dedicated to...

Today I said goodbye to my grandmom. I had just a few moments to say to her what she meant to me. It was over the phone.
I won't ever get to talk to her again. I won't ever get to hug her or spend time with her again. She had very suddenly fallen ill Saturday and is gone. It is, in my humble opinion, too soon.
What do you say to someone you have loved your whole life who is about to leave her earthly body?
How can I sum up the wonderful way she enriched my life in just a few short moments?
Maybe I should have told her that I admired her strength and her honesty. That I will never forget the long conversation we shared over weekly coffee and cinnamon bread at the diner. Maybe I should have thanked her for the way she opened up to me about love, life, and God at her kitchen table late that one night. Or maybe I should have thanked her for her complete sacrifice of herself in order to care for everyone else in her life. But all I could do was tell her I love her and that I'll always love her.
She was smart and tough and was also loving, caring, and nurturing.
I thought I had at least 10 more years with her and I am devastated that I don't.
This entry is dedicated to my grandmom Peggy, a beautiful soul that will be missed tremendously.
Love,
Jackie

everything's gonna' be alright

Yesterday I was asked the question, "when are you going to be good again?". Hmm, what a question. I guess the answer depends on the definition of 'good'. When am I going to be able to perform my normal tasks of homemaker without medication? Several weeks, maybe even months.
When Chris went back to work I needed to be able to stand up, walk, and function. That is why I went to see a doctor earlier this week. I am in fact on pain medicine, but it is nothing like the monster I was on and it is the only reason I am able to be up and about. It is also the only reason I am not back in pain management with legal drug dealers.
The withdrawal is now under control with blood pressure lowering medicine and the pain is mostly controlled with the patch on my arm.
Chris and I talked and prayed a lot about how much medicinal help we were willing to take. Our talk got serious the night before he went back to work. The goal is to eventually be free of all medicine. What are the steps to take to reach that goal without Chris having to quit his job to take care of the kids?
This is what we believe the Lord brought us to...
I am not medicine free yet.
I am a heck of a lot closer to being medicine free.
This is a process that looks different than what I would have planned.

So, am I good now? Yeah, I've been good all week, relatively speaking. A lot better than the first ten days when I was jumping out of my skin. I am still jumpy, and weak, and haven't taken on impossible tasks, such as tying my shoes. But I am good.
Have a wonderful day and thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie

wednesday

The days are getting longer and the future looks bleak. I know this is a mind trick due to the lack of endorphins that I no longer produce naturally. My body is going to need a lot of time to heal and to learn to live, and love, and thrive again.
Today something amazing happened... the Lord showed up. I've been getting a little worried because it seems as though He's been MIA lately, but today He showed up.
Through pain, anxiety, and uncontrolled panic the option to go back on my medicine started looking real good to me. Fortunately, my new doc here in Gainesville is knowledgable about my condition and sympathetic to the pains of withdrawal. So I graciously accepted a few of the "helpers" he gave me to aid in my survival through all this. And once I calmed down, a new reality was revealed to me.
I have had tremedous guilt due to the fact that I can't take care of my family. The friends and family that love me have been taking care of my kids, cooking for me, and generally giving us all the support a person can possibly give. Because I can't be the mom and wife and friend and daughter to the people I love, I really want to get better. I hate being the one that needs to be taken care of. I love to nurture and to love on others. I have been feeling shame and guilt that my physical dependence on this drug is preventing me from doing that. And I hate being a burden even though no one has done or said anything to make me think I have been. It doesn't help matters that I am in a never ending nightmare that is showing no signs of easing up. How long will life be pointless?
The revelation...
Today I realized that I am more than my current situation. I, as a single adult person, no longer exist. The Lord is where my identity resides. I have known this for a while, but today I got it on a whole 'nother level. My lack of cleaning, cooking, and mothering right now do not make me a loser despite what I've been telling myself. My identity is in Christ alone. I am doing this for His purposes and for His glory. In that, the smaller things that used to be so important, now have nothing to do with who I am. I am a good mom because I want Christ above all things. It has nothing to do with how well I "take care" of the little ones right now.
I am still suffering through the shaking, chills, pain, panic attacks, and insomnia, but my new doctor has given me some tools to help with those things and so I am hoping that they will relieve me as my body goes through the final waves of withdrawal. I am looking forward to living again. Slow at first, but eventually as a whole person.
Thank you for reading.
Love,
Jackie

