For the last nine days I have forgone my opiod pain medicine. I wrote on day 5 that the process was going smooth and that it wasn't too bad. I see now that I was simply entering my very, very long and painful detox, not coming out of it. On day 7 all hell broke loose and those familiar feelings of dysphoria and death swept over me in wave after wave. What the h*ll did my doctor have me on that the withdrawal just gets started after a week??!!
Thank God for two things, the support of those that want me to succeed and herb teas.
As tempting as it has been to administer some medicinal relief, knowing that I have so many that are pulling for me to get through this, has helped. Sometimes the support of my friends/family is the ONLY thing keeping me from giving up.
I have been reading blogs of others that have taken this path before me and I can't get any real clear cut answers as to how long this should take... most folks give up at around days 9, 10, 11. Because this is the pivitol moment. The strength to continue is no longer there, but the pain and anxiety still are. I did come across one inspirational thread and the woman began feeling noticably better after 2 weeks. So 2 weeks is my goal now. I just have to make it 5 more days and then it will be easier. Because someone somewhere said so. I will cling to anything at this point.
I know the Lord is with me, but unfortuately it doesn't help one bit while in the pain of withdrawal. At this point the Lord isn't taking this away. The only thing that will is more medicine.
Sorry I couldn't be more :). Just wanted to write.
Love,
Jackie
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
freedom
Day 5. It has been 5 days now since I dropped a piece of myself, for good. It is all a part of the dying process... dying so that Christ may live. A while back I weaned myself down off of 12mg of my very potent, very addictive pain medicine. I was able to get all the way down to 4 mg. In that time I did cleanse after cleanse, began eating organic and gluten free, and exercised almost every day. Five days ago I woke up and dosed. It was Friday. All day long I managed to prepare for the long weeks ahead and spend some final moments with my kids before my husband took over as the full time parent.
An opiate withdrawal is a frightening trip. What the physical body goes through is nothing compared to the journey the mind takes. Beginning the trip was liken to entering a dark cave. A woman I met a long time ago told me about the time she was being driven over the bridge to begin her stint at Rikers Island(prison in NY) after being sentenced. The dread she described, as she made her way there, is very similar to dread I feel as I begin a kick. This will by the umteepth time and it never gets any more comfortable. As a kid I went through heroin withdrawal more times than I care to remember. Those were, by far, the darkest days of my life.
And now here I am again as a responsible member of society, as a wife and a homemaker, going through it.
This time has been easier and I have been thinking hard about the reasons why. This time has been easier mentally. I was gearing up for hell on earth and it is just a really, really hard week.
I thank God for that.
I thank Him constantly and I know that Christ is bearing the worst of it in my place. I know He is because I could never have made it to day 5 on my own. This medicine that I was on is a long-term synthetic opioid. What that means is that the medicine binds to the pleasure causing receptors in my brain with a high affinity... lasting much longer than short acting opiates, like heroin or oxycontin for example. The withdrawal, as a result, is harder and much longer. That is why I was on the drug much longer than I wanted to be. I was terrified of this week that I am in right now. So I thought it would be a miracle to be five days away from the almighty O.
And now, it is real. I am actually going to be a person that does not take chronic pain medication. That was such a huge part of me and now that part is dying. Dying is a painful process, but Christ is truly delivering me from the worst of it.
I will try to write more as the days go by.
Love,
Jackie
An opiate withdrawal is a frightening trip. What the physical body goes through is nothing compared to the journey the mind takes. Beginning the trip was liken to entering a dark cave. A woman I met a long time ago told me about the time she was being driven over the bridge to begin her stint at Rikers Island(prison in NY) after being sentenced. The dread she described, as she made her way there, is very similar to dread I feel as I begin a kick. This will by the umteepth time and it never gets any more comfortable. As a kid I went through heroin withdrawal more times than I care to remember. Those were, by far, the darkest days of my life.
And now here I am again as a responsible member of society, as a wife and a homemaker, going through it.
This time has been easier and I have been thinking hard about the reasons why. This time has been easier mentally. I was gearing up for hell on earth and it is just a really, really hard week.
