what it is...

It's been a bit since I've written so I'll start by catching you up on life's latest doings...
Last week was my Sister's retreat. I was able to go to a beautiful state park in Georgia with a group of women I am coming to call my family. Christ was there in each of my Sisters. One day I will be there too, but not yet. I am too messed up right now. I love Christ and I know that He lives in me, but my flesh is always in the way of expressing His life.
I don't feel up for the tiresome task of completing my detox/withdrawal/cleansing. My body is confused. My mind is disoriented. I must "gear myself up" for each round of leveling down. I am at a place right now where I should probably wean down another half milligram, but I am still feeling pain and residual withdrawal from the last taper a week ago. Chris and I did the math last night and calculated that I have enough medication to last me another 6 months+ if I chose to stay on it. Those numbers really don't make me want to do this as quickly as I have been. If I wean down using the recommended schedule, I will feel very little illness. Unfortunately, I don't believe that's what the Lord wants from me.
His wisdom is something that I used to acquire like little tidbits here and there when I had enough quiet meditation and prayer time with the Father. Something has changed in my life and wisdom is being imparted daily, hourly sometimes. It is the greater revelation of knowing who He is sans religion. It is also the prayers of my righteous fellow man that is allowing me to hear Him clearly. I know that I need to be off this medicine quickly. I know the Lord wants this for me.
I am praying that His strength will indwell and inhabit my body as well. As I sit here typing this, pain is swelling in my back and wrapping around to my sides, then my abdomin. I have to wonder, if I can completely let go of myself and have total communion with my Lord, will the pain be miniscule? A minor annoyance rather than a crippling thorn in my side?
Not too much new here... just getting tired, while at the same time hopeful for little things. I want to be excited about homeschooling like I was just a couple of months ago. Getting off these meds requires my total attention and devotion. It's hard to even have a two way conversation when I am concentrating every moment on not doing exsacly what my body needs for relief. I am also excited to experience Christ as the Body. I have always loved and understood Him as the Godhead, but I have never known and loved Him as the Body. That is the fullness of the Lord. I see it. I am an outsider looking in right now. I am excited that one day I will be a part of that Body, one that it present and clear minded, without narcotics running through my blood. I am also excited about health. I have been detoxing my body of all toxins, not just my medicine. Chris and I are both doing a 2 month long colon cleanse as well as a full body detox program. We are using DrNatura's formula, a little pricey, but supposidly the best. I am excited to live with a clean body, mind, and soul.
Thanks for reading.
Jesus is Awesome,
Jackie

above the rain clouds

This blog has been on my heart to write for a while now. The kids are sleeping, laundry's done, grocery shopping's done, and I feel the Lord leading me to write. So here it goes...
Sometimes people come along into my life that tend to tear down. By tear down, I mean pointless critizism as opposed to healthy critizism, or backhanded compliments, or simply trying to play games. Now, I am not as tough as I used to be, but I still know how to deal with these types of people. Usually it is someone who is not stable in anyway or has a dark cloud always overhead. I figure out if a character is shady/not shady this way... I have 3 amazing brothers. These guys really are the greatest people I know and I would do anything for them. They are surfers, hilarious, and would give their lives for the people they care about. If someone in my life wouldn't be able to hang out with them and just chill, I don't get too close to that person.
Ten years ago I was known for popping females in the face just for caddy remarks(only twice, but they were good ones). Today I am actually not ruled by flesh. My flesh will begin to manifest when I dwell too long on a comment or a conversation that I may feel needs a little 'correction', but overall, I am ruled by my Lord. I let both males and females say pretty much whatever they want to me. If I care about the person I will talk, have a conversation, and basically respect myself enough to not get railroaded.
I have found that lately I seem to be caring less and less about anyone who feels so jealous, out of control, or angry that they need to put me down. I am strong these days and can handle it. I have the strength to turn the other cheek all day long if needed. The world sees this as weakness, fear even. Actually, it is my flesh giving way to the Spirit within me. If a person is extra delusional I even go along with it just because there's no point in rocking the boat if I truly don't care.
I feel strong. This is not the world's type of strong, but something bigger and more calming. There has never been more peace than there is now. There has never been more clarity than now. I see that the world is full of issues. And I am okay with that for the first time. Nothing seems that scary because I truly feel that the Lord is with me and I am above the pain.
If anything I am beginning to see the fear, pain, and unsettlement with the discontented. And I thank the Lord because this is His gift to me.
I am not saying that I am totally immune to any slip of the double edged sword, only that it is simply annoying now. If I do settle on negative words spoken over me too long I bring it before my Lord and confess it to my husband and he usually makes me laugh at it one way or another.
There are safe places in the world, but sometimes I need to venture away from them and come into contact with gloom. It used to cut me deep. It is now barely a scrape and I really wanted to blog about it. Maybe for my benefit or maybe for someone else's.
God Bless,
Jackie

