As a...

As a human being I have the need to want to fix things. I want to work on issues an talk about struggles until I feel better. It's only been this last year that the Lord has quieted me in that area. As I am being transformed I am laying down the need to be pushy with what I want... even if what I want is a righteous thing. It's a work in progress, but I believe one day I may even express a meek and quiet Spirit(the Spirit of Christ) in every situation.
As a person I want to be liked and included in everything. When I hear about a group of friends that's gotten together I feel left out, naturally. Towards the end of this year I began to recognize that I don't even like being in groups. They bring on heaps of anxiety for me. I like being at home with my family. I also see that groups are meant to include(those invited) and exclude(those not invited). There are only a few types of groups that don't do this. Recently old friends of ours separated and their church has stopped talking to one of them. I would say churches were safe from being called "exclusive" but obviously not.
As a married lady I need to have security from my husband. I need to know that he only has eyes for me. I need to know that he'll never use his strength against me. Unfortunately we are not promised forever from our mere mortal spouses, but we are from Christ. So this year I learned that nothing is promised. Chris and I are the happiest we have ever been and more in love that I thought possible, but Christ is the only eternal thing.
As a mom I've learned that I know less than I thought. I know that while free in Christ, I enjoy His direction and am happy to follow His lead. This year Christ gave me new boldness in my parenting because it's all been by His life. Right now my kids are young and as a parent I have the God-given control and God-given authority. I am not blown by the wind by this or that anymore. I read homeschool blogs daily and subscribe to 3 hs magazines. Every time I'd hear about a new system or curriculum or style, I would try it out or simply doubt what we were currently using. I have also found my voice when it come to parenting philosophies that we've implemented. I am the only one in our church group that doesn't reward for good behaviour(we punish for bad and being good is it's own reward). I have been able to speak up and find my voice in this safe environment where no one wants to hurt me. Had I done this in the world I would have been steamrolled into changing or made to feel like I was being controlling.
I have one more... "As a Saint living by Christ's life I've learned...", but it's going to have to wait. That one's getting a whole blog entry on February 1st.
Thanks for reading and joining me in this eventful year of writing. No one replies on here, but so many of you have let me know that you read my writing. Keeping this blog has been therapeutic and helpful to me. The fact that you read it, is frosting on the cake. I love you friends and family!
Happy New Year!
Love,
Jackie

the point of homeschooling

The point of homeschooling: This has been a major topic of discussion in our home lately. Are we giving our kids an eduction, or something more?
Last week we got some disturbing news. A fellow homeschooling mom, one in my group here in Gainesville, lost her son. He had been homeschooled his whole life and was enjoying his second year of college. He is gone. If all homeschooling is, is education, then this mother's years were a waste. This tragedy is showing me there is so much more to what we are doing.
Chris and I together feel that the most important goal of parenting is our children's soul, and that the Lord lives in it. I really want to write about why, in light of the what happened to my friend last week.
Something that I've really enjoyed is all the time spent together. I consider it a blessing when I see them at their worst because I feel that it's clear direction in what we need to talk about. When I see selfishness, rudeness, or anything in them, we take the time to work on it and seek the Lord about it. I was amazed the first time I saw Thing 1 begin to have friends and hang out with them. I thought he was a perfect angel and never in a million years did I think he was capable of bullying. I never would have seen that if I hadn't been there. If I was sending him off to school, I would only know the Thing 1 that I see at home.
I know each of their friends and friend's families. I only take them to spend time with the ones I know well. I had friends who took me into North Philly and showed me how to buy heroin when I was 13. Call it controlling, call it over-protective, I have seen a darker side of the human condition and I'm not taking chances with my kids. I am not losing them to drugs. The Lord promised that if I trained them up in the way they should go, they will not depart from it. He does not lie.
A benefit to homeschooling is closeness. A mom in my homeschool group shared that recently that she has an unusual closeness with her teenagers. A few of the others agreed that the normal teenage rebellion and attitude never happened in their home. There was a closeness between siblings as well as between parent and child. I am hopeful for this.
I am looking forward to homeschooling into the teen years, but only God knows. I want to live life together with them. I don't want a teacher to be with them when they discover new things and during the best hours of their day. I want that time with them. My hope for them is that they would have the opportunity to turn to Christ all day long without getting sidetracked. My hope is that they would choose the friends they want to spend time with and not be forced to be with kids in their class.
If my child dies two years out of their homeschool career, I will know that the time invested in their "education" was not wasted. I got time with them, closeness with them, and I will know that I invested in their soul.
My friend Mardy is confident that Patrick is with our Lord. She talked often about the grace required to raise a teenager. She was loving and forgiving and encouraged me to humble myself before my children. I can see that she did the same with her own children. When we first heard that her son had passed, Chris and I thought about how devastated she must be, after parenting & homeschooling this kid for 15 years, to lose him. But the more we talked about it we saw that this is where the rubber meets the road. We are training our children so that they know the Lord and are prepared at any time to meet Him in heaven. This life is a vapor and I often forget not to get too comfortable here. If my children serve their purpose in 19 short years, then I will be envious of them.
We homeschool because I can not raise them after school and on weekends. I have my hands full with 3 boys and I need all day. I want a closeness with them, conversation with them, and the time with them that I have right now. One day we may put them in public school, but right now the Lord has us here.
Our main goal in parenting and in homeschooling have nothing to do with our earthly lives. It's not about preparing them for work one day, or for college. Our lives as parents is to raise people who know Christ. In knowing Him all the little things happen. If our kids know Christ and He lives on the inside of them, they will be loving people. They will have a good relationship with their dad and me. They will put others above themselves. And best of all, they will be with our Lord when they die.
Thanks for reading.
Love,
Jackie

chillaxin

Maybe it's the season, maybe it's a gift from the Lord, or maybe I'm manic, but right now I am happy. It happened without realizing, it slipped in through the back door while I was living my life. The other day I was noticing how calm I was beginning to feel and wasn't used to it. I actually started looking for something to be stressed about. It felt strange not being tensed up.
Something important that I'd like to note(mostly so I can remember it) is that I don't have anything major I am trying to get accomplished right now. I guess I used to be pretty pushy. It's relaxing not having an sort of agenda to carry out. A big goal of mine over the last [insert whatever amount of time here] has been to become more likable, to become worthy of notice, to get people to see the "good side" of me so they'll like me. I wanted to be thought of when others needed a friend. I wanted to push myself into being something to somebody.
Well, doing that was good and sometimes even productive,but I was stressed to the max all the time. I was wound so tight that the sound of my children laughing irritated me. I wasn't able to do it anymore. I needed to do a little more in our homeschooling and I had to cut back on everything else. So I intentionally decided that it would probably be a good thing if all my thoughts and energy went into the very practical act of parenting(which is a lot of what our homeschooling is). I know this isn't very spiritual and it would sounds a lot better if I wrote something about seeking out the Lord in my quiet time alone with Him, and searching for Him in secret places, and discovering Him again in the Word. But that's not what happened. Not to say that Christ isn't all over it though!
The simple act of releasing the desire to do more and letting go of the need to do more in order to be known and be liked, was the seed. And now I am feeling happy. I know that I am a part of my family, my church, my people that know me and love me. I am a part of those things without trying or concerning myself with my image.
I make mistakes. I put a both feet in my mouth at the same time. I say things that make me feel stupid later when I'm alone. But because I am happy and relaxed, I can find peace in knowing that it is always going to be Christ that accepts me through others. There is no need to explain or prove anything, unless I am trying to gain human attention and affection.
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie

parenting by the Life

We were away for several days on a vacation. It was great! We went to Nickelodeon's Resort for families(which is super duper kid friendly). Chris and I are normally very stressed out when with the kids. We try to be great parents and it takes so much out of us. So the name of the game this weekend was "fun." We simply wanted to enjoy our family. Now, we definitely chimed in if the kids got too out of control, but we tried to keep a vacation frame of mind.
In the past I have looked at my friends that have really great kids and wonder how they parent so effortlessly. How do I stay on top of the guiding, praising, correcting, scolding, and punishing and have time to do much else? Answer... the same way I am being shaped and molded: by following examples. I have the life of Christ inside me and I'm pretty sure that's what gives me the desire to look to others. I have friends that I talk to when I need wise counsel on important situations, on how to handle conflicts, and how to show love and forgiveness when it seems impossible. It's simple... look to Christ, but I'm young in Him and in the time it takes to look to Him, I get distracted. In those distractions is where bitterness and selfishness creep in.
I look to others when I need to know how to do good things, not just how to handle the dificult siuations. Such as, how to share in a church meeting, how to have a friend, how to be a good wife and a good mom. There are some people in my life that I just love being around, they inspire me. Every time I am near them I am changed for the better.
It's great seeing two people disagree about a topic and not dislike each other for it. That was a biggie in my life... to disagree with a friend was cause for an end to the friendship. So I agreed with everyone. Learning to speak up when I don't agree has been terrifying. I feel like my heart is going to explode out of my chest, even for the small disagreements. But I am healthier and better in learning to speak up. I don't hold so much resentment like I use to. Looking back I see that I wasn't doing anyone any favors by behaving in a spiritually elite manner and then having negativity and bitterness spewed out behind closed doors. I know I seem like a silly child when Christ is working through something in me, but it's better than being a fake.
We are back home, back to normal life. I have taken vacation mentality and made it my new mentality when it comes to patience with my kids. I know I won't be perfect, but I'll let Christ be the change I need. I'll let my kids learn how to talk kindly with each other and show patience and love by speaking kindly and patiently to them. I will demonstrate how to deal with being frustrated by turning to Christ, and letting them watch me.
I used to have friends that were hot and cold. Sometimes they were friendly and humble. Other times they seemed jealous of everyone. The interesting thing was how their kid behaved the same way. It was crazy! I kid you not, this child was like a spiritual thermometer for the parents. I had never seen anything like it. When the parents were being kind, the kid would run up and say hi and hug me. When the parents were dealing with an issue, the kid was a punk. I am reminded of this all the time when I am tempted to complain about someone or something. Our kids take our words very seriously. If I am dealing with a conflict, I make sure that my kids have no idea what's going on. Number one: I don't want them to act unkindly towards anyone, and Number 2: I don't always forgive as quickly as I should and I don't want my kids to learn to hold grudges.
Fortunately, kids are resilient. I am just figuring out that if I yell at my kids to stop yelling at each other, they are more likely to listen to my actions than my words. I have a church full of women that have come alongside me and unknowingly helped me to be a better mom. They have done it by simply being an example. We have so many different parenting styles in our church and all of them have been helpful to me. I have been a crunchy mom from the beginning(crunchy=attachment parenting, by Dr. Sears) which is different from what most of the other moms do, but it doesn't matter. What we do doesn't hold a candle to how we do it. Watching how moms parent by the life of Christ is how I am learning to parent by His life.
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie

my true Saviour

Last night Thing 1 found my old iPod. When I say old, I'm talking about 10 years ago, so yeah, old. It's really neat that he's just as into music and dancing as I was. I am glad I can share this with him.
After he went to bed I brought the iPod and dock into my room and listened to one of my old playlists while I folded laundry. Oh my goodness, there is nothing like music to transport me back to the past! Certain songs were so powerful that they brought up memories I hadn't thought of in almost a decade. I remembered whole parts of my life that I had forgotten. And as I realized how beautiful and safe my life had become, I couldn't help but get some answers as to why I am the way I am.
My husband told me recently that I'm not like other girls and that's why he likes me. I don't do girly things or hang out with girls in groups. I have friends that I love more than anything, some are also sisters in the Lord. I see them one or two at a time. Anything more than that I just can't deal with. It's just something about me and it's not up to me to change it. If the Lord wants it changed, He will initiate it. Hubby laughs when he turns on the netflix streaming and sees that the last thing I watched was Heroin Town. It's who I am and what I am interested in. Maybe for good reason... we want to open a home for addicts. A place where they can meet the Lord and clean up their lives.
Anyway, as I folded my 3 year old's tiny pants I remembered when it was common for me to wake up with the barrel of a gun to my forehead. My tweaked out, paranoid, thug of an ex showed his love in untypical ways. Often I had to talk him down from the metaphorical ledge going on in his head before he would remove the cold steel from my head. I wasn't the only one he treated that way. Sometimes we were subject to a home invasion by someone he ripped off or just said the wrong thing to. I became familiar with the click click of a gun being cocked outside my bedroom window. I got good at silently rolling onto the floor and doing the army crawl to the closest tub. Bathtubs are the place to be if bullets are being fired. Surprizingly, these were not my official "drug years." This was while living in Daytona Beach. These were the mild years compared to my time as a teenage heroin addict.
The only good part about being a heroin addict is that through all the trauma, I was unable to feel pain. Actually I was unable to feel a thing. I once spent 2 days trapped in an abandoned home in NE Philly and kept hostage by a group of bangers(gang banger). I remember most of what happened over those 2 days, but I still don't care... all the dope I was given did it's job.
As I ran through these memories and many, many more I couldn't believe how far away from all that the Lord has brought me. Just the other day I was giving myself grief for not going to an event I had planned on going to, when I should just be happy I can leave the house at all. The insane amount of pessure I have put on myself is rediculous. I can't be in a group of women without feeling so different that it gives me a panic attack. Guess what, because of my past I am different. I wish I could erase the past... one horrific act of abuse and volence after another(never by my family though, I have always had wonderful and supportive parents, go figure!).
I sometimes get upset because I don't feel quite a part of my female group of friends. It seems so easy for them to trust each other and let down their guards. They see good in each other and in life. I only see bad, and how they are going to hurt me, and why I need to have my defenes up.
Until last night I thought there was something wrong with me that would never be fixed. I saw that I am not posessed or evil, just damaged. Fortunately, Christ works well with damaged folks. He has been my true Saviour. He has crowned me with respect and has given me a beautiful life. How could I ever doubt Him? He is my Rock.
In Him there is no rush. I don't have the same past as most. I shouldn't expect to automatically be complete and healthy. The renewing and transforming of the mind is not a cookie cutter process, but living process. I trust that my Lord is my healing. All I have to do is somehow know more of Him. I am glad and thankful for life. For a long time I prayed to die. Every night that was my prayer. I felt less than a dog. I had no problem dying to self, I hated myself and was glad to see it go. Now here I am with a glimpse of Christ. He has given me so much life that I have become greedy. I want to be where others are at in their walk. I want to love as if I have had that all my life from friends and caregivers. I want to trust as if I wasn't attacked and abused by more friends and caregivers than not. But, for some reason it's my current reality that brings Christ the glory. And in this moment I am happy and grateful to be safe at all.
Thanks for reading one of my most personal entries, it felt good to write.
Love,
Jacke

poured out like a cistern of water

I meet with others to express Christ in an organic way, as opposed to going to church. Last night in our meeting we did a skit. My husband, myself,and three others. In this skit, we attempted to portray the way at Christ brings us to Himself, despite other lovers in our lives. For years I believed that it was my good decision that brought me into a relationship with Him. I had said the sinners prayer and therefore I initiated the engagement... pretty tacky, I know.
The skit showed me going from finding love in a man, to drugs, to finding my peace in worldly beauty and things. All the while, Christ is tapping on my shoulder and I am ignoring Him. These other "lovers" are becoming my prison of thorns. Eventually that wall of thorns becomes a path that leads me back to Christ. But before I can even turn around to face Him, He clothes me with righteousness, with Himself. When I do turn to face Him I pour myself into Him, which was actually played out using a cistern of water.
When we were planning out the skit, the initial love handed to me by Christ is what got me. Before I could even say I was sorry, it was Him who prompted the ability to desire Him. There is no love that I can give to Christ that He didn't give Himself.
I knew doing the skit that there would be those who wouldn't understand what was going on. We chose not to narrate and to just let each Saint catch in their Spirit what they were prepared to catch. I was really nervous because normally don't share in a meeting and I was afraid of being judged. And although it was a quick, light run through of events I was acting out, it was truth. I spent the better part of my youth using heroin. I did despicable things for money. The friends closest to me died. I was trash on the street.
I have always had a tendency to try to make myself worthy of my Lord's love. Why would he want to be with me? I have hated being with me at times. But as I think about the faces of the Saints I see almost each day of the week, I can settle. I love the folks He has me with. The fellow Saints in my church are so beautiful and full of forgiveness and love. They overlook my faults. They accept me even if they don't understand what I'm feeling. I can see why Christ is so enamored by His Bride. He sees Himself in her.
In our skit we used thorns... actually it was brown paper tied around string and hung up on rods. But everyone was a good sport and went with it. What may have been the thorns that created the path, I saw as detours. Isn't that like our Lord... what we think are distractions from the plan are actually a part of the plan. I was in rehab. First a few short stays, then a long one. I was led down the path to Christ while in rehab. Another thorn-the aneurysm. Another-depression. All of these corridors were straight paths to my engagement to Christ.
And when I got to Him and poured myself out in front of Him, I saw that it was never me who did anything. Jesus Christ lived a perfect life. Then he died a gruesome death. And not only did He defy death and rise to life, but He chose me to clothe with love and righteousness.
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie

finding the quiet

Okay, so it is a two blog kind of day. I am feeling a bit philosophical and can think of nothing better to do right now than write.
I am in such a cool place with the Lord. His voice is clear and soft and loud at the same time. I know it's not a common place to be because people look at me like I have 6 heads when I talk about it. It's a solemn cave. I am mournful and that's probably the best way to describe it. There are times when the flesh wants to talk and I feel the "pull back" in my spirit. This has to be maturity. Everything in me wants to correct a mistake or speak up if I know something, but I am stopped. I simply smile when those around me are quick to change something I say if they don't understand it. It makes us humans uncomfortable to see another going through something we ourselves don't understand.
Christ is too big claim any relevance on our own. It makes us feel good to know things, to accomplish goals, and to overcome obstacles. When I decided to not do any of those things for a bit, it hurt. When I decided to be wrong, especially when I thought I was right, I squirmed. I am by no means a humble soul... my flesh peeks through and I am self righteous, prideful, and argumentative. I am not talking about those times, but rather the moments when Christ is my all. When He is enough that I don't have to chime in to a conversation with my two cents. Those times are not at all what I expected.
For the longest time I didn't know that Christ was inside me. I had to live by faith because there was no other proof, if you will. Now, I am seeing, hearing, feeling, and thinking glimpses of Jesus Christ! I have proof enough for myself. He changes people and He's changing me. It took long enough.
I am truly fascinated. The will to be heard and be first is a strong one. I've lived my entire life by that will. I see most of the world living by that will. The only way I know I am being transformed is when I come face to face with those still living by the power of themselves. I have to be honest and admit that I am an extremely sensitive girl that holds grudges. It hurt me when people(usually those I don't even care about) would call me out on something I did or said that was wrong. I would look for ways to defend myself or find fault in them.
I think that the Lord created me to be so sensitive to those things so that I could see the change that was happening in myself one day. The world is a harsh place, but the perfect place to shine.
Thank you for reading.
Love,
Jackie