I thank God for that.
I thank Him constantly and I know that Christ is bearing the worst of it in my place. I know He is because I could never have made it to day 5 on my own. This medicine that I was on is a long-term synthetic opioid. What that means is that the medicine binds to the pleasure causing receptors in my brain with a high affinity... lasting much longer than short acting opiates, like heroin or oxycontin for example. The withdrawal, as a result, is harder and much longer. That is why I was on the drug much longer than I wanted to be. I was terrified of this week that I am in right now. So I thought it would be a miracle to be five days away from the almighty O.
And now, it is real. I am actually going to be a person that does not take chronic pain medication. That was such a huge part of me and now that part is dying. Dying is a painful process, but Christ is truly delivering me from the worst of it.
I will try to write more as the days go by.
Love,
Jackie
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
He is all
When I was a part of an institutional church and after I left, I felt the need to blog my thoughts on Christ all the time. Most of the revelations I shared were controversial and I knew would ruffle feathers, but I really enjoyed the conversation and knowledge I'd gained by others comments and insights. Once I became a part of a organic church, once I began to grow in Christ organically, I stopped writing my blogs as much. It's not that I don't have anything to write, if anything there is more to write about now. It's just that Christ has become so incredibly big in the last couple of months, I wouldn't even know where to start. It's embarrassing what little space the Lord was given, now that I know He is in everything.
Every single particle of every bit of life we see cries out for its Maker, just like we do. I didn't know that it was possible to know Him closely and go deep into Him the way that I am.
At the last church I attended a pastor stepped on stage and told the congregation, "Some people say we don't go deep enough. When you become sinless, then talk to me about going deeper". As if to go deeper into Christ, we ourselves have to become sinless. Unfortunately this was what I thought for most of my Christian life. I know folks who are not believers and won't become believers because they fear they won't be able to live the harshly judged life that most Christians live under. For years I thought I was backslidden because I continued to sin. I couldn't stop. I would try so hard to be perfect and if I had a bad week I must be backslidden.
Our Lord is so much larger than those issues. A rush of excitement goes through me as I think about Him being the Alpha and the Omega... and we are in Him!
A Sister in Christ said something beautiful several weeks ago that I want to share. When I became a Christian, I thought that the Lord gave my individual life the power to go on forever. What this Sister shared was that we have been given a portion of Christ, His life inside. And that is the Life that goes on forever... we join with Him in His eternal life.
Churches throughout the years have been expressing His life as it flows from the Head down. We are discovering Him as we become the priesthood that He had said we are. Saints receive the revelation that He gives to those who seek to live the sacrificial and uncomfortable life of dying to themselves. And we have only begun to scratch the surface.
We have no power apart from Him. We don't even have the power to choose Him without the Spirit's leading. His grandness and vastness goes far beyond politics and issues to write about. I think that is why I find it so hard these days to blog about anything other than how wonderful the Lord is. Hopefully He will give me topics to blog about because I did enjoy it and I don't want to stop, but right now He is all I can think about.
Thanks for reading.
Jackie
Every single particle of every bit of life we see cries out for its Maker, just like we do. I didn't know that it was possible to know Him closely and go deep into Him the way that I am.
At the last church I attended a pastor stepped on stage and told the congregation, "Some people say we don't go deep enough. When you become sinless, then talk to me about going deeper". As if to go deeper into Christ, we ourselves have to become sinless. Unfortunately this was what I thought for most of my Christian life. I know folks who are not believers and won't become believers because they fear they won't be able to live the harshly judged life that most Christians live under. For years I thought I was backslidden because I continued to sin. I couldn't stop. I would try so hard to be perfect and if I had a bad week I must be backslidden.
Our Lord is so much larger than those issues. A rush of excitement goes through me as I think about Him being the Alpha and the Omega... and we are in Him!
A Sister in Christ said something beautiful several weeks ago that I want to share. When I became a Christian, I thought that the Lord gave my individual life the power to go on forever. What this Sister shared was that we have been given a portion of Christ, His life inside. And that is the Life that goes on forever... we join with Him in His eternal life.
