at around days 9, 10, 11. Because this is the pivitol moment. The strength to continue is no longer there, but the pain and anxiety still are. I did come across one inspirational thread and the woman began feeling noticably better after 2 weeks. So 2 weeks is my goal now. I just have to make it 5 more days and then it will be easier. Because someone somewhere said so. I will cling to anything at this point.
I know the Lord is with me, but unfortuately it doesn't help one bit while in the pain of withdrawal. At this point the Lord isn't taking this away. The only thing that will is more medicine.
Sorry I couldn't be more :). Just wanted to write.
Love,
Jackie
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
freedom
Day 5. It has been 5 days now since I dropped a piece of myself, for good. It is all a part of the dying process... dying so that Christ may live. A while back I weaned myself down off of 12mg of my very potent, very addictive pain medicine. I was able to get all the way down to 4 mg. In that time I did cleanse after cleanse, began eating organic and gluten free, and exercised almost every day. Five days ago I woke up and dosed. It was Friday. All day long I managed to prepare for the long weeks ahead and spend some final moments with my kids before my husband took over as the full time parent.
An opiate withdrawal is a frightening trip. What the physical body goes through is nothing compared to the journey the mind takes. Beginning the trip was liken to entering a dark cave. A woman I met a long time ago told me about the time she was being driven over the bridge to begin her stint at Rikers Island(prison in NY) after being sentenced. The dread she described, as she made her way there, is very similar to dread I feel as I begin a kick. This will by the umteepth time and it never gets any more comfortable. As a kid I went through heroin withdrawal more times than I care to remember. Those were, by far, the darkest days of my life.
And now here I am again as a responsible member of society, as a wife and a homemaker, going through it.
This time has been easier and I have been thinking hard about the reasons why. This time has been easier mentally. I was gearing up for hell on earth and it is just a really, really hard week.
I thank God for that.
I thank Him constantly and I know that Christ is bearing the worst of it in my place. I know He is because I could never have made it to day 5 on my own. This medicine that I was on is a long-term synthetic opioid. What that means is that the medicine binds to the pleasure causing receptors in my brain with a high affinity... lasting much longer than short acting opiates, like heroin or oxycontin for example. The withdrawal, as a result, is harder and much longer. That is why I was on the drug much longer than I wanted to be. I was terrified of this week that I am in right now. So I thought it would be a miracle to be five days away from the almighty O.
And now, it is real. I am actually going to be a person that does not take chronic pain medication. That was such a huge part of me and now that part is dying. Dying is a painful process, but Christ is truly delivering me from the worst of it.
I will try to write more as the days go by.
Love,
Jackie
An opiate withdrawal is a frightening trip. What the physical body goes through is nothing compared to the journey the mind takes. Beginning the trip was liken to entering a dark cave. A woman I met a long time ago told me about the time she was being driven over the bridge to begin her stint at Rikers Island(prison in NY) after being sentenced. The dread she described, as she made her way there, is very similar to dread I feel as I begin a kick. This will by the umteepth time and it never gets any more comfortable. As a kid I went through heroin withdrawal more times than I care to remember. Those were, by far, the darkest days of my life.
And now here I am again as a responsible member of society, as a wife and a homemaker, going through it.
This time has been easier and I have been thinking hard about the reasons why. This time has been easier mentally. I was gearing up for hell on earth and it is just a really, really hard week.
I thank God for that.
I thank Him constantly and I know that Christ is bearing the worst of it in my place. I know He is because I could never have made it to day 5 on my own. This medicine that I was on is a long-term synthetic opioid. What that means is that the medicine binds to the pleasure causing receptors in my brain with a high affinity... lasting much longer than short acting opiates, like heroin or oxycontin for example. The withdrawal, as a result, is harder and much longer. That is why I was on the drug much longer than I wanted to be. I was terrified of this week that I am in right now. So I thought it would be a miracle to be five days away from the almighty O.
And now, it is real. I am actually going to be a person that does not take chronic pain medication. That was such a huge part of me and now that part is dying. Dying is a painful process, but Christ is truly delivering me from the worst of it.
I will try to write more as the days go by.
Love,
Jackie
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