me and death

I found out yesterday a childhood friend died. Cancer. It wasn't someone I had talked to in the last 10 years, but the news still stopped me in my tracks. Some of life's most memorable moments included this kid... he will always be a kid in my memory.
All day I seemed to be untouched by little annoyances. Next to the death, nothing seemed important enough to waste time getting upset over. I was glad to hear that my friend knew the Lord and is with Him now. More than glad, it's actually a reason to rejoice. As kids we were the furthest away from Christ a person could get. It's great to know that I'm not the only one of our old group who found God.
I started thinking about the sadness that's followed each death this year. Two of my grandmas passed away within weeks of each other earlier, during the spring. It was devastating and I still find myself crying when I think about it. As a christian, I am in the painful position of dying often. The basis of my belief system is rooted in a death on a cross, then a death in myself. I have died with Christ and I share in His resurrection.
The past year a half have been a painful process as Christ has increased in my Spirit. It sounds all mystical, but it just means that I have been recognizing His voice within and listening to it, then living by it. As that's been happening, the selfish, hateful, prideful, offense ridden Jackie has been painfully dying. It has not felt good. There have been times that I wanted to scream and punch someone and choose to stay angry. There have been times that I've felt used and discarded by people that I though loved me and I couldn't hate them for it. I've wanted to cut people off, retaliate, or just hold a grudge.
One thing that isn't really talked about in the christian community is the grieving process that goes along with the death of self. To lose the walls that I have worked so hard to build my whole life is sad. Don't get me wrong, I am glad it's happening because the end result is Christ glorified. But the process doesn't feel good. Just like when the physical self dies there is sadness, grief happens in the spirit too. I have often had to take days and weeks to give myself room to deal with the changes going on. Letting go of my will to be somebody, to live apart from Christ, is the hardest thing I've ever done.
There has been a major revamping of who I am and as long as I am breathing, it will never be finished. The core of my being is Christ, but the flesh is still there. In each small opportunity to become offended, to retaliate, to be a bitch, I am faced with the choice... to live or die? To live is to follow my heart, to die is to follow Christ. Fortunately, because a major breaking of myself has happened(the core of who I am, my flesh, is broken) each decision to turn to Christ gets easier. And each time the choice to live by Christ's life is made, there is rejoicing.

the process of death

In one of my favorite books by one of my favorite authors there sits a paragraph that defines what I am going through right now. This Brother in the Lord is writing about organic church life and the seasons that it's Saints will go through. In the beginning, everyone will be enjoying the newfound freedom and it will "feel" like they are in love with one another. After time that feeling will fade and it's only after that, that we will see we never really fell in love in the beginning... we had to climb to it.
I can attest to all of it. When Chris and I first began meeting in an organic way, we became basically new christians. We had to slough off religion and allow our spiritual instincts to come back. The new freedom created intense feelings of euphoria and we thought we were in love with everyone.
It was almost a year before something happened. Something small, but I didn't like it. It got under my flesh. It was my very first real experiece of dying. I didn't understand why God had me in this spot. I tried all I could to not feel like a victim, but I clung to righteous anger. I had my first moment of thinking I didn't belong in a group. It was a moment that I now define as the beginning of my death.
It took a while to "pull myself together" after that. I tried so hard to turn to Christ all the time. I wanted to feel those loving, happy feelings like I used to. I was sure that what I was doing was wrong. How could I feel so bad all the time? I made the mistake of thinking that I wasn't turning to Christ enough.
For 9 months it went on. The same amount of time that it takes for conception to turn into birth. For 9 months I had to turn to Christ at every corner because I felt disgruntled. Everytime I was annoyed, meetings or situations didn't go as planned, or the love of Christ wasn't top priority in my life... I had to step back. I felt the weight of the world crushing on me so many times. I knew community life wouldn't be what I expected and that was all I knew. What scared me the most was when it WAS what I expected. When normal problems that only happen in the world began to happen in my "safe place," I didn't take well to it happening. At times it felt like I was a stubborn child holding my breath until everything went smoothly.
I am happy to write that the Lord got His way. Nothing changed, absolutely nothing... if anything the problems in my life are just as bad as ever. Except that I am not annoyed. I am overjoyed at the lack of annoyance!!
Christ gave love and acceptance to the unlovable and unacceptable. Could the Christ in me do that too? It's easy to be kind to those who are kind to me. During my time of death I felt like the Lord really let me have it... I felt more alone and unliked than ever before. And that's what it took to get me to die. There are still times that I feel like a cheapshot was taken at me and I want to give a rebuttle or defend myself. I am new at this being dead thing. But in all honesty, I can write that I truly love those the Lord has put in my path. Especially those who don't give it back, and that's how I know it's the Lord loving them and not me.
I am a grudge holder by nature. I want people to "lay" in the beds they make. It's only fair, right? As I fall in love with the human race all I can see is my own wickedness and the blood that was shed to over it. If I had to pay for everything I've done I would be in jail.
Dying is a process and it takes a looong time. The fact that it was so painful to do, makes it that much more exciting now. It's neat seeing Christ in this space where selfishness and anger had taken up residence for so long.
Death means an immediate obedience. Death means letting others hurt my feelings and not hating them for it. Death means sharing what we have even if we don't think it's fair. Death means not giving up on a person in need just because they've exhausted my patience or have not lived up to my requirements. Death means I don't get to choose anything, but Christ lives out His life through me.
I have climbed to love with my christian family. They are my iron and they sharpen me. I love them without reservation. I have experienced death and now I can die daily. My life consists of dying and there is no room for self in there.
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie
p.s. spellcheck is refusing to work... please forgive my mistakes

Taking time with Christ

The Lord doesn't put all this pressure on me. I put it on me. The Christian walk has been full of "doing" in order to gain approval. (our Internet is down and I am posting this from my phone so excuse the errors.)
A few weeks ago I began to feel the Lord's leading. I began to feel His love and grace all over my life. I thought it was wierd because I wasn't being a superstar christian. I wasn't helping everyone all the time, I had no wisdom to share, and I hadn't really had an opportunity to go to any women's functions. I was simply taking care of my kids, taking care of me for once, and taking care of my husband and home more than ever. I have been leading a very busy home life and pouring into the ones entrusted into my care. I have been getting together 2 or 3 times a week with sisters/friends in our church community. I have felt the Lord's leading at each get together. He is full and rich during that time.
I used to go to every single gathering I heard of. In order to keep God happy, I kept busy. In the last few months I have slowed down considerably. And He has increased rather than decreased. He is meshed within and is present wherever I am! I am happy to drive all over town and even out of town to share Him, but I can be just as content to find Christ at home too.
Right now I am full of joy over the presence of my Lord. He is the life source I need. And when I am in communion with Him, the problems in my life, in my family, and in my church, pale in comparison.
It's much easier to lay my life down in the presence of a King. I had gotten to a place where I couldn't stand myself anymore. Stupid comments others made would get under my skin, and I was holding onto grudges like they were lotto checks. I was so busy trying to be the Body and keep busy, that my heart was becoming filfthy. Being able to relax in Him I have to time and energy to spend with Him.
That's all for now.
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie

exporing wisdom

Wisdom and insight. They have been on my heart for no particular reason(really, it must be the Lord because I have no inspiration to think or write on wisdom.)
Different kinds of wisdom exists, but mainly human wisdom and wisdom that comes from knowing the Lord. I have been watching the Lord and how he moves in me and others. I know souls that have been blessed with the wisdom of God. I don't feel like I have much, if not any. Maybe I am not mature enough yet?
To be blessed with any wisdom from our heavenly Father seems like a prime opportunity to become arrogant. When the Lord chooses us for anything we run the risk of thinking there is something extra special about ourselves. I know I have felt pride in the past in my own abilities when it was the Lord who was working through me. I can imagine that it's hard to express wisdom and remain humble at the same time. I know Saints who are able to share a large portion of Christ while still remaining extremely humble.
His wisdom can range from knowing when to keep quiet all the way to counseling others. I have opinions, lots of them. That that kind of wisdom is no longer any good. If I ever wonder about the words coming out of my mouth I can line it up to the past... is it in line with what I know about the Lord in the scriptures? Is it in line with wisdom given by the modern day apostles? Am I telling this person what to do, or pointing them to Christ?
Lately I have been exploring earthly marriage as a picture of our heavenly marriage. The church can only love her Bride because He first laid down His life and love for her... then she loved Him in return. In an earthly marriage often the opposite is encouraged, the woman is encouraged to look at herself and see how she can change for the man in hopes that he'll love her back. That's not a picture of Christ and the church. I have seen this play out in my own marriage. As much as I tried to love him, he wasn't hearing it. Then we listened to a teaching from one of our favorite apostles that encouraged Chris to be the life blood of the home, to be the one responsible for change and to pour His love out on us. When that happened, our whole house changed. Our lives changed... because it was a picture of Christ and His bride. Now, if you are reading and disagree, that's okay. But this is not my wisdom. It has come from the Lord through an apostle.
The whole point of me talking about this was that I fought it for years. It didn't line up with my human wisdom. How could put that much responsibility on my husband? How could I let Him be the "head" supplying the life to me and the kids when I was 'just as capable?' The answer was not found in me, but in the words of a dear Sister... we, as the wives, need to lay down our lives and show patience and adoration for our husbands the same way the church does for Christ. This is radically different, even for Saints.
Sometimes the Lord's wisdom is hard to hear. Sometimes it's not popular.
The giver of the Lord's wisdom is almost always met with opposition or jealousy. The Lord won't always choose the same person to give wisdom through. Some insight is meant only for ourselves and not to share(says the blogger who shares everything that sits in my head/heart for more than a minute).
I love you guys. Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie

organic church life lessons

Chris and I have been meeting under the headship of Christ in an organic way for 16 months now. It looks nothing at all like I expected. There have been several experiences I would love to blog about, but none have really grabbed me enough to write a whole page. So I am going to make a page about important lessons and revelations Christ has shown me as the Head and as the Body. For those of you not familiar with the lingo: as the Head means Christ as my Saviour and the rule He has over my life. As the body refers to the Christ I find within my Brothers and Sisters.
Number one: I am a new christian again and will be considered "new" for the first 15 years of meeting this way. There are ranks in every community setting, especially ones that involve religion. Just look at the modern day pastoral office. In organic church there aren't ranks. There is 'new' and 'not new.' When I first started meeting with this group I was so hungry for Christ. I didn't take it for granted the way I do sometimes now. In my new-ness I looked upon the Saints that had been meeting this way for 9 months as super-Saints. I thought that when I got to that point, I would know it all. It hit me the other day that I am a newbie and will be for a long time. And I am a-okay with that.
Number two: I am suspicious of those who claim to walk with Christ, but don't offer Him... or worse, offer something other than Him. As long as someone was Christian I soaked in every word he or she offered. Unfortunately, I was not given the gift of giving advice. I have rarely felt the Lord give advice through me. And anyone who knows me knows that I do not offer up any of my own advice. Even my best human wisdom is flawed. I am aware of just how little I know. Anytime I think I know enough to tell another what to do, I am probably wrong. I have been on the receiving end of human wisdom and the Lord used the experiences to teach me to listen to Him only(that includes Him in others too.)
Number three: God uses all things for good. Even what I think is stupid. Even when I feel like we're wasting time or making mistakes... He uses that. Sometimes I have wondered if maybe I am lacking a little Christ in me. I feel that Christ as the body gets stale or a little boring. A few weeks ago it hit me that IT'S NOT ABOUT ME. It may be boring to me. I may not "sense" the Holy Spirit at certain functions or meetings, but that doesn't mean that His will isn't being done. There are those that need to do whatever it is we are doing and we all need to support each other.
Number four: I am so aware that I don't know anything that by the time I hit "publish" I know that the Lord will reveal where I was wrong on all 4 points.
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie

manners

Manners and etiquette is a lingering topic in my head right now. Yesterday I was searching my rolodex of scripture stored away in the head trying to see if Christ ever talked about such a thing. Then last night in my homeschool group I meet a woman(a really sweet retired teacher) that teaches etiquette classes. She teaches eating etiquette as well as appearance and basic manners. I was fascinated by how graceful she was and how peaceful I felt being around her. And right then it was clear that manners are so much more than which fork to eat with which course.
Manners are a series of intentional behaviors that de-alienate one in a social setting. Manners are behaving in a way that puts others at ease. From there I have thought about why I practice manners and it's usually to make others feel comfortable while around me. It's done out of goodness and love(most times) so therefore it's got to be Christ.
In thinking about chances I've had to show manners or show whatever the other option is, I realized that Christ play a part in those decisions. There ar times that I have been faced with a dilemma and a chance to show manners. Here's a metaphorical example of what I'm talking about... I had plans to spend time with a friend, having diner at her home. Another friend asked me to come spend time her. I really wanted to, but I knew I would have to lie to get out of the first dinner date. I couldn't just say "I am not coming to your home for dinner because I am going to spend time with someone I like better." It would be the truth and it would really hurt friend #1. So my options were to lie, or to tell the truth and hurt friend #1's feelings, or... show integrity and ultimate manners and keep the dinner date I said I would go to. I recently was put in a similar spot. It was then that it occurred to me if I have to lie or hurt some one's feelings to benefit myself, it's bad manners.
Then there are personality conflicts that make it hard to show manners. Being a shy, quiet person, it can be easy to ignore others. My kids struggle with that, especially the younger ones. An adult will ask them a question and I need to prompt them to reply. I know it's just shyness on their part, but it seems really rude to others.
Having bad manners goes way beyond not saying "please" or "thank you." Having bad manners can hurt people's feelings. Christ showed impeccable manners.
I have noticed that those with good manners are very forgiving as well. It's not polite to point out one's flaws. That's Christ for sure. It is polite to look past each other's flaws.
Christ invented manners. He is manners. We have taken the act of putting other's feelings and comfort level above our own and we have named it "manners."

itchy memories

Yesterday morning I noticed a strange rash on both my arms. We were in the car on our way to the mud run(a race that requires crawling through the mud). I broke out in hives and it was itching me like crazy. I didn't think much of it at the time, but we happened to be talking about the hubby's aneurysm.
Last night things were going great. Chris and I have been getting along fabulously since the cruise, but then we started talking about our past. It really got me down. Even though we were noticing how the Lord has changed us for the better, just thinking about how awful life once was made me sick to my stomach. The hives came back.
Today was a good day. We started off the school week strong, burned 770 calories at the gym, and got quality time with the Littlest Thing. Throughout the day I kept noticing the date. 11/7/11... this was the day three years ago that we arrived in St. Augustine for the wedding I was in. I was a bridesmaid. I was happy to be out of town and with others. I couldn't stand my husband anymore. Actually, I borderline hated him.
So as I was making dinner I started thinking about that day three years ago. Right before the aneurysm. And then it hit me as I scratched my unbelievably itchy arm with a fork, my body was reacting to the memories.
And last night as Chris and I talked about our "beginning" as a couple I was scared and my body let me know that something bad was happening. There was a time that I couldn't even think about the early morning of 11/9/08 without having a full blown panic attack. I have gotten very good at controlling my breathing and being aware of my surroundings when the anxiety pops up, but my physical self can't be fooled.
I am not so foolish to think that we are out of the woods forever. I hope that the lessons we learned that night will keep us grounded and remind us to lay our lives down continually. But it's only been a few years. The night of his injury was traumatic. I walked in on him seconds after the aneurysm in his neck burst. I saw dead eyes when I lifted his eyelids and screamed for help. I watched others breathe for him until an ambulance could get there. Just minutes before that I was in trouble myself, screaming for help. Screaming for someone to come to my rescue. And now here I was calling for help for Chris. I thought that he was going to die because he probably should have. We were out of control people behaving like children. We were throwing away our lives because we were in pain and knew no other way to relieve it.
Not everyone gets a second chance. I know that it was the Lord who helped us put our new lives back together. If He did not choose for us to stay together, we wouldn't have. If Chris didn't turn to the Lord and change his behaviour and if the Lord didn't give me the heart to forgive, we would not have been able to stay together.
No one in our lives knew what was going to happen to us. We didn't know ourselves. If I could have seen a picture of our lives and our marriage today, I would not have believed it. Today I am completely in love beyond description. My husband is the biggest picture of Christ I have seen. Once in a while we go through a hard time and we fight a lot. I have found that it comes from old thoughts sneaking up on me. Also not seeing each other. He works a few hours away and has to go to bed much earlier than me to get there. I get stressed from being a single mom during the week. When we do things together, we begin getting along.
In 2 days we celebrate an anniversary. More important than the regular marriage date one. It's the anniversary of the nightmare that was beyond anything that I could have dreamt up myself, and it was simply a vehicle for Christ to show Himself. It is the day we celebrate our life together that we came very close to NOT having. It's the anniversary of the most awful and the best thing that ever happened to me. If Chris would have died that night I never would have gotten to know the beautiful human being he was. I never would have gotten to know Christ as my life giving, redeeming, magnificently powerful Hero. Christ performed a miracle three years ago. I hope I never take for granted the life He gave back to us.
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie

Christ on the inside

I used to think that the church was the building that I went to on Sundays. Then, I thought it was the people that attended meetings. But then, this morning on facebook, one of the authors/church planters/friends I have befriended posts this... "The church isn't the people, it's the Christ in the people." ~Milt Rodriguez
I think that sums it up perfectly. And if I've learned anything in the last year and a half, it's that people are not wholly Christ, but do have Christ living in them. Sometimes we make choices and sometimes Christ in us is making choices.
In searching the gospels for some tangible advice, I stumbled across the beatitudes. I spent three months studying them in a class I took back in the institutional church, but they were kinda' flat to me at the time. They stand out in my current place in this journey.
We have a person in "there" and we have Christ. The person within, our personality, feelings, quirks, whatever is the one that gets to make the decision to take over, or let Christ live His life through us. When that person, me, gets humble, meek, feels sorrow, and forgives, the Christ living in there is my comfort. When living with others who have Christ within, we let the Christ in them comfort us too.
I know that a lot of people who are not christians think that christians are mean. They are right. We are people who have the living God inside of us. It's when we don't know how to, or don't choose to turn to Him, that we are just judge-y people.
It's like we have all this power, and pride in the power, but never let the power be powerful. Until we do, then we have what's called a "revelation of Christ."
I am an abstract thinker. Us abstract thinkers tend to need much time to ourselves. I can't be with others too much because then I can't do the things I feel like am supposed to do each day. I tend to see things from an outside view and can get "vision" from a far distance when I am taking my time. I have different times through out the week that I schedule time with others... or else it wouldn't happen at all. That is not the Christ in me, that is my personality, being an abstract thinker.
I am a part of the Body of Christ where we have other abstract thinkers, and concrete thinkers. I have noticed through out my whole life, before becoming a christian and after, the things that bond people. There always interests, hobbies, and having Christ within that bond us. But for all those things, it is the way we think and relate to others that bond us to the people we spend most of our time with.
I am a part of a large church. As far as organic churches go, we are beyond a mega church(according to a church planter).
It is Christ that brings us all together. We all have some amount(or portion) of Him inside. Some have chosen to turn to Him within more than others and so it's easier for them. Some are very new at the concept of Him living within. We all have Him, but none of us have the same portion. It's beautiful to see different people and personalities share Him and pour into each other.
We have the ability to pour into each other either Christ, or ourselves. It's hard to know the difference sometimes. It used to be that any good feelings were from Christ and any bad feelings were from the devil. I don't believe that anymore.
I have personal boundaries. When they get crossed, I usually don't speak up, but instead get angry, harbour resentments and pull back. When I am able to speak up and lovingly let someone know that a boundary was crossed and talk with them about it, that's Christ. It won't feel good. It will actually feel the opposite of good, but it's Christ. And it's for the good of Him. Christ wants all of His children to love each other.
The human (or some call it flesh) can do whatever it wants. The human in us is not bad. I used to get so upset when I saw humans behaving like humans. I would get jealous when I saw girl groups form because I am not a "girl group" kind of girl. But, there's really nothing wrong with that. It is okay to bond together based on personality types and human desires and lifestyles. It makes sense and I think the Lord is okay with it. I was having such a hard time trying to make Christ fit into a mold. I was trying to be a type of personality in order to fit in(all my life) when I don't need to fit in, in order to share Christ.
I can be the type of person that stays home most days and has the occasional day out. If I don't get "poured" into by another person, the Source Himself can pour into me and it's just as good.
Brother Paul was still getting His portion of Christ while in prison.
If a group is formed and the foundation is purely Christ, no one with Christ on the inside will ever be left out. But, our human selves can form groups(which is not a bad thing at all) and people can feel left out.
The Lord cleared it up for me. I was calling everything, and I mean everything, Christ. Forgetting that we still have human selves and human lives. And then I was getting hurt or offended when humans(which I was mistaking for Christ) were letting me down. I was losing faith in my Lord. And I doubted that Christ lived in me because I was screwing up so badly. It's that darn human side to me that keeps messing me up. And the human/flesh will always have wants and desires. Most of the time selfish... or loving, but with selfish motives behind the love. Darn the fleshy flesh.
Thanks for reading my loooong blog entry. It's been a rough morning so far(was sneak attacked by satan this am) and I just needed to write.
Love,
Jackie