Churches throughout the years have been expressing His life as it flows from the Head down. We are discovering Him as we become the priesthood that He had said we are. Saints receive the revelation that He gives to those who seek to live the sacrificial and uncomfortable life of dying to themselves. And we have only begun to scratch the surface.
We have no power apart from Him. We don't even have the power to choose Him without the Spirit's leading. His grandness and vastness goes far beyond politics and issues to write about. I think that is why I find it so hard these days to blog about anything other than how wonderful the Lord is. Hopefully He will give me topics to blog about because I did enjoy it and I don't want to stop, but right now He is all I can think about.
Thanks for reading.
Jackie
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
are we not praying hard enough?
The last several months of my life have been filled with healing. That seems to happen when I draw near to the Lord particularly. Same with my husband. After 40 days of a Daniel fast he no longer needed major brain surgery(we found out he was healed as we went in for his pre-op appointment). The Lord blows me away constantly. It's not that I don't believe He can heal, I just wonder sometimes why He waits so long. Sometimes He does it quickly and sometimes it takes a while. Paul of Tarsus lived his whole life with a thorn in his side and I doubt it was due to a lack of faith.
As most of you who read my blog know, I recently went through a very long, excruciating process to wean off my medicine(highly addictive pain med). The Lord wants me healed and I had been prayed over, I claimed healing, I believed with all my heart that my pain would be gone(that was the only way I got through it), I envisioned healing, I tried everything. Unfortunately, I still could not move because of the pain after all that suffering. Did the Lord not want me healed? Of course not. Then why if I did everything that I could to do the 'footwork' was I not healed? I don't know. But, He is still Lord and His timing IS perfect.
I know several godly, faith filled people who are not healed yet. I also know of godly people who have died. Were they not trying hard enough to get well? The fact is, we live in a fallen world that includes pain and suffering and death and healings all the time.
For a while I thought that I was not healed of my endo/adeno/bladder pain because I didn't believe hard enough. As if the Lord can only do so much and then it's up to me to believe. That is what the world and religion tell us and it made me a failure by their standards.
If the Lord heals us, wonderful! He has done many big miracles and saved my hubby's life with some of them. If He doesn't, despite all our best efforts, He still loves us and still wants healing for us. Sometimes really bad things happen and we can't pray them away(I've tried). Sometimes I needed to turn to Him in the face of adversity instead of trying to avoid it.
If we have done all we can to get and remain healthy, and we are still sick, God is still God and we thank Him for everything.
Thanks for Reading!
Love,
Jackie
As most of you who read my blog know, I recently went through a very long, excruciating process to wean off my medicine(highly addictive pain med). The Lord wants me healed and I had been prayed over, I claimed healing, I believed with all my heart that my pain would be gone(that was the only way I got through it), I envisioned healing, I tried everything. Unfortunately, I still could not move because of the pain after all that suffering. Did the Lord not want me healed? Of course not. Then why if I did everything that I could to do the 'footwork' was I not healed? I don't know. But, He is still Lord and His timing IS perfect.
I know several godly, faith filled people who are not healed yet. I also know of godly people who have died. Were they not trying hard enough to get well? The fact is, we live in a fallen world that includes pain and suffering and death and healings all the time.
For a while I thought that I was not healed of my endo/adeno/bladder pain because I didn't believe hard enough. As if the Lord can only do so much and then it's up to me to believe. That is what the world and religion tell us and it made me a failure by their standards.
If the Lord heals us, wonderful! He has done many big miracles and saved my hubby's life with some of them. If He doesn't, despite all our best efforts, He still loves us and still wants healing for us. Sometimes really bad things happen and we can't pray them away(I've tried). Sometimes I needed to turn to Him in the face of adversity instead of trying to avoid it.
If we have done all we can to get and remain healthy, and we are still sick, God is still God and we thank Him for everything.
Thanks for Reading!
Love,
Jackie
Monday, November 29, 2010
Even though...
