three water pots

Turning Page

2012-02-26T18:03:00.003-08:00

When I was 17 I went to live at the Walter Hoving Home because I was using heroin everyday and couldn't stop by myself. There were times that I was homeless and stayed on other addicts couches, I sold my things, my family's things, and my soul for drugs and money. I was one of the "bad ones".
I did not know Christ when I went to the Home even though it was a Christian place. All the other girls were Christians. I was just there to "use" them. I was going to get clean, sober, and get my life together and then go back and kick life's ass. There was no way I was going to be converted to Christianity. To me, the whole thing seemed like a cult anyway.
At this Home I was given meals, a bed, and a safe, warm, and beautiful place to stay. I was given forgiveness because I was unrefined, rude, and had a bad attitude. I was shown Love because... well, because I was there. I was shown Love and forgiveness over and over again everyday for months. I was still skeptical. I avoided conversations about the Lord or I joined in only to try to prove someone wrong about God being anything other than a judge.
One afternoon after several months of being there I met the Lord. I fell in love with Him so hard that I can't even put it into words. The Walter Hoving Home is on a mountain top in beautiful upstate NY and that mountain belonged to me and Christ. If you have followed the Twilight movie series, me and the Lord's love rival Edward and Bella. There is actually a song in the Breaking Dawn soundtrack that I listen to over and over again because it reminds me of when I first fell in love with Him. (Here are the lyrics by the way because they are too awesome to not share.)

I've waited a hundred years.
But I'd wait a million more for you.
Nothing prepared me for the privilege of being yours.
If I had only felt the warmth within your touch.
If I had only seen how you smile when you blush.
Or how you curl your lip when you concentrate enough.
I would have known what I was living for.
What I've been living for
Your love is my turning page
Only the sweetest words remain
Every kiss is a cursive line
Every touch is a redefining phrase
I surrender who I've been for who you are
Nothing makes me stronger than your fragile heart
If I had only felt how it feels to be yours
I would have known what I've been living for all along
What I've been living for

When I hear this song I remember my mountain top. I remember the people who gave of themselves so that I could one day meet Christ. Some of them were seasoned Christians and some knew the Lord for only a few months. They are the women who gave, and in return I am a mother who loves Christ and I am raising my children to love Christ. All because they loved and served me.

Since then I have tried to take part in ministry here and there. Some of it was forced and some of it was very natural and organic. I have been waiting for the day when I would get to love someone the way I was loved. I have been waiting for the nudge, permission, and privilege to be salt and light to the world.
Last year I went through a detox and I needed some help. I didn't need normal ministry, but I needed Christ's hand to help me and my family. My church served us meals and helped me watch my kids when I felt really sick. Sometimes all I needed was the silent strength I felt as I knew someone was praying for me, fasting for me , and beholding the Lord on my behalf. That month my church was a "drug addict" ministry just to put a name on it. But we didn't really call it anything.
Right now Chris and I are entering into a time of looking out. But what if I'm not ready? I'm not, but I don't need to be. There's no being ready when it comes to giving a thirsty person a glass of water. Christ is always equipped to give Christ. I will periodically give updates as Christ changes us through this season.
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie

#5

2012-02-08T20:32:00.000-08:00

This is the next post in a series of posts beautifully written by my dear friend and Sister in Christ.

Enjoy!

Click here to read

Love you guys,

Jackie

just say yes

2012-01-25T20:31:00.000-08:00

When our organic church was being left on it's own for the first time, one of the Brothers who had planted us said these words, "Lean towards yes". We were being given practical instruction in how to handle meetings and situations. If an idea came up, unless there was a good reason to oppose it, just say yes. It seemed pretty obvious and simple.

Now, in the beginning I would have said that I leaned toward yes often. If someone had a great idea, why oppose it? Lean towards yes. Sometimes it was really hard and other times, especially when I liked an idea, it was no sweat. In the last year those words have come to shape my thoughts and my actions and the way I live in community with others. I have grown to see that my first reaction in every circumstance was to watch out for my feelings and my well being. I had held every idea, action, and statement up to the light of my will and my agenda and measured it based on what was best for me. The Lord revealed to me that I had become a lean towards no person. And there was bitterness attached to that, but more importantly Christ was no where in sight.

When the Lord revealed this to me I wanted to lay down my right to have any kind of opinion about anyone else's lifestyle, journey, or ideas. To live by the life of Christ was to say yes, my Brother or yes, my Sister, you may have your way. Whether I believe it's what's right or not, I will fall back and allow you to shine. That doesn't mean that I now all of the sudden agree with everyone else. Believe me, I don't. Inside I can rationalize anything... "But Lord, what if I *know* someone is being manipulative, or sneaky? What if that person over there is being controlling or leading the church in the wrong way?" Yes, even then, let them have the right of way.

Sometimes saying "yes, you can have your way" means letting others make mistakes and making the mistakes with them. But I know enough to know that Christ knows all, and I would rather be surrendering and losing than pushing my own will. The One I am really saying yes to is Christ and the only way I can say yes to something I don't like, is through Christ. For years I was the type of person that couldn't let anything go. I was hard on others and really hard on myself. Before moving to Gainesville, Florida and meeting with the organic church here I never had friendships that lasted very long because a soon as there was a conflict, I was gone. Sometimes I had very justified reasons, righteous anger. It really bothered me when I saw hypocritical behavior, for example. In order to justify satisfying the flesh, I could talk myself into all the reasons why it was good to call out bad behavior. But, Christ got to the very heart of this when He spoke of first removing the log in our own eye before telling others about the splinter in theirs. In the last year and a half, the Lord has been filling and replacing the old man. The Christ inside isn't concerned with other folk's sin or issues. As a result, I lean towards yes to my Brothers and Sisters, friends, acquaintances, and strangers. Yes, they have permission to make mistakes, to not be a perfect person, and I will not judge or hold them accountable.

On the flip side, I have lived in close communal life with my Brothers and Sisters long enough that they have seen the "real" Jackie. The Saints I live with have looked past selfishness and immaturity as I seek to live by Divine life. I have melted down quite gloriously at times, but all my fellow Brethren saw was the Christ in me as they "leaned towards yes."

This life comes down to a choice... am I willing to lose? Am I willing to die and let my plans go undone so that Christ can have His way, whatever that may look like? When living by Christ's life, He is always going to choose the way of grace. But what if someone is really doing something wrong, and leaning towards yes isn't what's best? It does happen, but it is extremely rare and I have yet to have it happen in my life. Usually the Spirit handles problems like that and human confrontation isn't necessary.

I began the blog with some wisdom that was shared when the Brothers who planted our church left over a year ago. Well, they are back for a visit this week and I would like to end with some additional wisdom from one in particular. "Love is not sentimental. It was costly." I think that sums it up. Living a lean towards yes lifestyle is sacrificial. It requires doing things I don't want to do. It costs the death of my desires and my agenda. It is humbling. It is beyond anything I could ever do in my own power and it takes Christ to do it.

Thanks for reading. Have a wonderful week!

Love,

Jackie

Another one...

2012-01-19T05:44:00.000-08:00

Here's the next post in the series, written by my Brother Mark. He is a great Christian and a great writer. Enjoy!

Click here

forgotten art

2012-01-16T01:58:00.000-08:00

The other day I realized just how much the Lord has taken care of me throughout the years. Not only did He keep me safe during my hay day, but He has given me the deepest desires of my heart and I get to live them out daily. I don't believe it's because I've done anything right, but because having so much to be grateful for bring Him the glory.
For a few years now I have wished and daydreamed about being good at something. Really good, like an expert. I mull over catalogs and research what it would take to become a master herbalist, holistic practitioner, or live out my dream as a counselor and open a home for girls. I have always felt like I was in some sort of waiting period while I raised my kids. Once they were grown, I could get to my real life. Along the way here and there I was encouraged by others telling me that being a mom is the most important job in the world *rolls eyes*, but it was too politically correct to even stomach. And besides, I know a lot of mothers who are also working or living out other dreams, while still being "mom." They are mom, but they also have something they are good at.
Christ within has been settling me big time lately and I am slowing down to become more aware of the present state of being. In recognizing Him and beholding Him, He has shown me something to be thankful for. I want to share why and how and make it very clear that it's by no strength of my own. Without Him being the Life to me and my family, I fail big.
Christ has given me the gift of homemaking. This is the revelation He's shared with me and I want to pass it along. Developing the best and right lifestyle for our family is important. Just like with everything else, no two homemaker's jobs are the same. I'll use mostly myself as the example.
When I moved out of my parent's home and into my husband's home I was starting from scratch. I knew how to clean my home well(thanks mom!), but everything else I did was pretty generic. I didn't have my own style yet as a wife or a mom. Over the years I have been drawn to read and seek out knowledge on how to keep my family safe in our toxic world. Not germs, germs can be good for us, but actual toxins. They are everywhere, specifically in our health products and food. I used to make boxed dinners and freezer dinners. I used to cook with toxic ingredients(and think they were healthy), but since have completely changed the way we eat. I spend a LOT of time in the kitchen. At least an hour per night just preparing dinner, not including cooking time. I used to give the kids sugar, sugar, and more sugar for breakfast and lunch, but have started making those from scratch as well. Over the years I have developed a system of collecting our recipes for the month, keeping track in a special planner, gathering the organic groceries from stores all over town, and making the time for preparing it all. You may not think that making food for my kids and hubby is an art, but when held up to what it used to look like, I can see that it is, and that the Lord has given meaning to it.
The Lord has been developing in me a desire to protect life on the planet. That passion has led to finding out about ways to live in harmony with the world, to tread lightly, and leave small footprints. A big part of our lives and how we do daily activities comes from this responsibility to the planet. My kids will see that taking the extra steps to hang dry clothes and compost our trash as a normal part of life. It's what works for us and I feel good about it.
Homeschooling, a biggie. This is an area of my "job" that the Lord has graciously given me a ton of passion for. We have discovered that Miss Charlotte Mason's methods work best and we make it our own. I love to write unit studies(small ones and year-long curriculum) and I love to pull existing pieces of studies together to make new ones. I love this part of my life and thank the Lord for that. It is Him who has called me to raise and teach my kids in His ways and He has provided the desire which makes it enjoyable. I love that we can saturate our day with Christ and it doesn't look like cookie cutter Christianity. It has been a process coming into my own as a homeschooling mom. As long as I remain open to teaching myself, the process will continue. I will always grow and mature in this area if I remain humble and continue on for the right reasons. I thank the Lord that He has developed the personal style perfect for our family's homeschooling and we can build upon that.
Another area of my fantastic job that I want to write about is my housekeeping. Boy, has this changed over the years. I have become a pro at multi-tasking, and sometimes I don't think that's a good thing. Most of the time it's helpful to have a lot going on, dishwasher running, whites in the washing machine, hanging clothes to dry on the line upstairs. Check. But other times I need to remember that I am keeping house so we can stay safe and healthy, NOT so we can have a spotlessly clean home. I could get carried away and clean all day long if I had the time. My whole attitude is changing though and I am learning to relax long enough to sit with and enjoy Chris and the kids. I don't want to miss time with them because I was cleaning. I have my daily chores that I fit into my schedule, but rcently I have turned my weekly chores into monthly tasks. It has helped my mindset so much and my house really isn't a whole lot messier! My husband blessed me with a gym membership in order to help me deal with stress and depression, but it only works if I go almost everyday. I have had to give up some things in my day to make room for that and cleaning was the first thing to go. My family doesn't mind me taking that time for my physical and mental health because they are reaping the benefits as well.
That leads to my final point. In all of my homemaking, what's become the most important part of my job is the atmosphere I help create. I have been entrusted with four beautiful hearts. These people love me so much that if I am not happy, neither are they. If I am having a bad day and have a rotten mood, they pick up on it. I take that very seriously. I once read that a mother's voice can instantly lower her child's anxiety level and blood pressure. When I began paying attention to how I spoke to my family, I was shocked. There was a time when I was taking my son to a class and realized I had scolded him(loudly) and nagged him the whole way there. I created anxiety in him and then sent him off into the world. I felt like a horrible person and was shown the ugliness of living in my own strength, again. I want to be the place for my kids and husband to come and receive love and nurturing. I want to build them up with my words and fill them with Christ's love. This is very much the most important part of my job. The art of homemaking is narrowed down to the atmosphere I am creating. More than anything I do, making sure my boys feel safe and secure with me is key.
So for now, I am a homemaker. There may not be degrees handed out, but I feel secure in that the Lord is making me an expert in caring for my family. Most importantly, I have complete faith in Christ, that He is my value. So even if my job remains a homemaker for the rest of my life, I am fulfilled.
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie

Blog series

2012-01-12T05:49:00.000-08:00

This begins a series of posts by some of my Brothers and Sisters in the church I live with, here in Gainesville.

Follow this link to read the first post... http://msy316.wordpress.com/2012/01/11/what-ive-learned-in-organic-church-the-difference-between-brotherhood-and-buddyhood-this-includes-sisterhood/

Enjoy!
Love you guys.

welfare as permanet income?

2012-01-07T05:49:00.000-08:00

So the presidential election is just around the corner. My husband asked me this morning if we had friends that we really trusted and looked up to. When I asked why, he told me that he really doesn't feel like researching the potential candidates and just wants to piggy back off some like minded friends. While we do have friends whose opinion I value, I told him I would begin the research.
This morning there was a post on facebook about Mitt Romney obviously funded by his opponent. I don't know much about his guy and if I voted today it would not be for him, but this commercial didn't make him look that bad. One of the main selling points in not voting for him was that he made money shutting down companies, liquidating them, and firing the employees. I wonder if we looked at each company individually if we would find prosperous business and honest hard working men and women? Maybe, but highly unlikely. I wanted to post a rebuttle so bad, but knew the explosive tendencies of one of the supporters, and wanted no part no that. And so this blog came to be...
My husband has a few employees and I am used to him having to go in and cover their shifts because of their horrible, lazy work ethics. His employees are constantly trying of get out of doing work. Because of his experience with "hard-working Americans" I think might want to re-evaluate the term. Most people my age and younger are excuse giving Americans.
If a company was not doing well, I see no reason why liquidating it and making money doing it would be wrong. The hard working folks are free to get a job somewhere that is doing well and the lazy folk are the ones that will struggle and complain.
If hubby's branch was shut down, he could find another job. He would look until he found one. Fortunately he's turned the branch around from when he first got there and it is doing very well now. He has worked very,very hard and there were times he didn't know if he would make it. If he wasn't able to turn it around we would have expected to get demoted or shut down. And we wouldn't have complained or run to the welfare office.
It seems like welfare and food stamps used to be a temporary help for those going through a rough time. It was in place for single mother's, widows, those who got too sick to work, and to hold families over until they could find a job. Instead it has become common for whole neighborhoods to be on welfare because they can't get a job. It's weird because I could walk down to Denny's right now and get a waitressing job in a pinch. And I have a questionable past. Chris and I once went through a financial hardship and I got a job in the evenings to supplement our income. We would have been eligible for welfare, but it just seemed like a very lazy choice.
I know there are a lot of struggling families out there that are using the government help for it's intended purpose... this blog has nothing to do with them. One of my children was on medicaid for the first few years of his life because even though I worked almost 40hours a week, I was in a tough spot and couldn't afford medical insurance.
I have a pretty solid view on the matter from a factual standpoint. I don't claim to be right, it's just how I feel. I know what the Lord has said about the lazy and know what He's said about helping the poor, and most importantly, I know the difference. But I don't feel good about mixing politics with religion any more than that.
Done my little opinionated post, thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie
p.s. vote for Ron Paul

my only concern

2012-01-05T05:53:00.000-08:00

I love Christ. I love Him, live by Him, try to turn to Him in difficult situations, & meet with others who do the same. For long time my purpose has been to try to live by the life inside that wasn't me, but Christ. For most of my christian life I would "hang out" with God. Throughout the day, at night, during difficult times, and when I was bored.
For years I lived by the Life of Christ, I just didn't know that it was called that. When I met Christ I was 17 and in a rehabilitative home for girls. We were free to know Christ organically. We were free to burst out in songs of thanksgiving. We had time set aside to spend with Christ in whatever way we wished. The group was untouched by the world yet. A lot of us got to spend our first year as a christian in a wonderful christian community. Because of that beginning I always felt free to have a close relationship with my Lord.
The second(the first is in another blog to come) absolute, most important lesson I have learned about living organically with others is this... Instruction is meant for me, not them.
Every word in the bible, every piece of correction the Lord has ever bestowed upon me was for me, not someone else. Living entwined lives with other christians, and being a female that likes to talk, talk, talk it can become very easy to begin telling others what to do. Especially in a situation where the Lord has shown me wisdom.
I think about my pastor friends and their job. They read portions of the bible and then come in everyday and share about how we can live the better christian life. Well, I think the bible was meant for each of us, and not someone else. When Christ says that he wants us to put others before ourselves, he is talking to me. That's not a verse I can use to bind others with, that verse is for me. When Christ leads me to die to my desires and agendas, He is not leading me to tell others to die to self too. The instruction is for me.

The first time I heard a series of teachings done by one of my favorite servants of God, I was blown away. It was a 9-part series about living by the indwelling life of Christ. It lined right up with what I knew to be true and it made sense in what was becoming a confusing world. I still listen to it often. Because of those messages Chris and I are a part of an organic church. I was so excited to be a part of something so great. What I didn't understand was that the best part of what I was doing was getting the chance to share the Christ that was inside. I didn't have to discard the Christ I had gotten to know and form a relationship with since my teen years. I could know Him and share Him. Not His instruction, not what's right and wrong, and not even His wisdom, but Him. And because all of His children know Him differently at different times, my relationship with Him looked perfect between Him and me. If we all were having the same journey with Him, what we shared of Him would be the same across the board. And it's so much prettier when we share different pieces.
There have been times when my path, my walk, looked different from another's. It's a beautiful thing. What separates us from a cult is that we live by the indwelling life of Christ... not the fact that we are all doing the same thing or feel the same way.
I am trying to teach this lesson on a smaller scale to my children. I recently overheard one of my kids telling another "Say sorry to me!" I reminded him that saying sorry was something that was his responsibility to say if he hurt someone. It is not his responsibility to tell others to say sorry. As far as he's concerned, if no one ever says sorry to him again, so be it. And to echo that to myself, if no one ever does what the Lord is encouraging me to do in my spirit, so be it. I am not to be concerned with what the Lord is doing in others. All I am to do is express Love.
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jakie

As a...

