The days are getting long and annoying. I was able to get some relief last night as I met with the Saints in Gainesville, but now I am back in my home. Sitting here at the table trying not to think about the anxiety and hopelessness that keeps trying to take over my mind.
I am almost two weeks into this weaning process and I still have a ways to go. I take just enough of my prescription narcotic to keep me from going over to the 'dark side' in my mind.
Withdrawal is withdrawal, whether I am getting off of herion or percocets, it all feels the same. An opiate kick is a universal sickness. A sickness that I am getting so used to, that it feels like a part of me.
When I first began to clean out the toxins in my kitchen pantry and fridge as well as the products in my bathroom, I figured that this weaning process would be a breeze. My hopes were high and I was not worn down with 10 days of sickness, anxiety, and depression.
Now, I am sure that I could be feeling alot worse if I decided to overload my liver, kidneys, and colon with processed junk. But I am certainly not skating out of the standard symptoms just because I am eating better now. I do have to say that the remedies that have kept me from losing my mind have been these... Kava tea, valerian root, wheat grass shots that seem to give me burts of energy, and melatonin for sleep. Probably the most important part of my detox has been the strength of my Lord.
Whenever I've tried to do this before it has always been my weakness that has caused me to fear and give in. I have to say that this time my weakness have proven to be my most important variable in all this... He is showing Himself strong and real to me. He is here and I know that this is the right time to do this. I saw Him last night and as I was prayed for, realized that it was Him praying for me through His Body.
So, today I am weary. I am getting tired of feeling sick. And I am totally and desperately dependant on my Lord to get me through this.
Thanks for reading.
Jackie
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
my doctor is a drug dealer
This morning was my appointment with my pain doctor. I informed him of my decision to wean off of my medicine in an attempt to be completely free by the time we move to Gainseville. I was hoping he would offer words of encouragement, advice, and maybe even some blood pressure medicine to help.
Instead, I was offered an additional script for the narcotic that I am trying to stop taking, as well as some extra refills, and a referral to see the pain doctor at Shands in Gainesville. Devastated, discouraged, confused, and for a moment second guessing why I am going through this at all, I feel let down.
The car ride home was difficult. I kept asking myself if I was making the right decision. A heartfelt prayer and deep breathing reminded me that in my own strength it will be hard, too hard.
I am listening to my Lord in every situation these days, particularly this one. This medicine has numbed me from certain feelings. It has taken away pain as well as taken away a piece of my personality and my excitement for life that I once had. It has made me a shadow of my true self. So will it be worth the pain to live totally clear minded? We'll see, but I think so.
The last couple of months, the side effects of all the un-natural substances put into my body has been making me sick and zapping me of the energy I need to live this life to the fullest. Not only the opiates, but all the processed food, sugar, and dairy. All of it has made me feel like an eighty year old woman trapped in my skin.
Today is rough. My patience is at an all time low. I can't sit still. Every other minutes feels like I am on the verge of a heart attack. Crying does no good. The sound of myself crying irritates the crap out of me. Screaming helps, but can't do it with my little ones here. To be touched brings about an uncomfortable-ness that makes me jump out of my skin. To hold a conversation, even a short one, brings about panic attacks. Darn, this is getting hard.
Looks like I may have to slow down the weaning process for the sake of my family. My kids well being is more important than urgency I am feeling to be done with it. They are really good boys who are happy to be having "days off" from our normal routine of preschool in the am and first grade in the afternoon. They really are good kids.
I just took valerian root for the anxiety and I am going to make some Kava Kava tea to try to quiet my mind and relax my aching body.
Thanks for reading. God Bless.
He is Good,
Jackie
Instead, I was offered an additional script for the narcotic that I am trying to stop taking, as well as some extra refills, and a referral to see the pain doctor at Shands in Gainesville. Devastated, discouraged, confused, and for a moment second guessing why I am going through this at all, I feel let down.
The car ride home was difficult. I kept asking myself if I was making the right decision. A heartfelt prayer and deep breathing reminded me that in my own strength it will be hard, too hard.