Even though times are hard there is so much joy in Christ's life. Discovering each day what it means to turn to Christ is irritatingly hard. Everything I thought I knew about my faith was thrown out the window the day I decided to follow Him outside of the institutional church.
It hits me at some point several times throughout the day that I am in Him, I am following Him, and I have finally, finally found Him. When I became a Christian there was so much joy. There was a lot of pain and suffering(I was in year long a rehabilitation program), but there was most of all joy. Now, 13 years later, I have been returned to Him. I have finally been given back the joy that comes only through knowing Christ.
I used to read that scripture that talks about seeking Him with all my heart and when I seek Him with all my heart then I will find Him. I sought Him with all my heart for what felt like an eternity without knowing if I was 'finding' Him. I didn't know what it would be like to find Him. Would I get really spiritual? Would life hurt less?
What I learned most in finding Him is that He is not hiding and it's not hard to find Him. If I am desperate enough. I didn't find Him so much as I found that He is always within.
Chris and I are struggling right now in so many unspeakable ways. But we have Christ at the heart of our marriage and our lives. He heals us and guides us. Above all else, we have joy. We have such deep joy in Christ. When I realized that recently, it hit me that I have finally found Him! All of that seeking Him and all I had to do was open my eyes to see that He never went anywhere.
I was seeking Him and found freedom. He is freedom. I was seeking Him and found joy. He is joy. I was seeking Him and found fullness in every little detail of my life... He is that fullness.
In seeking Him I have become less. It is no longer I who do the things that I once claimed glory for. It truly is Christ who lives and is the goodness that fills my soul.
So... even though life is difficult to the ninth power right now, His joy is un-freakin'-shakable.
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie
It hits me at some point several times throughout the day that I am in Him, I am following Him, and I have finally, finally found Him. When I became a Christian there was so much joy. There was a lot of pain and suffering(I was in year long a rehabilitation program), but there was most of all joy. Now, 13 years later, I have been returned to Him. I have finally been given back the joy that comes only through knowing Christ.
I used to read that scripture that talks about seeking Him with all my heart and when I seek Him with all my heart then I will find Him. I sought Him with all my heart for what felt like an eternity without knowing if I was 'finding' Him. I didn't know what it would be like to find Him. Would I get really spiritual? Would life hurt less?
What I learned most in finding Him is that He is not hiding and it's not hard to find Him. If I am desperate enough. I didn't find Him so much as I found that He is always within.
Chris and I are struggling right now in so many unspeakable ways. But we have Christ at the heart of our marriage and our lives. He heals us and guides us. Above all else, we have joy. We have such deep joy in Christ. When I realized that recently, it hit me that I have finally found Him! All of that seeking Him and all I had to do was open my eyes to see that He never went anywhere.
I was seeking Him and found freedom. He is freedom. I was seeking Him and found joy. He is joy. I was seeking Him and found fullness in every little detail of my life... He is that fullness.
In seeking Him I have become less. It is no longer I who do the things that I once claimed glory for. It truly is Christ who lives and is the goodness that fills my soul.
So... even though life is difficult to the ninth power right now, His joy is un-freakin'-shakable.
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie
Sunday, November 14, 2010
His Way
Ahhh, the joy of dying to self... and the pain that comes along with it.
Letting go of all the expectations that have been in my heart is frustrating. Realizing that Christ is my everything when I want nothing more than to focus on my emotions, is hard.
It is Christ that surrounds me and that is the reason for my every breath. I say His name in each breath. Yahweh. As I contemplate knowing His desires and His heart I wonder why I still worry about earthly life. There is nothing big facing me right now. I love my home and the people that I see each day. I love the women that the Lord has made into my band of Sisters. I love that the Lord has answered my prayer and given my a closer relationship and more patience with my kids.
As you can see I have the best of life!
What I have not learned yet is to ignore the discontentment in others. I am not talking about the needs or feelings of people, but the rude actions of others. Being rude is a way of life in our culture today. It is encouraged everywhere. And for some reason, I still get hurt feelings by it.