drug addict vs. physically dependant

After reading a great article on breaking addictions I was left feeling more discouraged and confused than ever. I think that most folks don't understand opiate addiction. It is hands down the most excruciating, painful, agonizing event one can go through in one's life. It is not the same as breaking a nicotine or fast food addiction, or even a cocaine or crack addiction. Let me explain a little further.
Opiates have the ability to hook folks on two seperate levels... physcologically as well as physically. When taking a medication for pain, (especially pain from complications after getting 2 organs removed, as I had) the level of euphoria that is reached by these medications are zero. Therefore no real phsycological or emotional addiction occurs. It's different than if an addict were taking drugs to get high or escape pain.
Unfortunately, once my dopamine receptors in my body got used to being filled unnaturally by the prescription narcotics, I became physically addicted. I had no emotional or mental dependance on these drugs. My physical being became so used to having artificial endorphins that it formed a strictly physical dependance.
That is why although I am physically addicted to the medicine my body has gotten used to, I am certainly not a drug addict that craves anything from this drug. If anything, it made me feel like crap while on it, it put me in bads moods often.
One of the better solutions I have heard on how to fix an addiction is to fast. I highly recommend doing this in order to break any stronghold in one's life. I have done it before in dealing with anxiety issues and it does hold power.
However, to fast during an excruciating opiate withdrawal would be pure hell. In addition to dealing with pain from no longer taking my meds, I would have to deal with withdrawal symptoms as well as try to stop the muscle spasms and leg kicks long enough to pray.
One of the best pieces of advice I can give to someone going through this physical ordeal is to eat a healthy and low processed diet. Eat lots or fruits and veggies. Detox from opiates has killed many people. I think that if I needed to do a fast for a physcological withdrawal I would certainly wait until it was physically safe as well as possible. Fortunately the Lord shielded me from ever becoming 'dependant' on this medicine the way a person becomes dependant on other soothing or relaxing addictions.
I appreciate reading about how others got through thier addictions. I think it's important to share what worked and what didn't. It makes the road smoother for those yet to go through it. That is why I am writing this blog.
What is important to remember is that there are different types of withdrawals, drugs to withdrawal from, as well as addictions. A plan for someone who got high is going to be different than a plan for someone who took small doses of appropriate medicine for pain associated with endometriosis, adenomyosis, organ removal, as well as bladder sling surgery.
I also feel it's important that a person who's body has become used to and dependant on meds, not be lumped in with a person who takes drugs to feed a craving or to attain a feeling.
Hope this didn't bore you to death. Just had to clear this up.
God Bless,
Jackie

all over the place

It seems like and certainly feels like I have been making good progress lately. My daily dosing is miniscule compared to what it was just two weeks ago. I can't say that it's getting any easier though. Some tough decisions had to be made recently reguarding my water pots and there are now only two currently at home. My Mom and Dad are helping me with the oldest of the three, since he is the one that suffers the most when I am out of comission.
It is the hardest part of this whole withdrawal mess... my life crumbles around me while I take time to get well. Our schedule is non-existent, our meals become simpler, and the laundry and general straightening up don't get done. My bones and muscles don't allow me to move the way I need to in order to get housework done and my brain can't focus on anything other than pain or panic. Not to get too gross or graphic, but the consistant vomiting and gut wrenching gastro issues are in full swing as well. I have reached the point of no return. In order to feel "better" I would need to take such a high milligram dose of my medicine that it would set me waaaay back in the plan.
I have discovered another natural seed(at the health food store) that seems to help more than the others with the symptoms, but in order to extract the main healing qualities that would give me some relief, I need to brew it into a tea and drink it... and my tummy just can't handle that right now.
Although I feel like I am dying, there is something good going on inside of me. Healing of my soul and restoration of the Spirit that was quieted for a while. I didn't even realize it. I didn't see the Mom I had become. My patience was gone with my kids. I homeschooled, but I had become a Nazi about it. There has not been much joy in my house lately and it was all because of my moods. Anyone who has had to take pain medicine for any period of time knows that while on it, our patience level is zero. I was perpetually irritated with everyone and everything almost all the time. I couldn't relax and enjoy my kids. I was not taking the best care of these amazing little humans entrusted to me by our Lord.
Having this revelation made me ill. I haven't cried that hard in a long time, as I did when it hit me what type of person I've been lately. The Lord has been bringing past conversations and experiences to my mind that I had forgotten about. I can never again go back to being a complete bitch constantly numbed to my bitchiness because of opiates.
These new revelations kind of get me down, but also kind of give me hope. I have given myself over to the Lord. That is how I know everything will be better than okay. He helps me and I literally burst out in songs of thanksgiving. I can't wait to be whole and healthy.
Thanks for reading.
God Bless,
Jackie

no end in sight...