blue skies ahead

For the last nine days I have forgone my opiod pain medicine. I wrote on day 5 that the process was going smooth and that it wasn't too bad. I see now that I was simply entering my very, very long and painful detox, not coming out of it. On day 7 all hell broke loose and those familiar feelings of dysphoria and death swept over me in wave after wave. What the h*ll did my doctor have me on that the withdrawal just gets started after a week??!!
Thank God for two things, the support of those that want me to succeed and herb teas.
As tempting as it has been to administer some medicinal relief, knowing that I have so many that are pulling for me to get through this, has helped. Sometimes the support of my friends/family is the ONLY thing keeping me from giving up.
I have been reading blogs of others that have taken this path before me and I can't get any real clear cut answers as to how long this should take... most folks give up at around days 9, 10, 11. Because this is the pivitol moment. The strength to continue is no longer there, but the pain and anxiety still are. I did come across one inspirational thread and the woman began feeling noticably better after 2 weeks. So 2 weeks is my goal now. I just have to make it 5 more days and then it will be easier. Because someone somewhere said so. I will cling to anything at this point.
I know the Lord is with me, but unfortuately it doesn't help one bit while in the pain of withdrawal. At this point the Lord isn't taking this away. The only thing that will is more medicine.
Sorry I couldn't be more :). Just wanted to write.
Love,
Jackie

freedom

Day 5. It has been 5 days now since I dropped a piece of myself, for good. It is all a part of the dying process... dying so that Christ may live. A while back I weaned myself down off of 12mg of my very potent, very addictive pain medicine. I was able to get all the way down to 4 mg. In that time I did cleanse after cleanse, began eating organic and gluten free, and exercised almost every day. Five days ago I woke up and dosed. It was Friday. All day long I managed to prepare for the long weeks ahead and spend some final moments with my kids before my husband took over as the full time parent.
An opiate withdrawal is a frightening trip. What the physical body goes through is nothing compared to the journey the mind takes. Beginning the trip was liken to entering a dark cave. A woman I met a long time ago told me about the time she was being driven over the bridge to begin her stint at Rikers Island(prison in NY) after being sentenced. The dread she described, as she made her way there, is very similar to dread I feel as I begin a kick. This will by the umteepth time and it never gets any more comfortable. As a kid I went through heroin withdrawal more times than I care to remember. Those were, by far, the darkest days of my life.
And now here I am again as a responsible member of society, as a wife and a homemaker, going through it.
This time has been easier and I have been thinking hard about the reasons why. This time has been easier mentally. I was gearing up for hell on earth and it is just a really, really hard week.
I thank God for that.
I thank Him constantly and I know that Christ is bearing the worst of it in my place. I know He is because I could never have made it to day 5 on my own. This medicine that I was on is a long-term synthetic opioid. What that means is that the medicine binds to the pleasure causing receptors in my brain with a high affinity... lasting much longer than short acting opiates, like heroin or oxycontin for example. The withdrawal, as a result, is harder and much longer. That is why I was on the drug much longer than I wanted to be. I was terrified of this week that I am in right now. So I thought it would be a miracle to be five days away from the almighty O.
And now, it is real. I am actually going to be a person that does not take chronic pain medication. That was such a huge part of me and now that part is dying. Dying is a painful process, but Christ is truly delivering me from the worst of it.
I will try to write more as the days go by.
Love,
Jackie