from worry to contentment, that's how Christ does things

A few days ago I asked the Lord for some things to happen in my head. In my 2 day long prayer I begged and demanded for Him. I wanted a certain thing and I wasn't stopping my prayer until it happened. I wanted to stop being distracted and to be consumed with Him. So consumed that the only thing that could "get to me" would be the absence of Him.
The Holy Spirit is a person, the person of Christ. This Spirit has a lot of opposition in a fallen world. This Spirit can guide a person, or a group of people, if they let Him. I have been nudged by this Spirit to spend some time in Philippians(a book in the bible for all my non-christian friends). And then a Brother in Christ pointed me towards reading it in the Message bible which kind of blew my mind.
Brother Paul said this...
"Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let your petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your lives."
Brother Paul wrote that in chapter 4, at the end. What does he say in the beginning? Why are people in Philippi worried? They had differences, they were holding grudges. Brother Paul planted a church. When he left, most of chapter 1 is describing what happened. Basically the Christians were not on the same page. Some acted differently than they did when Paul was with them. What's Paul's response...
"I've decided that I really don't care about their motives, whether mixed, bad, or indifferent. Every time one of them opens his mouth, Christ is proclaimed, So I just cheer them on!"
Paul also says that my attitude should be the same as that of Christ...
"Who being in the very nature God, did not consider equality something to be grasped, but made Himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made into human likeness..."(vs.2:5 says "your attitude should be the same as that of Jesus")
I move to Gainesville last year. We moved here for body life. Most people moved here for Christ, but we already had Christ. I moved here for body life(which is Christ in other people through daily living). I am a part of an organic church group. For some strange reason moving here did not solve all my problems. I still get distracted and start worrying about logistics and practicals. And I still don't understand how hanging out with a Sister for a few ours is what the Lord wants from me, but I do it anyway. It's enjoyable so that part's easy. I see that living community life leaves a lot of room for people to be left out and ignored. Community life is not what's important, Christ is. And I don't think Christ wants anyone left out or ignored so I am still unsure of why He designed His body this way. Instead of cheering that Christ is proclaimed, I get confused when I feel that the Spirit has me on a different path than the main group. I always automatically assume that I am the one that's wrong and I need to change so that I can feel what everyone is saying they feel.
I enjoy the Spirit of God. I like time with the Lord as well as time with other Christians. I realize that I have played all parts... the one of being "first" and the on of being "last." I have also unfortunately judged my Brothers and Sisters that do not worship the same way I do. I thought that I was a better christian because I was in an organic church. I read the new testament and see that the original organic church had the same problems we do today, institutional and organic.
I have spent the last year trying to get on the same "page" with a small number of people. I have been trying to be "one" with about 60 people. Surprisingly, I have yet to "feel" that. And as I read, I see that Christ doesn't require me to be anything with anyone else. He is the One that's joined me to the Body of Christ. For 2 days I have been asking the Lord to show me Himself and truth in every circumstance and situation. I believe He's shown me in Philippians.
We are One Body, but only because He has made us One in Him. Not because we agree on things, not because we attend the same meetings, not because we use the same lingo, definitely not because we get the same "feeling" that we should all do a certain thing together, not because I'm in the "clique" that seems to form in every building, town, or city that girls live in, not because I have a pastor, and not because I don't. We Christians are all one body because He made us a part of Himself.
I have Christ, I eat and drink of Him. I moved to Gainesville for an expression of Him that is something I feel the Lord wanted me to do. I was so consumed with getting community life that it became an obsession. Brother Paul hardly even mentions community life the way I have been trying to "do" it. Brother Paul speaks Christ.
And so I rejoice! And I stop being consumed with getting body life right, because it was right the day I became a christian. And I behave with an attitude like Christ(phil 2:5). Look at the Lord, recognize His voice in my head and follow His direction, not the herd's. The Holy Spirit will guide me if He wants me doing the same thing as everyone else or doing anything at all. He will guide me. Other than that, I think that I am supposed to enjoy and love my people.
My Lord is a lover. And He lives in me! So that makes me a lover of people too. Call it whatever... institutional, organic, body life, small group. The point is that He has joined us all together and all we have to do is live out His life.
Thanks for reading,
Jackie

the day we broke

Being broken before the Lord. It's not something that happened the day I became a Christian. It is painful and deep. It's more than a revelation of Him.
When I became a broken person before Him, nothing could ever change that. It's not something that can be undone in my life.
Three years ago a metaphorical storm was brewing. Chris was about to have his aneurysm and everything that surrounded that. The people we were then are not the people we are now. We actually became broken before the Lord. Everything we were made of as humans and everything our marriage was made of was about to become completely broken and dependant on the Lord.
My husband made a horrible decision that night. It led to his aneurysm that was waiting in his neck like a ticking time bomb, to burst. The story was featured on our town's news and we were harassed and lied about. I had also been betrayed by my hubby that night in ways I swore I'd never let anyone betray me. I was actually planning on filing for divorce on Monday, November 10th.
On November 9th, when he had his aneurysm the Lord broke me, He broke us. The first few days I was still clinging to human reasoning and logic to get through the pain and devastation. Eventually, the pain and reality of what had happened became too much. I had no choice to not become completely emptied out, broken, and to lose myself in Christ. To hold on to myself or my life for one more day had become impossible. The bigness of Christ had short circuited my brain. I saw Him.
In the hotel room that night almost 3 years ago I watched as the Lord gave breathe back to Chris. Just moments before I watched my husband turn into monster due to alcohol and then watched him almost die. If it were just about me I would go into detail about every little thing that happened, but it wasn't just me so that's the extent to which I will say about it. I have began to write a book about the whole experience, but I will never let another person read it. It was such an amazing story of Christ's redemption and a second chance in every sense of the word, I had to tell it. There are countless ways He saved me that night.
Can I tell you that Chris has become a broken and changed man more than I have ever seen it in anyone? He has become the most humble, strong, and willing soul I have ever met.
It is a blessing and amazing that the night we almost lost everything was the night we both became broken before the Lord(actually it took Chris a while because he was in a coma and had to recover from a traumatic brain injury).
We still have hard times and because we are very different people we fight. Usually in the arguments and fights I can always find a little piece of anger or resentment about "that night" that was never let go of. I let go and we move on. One of his surgeons at the Mayo clinic had said that most people in his condition don't make it. Sometimes I wonder what life would be like today if he died. Sometimes I see a life flight helicopter in the air and have a flashback. I tear up as I thank the Lord for my family.
We didn't know the Lord like we do now, but we would not know Him the way we do had He not come down from heaven that night to walk us through it all. Today we have the freedom in Christ and the realization of Him, but it was almost three years ago that we became broken people before Him.
Every year as the anniversary day approaches I blog about what the Lord did. I may write a few this year as I am more grateful than ever. Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie

what's uncomfortable and scary

Getting normal things done is really uncomfortable for me. If I have to make a phone call to request something or make an appointment I put it off because it scares me. I was the same way growing up. When my Mom or Dad would need to stop somewhere, like 7Eleven(from Jersey, remember) I would get anxiety and wait in the car. The only exception was when I was involved in institutional ministry. I thrived off of meeting and serving the homeless. There was never any hesitation there.
Now that I am a Mom there are lots of things that I have to do, especially with Thing 2 needing extra help for all things related to autism. It doesn't make it any less scary for me. If I could go through life and never have to venture outside of my schedule, my normal activities, my normal friends and family, I would be all set. But alas, appointments must be made, fittings for dresses must be done, and all kinds of out of things must be done in order to live a healthy, full life.
I'm also weird with new people. It takes me a long time to warm up to new friends or Sisters in the Lord. In my organic church group folks come to visit all the time. There have only been a few times that the Lord has allowed me to relax enough to actually spend time with them. I know that most people are excited when one more member of Christ comes along, but I get nervous. I like to take my time. I wish I were easy to get to know or that I could jump right in and make connections the first time I meet people. The most terrifying situations for me are getting into conversations that I can't get out of or for someone to think I was "lame" because I was boring to talk to. You are reading the blog of a giant people pleaser.
The cool thing is that everything I have done to improve life or everyone that makes life better was once one of those scary things. I resist the new and different. I don't like the shift of balance when a new chore or "job" is added to the day. But all of the great activities and everything I do that makes life meaningful and fulfilling began with a phone cal or an appointment.
It makes me feel uneasy when a new soul enters my life. I know and see that others usually flock to knew people. I avoid them. And then slowly, if a person begins to stick around in my life I grow to know and love them. Everyone that I am not related to was once a stranger that I avoided. And now I have people I love in my life.
I have fought this for 31 years. I have tried so hard to be different. I should be this or that, I need to be different, why can't I be a certain way?
After 3 decades I am done trying to change who I am. If the Lord wants it changed, He's in there. He'll change it. Also, maybe, my desire to stay with the familiar is just one more facet of the Lord? I know that the Lord is easy to come to, but sometimes He's not easy to get to know. Sometimes I really have to search and it feel like pulling teeth in seeking the Lord.
Maybe this part of me is like a part of the Lord. For some reason it seemed like being "this way" was a bad thing, but seeing a little something similar in the Lord lets me know that it's alright. It's not a sin, or even something to work on.
I still have to do scary things, like make phone calls. But knowing that the Lord created me to be a certain way, I don't feel like I have to fight it so much.
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie

the Lord is using it...