The days are getting long and annoying. I was able to get some relief last night as I met with the Saints in Gainesville, but now I am back in my home. Sitting here at the table trying not to think about the anxiety and hopelessness that keeps trying to take over my mind.
I am almost two weeks into this weaning process and I still have a ways to go. I take just enough of my prescription narcotic to keep me from going over to the 'dark side' in my mind.
Withdrawal is withdrawal, whether I am getting off of herion or percocets, it all feels the same. An opiate kick is a universal sickness. A sickness that I am getting so used to, that it feels like a part of me.
When I first began to clean out the toxins in my kitchen pantry and fridge as well as the products in my bathroom, I figured that this weaning process would be a breeze. My hopes were high and I was not worn down with 10 days of sickness, anxiety, and depression.
Now, I am sure that I could be feeling alot worse if I decided to overload my liver, kidneys, and colon with processed junk. But I am certainly not skating out of the standard symptoms just because I am eating better now. I do have to say that the remedies that have kept me from losing my mind have been these... Kava tea, valerian root, wheat grass shots that seem to give me burts of energy, and melatonin for sleep. Probably the most important part of my detox has been the strength of my Lord.
Whenever I've tried to do this before it has always been my weakness that has caused me to fear and give in. I have to say that this time my weakness have proven to be my most important variable in all this... He is showing Himself strong and real to me. He is here and I know that this is the right time to do this. I saw Him last night and as I was prayed for, realized that it was Him praying for me through His Body.
So, today I am weary. I am getting tired of feeling sick. And I am totally and desperately dependant on my Lord to get me through this.
Thanks for reading.
Jackie

my doctor is a drug dealer

This morning was my appointment with my pain doctor. I informed him of my decision to wean off of my medicine in an attempt to be completely free by the time we move to Gainseville. I was hoping he would offer words of encouragement, advice, and maybe even some blood pressure medicine to help.
Instead, I was offered an additional script for the narcotic that I am trying to stop taking, as well as some extra refills, and a referral to see the pain doctor at Shands in Gainesville. Devastated, discouraged, confused, and for a moment second guessing why I am going through this at all, I feel let down.
The car ride home was difficult. I kept asking myself if I was making the right decision. A heartfelt prayer and deep breathing reminded me that in my own strength it will be hard, too hard.
I am listening to my Lord in every situation these days, particularly this one. This medicine has numbed me from certain feelings. It has taken away pain as well as taken away a piece of my personality and my excitement for life that I once had. It has made me a shadow of my true self. So will it be worth the pain to live totally clear minded? We'll see, but I think so.
The last couple of months, the side effects of all the un-natural substances put into my body has been making me sick and zapping me of the energy I need to live this life to the fullest. Not only the opiates, but all the processed food, sugar, and dairy. All of it has made me feel like an eighty year old woman trapped in my skin.
Today is rough. My patience is at an all time low. I can't sit still. Every other minutes feels like I am on the verge of a heart attack. Crying does no good. The sound of myself crying irritates the crap out of me. Screaming helps, but can't do it with my little ones here. To be touched brings about an uncomfortable-ness that makes me jump out of my skin. To hold a conversation, even a short one, brings about panic attacks. Darn, this is getting hard.
Looks like I may have to slow down the weaning process for the sake of my family. My kids well being is more important than urgency I am feeling to be done with it. They are really good boys who are happy to be having "days off" from our normal routine of preschool in the am and first grade in the afternoon. They really are good kids.
I just took valerian root for the anxiety and I am going to make some Kava Kava tea to try to quiet my mind and relax my aching body.
Thanks for reading. God Bless.
He is Good,
Jackie

waking up from the opiate fog

Here I am again. In this place of hope and renewal as well as despair and death.
I am dopesick, only I don't do dope. For the last year I have been on the drug many call 'methadone light'. It is a narcotic that I have been taking for pain following my surgery last year. My doctor and I had planned to follow a long term pain management program. And that was the plan. Until last week...
The Lord confirmed in my heart that it is safe and right to wean off this drug. This is the time to do it. It has been about a week since I started this process. It has not been as easy as I hoped which makes me believe that when I make the final jump to completely opiate free, life will become hell on earth. I plan on journalling this month as I go through the detox. It helps me and maybe one day it will help another.
The past severals days have been an experiment, sort of. My plan is to be so incredibly health-ful and nutrition packed that I actually live a little through the withdrawal. I have stocked up on all sorts of natural remedies for stress... Kava tea and valerian root; I have begun a Colonix colon detox program and eventually will add a kidney and liver detox too. Cut out processed, sugary, foods. No more gluten or cows milk... only almond milk from now on. Wheat grass shots in the am, mineral vitamins, B6, and melatonin in the pm. As well as excersize and the most important part of my plan... staying in the Word constantly. Like everytime I get a minute to read a verse or a few verses.
So far I ache and I crave, bad. I feel alright half the time and like Leo in Basketball Diaries the rest of the time. And I am in the beginning stages. I do not look forward to the days after I take the jump completely off.
I will keep posting throughout.
Thanks for reading. God Bless.
Jackie