He is all

When I was a part of an institutional church and after I left, I felt the need to blog my thoughts on Christ all the time. Most of the revelations I shared were controversial and I knew would ruffle feathers, but I really enjoyed the conversation and knowledge I'd gained by others comments and insights. Once I became a part of a organic church, once I began to grow in Christ organically, I stopped writing my blogs as much. It's not that I don't have anything to write, if anything there is more to write about now. It's just that Christ has become so incredibly big in the last couple of months, I wouldn't even know where to start. It's embarrassing what little space the Lord was given, now that I know He is in everything.
Every single particle of every bit of life we see cries out for its Maker, just like we do. I didn't know that it was possible to know Him closely and go deep into Him the way that I am.
At the last church I attended a pastor stepped on stage and told the congregation, "Some people say we don't go deep enough. When you become sinless, then talk to me about going deeper". As if to go deeper into Christ, we ourselves have to become sinless. Unfortunately this was what I thought for most of my Christian life. I know folks who are not believers and won't become believers because they fear they won't be able to live the harshly judged life that most Christians live under. For years I thought I was backslidden because I continued to sin. I couldn't stop. I would try so hard to be perfect and if I had a bad week I must be backslidden.
Our Lord is so much larger than those issues. A rush of excitement goes through me as I think about Him being the Alpha and the Omega... and we are in Him!
A Sister in Christ said something beautiful several weeks ago that I want to share. When I became a Christian, I thought that the Lord gave my individual life the power to go on forever. What this Sister shared was that we have been given a portion of Christ, His life inside. And that is the Life that goes on forever... we join with Him in His eternal life.
Churches throughout the years have been expressing His life as it flows from the Head down. We are discovering Him as we become the priesthood that He had said we are. Saints receive the revelation that He gives to those who seek to live the sacrificial and uncomfortable life of dying to themselves. And we have only begun to scratch the surface.
We have no power apart from Him. We don't even have the power to choose Him without the Spirit's leading. His grandness and vastness goes far beyond politics and issues to write about. I think that is why I find it so hard these days to blog about anything other than how wonderful the Lord is. Hopefully He will give me topics to blog about because I did enjoy it and I don't want to stop, but right now He is all I can think about.
Thanks for reading.
Jackie

are we not praying hard enough?

The last several months of my life have been filled with healing. That seems to happen when I draw near to the Lord particularly. Same with my husband. After 40 days of a Daniel fast he no longer needed major brain surgery(we found out he was healed as we went in for his pre-op appointment). The Lord blows me away constantly. It's not that I don't believe He can heal, I just wonder sometimes why He waits so long. Sometimes He does it quickly and sometimes it takes a while. Paul of Tarsus lived his whole life with a thorn in his side and I doubt it was due to a lack of faith.
As most of you who read my blog know, I recently went through a very long, excruciating process to wean off my medicine(highly addictive pain med). The Lord wants me healed and I had been prayed over, I claimed healing, I believed with all my heart that my pain would be gone(that was the only way I got through it), I envisioned healing, I tried everything. Unfortunately, I still could not move because of the pain after all that suffering. Did the Lord not want me healed? Of course not. Then why if I did everything that I could to do the 'footwork' was I not healed? I don't know. But, He is still Lord and His timing IS perfect.
I know several godly, faith filled people who are not healed yet. I also know of godly people who have died. Were they not trying hard enough to get well? The fact is, we live in a fallen world that includes pain and suffering and death and healings all the time.
For a while I thought that I was not healed of my endo/adeno/bladder pain because I didn't believe hard enough. As if the Lord can only do so much and then it's up to me to believe. That is what the world and religion tell us and it made me a failure by their standards.
If the Lord heals us, wonderful! He has done many big miracles and saved my hubby's life with some of them. If He doesn't, despite all our best efforts, He still loves us and still wants healing for us. Sometimes really bad things happen and we can't pray them away(I've tried). Sometimes I needed to turn to Him in the face of adversity instead of trying to avoid it.
If we have done all we can to get and remain healthy, and we are still sick, God is still God and we thank Him for everything.
Thanks for Reading!
Love,
Jackie