2011-12-29T06:13:00.000-08:00

As a human being I have the need to want to fix things. I want to work on issues an talk about struggles until I feel better. It's only been this last year that the Lord has quieted me in that area. As I am being transformed I am laying down the need to be pushy with what I want... even if what I want is a righteous thing. It's a work in progress, but I believe one day I may even express a meek and quiet Spirit(the Spirit of Christ) in every situation.
As a person I want to be liked and included in everything. When I hear about a group of friends that's gotten together I feel left out, naturally. Towards the end of this year I began to recognize that I don't even like being in groups. They bring on heaps of anxiety for me. I like being at home with my family. I also see that groups are meant to include(those invited) and exclude(those not invited). There are only a few types of groups that don't do this. Recently old friends of ours separated and their church has stopped talking to one of them. I would say churches were safe from being called "exclusive" but obviously not.
As a married lady I need to have security from my husband. I need to know that he only has eyes for me. I need to know that he'll never use his strength against me. Unfortunately we are not promised forever from our mere mortal spouses, but we are from Christ. So this year I learned that nothing is promised. Chris and I are the happiest we have ever been and more in love that I thought possible, but Christ is the only eternal thing.
As a mom I've learned that I know less than I thought. I know that while free in Christ, I enjoy His direction and am happy to follow His lead. This year Christ gave me new boldness in my parenting because it's all been by His life. Right now my kids are young and as a parent I have the God-given control and God-given authority. I am not blown by the wind by this or that anymore. I read homeschool blogs daily and subscribe to 3 hs magazines. Every time I'd hear about a new system or curriculum or style, I would try it out or simply doubt what we were currently using. I have also found my voice when it come to parenting philosophies that we've implemented. I am the only one in our church group that doesn't reward for good behaviour(we punish for bad and being good is it's own reward). I have been able to speak up and find my voice in this safe environment where no one wants to hurt me. Had I done this in the world I would have been steamrolled into changing or made to feel like I was being controlling.
I have one more... "As a Saint living by Christ's life I've learned...", but it's going to have to wait. That one's getting a whole blog entry on February 1st.
Thanks for reading and joining me in this eventful year of writing. No one replies on here, but so many of you have let me know that you read my writing. Keeping this blog has been therapeutic and helpful to me. The fact that you read it, is frosting on the cake. I love you friends and family!
Happy New Year!
Love,
Jackie

the point of homeschooling

2011-12-26T06:46:00.000-08:00

The point of homeschooling: This has been a major topic of discussion in our home lately. Are we giving our kids an eduction, or something more?
Last week we got some disturbing news. A fellow homeschooling mom, one in my group here in Gainesville, lost her son. He had been homeschooled his whole life and was enjoying his second year of college. He is gone. If all homeschooling is, is education, then this mother's years were a waste. This tragedy is showing me there is so much more to what we are doing.
Chris and I together feel that the most important goal of parenting is our children's soul, and that the Lord lives in it. I really want to write about why, in light of the what happened to my friend last week.
Something that I've really enjoyed is all the time spent together. I consider it a blessing when I see them at their worst because I feel that it's clear direction in what we need to talk about. When I see selfishness, rudeness, or anything in them, we take the time to work on it and seek the Lord about it. I was amazed the first time I saw Thing 1 begin to have friends and hang out with them. I thought he was a perfect angel and never in a million years did I think he was capable of bullying. I never would have seen that if I hadn't been there. If I was sending him off to school, I would only know the Thing 1 that I see at home.
I know each of their friends and friend's families. I only take them to spend time with the ones I know well. I had friends who took me into North Philly and showed me how to buy heroin when I was 13. Call it controlling, call it over-protective, I have seen a darker side of the human condition and I'm not taking chances with my kids. I am not losing them to drugs. The Lord promised that if I trained them up in the way they should go, they will not depart from it. He does not lie.
A benefit to homeschooling is closeness. A mom in my homeschool group shared that recently that she has an unusual closeness with her teenagers. A few of the others agreed that the normal teenage rebellion and attitude never happened in their home. There was a closeness between siblings as well as between parent and child. I am hopeful for this.
I am looking forward to homeschooling into the teen years, but only God knows. I want to live life together with them. I don't want a teacher to be with them when they discover new things and during the best hours of their day. I want that time with them. My hope for them is that they would have the opportunity to turn to Christ all day long without getting sidetracked. My hope is that they would choose the friends they want to spend time with and not be forced to be with kids in their class.
If my child dies two years out of their homeschool career, I will know that the time invested in their "education" was not wasted. I got time with them, closeness with them, and I will know that I invested in their soul.
My friend Mardy is confident that Patrick is with our Lord. She talked often about the grace required to raise a teenager. She was loving and forgiving and encouraged me to humble myself before my children. I can see that she did the same with her own children. When we first heard that her son had passed, Chris and I thought about how devastated she must be, after parenting & homeschooling this kid for 15 years, to lose him. But the more we talked about it we saw that this is where the rubber meets the road. We are training our children so that they know the Lord and are prepared at any time to meet Him in heaven. This life is a vapor and I often forget not to get too comfortable here. If my children serve their purpose in 19 short years, then I will be envious of them.
We homeschool because I can not raise them after school and on weekends. I have my hands full with 3 boys and I need all day. I want a closeness with them, conversation with them, and the time with them that I have right now. One day we may put them in public school, but right now the Lord has us here.
Our main goal in parenting and in homeschooling have nothing to do with our earthly lives. It's not about preparing them for work one day, or for college. Our lives as parents is to raise people who know Christ. In knowing Him all the little things happen. If our kids know Christ and He lives on the inside of them, they will be loving people. They will have a good relationship with their dad and me. They will put others above themselves. And best of all, they will be with our Lord when they die.
Thanks for reading.
Love,
Jackie

chillaxin

2011-12-19T18:20:00.000-08:00

Maybe it's the season, maybe it's a gift from the Lord, or maybe I'm manic, but right now I am happy. It happened without realizing, it slipped in through the back door while I was living my life. The other day I was noticing how calm I was beginning to feel and wasn't used to it. I actually started looking for something to be stressed about. It felt strange not being tensed up.
Something important that I'd like to note(mostly so I can remember it) is that I don't have anything major I am trying to get accomplished right now. I guess I used to be pretty pushy. It's relaxing not having an sort of agenda to carry out. A big goal of mine over the last [insert whatever amount of time here] has been to become more likable, to become worthy of notice, to get people to see the "good side" of me so they'll like me. I wanted to be thought of when others needed a friend. I wanted to push myself into being something to somebody.
Well, doing that was good and sometimes even productive,but I was stressed to the max all the time. I was wound so tight that the sound of my children laughing irritated me. I wasn't able to do it anymore. I needed to do a little more in our homeschooling and I had to cut back on everything else. So I intentionally decided that it would probably be a good thing if all my thoughts and energy went into the very practical act of parenting(which is a lot of what our homeschooling is). I know this isn't very spiritual and it would sounds a lot better if I wrote something about seeking out the Lord in my quiet time alone with Him, and searching for Him in secret places, and discovering Him again in the Word. But that's not what happened. Not to say that Christ isn't all over it though!
The simple act of releasing the desire to do more and letting go of the need to do more in order to be known and be liked, was the seed. And now I am feeling happy. I know that I am a part of my family, my church, my people that know me and love me. I am a part of those things without trying or concerning myself with my image.
I make mistakes. I put a both feet in my mouth at the same time. I say things that make me feel stupid later when I'm alone. But because I am happy and relaxed, I can find peace in knowing that it is always going to be Christ that accepts me through others. There is no need to explain or prove anything, unless I am trying to gain human attention and affection.
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie

parenting by the Life

2011-12-12T05:34:00.000-08:00

We were away for several days on a vacation. It was great! We went to Nickelodeon's Resort for families(which is super duper kid friendly). Chris and I are normally very stressed out when with the kids. We try to be great parents and it takes so much out of us. So the name of the game this weekend was "fun." We simply wanted to enjoy our family. Now, we definitely chimed in if the kids got too out of control, but we tried to keep a vacation frame of mind.
In the past I have looked at my friends that have really great kids and wonder how they parent so effortlessly. How do I stay on top of the guiding, praising, correcting, scolding, and punishing and have time to do much else? Answer... the same way I am being shaped and molded: by following examples. I have the life of Christ inside me and I'm pretty sure that's what gives me the desire to look to others. I have friends that I talk to when I need wise counsel on important situations, on how to handle conflicts, and how to show love and forgiveness when it seems impossible. It's simple... look to Christ, but I'm young in Him and in the time it takes to look to Him, I get distracted. In those distractions is where bitterness and selfishness creep in.
I look to others when I need to know how to do good things, not just how to handle the dificult siuations. Such as, how to share in a church meeting, how to have a friend, how to be a good wife and a good mom. There are some people in my life that I just love being around, they inspire me. Every time I am near them I am changed for the better.
It's great seeing two people disagree about a topic and not dislike each other for it. That was a biggie in my life... to disagree with a friend was cause for an end to the friendship. So I agreed with everyone. Learning to speak up when I don't agree has been terrifying. I feel like my heart is going to explode out of my chest, even for the small disagreements. But I am healthier and better in learning to speak up. I don't hold so much resentment like I use to. Looking back I see that I wasn't doing anyone any favors by behaving in a spiritually elite manner and then having negativity and bitterness spewed out behind closed doors. I know I seem like a silly child when Christ is working through something in me, but it's better than being a fake.
We are back home, back to normal life. I have taken vacation mentality and made it my new mentality when it comes to patience with my kids. I know I won't be perfect, but I'll let Christ be the change I need. I'll let my kids learn how to talk kindly with each other and show patience and love by speaking kindly and patiently to them. I will demonstrate how to deal with being frustrated by turning to Christ, and letting them watch me.
I used to have friends that were hot and cold. Sometimes they were friendly and humble. Other times they seemed jealous of everyone. The interesting thing was how their kid behaved the same way. It was crazy! I kid you not, this child was like a spiritual thermometer for the parents. I had never seen anything like it. When the parents were being kind, the kid would run up and say hi and hug me. When the parents were dealing with an issue, the kid was a punk. I am reminded of this all the time when I am tempted to complain about someone or something. Our kids take our words very seriously. If I am dealing with a conflict, I make sure that my kids have no idea what's going on. Number one: I don't want them to act unkindly towards anyone, and Number 2: I don't always forgive as quickly as I should and I don't want my kids to learn to hold grudges.
Fortunately, kids are resilient. I am just figuring out that if I yell at my kids to stop yelling at each other, they are more likely to listen to my actions than my words. I have a church full of women that have come alongside me and unknowingly helped me to be a better mom. They have done it by simply being an example. We have so many different parenting styles in our church and all of them have been helpful to me. I have been a crunchy mom from the beginning(crunchy=attachment parenting, by Dr. Sears) which is different from what most of the other moms do, but it doesn't matter. What we do doesn't hold a candle to how we do it. Watching how moms parent by the life of Christ is how I am learning to parent by His life.
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie

my true Saviour

2011-12-07T05:42:00.000-08:00

Last night Thing 1 found my old iPod. When I say old, I'm talking about 10 years ago, so yeah, old. It's really neat that he's just as into music and dancing as I was. I am glad I can share this with him.
After he went to bed I brought the iPod and dock into my room and listened to one of my old playlists while I folded laundry. Oh my goodness, there is nothing like music to transport me back to the past! Certain songs were so powerful that they brought up memories I hadn't thought of in almost a decade. I remembered whole parts of my life that I had forgotten. And as I realized how beautiful and safe my life had become, I couldn't help but get some answers as to why I am the way I am.
My husband told me recently that I'm not like other girls and that's why he likes me. I don't do girly things or hang out with girls in groups. I have friends that I love more than anything, some are also sisters in the Lord. I see them one or two at a time. Anything more than that I just can't deal with. It's just something about me and it's not up to me to change it. If the Lord wants it changed, He will initiate it. Hubby laughs when he turns on the netflix streaming and sees that the last thing I watched was Heroin Town. It's who I am and what I am interested in. Maybe for good reason... we want to open a home for addicts. A place where they can meet the Lord and clean up their lives.
Anyway, as I folded my 3 year old's tiny pants I remembered when it was common for me to wake up with the barrel of a gun to my forehead. My tweaked out, paranoid, thug of an ex showed his love in untypical ways. Often I had to talk him down from the metaphorical ledge going on in his head before he would remove the cold steel from my head. I wasn't the only one he treated that way. Sometimes we were subject to a home invasion by someone he ripped off or just said the wrong thing to. I became familiar with the click click of a gun being cocked outside my bedroom window. I got good at silently rolling onto the floor and doing the army crawl to the closest tub. Bathtubs are the place to be if bullets are being fired. Surprizingly, these were not my official "drug years." This was while living in Daytona Beach. These were the mild years compared to my time as a teenage heroin addict.
The only good part about being a heroin addict is that through all the trauma, I was unable to feel pain. Actually I was unable to feel a thing. I once spent 2 days trapped in an abandoned home in NE Philly and kept hostage by a group of bangers(gang banger). I remember most of what happened over those 2 days, but I still don't care... all the dope I was given did it's job.
As I ran through these memories and many, many more I couldn't believe how far away from all that the Lord has brought me. Just the other day I was giving myself grief for not going to an event I had planned on going to, when I should just be happy I can leave the house at all. The insane amount of pessure I have put on myself is rediculous. I can't be in a group of women without feeling so different that it gives me a panic attack. Guess what, because of my past I am different. I wish I could erase the past... one horrific act of abuse and volence after another(never by my family though, I have always had wonderful and supportive parents, go figure!).
I sometimes get upset because I don't feel quite a part of my female group of friends. It seems so easy for them to trust each other and let down their guards. They see good in each other and in life. I only see bad, and how they are going to hurt me, and why I need to have my defenes up.
Until last night I thought there was something wrong with me that would never be fixed. I saw that I am not posessed or evil, just damaged. Fortunately, Christ works well with damaged folks. He has been my true Saviour. He has crowned me with respect and has given me a beautiful life. How could I ever doubt Him? He is my Rock.
In Him there is no rush. I don't have the same past as most. I shouldn't expect to automatically be complete and healthy. The renewing and transforming of the mind is not a cookie cutter process, but living process. I trust that my Lord is my healing. All I have to do is somehow know more of Him. I am glad and thankful for life. For a long time I prayed to die. Every night that was my prayer. I felt less than a dog. I had no problem dying to self, I hated myself and was glad to see it go. Now here I am with a glimpse of Christ. He has given me so much life that I have become greedy. I want to be where others are at in their walk. I want to love as if I have had that all my life from friends and caregivers. I want to trust as if I wasn't attacked and abused by more friends and caregivers than not. But, for some reason it's my current reality that brings Christ the glory. And in this moment I am happy and grateful to be safe at all.
Thanks for reading one of my most personal entries, it felt good to write.
Love,
Jacke

poured out like a cistern of water

2011-12-04T07:29:00.000-08:00

I meet with others to express Christ in an organic way, as opposed to going to church. Last night in our meeting we did a skit. My husband, myself,and three others. In this skit, we attempted to portray the way at Christ brings us to Himself, despite other lovers in our lives. For years I believed that it was my good decision that brought me into a relationship with Him. I had said the sinners prayer and therefore I initiated the engagement... pretty tacky, I know.
The skit showed me going from finding love in a man, to drugs, to finding my peace in worldly beauty and things. All the while, Christ is tapping on my shoulder and I am ignoring Him. These other "lovers" are becoming my prison of thorns. Eventually that wall of thorns becomes a path that leads me back to Christ. But before I can even turn around to face Him, He clothes me with righteousness, with Himself. When I do turn to face Him I pour myself into Him, which was actually played out using a cistern of water.
When we were planning out the skit, the initial love handed to me by Christ is what got me. Before I could even say I was sorry, it was Him who prompted the ability to desire Him. There is no love that I can give to Christ that He didn't give Himself.
I knew doing the skit that there would be those who wouldn't understand what was going on. We chose not to narrate and to just let each Saint catch in their Spirit what they were prepared to catch. I was really nervous because normally don't share in a meeting and I was afraid of being judged. And although it was a quick, light run through of events I was acting out, it was truth. I spent the better part of my youth using heroin. I did despicable things for money. The friends closest to me died. I was trash on the street.
I have always had a tendency to try to make myself worthy of my Lord's love. Why would he want to be with me? I have hated being with me at times. But as I think about the faces of the Saints I see almost each day of the week, I can settle. I love the folks He has me with. The fellow Saints in my church are so beautiful and full of forgiveness and love. They overlook my faults. They accept me even if they don't understand what I'm feeling. I can see why Christ is so enamored by His Bride. He sees Himself in her.
In our skit we used thorns... actually it was brown paper tied around string and hung up on rods. But everyone was a good sport and went with it. What may have been the thorns that created the path, I saw as detours. Isn't that like our Lord... what we think are distractions from the plan are actually a part of the plan. I was in rehab. First a few short stays, then a long one. I was led down the path to Christ while in rehab. Another thorn-the aneurysm. Another-depression. All of these corridors were straight paths to my engagement to Christ.
And when I got to Him and poured myself out in front of Him, I saw that it was never me who did anything. Jesus Christ lived a perfect life. Then he died a gruesome death. And not only did He defy death and rise to life, but He chose me to clothe with love and righteousness.
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie

finding the quiet

2011-11-30T20:25:00.000-08:00

Okay, so it is a two blog kind of day. I am feeling a bit philosophical and can think of nothing better to do right now than write.
I am in such a cool place with the Lord. His voice is clear and soft and loud at the same time. I know it's not a common place to be because people look at me like I have 6 heads when I talk about it. It's a solemn cave. I am mournful and that's probably the best way to describe it. There are times when the flesh wants to talk and I feel the "pull back" in my spirit. This has to be maturity. Everything in me wants to correct a mistake or speak up if I know something, but I am stopped. I simply smile when those around me are quick to change something I say if they don't understand it. It makes us humans uncomfortable to see another going through something we ourselves don't understand.
Christ is too big claim any relevance on our own. It makes us feel good to know things, to accomplish goals, and to overcome obstacles. When I decided to not do any of those things for a bit, it hurt. When I decided to be wrong, especially when I thought I was right, I squirmed. I am by no means a humble soul... my flesh peeks through and I am self righteous, prideful, and argumentative. I am not talking about those times, but rather the moments when Christ is my all. When He is enough that I don't have to chime in to a conversation with my two cents. Those times are not at all what I expected.
For the longest time I didn't know that Christ was inside me. I had to live by faith because there was no other proof, if you will. Now, I am seeing, hearing, feeling, and thinking glimpses of Jesus Christ! I have proof enough for myself. He changes people and He's changing me. It took long enough.
I am truly fascinated. The will to be heard and be first is a strong one. I've lived my entire life by that will. I see most of the world living by that will. The only way I know I am being transformed is when I come face to face with those still living by the power of themselves. I have to be honest and admit that I am an extremely sensitive girl that holds grudges. It hurt me when people(usually those I don't even care about) would call me out on something I did or said that was wrong. I would look for ways to defend myself or find fault in them.
I think that the Lord created me to be so sensitive to those things so that I could see the change that was happening in myself one day. The world is a harsh place, but the perfect place to shine.
Thank you for reading.
Love,
Jackie

me and death

2011-11-30T05:59:00.000-08:00

I found out yesterday a childhood friend died. Cancer. It wasn't someone I had talked to in the last 10 years, but the news still stopped me in my tracks. Some of life's most memorable moments included this kid... he will always be a kid in my memory.
All day I seemed to be untouched by little annoyances. Next to the death, nothing seemed important enough to waste time getting upset over. I was glad to hear that my friend knew the Lord and is with Him now. More than glad, it's actually a reason to rejoice. As kids we were the furthest away from Christ a person could get. It's great to know that I'm not the only one of our old group who found God.
I started thinking about the sadness that's followed each death this year. Two of my grandmas passed away within weeks of each other earlier, during the spring. It was devastating and I still find myself crying when I think about it. As a christian, I am in the painful position of dying often. The basis of my belief system is rooted in a death on a cross, then a death in myself. I have died with Christ and I share in His resurrection.
The past year a half have been a painful process as Christ has increased in my Spirit. It sounds all mystical, but it just means that I have been recognizing His voice within and listening to it, then living by it. As that's been happening, the selfish, hateful, prideful, offense ridden Jackie has been painfully dying. It has not felt good. There have been times that I wanted to scream and punch someone and choose to stay angry. There have been times that I've felt used and discarded by people that I though loved me and I couldn't hate them for it. I've wanted to cut people off, retaliate, or just hold a grudge.
One thing that isn't really talked about in the christian community is the grieving process that goes along with the death of self. To lose the walls that I have worked so hard to build my whole life is sad. Don't get me wrong, I am glad it's happening because the end result is Christ glorified. But the process doesn't feel good. Just like when the physical self dies there is sadness, grief happens in the spirit too. I have often had to take days and weeks to give myself room to deal with the changes going on. Letting go of my will to be somebody, to live apart from Christ, is the hardest thing I've ever done.
There has been a major revamping of who I am and as long as I am breathing, it will never be finished. The core of my being is Christ, but the flesh is still there. In each small opportunity to become offended, to retaliate, to be a bitch, I am faced with the choice... to live or die? To live is to follow my heart, to die is to follow Christ. Fortunately, because a major breaking of myself has happened(the core of who I am, my flesh, is broken) each decision to turn to Christ gets easier. And each time the choice to live by Christ's life is made, there is rejoicing.