The world, the church, and eternity is such a great place to start. I have read book after book about my purpose here on earth and have come to the conclusion that I am here, in existence, to know the Lord and to be His. I don't know what that will look like after my earthly life is over so I can only write about what it's like here on earth.
In a world with options and distractions, there are many chances to get off course. I want to be in love with my Lord and go deep into Him. I would love to take my children along for the ride as Chris and I do this together. It has taken us years to become a couple that loves the Lord together and finally agrees on Christ being the third "chord" in our marriage.
I have been dealing with some depression, as have some of my friends. I had one friend almost die a couple of months ago from a strand of ecoli. A few years ago my husband had an aneurysm and almost died right in front of my eyes. And then he almost died again 10 days later while in the ICU because of vaso spasms in the brain. My young grandmother of only 71 died this year.
When these things happened I loved the Lord. I turn to Him everyday even when I don't see or hear back from Him. It didn't stop these things from happening.
Lately it seems like He stopped showing up, but I still turn to Him because I will do anything for the chance of even spending a moment with Him. In all of these situations there is an opportunity to "know" something. There is a chance to butt my nose in and decide why it happened and what could have stopped it.
I could drive myself crazy with what if's. What if I never had a friend I loved die at 17 years old? What if I never became a heroin addict and saw the dark side of the human condition? What if I never got physically attacked after being drugged and taken at a bar? What if I never got depression?
I didn't know the Lord when these things happened. Does that mean I brought them on myself? Some would say yes. I would say absolutely not. I think my Lord sat silently by crying and praying for me, but I don't know.
In my short time knowing Christ this is the only thing that I have learned...
The minute I become concerned with "getting it right," I've already gotten it wrong. The minute I become concerned with someone else's walk with Him, or their decisions in life, or their opinions on why bad things happened to them... I have become the one in the wrong.
The only thing that matters is Him, Him in me, Him in others, Him in everything I see.
Good leaders know that and that is why I would not make a good leader. Every night I have to go back to the Truth that all the distractions are for those who want to be distracted. I do not want to be distracted from the Lord of the Universe that lives in me and wants to know me and spend His time with me.
It amazes me how differently I used to feel about wisdom, as if it was something acquired as Christ in me grew. I don't think that anymore. Because then I would have wisdom and I know I have none. Christ IS wisdom and He is in me, therefore when He's abiding in me, there's the wisdom. And that's all I have to share with anyone. My opinion doesn't matter, my intelligence, or lack of, doesn't matter. All that matters is the Lord that wants to live out His life in me.
I think it's funny to see busybodies running around doing the Lord's work. The church is groups of loved, dripping with Christ, hungry Holy Spirit filled bodies. When the church comes together, it magnifies the Lord. It pleases Him.
The church has no personal opinions because the church is only there for her Bridegroom. The church participates in community life with each other and with others in the neighborhood that need help... orphans and widows, homeless and drug addicts.
The church could care less if someone brought on depression or illness themselves because Christ Himself doesn't even care about those things.
The church is what I am ending this blog with. I wrote in the beginning about what my life looks like here on earth.
I only care about the mind of Christ. I love Him and explore Him and talk about Him with others. I do all these things and I still suffer with post traumatic stress disorder and depression. I still struggle with finding the will to live some days. Go figure.
And if anyone ever tried to tell me that my depression has to do with a lack of turning to the Lord, I would politely thank them for the concern. For I once thought I knew something too.
Thanks for all the feedback friends and family. I enjoy the random coments, emails, and words that have been shared because of my (lack of) wisdom.
Have a wonderful night!
Love,
Jackie

the most inspired blog I've written

We are mere mortal humans. Yes, we are create to have the Lord live in us and infuse His live into us, but we are still human. We know nothing. The minute we think that we know anything, we are wrong.
There is a story in the bible that goes a little something like this... God asked a man to kill his own son. The man went up the hill to do it. Fortunately, the Lord told the man to stop and that he didn't have to kill his son. What if that man went around telling people, "Hey everyone, God wants us to kill our sons!!"
God gives us each our own problems, our own convictions, and our own ways to live. I would never try to convince another to homeschool, eat gluten free, go on medicine, go off medicine, to be a certain way, or to do a certain thing.
We are here to listen to each other and encourage each other on this earth.
My husband told me today that 5 years ago he did not understand depression. His response to my depression would have been... "get over it. We all go through rough times, right? You don't need medicine, just the joy of the Lord."
And that is the worst thing you can say to a person with depression. It would be like he was assuming he knew anything. We are not here to "know" things. We are here to love one and another. We are here to encourage and listen to and be with one another.
After I went off my medicine in March(completely my own choice) I experienced depression. Rather, I lost the will to live. I lost the ability to connect to another human being. It was not the same depression I felt after Chris' aneurysm or after I had a baby and was depressed for 6 months.
Chris saw for the first time that this was beyond my control. And since the Lord was not taking it away, I just had to find a way to live with it. My husband saw that this was unlike anything he had ever seen.
The minute we become more than a trusted friend, brother, or sister and we begin telling people what to do or that our convictions from the Lord should be their convictions too, we're wrong. We don't know what the Lord wants from and for another person.
I used to think that homeschooling was the Lord's will for Christians. I would read the scripture that tells us to train up our children in Him, and take that to mean we need to homeschool. What I have come to realize is that it's only what the Lord wants from me and that to put my conviction that homeschooling is what Christ wants from everyone on another, is wrong. The Lord doesn't give us instructions for others. He gives us instructions for ourselves.
As I end this I would like to add that I know nothing. I only know what I know for my family as far as what the Lord wants. The Lord gives us knowledge pertaining to our jobs, our roles in social circles, and our missions. Beyond that, we don't know anything. Even leaders, even (most)doctors, and even the president... the Lord's the only one with wisdom.
If you come across someone in crisis, please don't do anything stupid... like tell them it's not real, everyone goes through "this", to go against their doctor's wishes, or give any kind of wisdom at all. Only God can give wisdom. (Yes, I know God lives in us, but that should only make us see even more how little we really know!)
If you don't understand something, that doesn't mean it's not real. Just listen, love, and try to remember that our convictions are our convictions and not for everyone.
I have gotten so much positive feedback from these blogs about depression. More of my blogger friends than I ever know of struggle with depression or family that has it. I am glad that I am not alone in this.
I also know that I have a lot of readers who don't have this and so I really just want to shed some light on it. The best way to help is to love, not to give knowledge and wisdom for another person that we don't have. Usually it ends badly when we do that anyway. :)
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie

the seen and the unseen

Today I realized that the unseen realm is scary. There are 2 realities that go on and some people live in one and others live in both.
One the one hand, there is life. With jobs, cars riding down the streets, dinners in the oven, kids that need to go to school(or be homeschooled), groups that meet for Christ, groups that meet for homeschool, groups that meet for recovering folks, there is facebook and phone calls, and bustling life.
Then there is another reality, the one that some people can't see or understand. A friend checked him/her self into an institution today because the depression got so dark, all they could see was the gray. And I realized that we live on 2 realms. Yes, this person could have had all the normal life that goes on each day, but the unseen was too much to bear. I know that with me it is a lack of a chemical in my head that causes life to turn gray. I just went through something like that myself. At one point I told my husband that it was getting too much to bear and I might not be around much longer. Fortunately there is an ebb and flow to the unseen and the despair passed.
The unseen realm is "easy" for most Christians to talk about because we know that Christ is good and if He's in the unseen, then how can there be darkness? But it's just like this world, there is good and bad. It's so much harder to accept that there is a scary dark thing out there that we humans call 'depression.' I know that some don't accept this. I met people in the first church I ever went to that accepted the good heavenly realms with Christ, but not the darkness that people go through too.
Today I am going to have a hard time homeschooling, exercising, cooking, baking, and seeing Sisters because I know that while all this goes on, there is someone I care about sitting in a hospital fighting the darkness. I don't understand why some people have to fight off the gray bland-ness of depression, but I hate it.
For those of you that read me, but don't understand the difference between normal stress/life induced sadness, and depression... here's the difference in my life. Sadness is feelings. Depression is uncontrollable thoughts of dying along with bouts of despair and absolutely no hope that life will ever be good again.
A very good friend of mine just helped me through my downswing of depression. One of the most helpful things she kept telling me was that it would end soon. Because in this other unseen reality, I couldn't see that it would end. In the "gray world" it seemed like it would go on forever and the only end to it would be death. Chris and I are so grateful to her for not making me feel crazy and reminding us that it would get better.
I was shielded from the "seen" world and from anything else that felt crushing. If I didn't have someone to do that, I would have had to check myself in somewhere.
I know that my blogs have been dark lately. I'll perk up soon enough and start writing again about homeschooling and organic crap, but I am in this place. I also know that there are those with depression who read this, and maybe they don't feel so alone.
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie

I'm His

Christ gave his disciples one new commandment right before He went to the cross.
John 13:34 "I give you a new commandment: That you should love one and other just as I have love you, so you too should love one another. By this all men will know you are my disciples..."
In going through a dark, depressed time I have asked my husband over and over again... what does the love look like? It's the lack of what I think love is, that's hurting my heart.
I want human connection. I want another person to desire to talk with me, know me, hug me, or just be with me. My husband and my children give me that. It's a beautiful picture of Christ. But sometimes I want more.
Here's what I think love looks like. I think it's everything Christ did or said. I think it's so much deeper than we could ever comprehend. Love is reaching my arm out and giving to another that can't give back. Love is being kind to everyone, not just our friends. Love is putting myself last, but knowing that in Christ my worth is immeasurable.
I feel so isolated. Being a Christian in this point of my life is the most isolated, lonely thing that I have ever done. But I am doing it to follow Christ(in what that means to me and Chris.) I had friends and groups and playdates and people. I left it all for Him because He called me to a town with people I barely know, but those He wants me with. It's scary. What if I live here for 10 years and don't make a single friend? What if I never get the human connection I feel I need?
I feel the Lord telling me "So what? You follow me."
Following the Lord is hard and scary. I can tell you that I was elated when I began to know and discover Him, but then came the cross. It's easy to love Him when everything is going well and I have friends and a social life, and my husband is home after work, and things were going my way.
I am starting to think that the Lord took away my human connection with everyone but my family so that I could face this cross. Would I still love Him when no one calls for weeks and weeks? Would I still love Him when I open my heart up and get no replies? Would I still love Him when I feel like I will be alone forever and I can't take the pain anymore?
The answer is a YES!! Not only that, but I will love others too. And that's how I'll know I'm His and he hasn't left me. I'll love those who don't know me, those who reject me, and those who the Lord places in my path because He is all that matters.
Even if it stays this way forever, I will love Him.
Thanks for reading,
Jackie

I'm free and I'm ging on a cruise

I don't care! That's right, I finally don't care about the world, about my problems, about what people like me and what people don't like me. I don't care about being politically correct in order to please politically correct people. Christ is not afraid of me. He's not afraid of my problems and all the scary things about me.
I want to express Him, but I also want to love Him as if He were on the outside of my body too. I like thinking of Him romantically, like a first love.
It's so great to know Him and love Him even through the sadness. And tonight it occur ed to me... not many people like me all that much. I am difficult to get along with(I suppose, why else would I be so alone?) and maybe even awkward. I've had a past that not many people can relate to, so I can understand why I don't form connections with normal people. But I love Christ with all my heart. And I love people too because Christ lives in people. I am not a flesh lover. Friends are of the flesh and I don't really have friends.
I am a Christ lover, passionately! And people have Christ in them. So I love people for that reason alone.
And that has made me free. I can be comfortable in my skin because I don't need approval, I need Him. I need the One who fills me. I need the One who created me to fit inside of Him.
This revelation is not the end of my insecurity, but the beginning of feeling comfortable in my skin and in my life. There will always be those that look down on me because of my parenting, because I am not a good enough wife, or because I am not fitting what they think I should look like. There will always be an opportunity to fall victim to the views of others. I have been crushed under the weight of trying to please the world and the people in the world.
But the Lord has not left me. He is still in me and He will never leave me again.
You may be reading this and thinking that the Lord had never left me in the first place. You may be right, but having a complete nervous breakdown due to depression kinda blocks Him. The will to live was taken and the Lord was nowhere to be found in that. And I'm not afraid of being politically incorrect in saying that.
I have always been somewhat of a loner. I now have the freedom to be that loner. Don't get me wrong, am not going to live a solitary life out in the woods. But I am giving myself permission to have a friend or two and beyond that, not have "friends". I love all people. I love all people because Christ lives in so many and He created all of them. So I love all of them because of how darn much I love Him. But I am going to stop trying so hard to have friends, or try to make people like me. I don't care anymore about people liking me. Truly, the weight has been lifted. But, I love you. Whether you like me or not, I love your socks off!!
Tomorrow is the last day I will be online for a week. My husband is taking me on a cruise. I not packing 1 tee shirt on this trip... all nice non-mom clothes. :)
After that I have a Sisters retreat with ladies that I share Christ with. I a not real sure what sharing Christ means anymore,but looking forward to exploring what it is. Because I want to please Him and I think it would please Him. I don't really know if these ladies like me all that much, but I know they love the Christ in me so I am all in!
I will be back in a week and will have lots of pictures to share and maybe some stories to write about. Hopefully my cruise ship won't sink and hopefully I can flirt so shamelessly with my hubby that he develops a crush on me all over again!
Love,
Jackie

light on darkness

When I was seven years old, something happened in my body and in my mind that changed the way I saw the world forever. I will never forget the moment the wave of sadness covered me. It felt like a heavy blanket was being laid on top of me. In school I would write about being sad and wanting to die. My teachers were alarmed and my parents did everything they could to help me not be sad. Counselors back then didn't know much about childhood depression. It's not much different today.
About 6 months ago I woke up one day and decided that I couldn't deal with anything. I quit everything I was doing and involved in, and I laid around crying for a few weeks. And then it went away and I got better. I had no idea what had happened. Depression was something I dealt with as a child,but never in a million years thought that it followed me into adulthood.
A few weeks ago I began to feel the same strange things. My vision of life and the Lord became clouded. I couldn't see past darkness. It wasn't as if I was trying to look at the worst in people and situations, but I couldn't see the good in anything if my life depended on it. I couldn't stand being in my own skin. I was struggling to find the will to live. Even with Christ as my life, if chemicals in my head, such as serotonin, aren't getting to were they need to go I will stay "under the blanket" of sadness.
So for weeks the sadness has been lingering. And nobody knew because the only words I could get out of my mouth were that I was having a hard time and I was sad. I could never let the words "I want to die" leave my lips. And I began to hate everyone I knew because they got to have the will to live. I would see a lady driving her car down the road and think that she is so lucky because she probably feels some level of hope or joy. It happened over and over. I gained weight, started oversleeping by obnoxious amounts of time, and I was in physical pain.
I started seeing a doctor and was diagnosed with a form of depression. It is a serious kind. Most people that have this aren't able to keep friends or stable relationships. When I read that I instantly became grateful for my husband. I know he would never leave me and that's never been something I've had to worry about.
There is a stigma attached to depression, especially rapid cycling bipolar depression. I was afraid to be crazy. In the past when I would have a breakdown and all the sadness, paranoia, and pain would come crashing down on me at once, I would just leave. Better to leave than have to stay and explain what my problem was.
I have decided that I want to be healthy. I can never get rid of this, but I can learn to manage it. Counseling and medicine and professionals are here to help. I didn't want to seek help because I felt so much guilt about being alive that I didn't want to spend my family's money on counseling. I also didn't think I needed it because I had the Lord. Last week my problems became bigger than my desire to control it my way. Or control it at all.
I am going to be open and honest and never again pretend that I don't suffer with this. If you read this blog and you know me, I am still the same person. I just no longer want to hide that I have depression.
It makes me hard to get along with. It makes me paranoid and therefore, alienated. It makes me irritable, shaky and full of energy and ideas, or low and unable to leave the house. It makes me want to leave everything I know during an upswing in the cycle... including my marriage(like I said, my hubby is amazing) and run away. During a downswing I quit everything in preparation for falling off the grid.
I am blessed to have a few close friends as well as my family, that aren't afraid of my struggles. It reminds me that there is still good in the world.
I plan on taking advantage of this time and writing through it(in a private journal). Some of my best writing has come during times of darkness and recovery. Having decided that I am going to be open about this illness, I feel the weight of the world lifted. Who knows where I'll be a year from now. I just know that I'll be okay. Thanks for reading.
Love,
Jackie