Even as I type this I am seeing that I expect too much. I am learning to live by Christ's life. The same love that rescued the earth is dwelling inside of me and ministering to me, teaching me how to live. That is amazing! That is how the Lord designed it to work. So where does hurt feelings fit into all of this?
I suppose this is where I lay down my hurt feelings and acknowledge they are there, but that I am choosing Christ instead. Lord Jesus Christ is living on the earth today in His people and I am choosing Him. I cannot force another to choose Him, I can only look to Him myself.
These are painful lessons and all new to this Saint. As I end this, let me just say how much I love life right now, even as I lay it all down. I love being in Gainesville so much. The Body life with Brothers and Sisters in the Lord is an answer to prayer. It is what I've been seeking for all my years as a Christian. I love to watch the Lord get what He wants and be our Life.
Everything is a testament to Him and the glory is all His, that's what this daily death is all about.
Thanks for reading,
Jackie
Letting go of all the expectations that have been in my heart is frustrating. Realizing that Christ is my everything when I want nothing more than to focus on my emotions, is hard.
It is Christ that surrounds me and that is the reason for my every breath. I say His name in each breath. Yahweh. As I contemplate knowing His desires and His heart I wonder why I still worry about earthly life. There is nothing big facing me right now. I love my home and the people that I see each day. I love the women that the Lord has made into my band of Sisters. I love that the Lord has answered my prayer and given my a closer relationship and more patience with my kids.
As you can see I have the best of life!
What I have not learned yet is to ignore the discontentment in others. I am not talking about the needs or feelings of people, but the rude actions of others. Being rude is a way of life in our culture today. It is encouraged everywhere. And for some reason, I still get hurt feelings by it.
Even as I type this I am seeing that I expect too much. I am learning to live by Christ's life. The same love that rescued the earth is dwelling inside of me and ministering to me, teaching me how to live. That is amazing! That is how the Lord designed it to work. So where does hurt feelings fit into all of this?
I suppose this is where I lay down my hurt feelings and acknowledge they are there, but that I am choosing Christ instead. Lord Jesus Christ is living on the earth today in His people and I am choosing Him. I cannot force another to choose Him, I can only look to Him myself.
These are painful lessons and all new to this Saint. As I end this, let me just say how much I love life right now, even as I lay it all down. I love being in Gainesville so much. The Body life with Brothers and Sisters in the Lord is an answer to prayer. It is what I've been seeking for all my years as a Christian. I love to watch the Lord get what He wants and be our Life.
Everything is a testament to Him and the glory is all His, that's what this daily death is all about.
Thanks for reading,
Jackie
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
one new man
My, Christ is big. Big enough that He gets into places in my heart I never wanted Him to go into, until now. He is all truth and meaning in my life, but to get here I didn't have to seek Him out the way I thought I needed to. I tried for so many years to let the Christian part of me overpower the 'flesh' part of me. I had my 'church' friends, my friends not from church, and my family. All these different groups of people that I could be a different version of myself with each group. I had my Christian 'heart' or personality, and then I had my flesh one. I was one or the other at any point in time.
Something amazing is happening in my soul. The two parts are becoming one person and it's because Christ has my full persmission to enter into me completely.
I am complete in Him. Totally complete. That means that no matter how long I live, how much ministry I engage in, how much Scripture I learn, how much theology I study, and how may hours I spend praying I will never get beyond Christ. It doesn't get any better than Christ.
Before letting go of religion, I had been learning all these methods and tricks. How to pray, how to seek Him, how to this and that. All I need is Him. Now I have heard some argue that 'we need certain ministries or certain ministry positions'. I don't. All I need is Christ. I actually do have authority over me, as we all do. But my authority shares Christ and only Christ and does not fill a paid position. He does not 'peddle the Word for profit' as Paul would say. I like that the leaders in my life arise naturally. They are never appointed a position. I like that the leaders in my life share Christ with me and never try to 'teach' me things. I see that this is also what the New Testament believers had as well.
When I look to Christ instead of my Brothers and my Sisters, I actually end up finding Him in them. It is hard to be anything other than humble when I am seeing Christ in another human. Instead of Christ simply 'bringing out the Christ in me' he is forming Christ in me. As He is being formed in me, it's easy to allow Him access to my whole heart.