the process of death

2011-11-22T05:37:00.000-08:00

In one of my favorite books by one of my favorite authors there sits a paragraph that defines what I am going through right now. This Brother in the Lord is writing about organic church life and the seasons that it's Saints will go through. In the beginning, everyone will be enjoying the newfound freedom and it will "feel" like they are in love with one another. After time that feeling will fade and it's only after that, that we will see we never really fell in love in the beginning... we had to climb to it.
I can attest to all of it. When Chris and I first began meeting in an organic way, we became basically new christians. We had to slough off religion and allow our spiritual instincts to come back. The new freedom created intense feelings of euphoria and we thought we were in love with everyone.
It was almost a year before something happened. Something small, but I didn't like it. It got under my flesh. It was my very first real experiece of dying. I didn't understand why God had me in this spot. I tried all I could to not feel like a victim, but I clung to righteous anger. I had my first moment of thinking I didn't belong in a group. It was a moment that I now define as the beginning of my death.
It took a while to "pull myself together" after that. I tried so hard to turn to Christ all the time. I wanted to feel those loving, happy feelings like I used to. I was sure that what I was doing was wrong. How could I feel so bad all the time? I made the mistake of thinking that I wasn't turning to Christ enough.
For 9 months it went on. The same amount of time that it takes for conception to turn into birth. For 9 months I had to turn to Christ at every corner because I felt disgruntled. Everytime I was annoyed, meetings or situations didn't go as planned, or the love of Christ wasn't top priority in my life... I had to step back. I felt the weight of the world crushing on me so many times. I knew community life wouldn't be what I expected and that was all I knew. What scared me the most was when it WAS what I expected. When normal problems that only happen in the world began to happen in my "safe place," I didn't take well to it happening. At times it felt like I was a stubborn child holding my breath until everything went smoothly.
I am happy to write that the Lord got His way. Nothing changed, absolutely nothing... if anything the problems in my life are just as bad as ever. Except that I am not annoyed. I am overjoyed at the lack of annoyance!!
Christ gave love and acceptance to the unlovable and unacceptable. Could the Christ in me do that too? It's easy to be kind to those who are kind to me. During my time of death I felt like the Lord really let me have it... I felt more alone and unliked than ever before. And that's what it took to get me to die. There are still times that I feel like a cheapshot was taken at me and I want to give a rebuttle or defend myself. I am new at this being dead thing. But in all honesty, I can write that I truly love those the Lord has put in my path. Especially those who don't give it back, and that's how I know it's the Lord loving them and not me.
I am a grudge holder by nature. I want people to "lay" in the beds they make. It's only fair, right? As I fall in love with the human race all I can see is my own wickedness and the blood that was shed to over it. If I had to pay for everything I've done I would be in jail.
Dying is a process and it takes a looong time. The fact that it was so painful to do, makes it that much more exciting now. It's neat seeing Christ in this space where selfishness and anger had taken up residence for so long.
Death means an immediate obedience. Death means letting others hurt my feelings and not hating them for it. Death means sharing what we have even if we don't think it's fair. Death means not giving up on a person in need just because they've exhausted my patience or have not lived up to my requirements. Death means I don't get to choose anything, but Christ lives out His life through me.
I have climbed to love with my christian family. They are my iron and they sharpen me. I love them without reservation. I have experienced death and now I can die daily. My life consists of dying and there is no room for self in there.
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie
p.s. spellcheck is refusing to work... please forgive my mistakes

Taking time with Christ

2011-11-20T08:27:00.000-08:00

The Lord doesn't put all this pressure on me. I put it on me. The Christian walk has been full of "doing" in order to gain approval. (our Internet is down and I am posting this from my phone so excuse the errors.)
A few weeks ago I began to feel the Lord's leading. I began to feel His love and grace all over my life. I thought it was wierd because I wasn't being a superstar christian. I wasn't helping everyone all the time, I had no wisdom to share, and I hadn't really had an opportunity to go to any women's functions. I was simply taking care of my kids, taking care of me for once, and taking care of my husband and home more than ever. I have been leading a very busy home life and pouring into the ones entrusted into my care. I have been getting together 2 or 3 times a week with sisters/friends in our church community. I have felt the Lord's leading at each get together. He is full and rich during that time.
I used to go to every single gathering I heard of. In order to keep God happy, I kept busy. In the last few months I have slowed down considerably. And He has increased rather than decreased. He is meshed within and is present wherever I am! I am happy to drive all over town and even out of town to share Him, but I can be just as content to find Christ at home too.
Right now I am full of joy over the presence of my Lord. He is the life source I need. And when I am in communion with Him, the problems in my life, in my family, and in my church, pale in comparison.
It's much easier to lay my life down in the presence of a King. I had gotten to a place where I couldn't stand myself anymore. Stupid comments others made would get under my skin, and I was holding onto grudges like they were lotto checks. I was so busy trying to be the Body and keep busy, that my heart was becoming filfthy. Being able to relax in Him I have to time and energy to spend with Him.
That's all for now.
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie

exporing wisdom

2011-11-12T05:20:00.000-08:00

Wisdom and insight. They have been on my heart for no particular reason(really, it must be the Lord because I have no inspiration to think or write on wisdom.)
Different kinds of wisdom exists, but mainly human wisdom and wisdom that comes from knowing the Lord. I have been watching the Lord and how he moves in me and others. I know souls that have been blessed with the wisdom of God. I don't feel like I have much, if not any. Maybe I am not mature enough yet?
To be blessed with any wisdom from our heavenly Father seems like a prime opportunity to become arrogant. When the Lord chooses us for anything we run the risk of thinking there is something extra special about ourselves. I know I have felt pride in the past in my own abilities when it was the Lord who was working through me. I can imagine that it's hard to express wisdom and remain humble at the same time. I know Saints who are able to share a large portion of Christ while still remaining extremely humble.
His wisdom can range from knowing when to keep quiet all the way to counseling others. I have opinions, lots of them. That that kind of wisdom is no longer any good. If I ever wonder about the words coming out of my mouth I can line it up to the past... is it in line with what I know about the Lord in the scriptures? Is it in line with wisdom given by the modern day apostles? Am I telling this person what to do, or pointing them to Christ?
Lately I have been exploring earthly marriage as a picture of our heavenly marriage. The church can only love her Bride because He first laid down His life and love for her... then she loved Him in return. In an earthly marriage often the opposite is encouraged, the woman is encouraged to look at herself and see how she can change for the man in hopes that he'll love her back. That's not a picture of Christ and the church. I have seen this play out in my own marriage. As much as I tried to love him, he wasn't hearing it. Then we listened to a teaching from one of our favorite apostles that encouraged Chris to be the life blood of the home, to be the one responsible for change and to pour His love out on us. When that happened, our whole house changed. Our lives changed... because it was a picture of Christ and His bride. Now, if you are reading and disagree, that's okay. But this is not my wisdom. It has come from the Lord through an apostle.
The whole point of me talking about this was that I fought it for years. It didn't line up with my human wisdom. How could put that much responsibility on my husband? How could I let Him be the "head" supplying the life to me and the kids when I was 'just as capable?' The answer was not found in me, but in the words of a dear Sister... we, as the wives, need to lay down our lives and show patience and adoration for our husbands the same way the church does for Christ. This is radically different, even for Saints.
Sometimes the Lord's wisdom is hard to hear. Sometimes it's not popular.
The giver of the Lord's wisdom is almost always met with opposition or jealousy. The Lord won't always choose the same person to give wisdom through. Some insight is meant only for ourselves and not to share(says the blogger who shares everything that sits in my head/heart for more than a minute).
I love you guys. Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie

organic church life lessons

2011-11-11T14:12:00.000-08:00

Chris and I have been meeting under the headship of Christ in an organic way for 16 months now. It looks nothing at all like I expected. There have been several experiences I would love to blog about, but none have really grabbed me enough to write a whole page. So I am going to make a page about important lessons and revelations Christ has shown me as the Head and as the Body. For those of you not familiar with the lingo: as the Head means Christ as my Saviour and the rule He has over my life. As the body refers to the Christ I find within my Brothers and Sisters.
Number one: I am a new christian again and will be considered "new" for the first 15 years of meeting this way. There are ranks in every community setting, especially ones that involve religion. Just look at the modern day pastoral office. In organic church there aren't ranks. There is 'new' and 'not new.' When I first started meeting with this group I was so hungry for Christ. I didn't take it for granted the way I do sometimes now. In my new-ness I looked upon the Saints that had been meeting this way for 9 months as super-Saints. I thought that when I got to that point, I would know it all. It hit me the other day that I am a newbie and will be for a long time. And I am a-okay with that.
Number two: I am suspicious of those who claim to walk with Christ, but don't offer Him... or worse, offer something other than Him. As long as someone was Christian I soaked in every word he or she offered. Unfortunately, I was not given the gift of giving advice. I have rarely felt the Lord give advice through me. And anyone who knows me knows that I do not offer up any of my own advice. Even my best human wisdom is flawed. I am aware of just how little I know. Anytime I think I know enough to tell another what to do, I am probably wrong. I have been on the receiving end of human wisdom and the Lord used the experiences to teach me to listen to Him only(that includes Him in others too.)
Number three: God uses all things for good. Even what I think is stupid. Even when I feel like we're wasting time or making mistakes... He uses that. Sometimes I have wondered if maybe I am lacking a little Christ in me. I feel that Christ as the body gets stale or a little boring. A few weeks ago it hit me that IT'S NOT ABOUT ME. It may be boring to me. I may not "sense" the Holy Spirit at certain functions or meetings, but that doesn't mean that His will isn't being done. There are those that need to do whatever it is we are doing and we all need to support each other.
Number four: I am so aware that I don't know anything that by the time I hit "publish" I know that the Lord will reveal where I was wrong on all 4 points.
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie

manners

2011-11-11T04:42:00.000-08:00

Manners and etiquette is a lingering topic in my head right now. Yesterday I was searching my rolodex of scripture stored away in the head trying to see if Christ ever talked about such a thing. Then last night in my homeschool group I meet a woman(a really sweet retired teacher) that teaches etiquette classes. She teaches eating etiquette as well as appearance and basic manners. I was fascinated by how graceful she was and how peaceful I felt being around her. And right then it was clear that manners are so much more than which fork to eat with which course.
Manners are a series of intentional behaviors that de-alienate one in a social setting. Manners are behaving in a way that puts others at ease. From there I have thought about why I practice manners and it's usually to make others feel comfortable while around me. It's done out of goodness and love(most times) so therefore it's got to be Christ.
In thinking about chances I've had to show manners or show whatever the other option is, I realized that Christ play a part in those decisions. There ar times that I have been faced with a dilemma and a chance to show manners. Here's a metaphorical example of what I'm talking about... I had plans to spend time with a friend, having diner at her home. Another friend asked me to come spend time her. I really wanted to, but I knew I would have to lie to get out of the first dinner date. I couldn't just say "I am not coming to your home for dinner because I am going to spend time with someone I like better." It would be the truth and it would really hurt friend #1. So my options were to lie, or to tell the truth and hurt friend #1's feelings, or... show integrity and ultimate manners and keep the dinner date I said I would go to. I recently was put in a similar spot. It was then that it occurred to me if I have to lie or hurt some one's feelings to benefit myself, it's bad manners.
Then there are personality conflicts that make it hard to show manners. Being a shy, quiet person, it can be easy to ignore others. My kids struggle with that, especially the younger ones. An adult will ask them a question and I need to prompt them to reply. I know it's just shyness on their part, but it seems really rude to others.
Having bad manners goes way beyond not saying "please" or "thank you." Having bad manners can hurt people's feelings. Christ showed impeccable manners.
I have noticed that those with good manners are very forgiving as well. It's not polite to point out one's flaws. That's Christ for sure. It is polite to look past each other's flaws.
Christ invented manners. He is manners. We have taken the act of putting other's feelings and comfort level above our own and we have named it "manners."

itchy memories

2011-11-07T14:21:00.000-08:00

Yesterday morning I noticed a strange rash on both my arms. We were in the car on our way to the mud run(a race that requires crawling through the mud). I broke out in hives and it was itching me like crazy. I didn't think much of it at the time, but we happened to be talking about the hubby's aneurysm.
Last night things were going great. Chris and I have been getting along fabulously since the cruise, but then we started talking about our past. It really got me down. Even though we were noticing how the Lord has changed us for the better, just thinking about how awful life once was made me sick to my stomach. The hives came back.
Today was a good day. We started off the school week strong, burned 770 calories at the gym, and got quality time with the Littlest Thing. Throughout the day I kept noticing the date. 11/7/11... this was the day three years ago that we arrived in St. Augustine for the wedding I was in. I was a bridesmaid. I was happy to be out of town and with others. I couldn't stand my husband anymore. Actually, I borderline hated him.
So as I was making dinner I started thinking about that day three years ago. Right before the aneurysm. And then it hit me as I scratched my unbelievably itchy arm with a fork, my body was reacting to the memories.
And last night as Chris and I talked about our "beginning" as a couple I was scared and my body let me know that something bad was happening. There was a time that I couldn't even think about the early morning of 11/9/08 without having a full blown panic attack. I have gotten very good at controlling my breathing and being aware of my surroundings when the anxiety pops up, but my physical self can't be fooled.
I am not so foolish to think that we are out of the woods forever. I hope that the lessons we learned that night will keep us grounded and remind us to lay our lives down continually. But it's only been a few years. The night of his injury was traumatic. I walked in on him seconds after the aneurysm in his neck burst. I saw dead eyes when I lifted his eyelids and screamed for help. I watched others breathe for him until an ambulance could get there. Just minutes before that I was in trouble myself, screaming for help. Screaming for someone to come to my rescue. And now here I was calling for help for Chris. I thought that he was going to die because he probably should have. We were out of control people behaving like children. We were throwing away our lives because we were in pain and knew no other way to relieve it.
Not everyone gets a second chance. I know that it was the Lord who helped us put our new lives back together. If He did not choose for us to stay together, we wouldn't have. If Chris didn't turn to the Lord and change his behaviour and if the Lord didn't give me the heart to forgive, we would not have been able to stay together.
No one in our lives knew what was going to happen to us. We didn't know ourselves. If I could have seen a picture of our lives and our marriage today, I would not have believed it. Today I am completely in love beyond description. My husband is the biggest picture of Christ I have seen. Once in a while we go through a hard time and we fight a lot. I have found that it comes from old thoughts sneaking up on me. Also not seeing each other. He works a few hours away and has to go to bed much earlier than me to get there. I get stressed from being a single mom during the week. When we do things together, we begin getting along.
In 2 days we celebrate an anniversary. More important than the regular marriage date one. It's the anniversary of the nightmare that was beyond anything that I could have dreamt up myself, and it was simply a vehicle for Christ to show Himself. It is the day we celebrate our life together that we came very close to NOT having. It's the anniversary of the most awful and the best thing that ever happened to me. If Chris would have died that night I never would have gotten to know the beautiful human being he was. I never would have gotten to know Christ as my life giving, redeeming, magnificently powerful Hero. Christ performed a miracle three years ago. I hope I never take for granted the life He gave back to us.
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie

Christ on the inside

2011-10-31T06:12:00.000-07:00

I used to think that the church was the building that I went to on Sundays. Then, I thought it was the people that attended meetings. But then, this morning on facebook, one of the authors/church planters/friends I have befriended posts this... "The church isn't the people, it's the Christ in the people." ~Milt Rodriguez
I think that sums it up perfectly. And if I've learned anything in the last year and a half, it's that people are not wholly Christ, but do have Christ living in them. Sometimes we make choices and sometimes Christ in us is making choices.
In searching the gospels for some tangible advice, I stumbled across the beatitudes. I spent three months studying them in a class I took back in the institutional church, but they were kinda' flat to me at the time. They stand out in my current place in this journey.
We have a person in "there" and we have Christ. The person within, our personality, feelings, quirks, whatever is the one that gets to make the decision to take over, or let Christ live His life through us. When that person, me, gets humble, meek, feels sorrow, and forgives, the Christ living in there is my comfort. When living with others who have Christ within, we let the Christ in them comfort us too.
I know that a lot of people who are not christians think that christians are mean. They are right. We are people who have the living God inside of us. It's when we don't know how to, or don't choose to turn to Him, that we are just judge-y people.
It's like we have all this power, and pride in the power, but never let the power be powerful. Until we do, then we have what's called a "revelation of Christ."
I am an abstract thinker. Us abstract thinkers tend to need much time to ourselves. I can't be with others too much because then I can't do the things I feel like am supposed to do each day. I tend to see things from an outside view and can get "vision" from a far distance when I am taking my time. I have different times through out the week that I schedule time with others... or else it wouldn't happen at all. That is not the Christ in me, that is my personality, being an abstract thinker.
I am a part of the Body of Christ where we have other abstract thinkers, and concrete thinkers. I have noticed through out my whole life, before becoming a christian and after, the things that bond people. There always interests, hobbies, and having Christ within that bond us. But for all those things, it is the way we think and relate to others that bond us to the people we spend most of our time with.
I am a part of a large church. As far as organic churches go, we are beyond a mega church(according to a church planter).
It is Christ that brings us all together. We all have some amount(or portion) of Him inside. Some have chosen to turn to Him within more than others and so it's easier for them. Some are very new at the concept of Him living within. We all have Him, but none of us have the same portion. It's beautiful to see different people and personalities share Him and pour into each other.
We have the ability to pour into each other either Christ, or ourselves. It's hard to know the difference sometimes. It used to be that any good feelings were from Christ and any bad feelings were from the devil. I don't believe that anymore.
I have personal boundaries. When they get crossed, I usually don't speak up, but instead get angry, harbour resentments and pull back. When I am able to speak up and lovingly let someone know that a boundary was crossed and talk with them about it, that's Christ. It won't feel good. It will actually feel the opposite of good, but it's Christ. And it's for the good of Him. Christ wants all of His children to love each other.
The human (or some call it flesh) can do whatever it wants. The human in us is not bad. I used to get so upset when I saw humans behaving like humans. I would get jealous when I saw girl groups form because I am not a "girl group" kind of girl. But, there's really nothing wrong with that. It is okay to bond together based on personality types and human desires and lifestyles. It makes sense and I think the Lord is okay with it. I was having such a hard time trying to make Christ fit into a mold. I was trying to be a type of personality in order to fit in(all my life) when I don't need to fit in, in order to share Christ.
I can be the type of person that stays home most days and has the occasional day out. If I don't get "poured" into by another person, the Source Himself can pour into me and it's just as good.
Brother Paul was still getting His portion of Christ while in prison.
If a group is formed and the foundation is purely Christ, no one with Christ on the inside will ever be left out. But, our human selves can form groups(which is not a bad thing at all) and people can feel left out.
The Lord cleared it up for me. I was calling everything, and I mean everything, Christ. Forgetting that we still have human selves and human lives. And then I was getting hurt or offended when humans(which I was mistaking for Christ) were letting me down. I was losing faith in my Lord. And I doubted that Christ lived in me because I was screwing up so badly. It's that darn human side to me that keeps messing me up. And the human/flesh will always have wants and desires. Most of the time selfish... or loving, but with selfish motives behind the love. Darn the fleshy flesh.
Thanks for reading my loooong blog entry. It's been a rough morning so far(was sneak attacked by satan this am) and I just needed to write.
Love,
Jackie

from worry to contentment, that's how Christ does things

2011-10-27T05:58:00.000-07:00

A few days ago I asked the Lord for some things to happen in my head. In my 2 day long prayer I begged and demanded for Him. I wanted a certain thing and I wasn't stopping my prayer until it happened. I wanted to stop being distracted and to be consumed with Him. So consumed that the only thing that could "get to me" would be the absence of Him.
The Holy Spirit is a person, the person of Christ. This Spirit has a lot of opposition in a fallen world. This Spirit can guide a person, or a group of people, if they let Him. I have been nudged by this Spirit to spend some time in Philippians(a book in the bible for all my non-christian friends). And then a Brother in Christ pointed me towards reading it in the Message bible which kind of blew my mind.
Brother Paul said this...
"Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let your petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your lives."
Brother Paul wrote that in chapter 4, at the end. What does he say in the beginning? Why are people in Philippi worried? They had differences, they were holding grudges. Brother Paul planted a church. When he left, most of chapter 1 is describing what happened. Basically the Christians were not on the same page. Some acted differently than they did when Paul was with them. What's Paul's response...
"I've decided that I really don't care about their motives, whether mixed, bad, or indifferent. Every time one of them opens his mouth, Christ is proclaimed, So I just cheer them on!"
Paul also says that my attitude should be the same as that of Christ...
"Who being in the very nature God, did not consider equality something to be grasped, but made Himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made into human likeness..."(vs.2:5 says "your attitude should be the same as that of Jesus")
I move to Gainesville last year. We moved here for body life. Most people moved here for Christ, but we already had Christ. I moved here for body life(which is Christ in other people through daily living). I am a part of an organic church group. For some strange reason moving here did not solve all my problems. I still get distracted and start worrying about logistics and practicals. And I still don't understand how hanging out with a Sister for a few ours is what the Lord wants from me, but I do it anyway. It's enjoyable so that part's easy. I see that living community life leaves a lot of room for people to be left out and ignored. Community life is not what's important, Christ is. And I don't think Christ wants anyone left out or ignored so I am still unsure of why He designed His body this way. Instead of cheering that Christ is proclaimed, I get confused when I feel that the Spirit has me on a different path than the main group. I always automatically assume that I am the one that's wrong and I need to change so that I can feel what everyone is saying they feel.
I enjoy the Spirit of God. I like time with the Lord as well as time with other Christians. I realize that I have played all parts... the one of being "first" and the on of being "last." I have also unfortunately judged my Brothers and Sisters that do not worship the same way I do. I thought that I was a better christian because I was in an organic church. I read the new testament and see that the original organic church had the same problems we do today, institutional and organic.
I have spent the last year trying to get on the same "page" with a small number of people. I have been trying to be "one" with about 60 people. Surprisingly, I have yet to "feel" that. And as I read, I see that Christ doesn't require me to be anything with anyone else. He is the One that's joined me to the Body of Christ. For 2 days I have been asking the Lord to show me Himself and truth in every circumstance and situation. I believe He's shown me in Philippians.
We are One Body, but only because He has made us One in Him. Not because we agree on things, not because we attend the same meetings, not because we use the same lingo, definitely not because we get the same "feeling" that we should all do a certain thing together, not because I'm in the "clique" that seems to form in every building, town, or city that girls live in, not because I have a pastor, and not because I don't. We Christians are all one body because He made us a part of Himself.
I have Christ, I eat and drink of Him. I moved to Gainesville for an expression of Him that is something I feel the Lord wanted me to do. I was so consumed with getting community life that it became an obsession. Brother Paul hardly even mentions community life the way I have been trying to "do" it. Brother Paul speaks Christ.
And so I rejoice! And I stop being consumed with getting body life right, because it was right the day I became a christian. And I behave with an attitude like Christ(phil 2:5). Look at the Lord, recognize His voice in my head and follow His direction, not the herd's. The Holy Spirit will guide me if He wants me doing the same thing as everyone else or doing anything at all. He will guide me. Other than that, I think that I am supposed to enjoy and love my people.
My Lord is a lover. And He lives in me! So that makes me a lover of people too. Call it whatever... institutional, organic, body life, small group. The point is that He has joined us all together and all we have to do is live out His life.
Thanks for reading,
Jackie

the day we broke

2011-10-21T06:02:00.000-07:00

Being broken before the Lord. It's not something that happened the day I became a Christian. It is painful and deep. It's more than a revelation of Him.
When I became a broken person before Him, nothing could ever change that. It's not something that can be undone in my life.
Three years ago a metaphorical storm was brewing. Chris was about to have his aneurysm and everything that surrounded that. The people we were then are not the people we are now. We actually became broken before the Lord. Everything we were made of as humans and everything our marriage was made of was about to become completely broken and dependant on the Lord.
My husband made a horrible decision that night. It led to his aneurysm that was waiting in his neck like a ticking time bomb, to burst. The story was featured on our town's news and we were harassed and lied about. I had also been betrayed by my hubby that night in ways I swore I'd never let anyone betray me. I was actually planning on filing for divorce on Monday, November 10th.
On November 9th, when he had his aneurysm the Lord broke me, He broke us. The first few days I was still clinging to human reasoning and logic to get through the pain and devastation. Eventually, the pain and reality of what had happened became too much. I had no choice to not become completely emptied out, broken, and to lose myself in Christ. To hold on to myself or my life for one more day had become impossible. The bigness of Christ had short circuited my brain. I saw Him.
In the hotel room that night almost 3 years ago I watched as the Lord gave breathe back to Chris. Just moments before I watched my husband turn into monster due to alcohol and then watched him almost die. If it were just about me I would go into detail about every little thing that happened, but it wasn't just me so that's the extent to which I will say about it. I have began to write a book about the whole experience, but I will never let another person read it. It was such an amazing story of Christ's redemption and a second chance in every sense of the word, I had to tell it. There are countless ways He saved me that night.
Can I tell you that Chris has become a broken and changed man more than I have ever seen it in anyone? He has become the most humble, strong, and willing soul I have ever met.
It is a blessing and amazing that the night we almost lost everything was the night we both became broken before the Lord(actually it took Chris a while because he was in a coma and had to recover from a traumatic brain injury).
We still have hard times and because we are very different people we fight. Usually in the arguments and fights I can always find a little piece of anger or resentment about "that night" that was never let go of. I let go and we move on. One of his surgeons at the Mayo clinic had said that most people in his condition don't make it. Sometimes I wonder what life would be like today if he died. Sometimes I see a life flight helicopter in the air and have a flashback. I tear up as I thank the Lord for my family.
We didn't know the Lord like we do now, but we would not know Him the way we do had He not come down from heaven that night to walk us through it all. Today we have the freedom in Christ and the realization of Him, but it was almost three years ago that we became broken people before Him.
Every year as the anniversary day approaches I blog about what the Lord did. I may write a few this year as I am more grateful than ever. Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie

what's uncomfortable and scary

2011-10-20T06:05:00.000-07:00

Getting normal things done is really uncomfortable for me. If I have to make a phone call to request something or make an appointment I put it off because it scares me. I was the same way growing up. When my Mom or Dad would need to stop somewhere, like 7Eleven(from Jersey, remember) I would get anxiety and wait in the car. The only exception was when I was involved in institutional ministry. I thrived off of meeting and serving the homeless. There was never any hesitation there.
Now that I am a Mom there are lots of things that I have to do, especially with Thing 2 needing extra help for all things related to autism. It doesn't make it any less scary for me. If I could go through life and never have to venture outside of my schedule, my normal activities, my normal friends and family, I would be all set. But alas, appointments must be made, fittings for dresses must be done, and all kinds of out of things must be done in order to live a healthy, full life.
I'm also weird with new people. It takes me a long time to warm up to new friends or Sisters in the Lord. In my organic church group folks come to visit all the time. There have only been a few times that the Lord has allowed me to relax enough to actually spend time with them. I know that most people are excited when one more member of Christ comes along, but I get nervous. I like to take my time. I wish I were easy to get to know or that I could jump right in and make connections the first time I meet people. The most terrifying situations for me are getting into conversations that I can't get out of or for someone to think I was "lame" because I was boring to talk to. You are reading the blog of a giant people pleaser.
The cool thing is that everything I have done to improve life or everyone that makes life better was once one of those scary things. I resist the new and different. I don't like the shift of balance when a new chore or "job" is added to the day. But all of the great activities and everything I do that makes life meaningful and fulfilling began with a phone cal or an appointment.
It makes me feel uneasy when a new soul enters my life. I know and see that others usually flock to knew people. I avoid them. And then slowly, if a person begins to stick around in my life I grow to know and love them. Everyone that I am not related to was once a stranger that I avoided. And now I have people I love in my life.
I have fought this for 31 years. I have tried so hard to be different. I should be this or that, I need to be different, why can't I be a certain way?
After 3 decades I am done trying to change who I am. If the Lord wants it changed, He's in there. He'll change it. Also, maybe, my desire to stay with the familiar is just one more facet of the Lord? I know that the Lord is easy to come to, but sometimes He's not easy to get to know. Sometimes I really have to search and it feel like pulling teeth in seeking the Lord.
Maybe this part of me is like a part of the Lord. For some reason it seemed like being "this way" was a bad thing, but seeing a little something similar in the Lord lets me know that it's alright. It's not a sin, or even something to work on.
I still have to do scary things, like make phone calls. But knowing that the Lord created me to be a certain way, I don't feel like I have to fight it so much.
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie

the Lord is using it...

2011-10-15T20:51:00.000-07:00

The world, the church, and eternity is such a great place to start. I have read book after book about my purpose here on earth and have come to the conclusion that I am here, in existence, to know the Lord and to be His. I don't know what that will look like after my earthly life is over so I can only write about what it's like here on earth.
In a world with options and distractions, there are many chances to get off course. I want to be in love with my Lord and go deep into Him. I would love to take my children along for the ride as Chris and I do this together. It has taken us years to become a couple that loves the Lord together and finally agrees on Christ being the third "chord" in our marriage.
I have been dealing with some depression, as have some of my friends. I had one friend almost die a couple of months ago from a strand of ecoli. A few years ago my husband had an aneurysm and almost died right in front of my eyes. And then he almost died again 10 days later while in the ICU because of vaso spasms in the brain. My young grandmother of only 71 died this year.
When these things happened I loved the Lord. I turn to Him everyday even when I don't see or hear back from Him. It didn't stop these things from happening.
Lately it seems like He stopped showing up, but I still turn to Him because I will do anything for the chance of even spending a moment with Him. In all of these situations there is an opportunity to "know" something. There is a chance to butt my nose in and decide why it happened and what could have stopped it.
I could drive myself crazy with what if's. What if I never had a friend I loved die at 17 years old? What if I never became a heroin addict and saw the dark side of the human condition? What if I never got physically attacked after being drugged and taken at a bar? What if I never got depression?
I didn't know the Lord when these things happened. Does that mean I brought them on myself? Some would say yes. I would say absolutely not. I think my Lord sat silently by crying and praying for me, but I don't know.
In my short time knowing Christ this is the only thing that I have learned...
The minute I become concerned with "getting it right," I've already gotten it wrong. The minute I become concerned with someone else's walk with Him, or their decisions in life, or their opinions on why bad things happened to them... I have become the one in the wrong.
The only thing that matters is Him, Him in me, Him in others, Him in everything I see.
Good leaders know that and that is why I would not make a good leader. Every night I have to go back to the Truth that all the distractions are for those who want to be distracted. I do not want to be distracted from the Lord of the Universe that lives in me and wants to know me and spend His time with me.
It amazes me how differently I used to feel about wisdom, as if it was something acquired as Christ in me grew. I don't think that anymore. Because then I would have wisdom and I know I have none. Christ IS wisdom and He is in me, therefore when He's abiding in me, there's the wisdom. And that's all I have to share with anyone. My opinion doesn't matter, my intelligence, or lack of, doesn't matter. All that matters is the Lord that wants to live out His life in me.
I think it's funny to see busybodies running around doing the Lord's work. The church is groups of loved, dripping with Christ, hungry Holy Spirit filled bodies. When the church comes together, it magnifies the Lord. It pleases Him.
The church has no personal opinions because the church is only there for her Bridegroom. The church participates in community life with each other and with others in the neighborhood that need help... orphans and widows, homeless and drug addicts.
The church could care less if someone brought on depression or illness themselves because Christ Himself doesn't even care about those things.
The church is what I am ending this blog with. I wrote in the beginning about what my life looks like here on earth.
I only care about the mind of Christ. I love Him and explore Him and talk about Him with others. I do all these things and I still suffer with post traumatic stress disorder and depression. I still struggle with finding the will to live some days. Go figure.
And if anyone ever tried to tell me that my depression has to do with a lack of turning to the Lord, I would politely thank them for the concern. For I once thought I knew something too.
Thanks for all the feedback friends and family. I enjoy the random coments, emails, and words that have been shared because of my (lack of) wisdom.
Have a wonderful night!
Love,
Jackie

the most inspired blog I've written

2011-10-15T10:40:00.000-07:00

We are mere mortal humans. Yes, we are create to have the Lord live in us and infuse His live into us, but we are still human. We know nothing. The minute we think that we know anything, we are wrong.
There is a story in the bible that goes a little something like this... God asked a man to kill his own son. The man went up the hill to do it. Fortunately, the Lord told the man to stop and that he didn't have to kill his son. What if that man went around telling people, "Hey everyone, God wants us to kill our sons!!"
God gives us each our own problems, our own convictions, and our own ways to live. I would never try to convince another to homeschool, eat gluten free, go on medicine, go off medicine, to be a certain way, or to do a certain thing.
We are here to listen to each other and encourage each other on this earth.
My husband told me today that 5 years ago he did not understand depression. His response to my depression would have been... "get over it. We all go through rough times, right? You don't need medicine, just the joy of the Lord."
And that is the worst thing you can say to a person with depression. It would be like he was assuming he knew anything. We are not here to "know" things. We are here to love one and another. We are here to encourage and listen to and be with one another.
After I went off my medicine in March(completely my own choice) I experienced depression. Rather, I lost the will to live. I lost the ability to connect to another human being. It was not the same depression I felt after Chris' aneurysm or after I had a baby and was depressed for 6 months.
Chris saw for the first time that this was beyond my control. And since the Lord was not taking it away, I just had to find a way to live with it. My husband saw that this was unlike anything he had ever seen.
The minute we become more than a trusted friend, brother, or sister and we begin telling people what to do or that our convictions from the Lord should be their convictions too, we're wrong. We don't know what the Lord wants from and for another person.
I used to think that homeschooling was the Lord's will for Christians. I would read the scripture that tells us to train up our children in Him, and take that to mean we need to homeschool. What I have come to realize is that it's only what the Lord wants from me and that to put my conviction that homeschooling is what Christ wants from everyone on another, is wrong. The Lord doesn't give us instructions for others. He gives us instructions for ourselves.
As I end this I would like to add that I know nothing. I only know what I know for my family as far as what the Lord wants. The Lord gives us knowledge pertaining to our jobs, our roles in social circles, and our missions. Beyond that, we don't know anything. Even leaders, even (most)doctors, and even the president... the Lord's the only one with wisdom.
If you come across someone in crisis, please don't do anything stupid... like tell them it's not real, everyone goes through "this", to go against their doctor's wishes, or give any kind of wisdom at all. Only God can give wisdom. (Yes, I know God lives in us, but that should only make us see even more how little we really know!)
If you don't understand something, that doesn't mean it's not real. Just listen, love, and try to remember that our convictions are our convictions and not for everyone.
I have gotten so much positive feedback from these blogs about depression. More of my blogger friends than I ever know of struggle with depression or family that has it. I am glad that I am not alone in this.
I also know that I have a lot of readers who don't have this and so I really just want to shed some light on it. The best way to help is to love, not to give knowledge and wisdom for another person that we don't have. Usually it ends badly when we do that anyway. :)
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie

the seen and the unseen

2011-10-12T06:17:00.000-07:00

Today I realized that the unseen realm is scary. There are 2 realities that go on and some people live in one and others live in both.
One the one hand, there is life. With jobs, cars riding down the streets, dinners in the oven, kids that need to go to school(or be homeschooled), groups that meet for Christ, groups that meet for homeschool, groups that meet for recovering folks, there is facebook and phone calls, and bustling life.
Then there is another reality, the one that some people can't see or understand. A friend checked him/her self into an institution today because the depression got so dark, all they could see was the gray. And I realized that we live on 2 realms. Yes, this person could have had all the normal life that goes on each day, but the unseen was too much to bear. I know that with me it is a lack of a chemical in my head that causes life to turn gray. I just went through something like that myself. At one point I told my husband that it was getting too much to bear and I might not be around much longer. Fortunately there is an ebb and flow to the unseen and the despair passed.
The unseen realm is "easy" for most Christians to talk about because we know that Christ is good and if He's in the unseen, then how can there be darkness? But it's just like this world, there is good and bad. It's so much harder to accept that there is a scary dark thing out there that we humans call 'depression.' I know that some don't accept this. I met people in the first church I ever went to that accepted the good heavenly realms with Christ, but not the darkness that people go through too.
Today I am going to have a hard time homeschooling, exercising, cooking, baking, and seeing Sisters because I know that while all this goes on, there is someone I care about sitting in a hospital fighting the darkness. I don't understand why some people have to fight off the gray bland-ness of depression, but I hate it.
For those of you that read me, but don't understand the difference between normal stress/life induced sadness, and depression... here's the difference in my life. Sadness is feelings. Depression is uncontrollable thoughts of dying along with bouts of despair and absolutely no hope that life will ever be good again.
A very good friend of mine just helped me through my downswing of depression. One of the most helpful things she kept telling me was that it would end soon. Because in this other unseen reality, I couldn't see that it would end. In the "gray world" it seemed like it would go on forever and the only end to it would be death. Chris and I are so grateful to her for not making me feel crazy and reminding us that it would get better.
I was shielded from the "seen" world and from anything else that felt crushing. If I didn't have someone to do that, I would have had to check myself in somewhere.
I know that my blogs have been dark lately. I'll perk up soon enough and start writing again about homeschooling and organic crap, but I am in this place. I also know that there are those with depression who read this, and maybe they don't feel so alone.
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie

I'm His

2011-10-11T05:38:00.000-07:00

Christ gave his disciples one new commandment right before He went to the cross.
John 13:34 "I give you a new commandment: That you should love one and other just as I have love you, so you too should love one another. By this all men will know you are my disciples..."
In going through a dark, depressed time I have asked my husband over and over again... what does the love look like? It's the lack of what I think love is, that's hurting my heart.
I want human connection. I want another person to desire to talk with me, know me, hug me, or just be with me. My husband and my children give me that. It's a beautiful picture of Christ. But sometimes I want more.
Here's what I think love looks like. I think it's everything Christ did or said. I think it's so much deeper than we could ever comprehend. Love is reaching my arm out and giving to another that can't give back. Love is being kind to everyone, not just our friends. Love is putting myself last, but knowing that in Christ my worth is immeasurable.
I feel so isolated. Being a Christian in this point of my life is the most isolated, lonely thing that I have ever done. But I am doing it to follow Christ(in what that means to me and Chris.) I had friends and groups and playdates and people. I left it all for Him because He called me to a town with people I barely know, but those He wants me with. It's scary. What if I live here for 10 years and don't make a single friend? What if I never get the human connection I feel I need?
I feel the Lord telling me "So what? You follow me."
Following the Lord is hard and scary. I can tell you that I was elated when I began to know and discover Him, but then came the cross. It's easy to love Him when everything is going well and I have friends and a social life, and my husband is home after work, and things were going my way.
I am starting to think that the Lord took away my human connection with everyone but my family so that I could face this cross. Would I still love Him when no one calls for weeks and weeks? Would I still love Him when I open my heart up and get no replies? Would I still love Him when I feel like I will be alone forever and I can't take the pain anymore?
The answer is a YES!! Not only that, but I will love others too. And that's how I'll know I'm His and he hasn't left me. I'll love those who don't know me, those who reject me, and those who the Lord places in my path because He is all that matters.
Even if it stays this way forever, I will love Him.
Thanks for reading,
Jackie

I'm free and I'm ging on a cruise

2011-09-29T20:43:00.000-07:00

I don't care! That's right, I finally don't care about the world, about my problems, about what people like me and what people don't like me. I don't care about being politically correct in order to please politically correct people. Christ is not afraid of me. He's not afraid of my problems and all the scary things about me.
I want to express Him, but I also want to love Him as if He were on the outside of my body too. I like thinking of Him romantically, like a first love.
It's so great to know Him and love Him even through the sadness. And tonight it occur ed to me... not many people like me all that much. I am difficult to get along with(I suppose, why else would I be so alone?) and maybe even awkward. I've had a past that not many people can relate to, so I can understand why I don't form connections with normal people. But I love Christ with all my heart. And I love people too because Christ lives in people. I am not a flesh lover. Friends are of the flesh and I don't really have friends.
I am a Christ lover, passionately! And people have Christ in them. So I love people for that reason alone.
And that has made me free. I can be comfortable in my skin because I don't need approval, I need Him. I need the One who fills me. I need the One who created me to fit inside of Him.
This revelation is not the end of my insecurity, but the beginning of feeling comfortable in my skin and in my life. There will always be those that look down on me because of my parenting, because I am not a good enough wife, or because I am not fitting what they think I should look like. There will always be an opportunity to fall victim to the views of others. I have been crushed under the weight of trying to please the world and the people in the world.
But the Lord has not left me. He is still in me and He will never leave me again.
You may be reading this and thinking that the Lord had never left me in the first place. You may be right, but having a complete nervous breakdown due to depression kinda blocks Him. The will to live was taken and the Lord was nowhere to be found in that. And I'm not afraid of being politically incorrect in saying that.
I have always been somewhat of a loner. I now have the freedom to be that loner. Don't get me wrong, am not going to live a solitary life out in the woods. But I am giving myself permission to have a friend or two and beyond that, not have "friends". I love all people. I love all people because Christ lives in so many and He created all of them. So I love all of them because of how darn much I love Him. But I am going to stop trying so hard to have friends, or try to make people like me. I don't care anymore about people liking me. Truly, the weight has been lifted. But, I love you. Whether you like me or not, I love your socks off!!
Tomorrow is the last day I will be online for a week. My husband is taking me on a cruise. I not packing 1 tee shirt on this trip... all nice non-mom clothes. :)
After that I have a Sisters retreat with ladies that I share Christ with. I a not real sure what sharing Christ means anymore,but looking forward to exploring what it is. Because I want to please Him and I think it would please Him. I don't really know if these ladies like me all that much, but I know they love the Christ in me so I am all in!
I will be back in a week and will have lots of pictures to share and maybe some stories to write about. Hopefully my cruise ship won't sink and hopefully I can flirt so shamelessly with my hubby that he develops a crush on me all over again!
Love,
Jackie

light on darkness

2011-09-19T17:31:00.000-07:00

When I was seven years old, something happened in my body and in my mind that changed the way I saw the world forever. I will never forget the moment the wave of sadness covered me. It felt like a heavy blanket was being laid on top of me. In school I would write about being sad and wanting to die. My teachers were alarmed and my parents did everything they could to help me not be sad. Counselors back then didn't know much about childhood depression. It's not much different today.
About 6 months ago I woke up one day and decided that I couldn't deal with anything. I quit everything I was doing and involved in, and I laid around crying for a few weeks. And then it went away and I got better. I had no idea what had happened. Depression was something I dealt with as a child,but never in a million years thought that it followed me into adulthood.
A few weeks ago I began to feel the same strange things. My vision of life and the Lord became clouded. I couldn't see past darkness. It wasn't as if I was trying to look at the worst in people and situations, but I couldn't see the good in anything if my life depended on it. I couldn't stand being in my own skin. I was struggling to find the will to live. Even with Christ as my life, if chemicals in my head, such as serotonin, aren't getting to were they need to go I will stay "under the blanket" of sadness.
So for weeks the sadness has been lingering. And nobody knew because the only words I could get out of my mouth were that I was having a hard time and I was sad. I could never let the words "I want to die" leave my lips. And I began to hate everyone I knew because they got to have the will to live. I would see a lady driving her car down the road and think that she is so lucky because she probably feels some level of hope or joy. It happened over and over. I gained weight, started oversleeping by obnoxious amounts of time, and I was in physical pain.
I started seeing a doctor and was diagnosed with a form of depression. It is a serious kind. Most people that have this aren't able to keep friends or stable relationships. When I read that I instantly became grateful for my husband. I know he would never leave me and that's never been something I've had to worry about.
There is a stigma attached to depression, especially rapid cycling bipolar depression. I was afraid to be crazy. In the past when I would have a breakdown and all the sadness, paranoia, and pain would come crashing down on me at once, I would just leave. Better to leave than have to stay and explain what my problem was.
I have decided that I want to be healthy. I can never get rid of this, but I can learn to manage it. Counseling and medicine and professionals are here to help. I didn't want to seek help because I felt so much guilt about being alive that I didn't want to spend my family's money on counseling. I also didn't think I needed it because I had the Lord. Last week my problems became bigger than my desire to control it my way. Or control it at all.
I am going to be open and honest and never again pretend that I don't suffer with this. If you read this blog and you know me, I am still the same person. I just no longer want to hide that I have depression.
It makes me hard to get along with. It makes me paranoid and therefore, alienated. It makes me irritable, shaky and full of energy and ideas, or low and unable to leave the house. It makes me want to leave everything I know during an upswing in the cycle... including my marriage(like I said, my hubby is amazing) and run away. During a downswing I quit everything in preparation for falling off the grid.
I am blessed to have a few close friends as well as my family, that aren't afraid of my struggles. It reminds me that there is still good in the world.
I plan on taking advantage of this time and writing through it(in a private journal). Some of my best writing has come during times of darkness and recovery. Having decided that I am going to be open about this illness, I feel the weight of the world lifted. Who knows where I'll be a year from now. I just know that I'll be okay. Thanks for reading.
Love,
Jackie

illness in our bodies and our minds

2011-09-07T05:55:00.000-07:00

A natural, physical world exists and a supernatural, or spirit, world exists. The more I come to know Christ the more the lines becomes blurred.
I learned during childbirth just how much power our minds and our will can have over the flesh. The physical act of pain and the supernatural world I remained in, in my spirit, joined and I was able to control the pain with focus of the mind. As a christian that chooses to die to myself and remain in Him, Christ's will is so much more powerful than mine ever was.
I have seen more than once someone have pain and flu symptoms for loooong periods of time while having nothing physically wrong. Completely fine and healthy inside the body, while truly feeling the sensation of pain and nausea. When someone believes they are ill and feels symptoms, then actual illness follows because a healthy lifestyle is not kept up. When the soul and mind aren't fed with time in the sun, time with friends doing things we enjoy, and eating foods we love we will begin to wither. I have also known friends that have been sick in the body, yet totally healthy in the mind and have very few symptoms. My grandmother that just died was extremely ill for a few years and I had no idea. She was a beautiful picture of strength, although I wish she would have let us know so we could support her. As I began to find out more about how she died and the illness she lived with, I am amazed that she was able do everything she did while sick. She was a tough broad.
Something really interesting I noticed a few years ago was the pattern of pain in the last several years of my life. What I am about to write is a testament to the power of the will, the mind, or the Spirit in us.
I have been in physical pain since shortly after Jake was born. It was a difficult and complicated pregnancy. The pain afterwards was often severe and I spent lots of time on the couch or laying on bed. I got surgery to help alleviate some of the discomfort. A week after my surgery Chris had an aneurysm. He was "out of commission" for about 6 months. During that time I had to handle everything... bills, housework, cleaning, cooking, taking care of the kids, driving Chris to and from rehab, caring for Chris(I had to help him shower and get dresses for the first month), and everything else that husbands and wives do to care for a home and family. I was busy, but I did it all and never noticed pain. I didn't have time for pain. The same month Chris became self sufficient and went to work, I started feeling pain in my abdomen. What the heck? I tried hard to pretend that I wasn't hurting. I pretended to be in charge of everything again because maybe I could trick my body. It didn't work. Within 6 months I had a hysterectomy for pain caused by endo and adenomyosis.
I think about that time often. Was it really because I was so busy that my mind was overriding my body and I wasn't having to deal with pain? Was the Lord taking the pain from me because I wouldn't have been able to care for my family? I don't know, but when I feel pain now sometimes I wonder if I just need more to do (just kidding).
I went to the doctor yesterday. I learned how to relax and breathe through painful or difficult episodes. My doctor is big on health, nutrition, yoga, and the avoidance of prescription medication. She was letting me know that stress, depression, and drama will make the sensation of pain feel worse than it is. This is a doctor telling me this. So sickness and pain can absolutely begin in the mind and manifest in the body. Does that make it any less real? Nope. I pray for both the same. When a person is not well we never really know where the origin lies... head, body, or both. When I was a kid I would pretend to be sick so my mom wouldn't send me to school. Whenever I fought with my friends I would want to stay home and nurse my little 6yr old frivolous wounds. My mom knew that I wasn't truly sick, but she would give me attention and affection and lots of love. Just saying I was sick when I wasn't is letting her know that somethings wrong, something isn't well, but it's in my spirit and not so much in my body. I think it's just easier to say we don't feel well in the body.
We are so intricately connected. We can heal ourselves with the faith of a mustard seed and we can also become very sick just by being unwell in the mind and spirit.
I have to end this now, running out of time!
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie

when the burden is heavy

2011-09-04T05:30:00.000-07:00

I admit it. I am overwhelmed a LOT. I have become very busy because I have taken on many things over the years. Some of it has been because of personal beliefs and convictions. Some of it has been convictions from the Lord. I don't regret doing any of the things on my plate. If anything I believe that everything I do and everything the Lord gives me is good. I enjoy my lot in life very much. I know how blessed I am to be at home with my kids. But it doesn't stop me from feeling like I need a break. It doesn't keep me from feeling lonely.
Lately I have been feeling wound up. I keep waiting for a break to come. Usually on the weekend Chris watches the kids while I grocery shop and run on the treadmill. This Saturday I didn't get that. Chris wasn't feeling well so I brought the kids with me. It's hard to enjoy my family because I feel so burdened by the responsibility of taking care of them. Last night I couldn't sleep. I was sad and trying to seek out the Lord to find my strength to keep going. It would be all too easy to break down and just quit. I could quit homeschooling, quit organic church and get my husband back, quit everything that isn't just for me. I just became a direct sales consultant for 31. I have no desire to quit that because it'll get me out of the house without any kids.
In my time with the Lord last night He brought to mind His yoke and encouraged me that it is light. But I don't really know what that means. Why do I feel so burned out and run down?
In the last few days I have been more vocal about what I need. I have let my husband know that I need some time soon. Time for myself. That's hard to do. I don't ever want him to think less of me as a wife. i don't ever want him to think that I can't handle taking care of our home. But I think that the Lord is wanting me to ask for this. I also had another opportunity where I spoke up about a desire I had involving more rest for myself in a situation. I felt like I was going to have a heart attack, but I did it. And it's because I am desperate for what I need. It takes being at the end of myself to reach out and ask for things. And that's where I saw Christ.
It's that way with Him. It takes being thirsty for Him and hungry for Him before seeking Him out violently. A well fed girl isn't going to do whatever she has to in order to get food, but will be more relaxed and willing to wait. Christ is my daily food. When I am in a land that has plenty I can become lazy and unappreciative of Him. When He is sparse in my life, I must look outside of myself and seek Him out.
As I wrap this up I begin to feel the heaviness of the day weighing on me. The hubby is at a race today and so I need to get the kids ready, pack up our games and food and go cheer him on and support him. And after that I may just ask for a break. :)
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie

for goodness sake

2011-08-31T07:04:00.001-07:00

Last night we had some friends over. We sought the Lord together and shared Christ. By the end of the night I came to see that the "something" that was lacking in my life was Christ.
When I am not abiding in my Lord I distract myself, with homeschooling, with parenting, with housework, with anything that gives me an excuse not to think about the giant hole in my life.
I had something unexpected happen at my last doctor's appointment. I was told I had a "thing" that I'd have for the rest of my life. I was sad because I didn't want to have to struggle so much all the time for the rest of my days, but glad to know what was causing my symptoms. For the rest of that day I was calling on the Lord. I felt like a child on His lap. I knew He loved me and I wanted Him more than anything.
But the day came and went, and I was left with the diagnosis. I was upset and irritable. I stopped turning to Him because I began to feel angry and cast aside. I started feeling like life wasn't fair.
The things that were all blessings from the Lord, like homeschooling and parenting, became distractions. I distracted myself. I thought that we needed to move back to Jacksonville and find a nice church to "attend." And that way I could just blend in with everyone and not have to talk to anyone and nobody would know that I wasn't even a christian. How can I be a christian when I am not seeking Him, abiding in Him, and hearing from Him? If He lives in me, shouldn't at least one of those things be going on? The solution seems simple, right? I should just start turning to Him. I couldn't. And I can't really explain it more than that. I felt like I couldn't turn to Him. Because of everything going on, I thought He no longer wanted me or loved me.
To show the power of living in the Body of Christ, I'll expand. When I was with another person who is in Christ, I felt okay. When I was dealing with an issue that involved another person in Christ, I was able to deal with it in love, and I "knew" that I needed to be speaking and acting out of love. I did what I knew simply because I was connected to others. It was as if I was living off of the Christ in them.
I am happy to type that Christ is magnified today. In a teary filled confession that I feel like a "fake" and Christ isn't in my daily life, He became real and big. And I realized that I just went through somewhat of a dark period and the presence of Christ was gone. But now it's back. I don't have to pretend to abide in Him because I am.
And as I sat down to type a post in my Crunchy Mama blog, I thought that maybe I could actually try to write about Christ this morning. While writing about homeschooling and special diets is good, sometimes it just hides what's really going on.
Not all is perfect. Daily life still brings struggles. I still have pain. I still have all my little quirks to deal with. Just like everyone else. It will all be handled in Christ today. There is a death and a resurrection today. There are crosses today. I have the joy of the Lord today. His strength is being used to write this now.
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie

sunday

2011-08-14T13:09:00.000-07:00

After years and years of struggle, Chris and I are finally at a place where our commitment to eachother is no longer our own. We have submitted our lives and our marriage, as well as our parenting to the Lord. It's all His and we do as He wishes with them. Someone in my life that's going through a very difficult time told me that he looks to me as an example of coming through hardship to the other side of being healthy and happy. Who would have thought?
Since hearing that I have stood back and looked at all that's happened and the time that it's happened in...
I was an angry and miserable person. Never in a million years did I think that I would be a good example of anything. I always looked to those who didn't have the same traumatic events happen to them as the ones who were healthy. We all have bad things happen in life, but it seemed like I got the short end of the stick somewhere. My husband often tells me that I have had more to deal with in one life than anyone should ever have happen to them. It seems like "once in a lifetime" events happened every few years for me. I was the LAST person to ever be looked to for an example of anything good.
I hadn't realized how much had changed in three years. I didn't know the Lord was so big. And I can't believe how quickly he works. After Chris had his aneurysm I thought I would never be the same again, in the bad way. I could feel my spirit and soul shutting down. It felt like I was entering into a nervous breakdown that I would never see my way out of. It was the straw that broke the camel's back in my life. We could never have a normal life or a normal family again. I would never have the nice life that I wanted, being a stay at home mom with a husband that loved me and a group of great friends.
I was wrong.
I can only give credit where credit is do and say that it was Christ working in my life to restore everything. (This is the part of my blog where I shamelessly brag on my children.) I even got to be a good mom. I am not a kids person. I don't really like kids and have always had to struggle to maintain patience with them. But, the Lord opened these hidden doors in my heart that weren't there before. It was love for my children that was hidden in my heart. Ben made me a mommy, Hunter made me a good mommy, and Jake made me a fun mommy. My kids are too good. I don't deserve such well behaved, loving, warm hearted little boys. My kids love the Lord with all their hearts and are able to share that love with the world. They are the most forgiving and unselfish people I have ever met. And it's not because of me. If any good came from my parenting, it was only while I was acting on the indwelling life of Christ. As I type this my three year old thanks me for a 'nummy' dinner. Ahhh, it doesn't get any better than this.
I'm not the most spiritual of folk and I don't give the best advice. I don't get asked to do the important things. I don't lead anything and I'm not knwon for anything. I am, however, the best at my life.
I homeschool the heck out of my kids and see the beautiful results firsthand. No one else could do it better and I am the best of that. I love, love, love to type out my thoughts and feelings and have begun to write a book, a kindergarten curriculum, and I write articles for a nationwide homeschool magazine. I won't say I'm the best at those things, but sometimes when I get published, or simply get good feedback, I feel like the best. And that's good enough for me.
I have a husband that adores me and does anything for to make me happy and secure. If something really bothers me, he stops. If I really like something, he goes out of his way to get more for me. We are good at being married. I take pride in caring for him and know that I am the best at that.
The Lord has given me gratitude and joy after what seemed like was going to be a lifetime full of grief and illness.
This revelation was brought to me by someone I love and respect very much that is going through his own time of grief and sorrow. And as well as things are going I cannot fully enjoy it knowing that he is in his valley. I hope that he finds strength in the Lord to know his own worth.
It's all I can pray for anyone who's lost their way.
Thanks for reading,
Jackie

the cross

2011-08-12T06:12:00.000-07:00

The cross. When Christ is being manifested in ourselves, the cross will surely take over the flesh.
All my life I have had a problem with seeing the worst in people and situations. I used to think it was "word of knowledge" that the Lord was giving me so I would know to stay away from certain people. But the Lord doesn't work that way. He spreads the word of knowledge over the entire body. He didn't just give it to me. So that excuse was out.
Then I started to think that because I had spent a decent amount of time on the "streets" during my addiction, I could see people's manipulation and bs pretty easily. I had learned early on that most people have selfish motives in the world of addiction. Most people did want to hurt me in that world. But I am no longer in that world, so that excuse is out.
For a short time I thought I was just paranoid. Maybe there was something wrong with me. Maybe the world is filled with good intentions and love and I'm just a miserable person who can't see any of it. But that would discard the Christ in me, so that can't be it.
Finally, I am seeing things for what they are. Good or bad, none of it matters if I am facing the cross. The most manipulative person can rule the earth and I am not to say a word against him, because when I face the cross it doesn't matter.
Most of you that read my blog know that I write what I go through. Well, I am attempting to choose Christ over my flesh right now when the flesh wants so bad to see the worst. The flesh wants to feel uncomfortable with people and situations that "rub me the wrong way." I am faced with the cross.
During my time with my partner a specific verse stood out to me but I could not put my finger on why. As I attempt to turn to Christ as my flesh wars against me, the verse made sense...
John 21:22 Jesus said to him, "If it is my will that he remain until I come, what is that to you? Follow me.
I replaced the words as if He was speaking to me...
Follow me. I am everything, enough, and when you look to Me you will see that none of this matters. Unfairness, manipulative people, a world full of pain, it is nothing when held to Me. If the whole world crashes down tomorrow, it matters nothing to the Saint looking directly at Me. If it is my will that your worst fear should come true, what is that to you? Follow Me."

my passive aggressivist recovery story

2011-08-10T05:55:00.000-07:00

In a far, far away place sits a place called passive aggressive island. And I was their ruler. All lame jokes aside, being passive aggressive was how I handled everything. I was basically a coward. Because of my fear of conflict I opted to go the sneaky route... being passive aggressive.
It's not my main method of dealing with problems anymore, but I suspect there have been times I've slipped back into it. Most times without even realizing what I was doing.
For those who never visited the island, let me tell you a bit about it. Passive aggressiveness can take many forms. One of which is trying to give someone a secret message in a round about way. Most times that I would do this one of two things would happen. Either I wasn't obvious enough and no one ever got a message or I was too obvious and it just created a lot of tension because everyone knew what I was getting at.
Being passive aggressive wasn't fair to the person I had a problem with because they never got to talk with me about it. When I was vague about an issue, and went public either in a blog or in conversation or sharing within a group of friends it was more of an attack than an invite to talk about things.
What healed me of this horrible condition is also a great example of how passive aggressiveness halts all conversation. There are some people that have been in my life for a long time. They have always been very passive aggressive towards me when they come to my home. Blatantly ignoring me when I say hi or talk to them, interrupting me and excluding me if I do engage in conversation, and going as far as cutting me out of family pictures that I was in. Not being respectful of the way I choose to live or raise my kids(I won't give examples of that) is the straw that broke the camels back. I had to know what the deal was. So finally after years of this, I asked. And the response was that there was no problem. So every time these things happened, I would ask again, "have I done something to offend you?" And every time the answer would be "no, thing's are fine." Things obviously were not fine.
Being on the other side of the coin sharpened my tush right up! It was insanely infuriating! I felt like just enough was done to let me know that I was a problem, but in ways that there would never be a discussion or resolution. There have been other times that I was 99.99% sure a comment was given specifically for me, but it was given in a way that I couldn't talk to the person about it because it was clouded in a "general" statement. I have come to accept the unfair attacks as how humans deal with life these days.
Today I am so far on the other side of being passive aggressive that I *have* to talk about an issue. I can not pretend that there is no problem when something won't settle. Now, this is different from telling everyone everything they do that bothers me. When there is a real issue and I am bothered big time, hurt even, I need to talk about it and get it out in the open. A week is usually my lucky number. I let at issue sit for about a week and if it's still there, I go to the person that hurt me. I do not write blogs about it (I only write blogs when it's a government official that hurt me or a general rule of society that bugs the heck out of me), I do not put posts on facebook meant for "specific" people to see, I do not share within earshot of a person something I think they should hear. I used to do these things all the time. It was my main way of dealing with anything that bugged me.
I am fortunate enough to live in a community that wants me to talk about hurts if they don't go away easily. I live in a community that doesn't have the "me first" mentality so when I say I've been hurt, no one goes on the defensive. My family in Christ is extremely humble and makes it a safe place to be honest.
Sometimes I think I am really sensitive to things, but when I look at all the passive aggressiveness out there in the world, I see that we all feel these things. Only so many of us have been conditioned to be passive aggressive with our problems.
It has been in my mind and rumbling through my thoughts to write aobut this taboo subject for a little while now. What used to be a defense mechanism (and still is), is now how humans relate to each other.
I can promise you that if you read this, or any of my blogs, I will never write about problems I have in our relationship if we ever have any. There was a time when I would have, but not now, not for a while. I am a recovered passive aggressivist and I'm not going back.
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie

gratutude

2011-08-07T07:19:00.000-07:00

Gratitude is thankfulness. Being thankful for every person, situation, and thing that we have.
Lately I am seeing a connection between gratitude and Christ. The flesh wants more, has desires of it's own, and strives to reach personal goals and agendas. Anyone who's known me for more than five minutes knows that I become disgruntled with anything less than perfection. It leaves me sad and frustrated. Because perfection is only possible when I behold Christ, looking at anything else will never satisfy me.
It's just been recently, as Christ increases in me, and in turn everything around me, that I have stopped complaining(don't hold me to it, I still have my flesh;)).
When I'm complaining about a person, about the way something happens, or about life in general, I am not in Christ. When I am complaining about something I am in the flesh. And I am not proud of it.
Talking about Jesus all the time does not mean that I am not acting in the flesh. I have talked about Him all the time and was the most miserable girl in the world.
I am not saying that to be in Christ, I must be smiling and happy at all times. I am just pointing out that Christ lived a very, very difficult life and never complained.
Gratitude is taking on a new meaning as I get to know my Lord. I am grateful not only for the chance to be with my kids everyday, to have a husband that loves me, and to be a part of an organic church. I am learning to be grateful for imperfect times as well. Recently I had the opportunity to get upset about something, but the Lord truly turned it around and gave me a thankful heart. Another got attention and the "glory" for an idea the Lord gave me. It took all I had to turn to Him in this, as small as it is. I wanted so bad to butt in and take credit. It was as if my flesh was itching and getting the attention or credit for it was the only relief. Christ was my relief. I know it sounds cliche', but He actually calmed me and led me to gratitude. I am in awe of Him because He was actually speaking through me when I shared the idea! If I would have gotten upset I would have missed out on the greater revelation that Christ is alive in me and speaking through me!
Last night I was able to go to the latter end of a church planning meeting. It was a beautiful expression of Christ as always and as I looked through the Lord's eyes I saw our differences as a good thing. I became extremely thankful and grateful for the Saints in the room. I was truly grateful for every idea and personality. Normally I would be critiquing all of it due to the perfectionism, but I don't know that I saw any imperfection. The meeting may have been moving too quickly for some, too slowly for others, the words spoken may not have been spiritual enough, or too spiritual, but I never saw any of it. Because the Lord never saw any of that. He saw a room of people gathered together to seek His mind.
The impression on my heart lately to to simply cherish the life, the gift, that I am living.
Today is spring cleaning day in my home. I have my husband home to help with the more difficult jobs and home repairs. My kids are going to be learning new chores today in order to help me more around the house. Today I am going to have the opportunity to complain and get frustrated, but hopefully I can remain in Christ and see the blessing of it all.
Thanks for reading my blog. I don't always get to share these amazing revelations with people other than Chris so it's nice to have the space here to do so.
Love,
Jackie

memior of a screw up

2011-08-01T21:40:00.000-07:00

"Mornings. I slide my hands under the covers and take my pulse to find out if it's a good day or a bad day. Fifties, a fine and bright morning. Forites. Crap. It's going to be a bad day. Sit up slowly and head spins. Man, this is better than acid. Head swim and nausea. Pain, lots and lots of stomach and general gastro pain.
Hand on the wall, stand up. Catch myself, then go over to the mirror. Look at my butt, damn, it's still there. Dismay. Into the bathroom I go, lean my head on the wall. Pee. Stand up slowly and get ready to work out."
This was my life a very long time ago. I was anorexic and bulimic, mostly bulimic.
What most people don't know about these disorders is that after a while they do become physical illnesses. Ana and mia (anorexia and bulimia) are incredibly complex. There is no one simple description to define how one becomes eating disorder-ed.
I went to a hospital one time as a result of mine. I was taken against my will. It was the best thing that could have happened to me. The people in my life at the time realized how sick I was and I was forced to get help. I was vomiting blood. Counseling helped me tremendously during this time. I was walking with the Lord through it all and it was during my recovery from this disorder that I fell deeply in love with Him.
Something reminded me of this time. I had forgotten because it was all so long ago. I am 31 now and I was 17 when it completely took over my life. I am completely healed these days and have been for a long time.
An eating disorder usually comes on subtly for years and then progresses very quickly all of the sudden. The disorder is usually triggered by a traumatic event, such as a death; or another major life change, such as moving or going away to college. My eating disorder became serious within a year of a close friend of mine dying. I was a textbook case.
Eating disorders usually effect girls from good homes. Anorexia seems to be more common with "good" girls and bulimia more common with the "bad" girls such as myself.
An eating disorder is sometimes physically painful. At first it is a choice to not eat or to vomit. After a while it is no longer a choice. When a girl becomes "sick" with anorexia and bulimia it completely takes over the mind and body. It is no longer a series of decisions, but a compulsion.
I went through counseling with an amazing woman in my journey to get better. I learned that the normal methods of helping someone through a crisis do not help someone struggling with anorexia or bulimia. In fact, it can prolong the recovery. The sick girl becomes the center of a suddenly disfuntional family.
I am going to leave you with this. It's another exerp from a journal that I wrote long ago, the same journal I shared a piece of in the beginning of this blog.
Hopefully this entry will help someone, somewhere with something. The Lord is mysterious like that.
"Not everyone at the Home was obsessed with food. Oddly enough, my closest friends were pretty healthy. As the dead of winter set in, my friends began to worry. I ate strangely. At meals they'de say too casually, 'Jack, don't you want some?' They'd push food at me. They were concerned and tried to get me to eat more. At the salad bar I had some lettuce and tomato on my plate. A friend jokingly asked if I was going to eat 'all that food'. I put the tomato back. 'My god, you are so sick'. When people say this it proves the thesis that nobody-loves-me-everybody-hates-me, I-guess-I'll-just-eat-worms".

truly coming to the end of myself

2011-07-26T06:49:00.000-07:00

Something amazing is happening... Christ is being magnified in everything on earth. Everything I see, do, and listen to cries out for Him. Christ is just too big to ever describe in a blog, book, or even a lifetime, so I will focus on His amazing mercy in this one.
I always thought that the God of the old testament was too good and too perfect to show mercy. He is perfection so how can He lower Himself to do something such as forgive? Well, first I am coming to see that Christ is one with His Father. So the fact that the mystery was not even revealed yet in the old testament means nothing. Christ was Christ before He was even born. We had forgiveness and reconciliation. Those two things have been wrapped up in Him before we were brought to life.
Second, the nature of our Lord is Love. Love sets the standard for perfection. God is Love and Love is God. And who is Love not to forgive?
Often times in my past I assumed that it was the Lord condemning me when in fact I was condemning myself. Christ, Perfect Love, has hidden me inside of Himself.
There have been a lot of things weighing heavy on my heart lately. Things that in the earthly life are serious, but to the Lord are very small.
Now, I had always been taught that my problems are very important to the Lord. No prayer is too small. The Lord will hear and answer my prayers...
Hogwash. Christ is the answer to prayer. He Himself has said that He is the way to forgiveness, life, and the Father. Not a prayer of salvation, not a daily bible reading or prayer, and not even a Sunday service. Jesus Christ has given us Himself and He is enough.
In beholding Him and recognizing the heavenly places that we are seating with Him in right now, I understand that my problems are but an illusion. Christ is a reality and this life is the shadow.
I have heard things like this said before, but thought that it didn't change anything. I still have pain, grief, and need help. So I prayed for help for them. Sometimes the problems went away and sometimes they didn't. Then this shift in mercy came.
Christ becomes everything. And the problems are kinda' there, but kinda' not. Next to Christ's glory and splendor, the problems are small enough to vanish. They are still there in the earthly sense, except that now I am next to Him and so they are insignificant. The only time the physical pain and other issues become important is when I forget who I am and where I am seated.
So I no longer "pray for" anything other than Christ. Jesus is the answer to every single question, prayer, and problem on heaven and earth so why pray for anything other than Him.
Thanks for letting me share,
Jackie

the weekend

2011-07-18T06:50:00.000-07:00

Guilt, anxiety, feelings of uneasiness are all things that I deal with. I know others do too, but I will only speak of and for myself in this one.
As you know I got off my pain meds after being on them for years. In addition to keeping me mostly pain-free, they also helped me handle stress... better than I do now anyway. I wish I could say that I am happy to be off my medicine, that life has gotten so much better, and that it was the best decision I ever made. Unfortunately, now in addition to being in pain sometimes I find that I can't handle stress at all. Two weeks after my last pill my grandma Marion died. Two weeks after that my grand mom Peggy(who was so much more than just my grand mom to me) died. Then the panic attacks. Then thoughts of needing my medicine because I thought the Lord wasn't helping me fast enough.
My husband and I got to talk a lot this weekend. It was nice having time with him. I also got to speak with others who have been in my spot before. It's comforting to know I'm not alone in my first year off this medicine. It seems like life that I used to handle so easily is now overwhelming me.
There are 2 things in my life that the Lord has led me to do. All the other decisions were based on my needs, wants or what I thought I should be doing, but there are two very clear convictions in my heart from the Lord: organic church and how I parent(homeschooling my kids is at the heart of how I parent). So, with this in mind everything needs to center around Christ. And the two things that need to be in my life at this point are body life and bringing up my kids in the Lord in the very specific way He has impressed on me. Both equally important although at times one or the other can take up more time. Again, I know this is only for me. I am not so dense to think that what He's put in my heart is best for everyone. Thinking that that would be judgemental at best.
All the pressure in my life outside of these two things are all extra. They can be eliminated. The pressure to pretend like I am not in a lot of pain when I am... is extra. The pressure to have friends and have a social life... is extra. The pressure to keep up on housework and cleaning... is extra. The pressure to lose weight... is extra. The pressure have a great life so soon after getting off the meds... will cause me to go back on them. I went straight from a traumatise incident(hubby's aneurysm) into my meds and numbed myself for years. Trying to ignore the fact that I am not going to be able to do the things I used to do, will cause a breakdown. Trying to keep up with the pace of a normal person will cause anyone in my shoes to fall.
A great friend who is also a fellow Saint talked to me this weekend about relaxing. Both my husband and this friend are somewhat "forcing" me to take it easy. My husband is actually putting his foot down in making me take time for myself once a week while he hires a caregiver for the kids. They encouraged me to start saying no to things that are overwhelming and that are too hard right now. I didn't give myself any time at all to heal. I did the physical detox and then ignored all the signs of being unwell in my spirit and my soul. I need time with the Body sharing Christ and I also need to be as involved with my children as the Lord directs me to. Everything else is going to have to take a break so that I can be whole and well and healthy again.
It's funny. I thought that in taking time for myself I was being selfish. I knew that the Lord directed others to do so. He even called Brother Paul out into the wilderness for a few years by himself, before going to establish churches. But as for me, I was never one to take a break and rest in Him. I would think that I was resting as I did the dishes. Honestly, I thought that if I got to do one thing at a time, instead of multi-tasking, that I was resting. Now, He is truly calling me to rest in Him as if it were my job. I need to learn who I am in Him. The Saint I mentioned earlier asked me what my perfect day would be. You know, for the life of me I could not come up with anything. I have no idea what I like or what I like to do. To get real honest here, at this moment my perfect day would be a medicated one so I wouldn't have abdominal pain or anxiety. Beyond that I have never felt worthy of doing anything I enjoy.
Being with a hotel full of Saints does something for the soul. It brings me back to Christ and makes me fall in love with His body all over again. I didn't get together with others too much after the sessions, but I am beginning to discover that I can only do what I am capable of and handle only what the Lord is putting on my plate and not feel guilty about the rest. Christ is all and is in all.
Thanks for reading.
Love,
Jackie