illness in our bodies and our minds

A natural, physical world exists and a supernatural, or spirit, world exists. The more I come to know Christ the more the lines becomes blurred.
I learned during childbirth just how much power our minds and our will can have over the flesh. The physical act of pain and the supernatural world I remained in, in my spirit, joined and I was able to control the pain with focus of the mind. As a christian that chooses to die to myself and remain in Him, Christ's will is so much more powerful than mine ever was.
I have seen more than once someone have pain and flu symptoms for loooong periods of time while having nothing physically wrong. Completely fine and healthy inside the body, while truly feeling the sensation of pain and nausea. When someone believes they are ill and feels symptoms, then actual illness follows because a healthy lifestyle is not kept up. When the soul and mind aren't fed with time in the sun, time with friends doing things we enjoy, and eating foods we love we will begin to wither. I have also known friends that have been sick in the body, yet totally healthy in the mind and have very few symptoms. My grandmother that just died was extremely ill for a few years and I had no idea. She was a beautiful picture of strength, although I wish she would have let us know so we could support her. As I began to find out more about how she died and the illness she lived with, I am amazed that she was able do everything she did while sick. She was a tough broad.
Something really interesting I noticed a few years ago was the pattern of pain in the last several years of my life. What I am about to write is a testament to the power of the will, the mind, or the Spirit in us.
I have been in physical pain since shortly after Jake was born. It was a difficult and complicated pregnancy. The pain afterwards was often severe and I spent lots of time on the couch or laying on bed. I got surgery to help alleviate some of the discomfort. A week after my surgery Chris had an aneurysm. He was "out of commission" for about 6 months. During that time I had to handle everything... bills, housework, cleaning, cooking, taking care of the kids, driving Chris to and from rehab, caring for Chris(I had to help him shower and get dresses for the first month), and everything else that husbands and wives do to care for a home and family. I was busy, but I did it all and never noticed pain. I didn't have time for pain. The same month Chris became self sufficient and went to work, I started feeling pain in my abdomen. What the heck? I tried hard to pretend that I wasn't hurting. I pretended to be in charge of everything again because maybe I could trick my body. It didn't work. Within 6 months I had a hysterectomy for pain caused by endo and adenomyosis.
I think about that time often. Was it really because I was so busy that my mind was overriding my body and I wasn't having to deal with pain? Was the Lord taking the pain from me because I wouldn't have been able to care for my family? I don't know, but when I feel pain now sometimes I wonder if I just need more to do (just kidding).
I went to the doctor yesterday. I learned how to relax and breathe through painful or difficult episodes. My doctor is big on health, nutrition, yoga, and the avoidance of prescription medication. She was letting me know that stress, depression, and drama will make the sensation of pain feel worse than it is. This is a doctor telling me this. So sickness and pain can absolutely begin in the mind and manifest in the body. Does that make it any less real? Nope. I pray for both the same. When a person is not well we never really know where the origin lies... head, body, or both. When I was a kid I would pretend to be sick so my mom wouldn't send me to school. Whenever I fought with my friends I would want to stay home and nurse my little 6yr old frivolous wounds. My mom knew that I wasn't truly sick, but she would give me attention and affection and lots of love. Just saying I was sick when I wasn't is letting her know that somethings wrong, something isn't well, but it's in my spirit and not so much in my body. I think it's just easier to say we don't feel well in the body.
We are so intricately connected. We can heal ourselves with the faith of a mustard seed and we can also become very sick just by being unwell in the mind and spirit.
I have to end this now, running out of time!
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie

when the burden is heavy

I admit it. I am overwhelmed a LOT. I have become very busy because I have taken on many things over the years. Some of it has been because of personal beliefs and convictions. Some of it has been convictions from the Lord. I don't regret doing any of the things on my plate. If anything I believe that everything I do and everything the Lord gives me is good. I enjoy my lot in life very much. I know how blessed I am to be at home with my kids. But it doesn't stop me from feeling like I need a break. It doesn't keep me from feeling lonely.
Lately I have been feeling wound up. I keep waiting for a break to come. Usually on the weekend Chris watches the kids while I grocery shop and run on the treadmill. This Saturday I didn't get that. Chris wasn't feeling well so I brought the kids with me. It's hard to enjoy my family because I feel so burdened by the responsibility of taking care of them. Last night I couldn't sleep. I was sad and trying to seek out the Lord to find my strength to keep going. It would be all too easy to break down and just quit. I could quit homeschooling, quit organic church and get my husband back, quit everything that isn't just for me. I just became a direct sales consultant for 31. I have no desire to quit that because it'll get me out of the house without any kids.
In my time with the Lord last night He brought to mind His yoke and encouraged me that it is light. But I don't really know what that means. Why do I feel so burned out and run down?
In the last few days I have been more vocal about what I need. I have let my husband know that I need some time soon. Time for myself. That's hard to do. I don't ever want him to think less of me as a wife. i don't ever want him to think that I can't handle taking care of our home. But I think that the Lord is wanting me to ask for this. I also had another opportunity where I spoke up about a desire I had involving more rest for myself in a situation. I felt like I was going to have a heart attack, but I did it. And it's because I am desperate for what I need. It takes being at the end of myself to reach out and ask for things. And that's where I saw Christ.
It's that way with Him. It takes being thirsty for Him and hungry for Him before seeking Him out violently. A well fed girl isn't going to do whatever she has to in order to get food, but will be more relaxed and willing to wait. Christ is my daily food. When I am in a land that has plenty I can become lazy and unappreciative of Him. When He is sparse in my life, I must look outside of myself and seek Him out.
As I wrap this up I begin to feel the heaviness of the day weighing on me. The hubby is at a race today and so I need to get the kids ready, pack up our games and food and go cheer him on and support him. And after that I may just ask for a break. :)
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie

for goodness sake

Last night we had some friends over. We sought the Lord together and shared Christ. By the end of the night I came to see that the "something" that was lacking in my life was Christ.
When I am not abiding in my Lord I distract myself, with homeschooling, with parenting, with housework, with anything that gives me an excuse not to think about the giant hole in my life.
I had something unexpected happen at my last doctor's appointment. I was told I had a "thing" that I'd have for the rest of my life. I was sad because I didn't want to have to struggle so much all the time for the rest of my days, but glad to know what was causing my symptoms. For the rest of that day I was calling on the Lord. I felt like a child on His lap. I knew He loved me and I wanted Him more than anything.
But the day came and went, and I was left with the diagnosis. I was upset and irritable. I stopped turning to Him because I began to feel angry and cast aside. I started feeling like life wasn't fair.
The things that were all blessings from the Lord, like homeschooling and parenting, became distractions. I distracted myself. I thought that we needed to move back to Jacksonville and find a nice church to "attend." And that way I could just blend in with everyone and not have to talk to anyone and nobody would know that I wasn't even a christian. How can I be a christian when I am not seeking Him, abiding in Him, and hearing from Him? If He lives in me, shouldn't at least one of those things be going on? The solution seems simple, right? I should just start turning to Him. I couldn't. And I can't really explain it more than that. I felt like I couldn't turn to Him. Because of everything going on, I thought He no longer wanted me or loved me.
To show the power of living in the Body of Christ, I'll expand. When I was with another person who is in Christ, I felt okay. When I was dealing with an issue that involved another person in Christ, I was able to deal with it in love, and I "knew" that I needed to be speaking and acting out of love. I did what I knew simply because I was connected to others. It was as if I was living off of the Christ in them.
I am happy to type that Christ is magnified today. In a teary filled confession that I feel like a "fake" and Christ isn't in my daily life, He became real and big. And I realized that I just went through somewhat of a dark period and the presence of Christ was gone. But now it's back. I don't have to pretend to abide in Him because I am.
And as I sat down to type a post in my Crunchy Mama blog, I thought that maybe I could actually try to write about Christ this morning. While writing about homeschooling and special diets is good, sometimes it just hides what's really going on.
Not all is perfect. Daily life still brings struggles. I still have pain. I still have all my little quirks to deal with. Just like everyone else. It will all be handled in Christ today. There is a death and a resurrection today. There are crosses today. I have the joy of the Lord today. His strength is being used to write this now.
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie

sunday

After years and years of struggle, Chris and I are finally at a place where our commitment to eachother is no longer our own. We have submitted our lives and our marriage, as well as our parenting to the Lord. It's all His and we do as He wishes with them. Someone in my life that's going through a very difficult time told me that he looks to me as an example of coming through hardship to the other side of being healthy and happy. Who would have thought?
Since hearing that I have stood back and looked at all that's happened and the time that it's happened in...
I was an angry and miserable person. Never in a million years did I think that I would be a good example of anything. I always looked to those who didn't have the same traumatic events happen to them as the ones who were healthy. We all have bad things happen in life, but it seemed like I got the short end of the stick somewhere. My husband often tells me that I have had more to deal with in one life than anyone should ever have happen to them. It seems like "once in a lifetime" events happened every few years for me. I was the LAST person to ever be looked to for an example of anything good.
I hadn't realized how much had changed in three years. I didn't know the Lord was so big. And I can't believe how quickly he works. After Chris had his aneurysm I thought I would never be the same again, in the bad way. I could feel my spirit and soul shutting down. It felt like I was entering into a nervous breakdown that I would never see my way out of. It was the straw that broke the camel's back in my life. We could never have a normal life or a normal family again. I would never have the nice life that I wanted, being a stay at home mom with a husband that loved me and a group of great friends.
I was wrong.
I can only give credit where credit is do and say that it was Christ working in my life to restore everything. (This is the part of my blog where I shamelessly brag on my children.) I even got to be a good mom. I am not a kids person. I don't really like kids and have always had to struggle to maintain patience with them. But, the Lord opened these hidden doors in my heart that weren't there before. It was love for my children that was hidden in my heart. Ben made me a mommy, Hunter made me a good mommy, and Jake made me a fun mommy. My kids are too good. I don't deserve such well behaved, loving, warm hearted little boys. My kids love the Lord with all their hearts and are able to share that love with the world. They are the most forgiving and unselfish people I have ever met. And it's not because of me. If any good came from my parenting, it was only while I was acting on the indwelling life of Christ. As I type this my three year old thanks me for a 'nummy' dinner. Ahhh, it doesn't get any better than this.
I'm not the most spiritual of folk and I don't give the best advice. I don't get asked to do the important things. I don't lead anything and I'm not knwon for anything. I am, however, the best at my life.
I homeschool the heck out of my kids and see the beautiful results firsthand. No one else could do it better and I am the best of that. I love, love, love to type out my thoughts and feelings and have begun to write a book, a kindergarten curriculum, and I write articles for a nationwide homeschool magazine. I won't say I'm the best at those things, but sometimes when I get published, or simply get good feedback, I feel like the best. And that's good enough for me.
I have a husband that adores me and does anything for to make me happy and secure. If something really bothers me, he stops. If I really like something, he goes out of his way to get more for me. We are good at being married. I take pride in caring for him and know that I am the best at that.
The Lord has given me gratitude and joy after what seemed like was going to be a lifetime full of grief and illness.
This revelation was brought to me by someone I love and respect very much that is going through his own time of grief and sorrow. And as well as things are going I cannot fully enjoy it knowing that he is in his valley. I hope that he finds strength in the Lord to know his own worth.
It's all I can pray for anyone who's lost their way.
Thanks for reading,
Jackie