I am listening to my Lord in every situation these days, particularly this one. This medicine has numbed me from certain feelings. It has taken away pain as well as taken away a piece of my personality and my excitement for life that I once had. It has made me a shadow of my true self. So will it be worth the pain to live totally clear minded? We'll see, but I think so.
The last couple of months, the side effects of all the un-natural substances put into my body has been making me sick and zapping me of the energy I need to live this life to the fullest. Not only the opiates, but all the processed food, sugar, and dairy. All of it has made me feel like an eighty year old woman trapped in my skin.
Today is rough. My patience is at an all time low. I can't sit still. Every other minutes feels like I am on the verge of a heart attack. Crying does no good. The sound of myself crying irritates the crap out of me. Screaming helps, but can't do it with my little ones here. To be touched brings about an uncomfortable-ness that makes me jump out of my skin. To hold a conversation, even a short one, brings about panic attacks. Darn, this is getting hard.
Looks like I may have to slow down the weaning process for the sake of my family. My kids well being is more important than urgency I am feeling to be done with it. They are really good boys who are happy to be having "days off" from our normal routine of preschool in the am and first grade in the afternoon. They really are good kids.
I just took valerian root for the anxiety and I am going to make some Kava Kava tea to try to quiet my mind and relax my aching body.
Thanks for reading. God Bless.
He is Good,
Jackie
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
waking up from the opiate fog
Here I am again. In this place of hope and renewal as well as despair and death.
I am dopesick, only I don't do dope. For the last year I have been on the drug many call 'methadone light'. It is a narcotic that I have been taking for pain following my surgery last year. My doctor and I had planned to follow a long term pain management program. And that was the plan. Until last week...
The Lord confirmed in my heart that it is safe and right to wean off this drug. This is the time to do it. It has been about a week since I started this process. It has not been as easy as I hoped which makes me believe that when I make the final jump to completely opiate free, life will become hell on earth. I plan on journalling this month as I go through the detox. It helps me and maybe one day it will help another.
The past severals days have been an experiment, sort of. My plan is to be so incredibly health-ful and nutrition packed that I actually live a little through the withdrawal. I have stocked up on all sorts of natural remedies for stress... Kava tea and valerian root; I have begun a Colonix colon detox program and eventually will add a kidney and liver detox too. Cut out processed, sugary, foods. No more gluten or cows milk... only almond milk from now on. Wheat grass shots in the am, mineral vitamins, B6, and melatonin in the pm. As well as excersize and the most important part of my plan... staying in the Word constantly. Like everytime I get a minute to read a verse or a few verses.
So far I ache and I crave, bad. I feel alright half the time and like Leo in Basketball Diaries the rest of the time. And I am in the beginning stages. I do not look forward to the days after I take the jump completely off.
I will keep posting throughout.
Thanks for reading. God Bless.
Jackie
I am dopesick, only I don't do dope. For the last year I have been on the drug many call 'methadone light'. It is a narcotic that I have been taking for pain following my surgery last year. My doctor and I had planned to follow a long term pain management program. And that was the plan. Until last week...
The Lord confirmed in my heart that it is safe and right to wean off this drug. This is the time to do it. It has been about a week since I started this process. It has not been as easy as I hoped which makes me believe that when I make the final jump to completely opiate free, life will become hell on earth. I plan on journalling this month as I go through the detox. It helps me and maybe one day it will help another.
The past severals days have been an experiment, sort of. My plan is to be so incredibly health-ful and nutrition packed that I actually live a little through the withdrawal. I have stocked up on all sorts of natural remedies for stress... Kava tea and valerian root; I have begun a Colonix colon detox program and eventually will add a kidney and liver detox too. Cut out processed, sugary, foods. No more gluten or cows milk... only almond milk from now on. Wheat grass shots in the am, mineral vitamins, B6, and melatonin in the pm. As well as excersize and the most important part of my plan... staying in the Word constantly. Like everytime I get a minute to read a verse or a few verses.
So far I ache and I crave, bad. I feel alright half the time and like Leo in Basketball Diaries the rest of the time. And I am in the beginning stages. I do not look forward to the days after I take the jump completely off.
I will keep posting throughout.
Thanks for reading. God Bless.
Jackie
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