best break

2011-06-21T07:00:00.000-07:00

Our family home schools. I thoroughly enjoy it and my children say they do too. It's not necessarily something we "do" between certain hours of each weekday, but rather more of a lifestyle. This coming year we are putting one of our young children into public school. It is mandatory he attends this school in order to get the speech therapy he needs 3 times a week. When he no longer needs the therapy, he'll be home with the rest of us. While he is in school we are still going to have our more cultural activities(art, music, poetry, nature, bible/history, science) in the afternoon so he can join in. I will still consider him a home schooled child because he will be learning most everything at home still.
We are not 'seasoned' hs'ers by any means, but we are no longer quite so new at it either. This coming school year will be our fourth. And in three years we have never taken an official break, like summer break, until this year. We are just starting back up into doing designated learning activities and writing after taking about a month off. We never stopped reading, science, and some geography only because it happened to a be a part of our daily lives anyway. What I learned during this time is that breaks are important. Even breaks from good things. It's good to feel a sense of relief from pressure to accomplish something. It's good for the kids to have a day so filled with relaxing and lazy-ness that they never end up getting dressed. It's healthy for me, mom, to have a break so that I can have the time to be inspired about our future plans, so that I can remember why we are doing this in the first place, so that I never get so burned out that I put my boys in school before the Lord gives me the "go ahead" to do so.
Something else that I have learned is that the curriculum I choose is not as important as the time I spend with them. There are methods galore to choose from and I have tried many. We spend thousands of dollars every year trying new things and building up our hs library. And while I value and treasure each tool I have for teaching/learning, none of it gets my kids going the way just spending time with them does. I have come to see that with a well planned, written out year, I could home school for free at the library and use the nature park and my kitchen as a science lab and learn just as much. Don't tell my husband. I see our years getting cheaper and cheaper as I discover what's really important in our journey.
Now, just because I said I could do it for free doesn't mean that it would be easy, so I am grateful for the many curriculums that I've learned so much from. Trying out different styles and mixing them together has shown me what I like and what won't work in our house. We have found that literature based(Charlotte Mason/Montessori method) curriculum with some unit studies thrown in there is best for us. Teaching with an idea in mind about what the Lord showed me our days should look like, led us to these types of books. I began with a very structured and well written curriculum called A Beka. It was school, only done at home. It was exactly what I needed to get me started. I needed a curriculum that was familiar to me(I went to public school) and that would help me gain confidence in my home school abilities. We began to look at homeschooling as chore using these books so that was what told me I needed to move on to something a little less structured and a lot more natural and free. We need lots of wiggle room for the extra learning opportunities that pop up in everyday life!
As we ease back into the organized, official days of homeschooling I am more excited and alive than ever! I am so grateful for the chance in life to do this. I am thankful that I get to be a mommy and I have been given the desire and tools to home school. I don't forget that these days are gifts from the Lord. I know that in the school year coming up I will face the days that make me question if we should go on, but as in life, the valleys make the mountains so much taller! It's the ups and downs that create life and I've learned more from the lows than the highs. Off to spend some time with my kids... happy homeschooling!
Thanks for reading!

what I wanted to share last night....

2011-06-19T08:19:00.000-07:00

It has been a very busy Father's Day morning here in the Dukes' household. After cooking a big breakfast and cleaning my floors and folding my laundry, my thought are becoming almost organized enough to turn into a bog. :)
I am still coming off the emotional highs and lows of last night's meeting. I was so touched by all of the Saints that shared their hearts as well as the Brother that put together a time of teaching for us all. I love how beautiful it was to watch this man pour into us the joys and lessons he's learned throughout his marriage.
I wanted to share so bad last night, but I couldn't. If I would have began speaking, the water works would have turned on. I had such a hard time keeping myself together.
I do have some thoughts on things that were shared that I would love to add on...
I definitely see that men and women have been misunderstanding each other for centuries and it doesn't stop when we get married. Something a Brother said last night hit the nail on the metaphorical head... sometimes there are big "foxes" lurking in the bushes. Something more than a power struggle or a need to win an argument. Sometimes there are real trust, safety, and practical issues that spawn these smaller arguments. These are the big ones that split families up. Cheating, addiction, violence, as well as sexual and mental abuse. Both Chris and I, having openly shared our problems with addiction, understand that at any time these problems could become real for us. When that happens, showing love and affection, as well as respect and adoration can take a form different than what we're used to it looking like. In these cases, I have seen that respect can be putting ourselves in a vulnerable position. There have been times when Chris has needed to hold a mirror up to my face. I didn't feel very loved, but it was what I needed. There have also been times where I've had to do the same to him. He can tell you first hand that he did not feel respected during these times. But the safety of our children and of each other depended on that honesty and willingness to be "shot down" by the other. I am sure that these moments may have saved our lives at times.
One of the other things that I had to share was on the topic of respect. The Brother teaching shared that we all have this need, some more than others. I can say as a woman of the house, respect falls right up there with love and admiration. When I have not felt respected, it has turned me into Jackie in the flesh. The Sisters unfortunately have seen this side of me too many times! There was one time in particular that I felt my name was "smeared in the mud" and it cut to the depths. There were real issues that needed to be dealt with and bigger "foxes" that were lurking behind the bushes. The experience helped me to see that love and respect go hand in hand. You can have respect without love, but not love without respect.
I enjoyed last night's teaching very much. I enjoyed the sharing and singing immensely. I guess I was hoping for a magic solution to some of the bigger problems Chris and I deal with and share (openly). And because there are no two marriages the same, the only solution anyone can give is to turn to Christ. And that includes the Christ in each other. Certain Saints have been given to us to help us through certain problems. Not everyone can understand every issue and so that's where the recommendation from Frank came in... not to open up to the whole Church about deep problems, but only the ones that He directs us to.
The last 2 weeks on marriage have been extremely eye opening for both Chris and I. We have seen that we can't do "this" on our own. The old way of hiding our struggles is now gone. The Saints here are not looking at us and our mistakes, but look right through us to see Christ.
I especially want to thank the Sisters in the body. They have been better to me than any counseling I have ever received in the outside world. The beauty, strength, grace, love, and boldness in every Sister that has reached out to me, shared Christ with me, and loved on me despite my faults, has been life saving. I love you Sisters. I finally understand what Jennifer meant when she was describing the Sisterhood to me just before I came here. I get it, I get Him.
Thanks for letting me share. The Lord is so good to us.

bullying

2011-06-14T09:12:00.000-07:00

This morning I read the kids a book about a little girl that was being bullied. Not by children who threw fists or carried knives, but by a friend. Emotional bullying is every bit as harmful as physical bullying. Children and adults have committed suicide over it, or so I've read in the news. Anyway, I was intrigued by the maturity, yet simplicity of this book. I think that adults anywhere(probably mostly in the workplace) could benefit from it.
A friend that bullies is not a friend. In this book anytime the little girl would talk to her bullying "friend" about how she felt she would be told that she was just being sensitive and ridiculous.
Now, this world is run by Love and absolutely nothing more. I had a talk with my kids afterwards about what it means to live by Love. I capitalize "Love" because Christ is Love and we live by His life. We are creatures that react to our hurt feelings either by Love, or in the flesh. Any action or words meant to tear down or sting, is not acting out of Love. Does that mean we have to be bullied? Does the verse telling us to turn the other cheek mean that we no longer have the right to NOT be bullied? I doubt it.
What I told my children this morning is now something I am going to tell myself in similar situations. If there is relational aggression going on, it is not our jobs to find out why the person is behaving the way they are. If someone is bullying my kids, myself, or anyone else, that person is not a friend. A friend is someone who likes you, not bullies you. In this fallen world it is crucial to teach my kids skills that weren't taught 20 years ago. In turn, I am coming to see that adult bullying isn't much different. I am learning those skills too.
There are problems in life that aren't easily solved and this is one of them. It helps to know that people who are bullied are not alone. But that doesn't mean it has to stay that way. In really seeking the Lord's heart on this matter and exploring how to preset it to my children, this is the conclusion I gave them, and myself. If being bullied, don't be "nicer" in hopes that the bully will all of the sudden see you as a friend. It's also not "just the way things are". As people who know the Lord we can see that when the excuses "that's just the way things are" or "just being real" are actually just acting in the flesh. True being real and the way things truly are, are in Christ. We stand for that. We uphold the Lord's right to love others, sometimes from afar. And, for the most part, the bullies we face don't even know the Lord, or at least not deeply. That is a great way to explain their behaviour to children.
I got this kids book at the library. It's called My Secret Bully and it has questions, suggestions, and resources. It's awesome.
Thank you for reading and please leave comments if you have 'em.
Love,
Jackie

the miracle of the ordinary

2011-05-15T05:53:00.000-07:00

The opposite of addiction is mindfulness. Escaping the bad feelings of anxiety, depression, and fear are what drives humans with addiction to turn to food, tv, shopping, gambling, drugs, and alcohol. Living with chronic pain, it's been hard to go without pain relief, or to just take the bare minimum in order to funtion. My doctor told me that what I had was a physical dependence and that it's different from addiction, but in my mind they are one in the same. Being physically dependant, I have needed my medicine in order to not become deathly ill. I have needed to take it before social situations and also before doing anything physical that would cause pain. I no longer depend on medication the way I did, which was 24/7. Although, I do have a few things for pain relief that I use when I can't stand up straight because of the discomfort.
I have been spending a lot of time with the Lord these days. In those quiet times it's easy to see that most of my life has been spent preparing for the future. To be still and know that He is God has been all to easy to overlook as I rush from one goal to another. Always trying to escape pain or even just bad feelings, like hurt and anger. Never fully experiencing the moment, but looking for relief from it instead. The Lord has inspired me to slow down and become alive to the wonders of ordinary life. To be okay with everything. Now, that doesn't mean that I no longer have any boundaries and that I become worthless, or a doormat. I take my cue from Christ... He acknowledged crossed boundaries, forgave, and moved on.
I allow myself to be in the moment, feel my pain and my anger instead of running from those things. I experience those feelings that the Lord Himself has felt at times. And then I am free to move on.
When living life one moment at a time, fully being involved in simple tasks, such as washing dishes, the responsibilities of life don't become so burdensome. I enjoy planning, but not so I can rush to do the thing I planned for, but simply because the planning itself is wonderful. It is life that I was given the opportunity to live. What a gift!
How can a being like me be given the chance at such a beautiful thing as life? And why on earth have I tried to escape it at all? Anytime I chose crappy television over real life, I escaped it. Anytime I chose desensitized life over full life, I escaped it.
This journey is by no means exciting all the time. It is a slow and sometimes painful one, but so full.
The Lord is outside of time. When He is the driving force behind my physical being and the Church as a whole, the ordinary becomes a miracle.
Thanks for reading,
love,
Jackie

comfort in the face of fear

2011-05-03T09:19:00.000-07:00

A few days ago I went to visit Amy in the hospital. I was so happy to see her, finally. The day before that, she decided that she wanted visitors after a week in the hospital. I understood. When you are in so much pain that having a simple conversation is hard, having to put on a "happy face" for a visitor is just too much work. From home, I did what I could for her and prayed. My kids and husband did the same. We prayed seperately and as a family for our Sister in the hospital.
That night, after visiting her, I got to stay with her. Jennifer had stayed with her the night before. Derek was telling us about all the wonderful ways Jenn had spoiled Amy. After looking at Amy's perfectly painted toe nails I realized just how high the bar was set for visitors. :)
I tried to be as "out of the way" as I could while still loving on her and being there for Derek.
It really hit me that night that while Derek's emails were true, they didn't express just how scary it was. Things kept happening and she would wince in pain. There were several siezure type episodes. She knew something was wrong and at this point couldn't speak much. I was taken aback at how even though Derek felt scared, he was a picture of Strength for her.
I had this plan. I was going to put lotion on her and read/sing the songbook, and read Breaking Dawn to her. Before Kim went home we prayed and sang over her. I got to sing to her for a bit while alone with her too. The other things didn't get to happen as there weren't too many moments of peace. This was the night that she had been transferred to Shands. I started to get angry that the Shands doctors weren't rushing around working on her as fast as they could to relieve her suffering. I ran out into the hall to tell a doctor to hurry during one of her siezures because I was afraid she was having a heart attack. I was afraid that I was watching her die and it angered me. I couldn't understand why Christ wasn't healing her instantly. It was easy to pray for her from home where I didn't have to watch her body contorting into wierd positions. Then she would moan that something was wrong and someone needed to help her right before she went 'blank'. It made me so angry that this was happening to one of the loveliest people I have ever met in my life. I had to be careful not to make Derek feel as though he had to comfort me at all, I was here for them, not the other way around. Derek was so kind and at point in the night asked if I was okay because he was scared and knew I was scared too. I knew that Amy would have a full healthy recovery, I had just forgot for a moment in response to everything going on. She cried out "Jesus, help me" and I knew then that she was right on. He was the only One that could help her in that moment.
As the morning approached, she began looking at me and calling me by name. She was able to get rest and finally have some relief from her nightmare of an evening.
What I noticed right away was that Derek didn't shy away from her even when he was scared. He would hold her closest when the scary things happened and kiss her and love on her. My first reaction was to want to jump up and look for help and basically panic. But, just looking at Derek I instantly felt calm. We don't live by the same fears as those who don't know Christ. His love and support for his wife was a shadow of our relationship with Jesus Christ.
I was hesitant to share about Amy. After talking to a Sister this morning about my evening with her, I saw that we are all in this together. We are all family and everyone in the Body is her Brother or Sister and cares about her and wants to be updated. I think that's why we all look for and expect updates all the time. We want to know how she's doing because not a minute goes by that we aren't praying for, or thinking of her and Derek.
I am excited to hear that she is making progress. The siezures have stopped and she's talking. I can't wait until my next scheduled time to sit with her.
I normally don't quote scripture, but have had this one HEAVY on my heart for a few days now...
The Lord is my strength and my shield. I trust Him with all of my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanskgiving.(Psalm28:7)
Thanks for reading,
Jackie

judge not, lest ye be judged

2011-04-19T13:09:00.000-07:00

There is a real person inside, the Life of Christ. This person is becoming infused in me like a tea bag in hot water(not my words, borrowing from a great teacher). It cannot be seperated.
It is Christ that leads me to show kindness and it is only Christ if I ever do anything selfless. There are things that could be perceived as selfless, but if the old man is doing them, those acts are motivated by flesh. The motives are not of Love, but of something else. When the Lord brings us to our end, there is a death and then a resurrection, and then after that there is a new Life that is growing inside like a baby. After receiving this new Life, everything changes and the Life begins to grow and take up more space.
The life of Love inside will compell me to do things I really do not want to do. Things that I will never in a million years get glory for. Every Christian that has this Life inside will be given this new way to live.
This way that seems so hard. But so worth it. The glory is not in any credit we receive, but in knowing that His blood is flowing through us and changing who we are and what we do.
There is a silent sense of safety in this new life. Because it is Christ that is living in Shane(made up person) and Christ that is leading Shane to change and everyday become more like Jesus Himself, than we would be fools to reject Shane or ignore him, or judge him, or any of the other things we do to people.
Now I know this is nothing new here, but I am having a pretty big revelation on the concept that I need to treat every person as though Christ were living inside.
What if someone I didn't know very well, such as Shane, had our Lord living in Him and was carrying out His will in him? And I, not knowing Shane was a Christian because he didn't go to my small group, secretly judged his motives for opening the door for a lady. When all along it was Christ leading Shane to do this. I would have just judged the Master of my Universe. Ouch.
The same thing happens with those I know are walking with the Lord. Sometimes I catch myself judging a motive here or there. Boy, am I dead wrong in doing that. Who's to say that Christ isn't leading the very action I have judged.
Sorry to bring you along on my very simple and long overdue mind journey here.
I hope Christ continues to clear up my head the way He's been doing. So many things are making sense to me now. I enjoy writing about it so I can look back years from now and read about the day I learned it was good to be kind to everyone.
Anyway, thanks for reading.
Love,
Jackie

learning to live by Love

2011-04-14T20:40:00.000-07:00

This entry comes after a particularly difficult day with my children. I have three boys that are 2, 5, and 7. They bring me so much joy. They are curious, full of love and life, and love me so much that it flatters me sometimes.
Two of my boys have specific needs that go above and beyond the typical parenting day to day duties. One of them struggles to communicate his needs as we all learn to adjust to his alternate way of seeing the world. He is on the autism spectrum.
Another one of my children is so hyperactive that we can't get through half a day before he has hurt himself or his brothers accidentally. He struggles to pay attention long enough to complete a task as simple as putting his shorts on. He is immediately distracted at anything taking more than one step to do.
These are not behavior problems or issues. They have both been progressive and ongoing and I have seen the changes gradually happen before my eyes.
That doesn't mean that I am as understanding or as patient as I would like to be. I research and consult and still find that there is so much unknown about both autism and adhd.
After speaking with someone who had severe adhd as a child, and took medicine for it, I knew that medication was not the route to take for our family. I do not want them to have to deal with the serious side effects that those medicines cause. That is a major reason why we continue to homeschool when times get tough.
As a teacher I can give my sons the time and space they need in order to work at their own pace. I also don't have to be forced into putting them on medication.
One of the less difficult parts of all of this is something I'd like to write about, maybe to help others understand. Many people don't live with someone who lives life with an extra obstacle, but I know many people who do. The ones who do have been a great source of encouragement and comfort to me as I know I am not alone in what I go through each and every day. For as long as I can remember a lot of well meaning friends and family members have tried to give me advice as though my children had behavior issues. I have been offered a lot of creative and great advice, that unfortunately I can't use because I am not parenting children who respond or who need stricter guidelines or more punishment.
Parenting a child is always hard sometimes. Trying to think outside the box when there is a special need can be met with judgement, critism, or even just plain old misunderstanding. As much as I want to be shown mercy by those that don't understand, I am learning to show mercy to them as well. I would always smile politely and take another parent's advice, but unless that parent has a child that deals with autism and adhd on an 'every waking hour' basis, I would secretly be a little angry. As if I was being told I wasn't parenting well enough.
I now know that it was my own insecurities that project those thoughts. People want to be helpful by nature. When a fellow mom or dad sees me struggle, naturally they want to help. That's all. There is no big conspiracy to get me to "keep my kids in line a little better".
As many of you know, lately I have been under the weather. Dealing with health issues that involve pain. Pain that makes me less patient and a heck of a lot more irritable. I am telling myself what I wish I could tell others all the time.
My children are loving and intelligent. They are my full time job right now, as well as I am responsible for all of their education and I take that very seriously.
I am not going to be perfect at it. No mother is, but I am the perfect mother for my children. If they seem "wild" or "cranky", it is not because I don't punish them(believe me I do) or that I don't spend almost every moment on being a mom that tries to think outside the box so that my children have as normal life as possible.
They deal things that I never had to.
I try to be understanding and respectful of that.
And I am also going to be understanding and respectful of those who don't know much about my children. It is one more struggle, but I am finding a new way to live that doesn't require so much energy and effort. The same life that I am trying to teach my children to live by.
I hope that this blog entry shows a little insight as to what a stay at home mom of children with struggles deals with. I know we all deal with struggles, this is one of mine. I am learning and growing each day. And Jesus is good to us.
Love,
Jackie

dedicated to...