Another thing I want to mention is that I am pretty perceptive as most women are. I can almost always tell when a little manipulating/deceiving is going on even though I just smile and politely act as if I don't know. This has made me kind of a paraniod person. What I am noticing lately is that Christ is allowing me to see the good, see Him, in His children. When there is no other agenda than Christ, I know that I am not going to be manipulated, stepped on, taken advantage of, or lied to. Not to say that my feelings won't ever get hurt by another, but I don't have to worry about agendas. By agendas, I mean money(like, a paid postition), power(leadership positions to be filled), personal pride(wanting to be the big fish), and standard jealousy(she's going to be liked more than me, then I will be forgotten). I have come across all these agendas in institutional church and my reaction has been to back down and hide away. I was never after a postition or a coveted spot in a clique. To be honest those things destracted me and made me wonder why I even stepped into a church in the first place. I want Christ, not programs and people with positions. So now I am out of the institutional church. I don't have a pastor or a spot I need to work to fill in the church. I have Christ. I have others who are so infatuated and engulfed in Christ that I couldn't imagine ever having time for positions and organized religion.
So this is what it is like to be in a relationship with Him for me. I no longer am seperate people with each group I am with. I am a girl who is learning that Christ dwells within and that I have freedom to embrace Him in others and to share Him with others as well.
Thanks for reading.
He Lives In Me,
Jackie
Something amazing is happening in my soul. The two parts are becoming one person and it's because Christ has my full persmission to enter into me completely.
I am complete in Him. Totally complete. That means that no matter how long I live, how much ministry I engage in, how much Scripture I learn, how much theology I study, and how may hours I spend praying I will never get beyond Christ. It doesn't get any better than Christ.
Before letting go of religion, I had been learning all these methods and tricks. How to pray, how to seek Him, how to this and that. All I need is Him. Now I have heard some argue that 'we need certain ministries or certain ministry positions'. I don't. All I need is Christ. I actually do have authority over me, as we all do. But my authority shares Christ and only Christ and does not fill a paid position. He does not 'peddle the Word for profit' as Paul would say. I like that the leaders in my life arise naturally. They are never appointed a position. I like that the leaders in my life share Christ with me and never try to 'teach' me things. I see that this is also what the New Testament believers had as well.
When I look to Christ instead of my Brothers and my Sisters, I actually end up finding Him in them. It is hard to be anything other than humble when I am seeing Christ in another human. Instead of Christ simply 'bringing out the Christ in me' he is forming Christ in me. As He is being formed in me, it's easy to allow Him access to my whole heart.
Another thing I want to mention is that I am pretty perceptive as most women are. I can almost always tell when a little manipulating/deceiving is going on even though I just smile and politely act as if I don't know. This has made me kind of a paraniod person. What I am noticing lately is that Christ is allowing me to see the good, see Him, in His children. When there is no other agenda than Christ, I know that I am not going to be manipulated, stepped on, taken advantage of, or lied to. Not to say that my feelings won't ever get hurt by another, but I don't have to worry about agendas. By agendas, I mean money(like, a paid postition), power(leadership positions to be filled), personal pride(wanting to be the big fish), and standard jealousy(she's going to be liked more than me, then I will be forgotten). I have come across all these agendas in institutional church and my reaction has been to back down and hide away. I was never after a postition or a coveted spot in a clique. To be honest those things destracted me and made me wonder why I even stepped into a church in the first place. I want Christ, not programs and people with positions. So now I am out of the institutional church. I don't have a pastor or a spot I need to work to fill in the church. I have Christ. I have others who are so infatuated and engulfed in Christ that I couldn't imagine ever having time for positions and organized religion.
So this is what it is like to be in a relationship with Him for me. I no longer am seperate people with each group I am with. I am a girl who is learning that Christ dwells within and that I have freedom to embrace Him in others and to share Him with others as well.
Thanks for reading.
He Lives In Me,
Jackie
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