2011-03-21T21:34:00.000-07:00

Today I said goodbye to my grandmom. I had just a few moments to say to her what she meant to me. It was over the phone.
I won't ever get to talk to her again. I won't ever get to hug her or spend time with her again. She had very suddenly fallen ill Saturday and is gone. It is, in my humble opinion, too soon.
What do you say to someone you have loved your whole life who is about to leave her earthly body?
How can I sum up the wonderful way she enriched my life in just a few short moments?
Maybe I should have told her that I admired her strength and her honesty. That I will never forget the long conversation we shared over weekly coffee and cinnamon bread at the diner. Maybe I should have thanked her for the way she opened up to me about love, life, and God at her kitchen table late that one night. Or maybe I should have thanked her for her complete sacrifice of herself in order to care for everyone else in her life. But all I could do was tell her I love her and that I'll always love her.
She was smart and tough and was also loving, caring, and nurturing.
I thought I had at least 10 more years with her and I am devastated that I don't.
This entry is dedicated to my grandmom Peggy, a beautiful soul that will be missed tremendously.
Love,
Jackie

everything's gonna' be alright

2011-03-12T09:04:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I was asked the question, "when are you going to be good again?". Hmm, what a question. I guess the answer depends on the definition of 'good'. When am I going to be able to perform my normal tasks of homemaker without medication? Several weeks, maybe even months.
When Chris went back to work I needed to be able to stand up, walk, and function. That is why I went to see a doctor earlier this week. I am in fact on pain medicine, but it is nothing like the monster I was on and it is the only reason I am able to be up and about. It is also the only reason I am not back in pain management with legal drug dealers.
The withdrawal is now under control with blood pressure lowering medicine and the pain is mostly controlled with the patch on my arm.
Chris and I talked and prayed a lot about how much medicinal help we were willing to take. Our talk got serious the night before he went back to work. The goal is to eventually be free of all medicine. What are the steps to take to reach that goal without Chris having to quit his job to take care of the kids?
This is what we believe the Lord brought us to...
I am not medicine free yet.
I am a heck of a lot closer to being medicine free.
This is a process that looks different than what I would have planned.

So, am I good now? Yeah, I've been good all week, relatively speaking. A lot better than the first ten days when I was jumping out of my skin. I am still jumpy, and weak, and haven't taken on impossible tasks, such as tying my shoes. But I am good.
Have a wonderful day and thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie

wednesday

2011-03-09T20:50:00.000-08:00

The days are getting longer and the future looks bleak. I know this is a mind trick due to the lack of endorphins that I no longer produce naturally. My body is going to need a lot of time to heal and to learn to live, and love, and thrive again.
Today something amazing happened... the Lord showed up. I've been getting a little worried because it seems as though He's been MIA lately, but today He showed up.
Through pain, anxiety, and uncontrolled panic the option to go back on my medicine started looking real good to me. Fortunately, my new doc here in Gainesville is knowledgable about my condition and sympathetic to the pains of withdrawal. So I graciously accepted a few of the "helpers" he gave me to aid in my survival through all this. And once I calmed down, a new reality was revealed to me.
I have had tremedous guilt due to the fact that I can't take care of my family. The friends and family that love me have been taking care of my kids, cooking for me, and generally giving us all the support a person can possibly give. Because I can't be the mom and wife and friend and daughter to the people I love, I really want to get better. I hate being the one that needs to be taken care of. I love to nurture and to love on others. I have been feeling shame and guilt that my physical dependence on this drug is preventing me from doing that. And I hate being a burden even though no one has done or said anything to make me think I have been. It doesn't help matters that I am in a never ending nightmare that is showing no signs of easing up. How long will life be pointless?
The revelation...
Today I realized that I am more than my current situation. I, as a single adult person, no longer exist. The Lord is where my identity resides. I have known this for a while, but today I got it on a whole 'nother level. My lack of cleaning, cooking, and mothering right now do not make me a loser despite what I've been telling myself. My identity is in Christ alone. I am doing this for His purposes and for His glory. In that, the smaller things that used to be so important, now have nothing to do with who I am. I am a good mom because I want Christ above all things. It has nothing to do with how well I "take care" of the little ones right now.
I am still suffering through the shaking, chills, pain, panic attacks, and insomnia, but my new doctor has given me some tools to help with those things and so I am hoping that they will relieve me as my body goes through the final waves of withdrawal. I am looking forward to living again. Slow at first, but eventually as a whole person.
Thank you for reading.
Love,
Jackie

blue skies ahead

2011-03-06T13:12:00.000-08:00

For the last nine days I have forgone my opiod pain medicine. I wrote on day 5 that the process was going smooth and that it wasn't too bad. I see now that I was simply entering my very, very long and painful detox, not coming out of it. On day 7 all hell broke loose and those familiar feelings of dysphoria and death swept over me in wave after wave. What the h*ll did my doctor have me on that the withdrawal just gets started after a week??!!
Thank God for two things, the support of those that want me to succeed and herb teas.
As tempting as it has been to administer some medicinal relief, knowing that I have so many that are pulling for me to get through this, has helped. Sometimes the support of my friends/family is the ONLY thing keeping me from giving up.
I have been reading blogs of others that have taken this path before me and I can't get any real clear cut answers as to how long this should take... most folks give up at around days 9, 10, 11. Because this is the pivitol moment. The strength to continue is no longer there, but the pain and anxiety still are. I did come across one inspirational thread and the woman began feeling noticably better after 2 weeks. So 2 weeks is my goal now. I just have to make it 5 more days and then it will be easier. Because someone somewhere said so. I will cling to anything at this point.
I know the Lord is with me, but unfortuately it doesn't help one bit while in the pain of withdrawal. At this point the Lord isn't taking this away. The only thing that will is more medicine.
Sorry I couldn't be more :). Just wanted to write.
Love,
Jackie

freedom

2011-03-02T18:21:00.000-08:00

Day 5. It has been 5 days now since I dropped a piece of myself, for good. It is all a part of the dying process... dying so that Christ may live. A while back I weaned myself down off of 12mg of my very potent, very addictive pain medicine. I was able to get all the way down to 4 mg. In that time I did cleanse after cleanse, began eating organic and gluten free, and exercised almost every day. Five days ago I woke up and dosed. It was Friday. All day long I managed to prepare for the long weeks ahead and spend some final moments with my kids before my husband took over as the full time parent.
An opiate withdrawal is a frightening trip. What the physical body goes through is nothing compared to the journey the mind takes. Beginning the trip was liken to entering a dark cave. A woman I met a long time ago told me about the time she was being driven over the bridge to begin her stint at Rikers Island(prison in NY) after being sentenced. The dread she described, as she made her way there, is very similar to dread I feel as I begin a kick. This will by the umteepth time and it never gets any more comfortable. As a kid I went through heroin withdrawal more times than I care to remember. Those were, by far, the darkest days of my life.
And now here I am again as a responsible member of society, as a wife and a homemaker, going through it.
This time has been easier and I have been thinking hard about the reasons why. This time has been easier mentally. I was gearing up for hell on earth and it is just a really, really hard week.
I thank God for that.
I thank Him constantly and I know that Christ is bearing the worst of it in my place. I know He is because I could never have made it to day 5 on my own. This medicine that I was on is a long-term synthetic opioid. What that means is that the medicine binds to the pleasure causing receptors in my brain with a high affinity... lasting much longer than short acting opiates, like heroin or oxycontin for example. The withdrawal, as a result, is harder and much longer. That is why I was on the drug much longer than I wanted to be. I was terrified of this week that I am in right now. So I thought it would be a miracle to be five days away from the almighty O.
And now, it is real. I am actually going to be a person that does not take chronic pain medication. That was such a huge part of me and now that part is dying. Dying is a painful process, but Christ is truly delivering me from the worst of it.
I will try to write more as the days go by.
Love,
Jackie

He is all

2011-01-18T07:25:00.000-08:00

When I was a part of an institutional church and after I left, I felt the need to blog my thoughts on Christ all the time. Most of the revelations I shared were controversial and I knew would ruffle feathers, but I really enjoyed the conversation and knowledge I'd gained by others comments and insights. Once I became a part of a organic church, once I began to grow in Christ organically, I stopped writing my blogs as much. It's not that I don't have anything to write, if anything there is more to write about now. It's just that Christ has become so incredibly big in the last couple of months, I wouldn't even know where to start. It's embarrassing what little space the Lord was given, now that I know He is in everything.
Every single particle of every bit of life we see cries out for its Maker, just like we do. I didn't know that it was possible to know Him closely and go deep into Him the way that I am.
At the last church I attended a pastor stepped on stage and told the congregation, "Some people say we don't go deep enough. When you become sinless, then talk to me about going deeper". As if to go deeper into Christ, we ourselves have to become sinless. Unfortunately this was what I thought for most of my Christian life. I know folks who are not believers and won't become believers because they fear they won't be able to live the harshly judged life that most Christians live under. For years I thought I was backslidden because I continued to sin. I couldn't stop. I would try so hard to be perfect and if I had a bad week I must be backslidden.
Our Lord is so much larger than those issues. A rush of excitement goes through me as I think about Him being the Alpha and the Omega... and we are in Him!
A Sister in Christ said something beautiful several weeks ago that I want to share. When I became a Christian, I thought that the Lord gave my individual life the power to go on forever. What this Sister shared was that we have been given a portion of Christ, His life inside. And that is the Life that goes on forever... we join with Him in His eternal life.
Churches throughout the years have been expressing His life as it flows from the Head down. We are discovering Him as we become the priesthood that He had said we are. Saints receive the revelation that He gives to those who seek to live the sacrificial and uncomfortable life of dying to themselves. And we have only begun to scratch the surface.
We have no power apart from Him. We don't even have the power to choose Him without the Spirit's leading. His grandness and vastness goes far beyond politics and issues to write about. I think that is why I find it so hard these days to blog about anything other than how wonderful the Lord is. Hopefully He will give me topics to blog about because I did enjoy it and I don't want to stop, but right now He is all I can think about.
Thanks for reading.
Jackie

are we not praying hard enough?

2010-12-14T09:45:00.000-08:00

The last several months of my life have been filled with healing. That seems to happen when I draw near to the Lord particularly. Same with my husband. After 40 days of a Daniel fast he no longer needed major brain surgery(we found out he was healed as we went in for his pre-op appointment). The Lord blows me away constantly. It's not that I don't believe He can heal, I just wonder sometimes why He waits so long. Sometimes He does it quickly and sometimes it takes a while. Paul of Tarsus lived his whole life with a thorn in his side and I doubt it was due to a lack of faith.
As most of you who read my blog know, I recently went through a very long, excruciating process to wean off my medicine(highly addictive pain med). The Lord wants me healed and I had been prayed over, I claimed healing, I believed with all my heart that my pain would be gone(that was the only way I got through it), I envisioned healing, I tried everything. Unfortunately, I still could not move because of the pain after all that suffering. Did the Lord not want me healed? Of course not. Then why if I did everything that I could to do the 'footwork' was I not healed? I don't know. But, He is still Lord and His timing IS perfect.
I know several godly, faith filled people who are not healed yet. I also know of godly people who have died. Were they not trying hard enough to get well? The fact is, we live in a fallen world that includes pain and suffering and death and healings all the time.
For a while I thought that I was not healed of my endo/adeno/bladder pain because I didn't believe hard enough. As if the Lord can only do so much and then it's up to me to believe. That is what the world and religion tell us and it made me a failure by their standards.
If the Lord heals us, wonderful! He has done many big miracles and saved my hubby's life with some of them. If He doesn't, despite all our best efforts, He still loves us and still wants healing for us. Sometimes really bad things happen and we can't pray them away(I've tried). Sometimes I needed to turn to Him in the face of adversity instead of trying to avoid it.
If we have done all we can to get and remain healthy, and we are still sick, God is still God and we thank Him for everything.
Thanks for Reading!
Love,
Jackie

Even though...

2010-11-29T20:01:00.000-08:00

Even though times are hard there is so much joy in Christ's life. Discovering each day what it means to turn to Christ is irritatingly hard. Everything I thought I knew about my faith was thrown out the window the day I decided to follow Him outside of the institutional church.
It hits me at some point several times throughout the day that I am in Him, I am following Him, and I have finally, finally found Him. When I became a Christian there was so much joy. There was a lot of pain and suffering(I was in year long a rehabilitation program), but there was most of all joy. Now, 13 years later, I have been returned to Him. I have finally been given back the joy that comes only through knowing Christ.
I used to read that scripture that talks about seeking Him with all my heart and when I seek Him with all my heart then I will find Him. I sought Him with all my heart for what felt like an eternity without knowing if I was 'finding' Him. I didn't know what it would be like to find Him. Would I get really spiritual? Would life hurt less?
What I learned most in finding Him is that He is not hiding and it's not hard to find Him. If I am desperate enough. I didn't find Him so much as I found that He is always within.
Chris and I are struggling right now in so many unspeakable ways. But we have Christ at the heart of our marriage and our lives. He heals us and guides us. Above all else, we have joy. We have such deep joy in Christ. When I realized that recently, it hit me that I have finally found Him! All of that seeking Him and all I had to do was open my eyes to see that He never went anywhere.
I was seeking Him and found freedom. He is freedom. I was seeking Him and found joy. He is joy. I was seeking Him and found fullness in every little detail of my life... He is that fullness.
In seeking Him I have become less. It is no longer I who do the things that I once claimed glory for. It truly is Christ who lives and is the goodness that fills my soul.
So... even though life is difficult to the ninth power right now, His joy is un-freakin'-shakable.
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Jackie

His Way

2010-11-14T06:08:00.000-08:00

Ahhh, the joy of dying to self... and the pain that comes along with it.
Letting go of all the expectations that have been in my heart is frustrating. Realizing that Christ is my everything when I want nothing more than to focus on my emotions, is hard.
It is Christ that surrounds me and that is the reason for my every breath. I say His name in each breath. Yahweh. As I contemplate knowing His desires and His heart I wonder why I still worry about earthly life. There is nothing big facing me right now. I love my home and the people that I see each day. I love the women that the Lord has made into my band of Sisters. I love that the Lord has answered my prayer and given my a closer relationship and more patience with my kids.
As you can see I have the best of life!
What I have not learned yet is to ignore the discontentment in others. I am not talking about the needs or feelings of people, but the rude actions of others. Being rude is a way of life in our culture today. It is encouraged everywhere. And for some reason, I still get hurt feelings by it.
Even as I type this I am seeing that I expect too much. I am learning to live by Christ's life. The same love that rescued the earth is dwelling inside of me and ministering to me, teaching me how to live. That is amazing! That is how the Lord designed it to work. So where does hurt feelings fit into all of this?
I suppose this is where I lay down my hurt feelings and acknowledge they are there, but that I am choosing Christ instead. Lord Jesus Christ is living on the earth today in His people and I am choosing Him. I cannot force another to choose Him, I can only look to Him myself.
These are painful lessons and all new to this Saint. As I end this, let me just say how much I love life right now, even as I lay it all down. I love being in Gainesville so much. The Body life with Brothers and Sisters in the Lord is an answer to prayer. It is what I've been seeking for all my years as a Christian. I love to watch the Lord get what He wants and be our Life.
Everything is a testament to Him and the glory is all His, that's what this daily death is all about.
Thanks for reading,
Jackie

one new man

2010-10-06T04:24:00.000-07:00

My, Christ is big. Big enough that He gets into places in my heart I never wanted Him to go into, until now. He is all truth and meaning in my life, but to get here I didn't have to seek Him out the way I thought I needed to. I tried for so many years to let the Christian part of me overpower the 'flesh' part of me. I had my 'church' friends, my friends not from church, and my family. All these different groups of people that I could be a different version of myself with each group. I had my Christian 'heart' or personality, and then I had my flesh one. I was one or the other at any point in time.
Something amazing is happening in my soul. The two parts are becoming one person and it's because Christ has my full persmission to enter into me completely.
I am complete in Him. Totally complete. That means that no matter how long I live, how much ministry I engage in, how much Scripture I learn, how much theology I study, and how may hours I spend praying I will never get beyond Christ. It doesn't get any better than Christ.
Before letting go of religion, I had been learning all these methods and tricks. How to pray, how to seek Him, how to this and that. All I need is Him. Now I have heard some argue that 'we need certain ministries or certain ministry positions'. I don't. All I need is Christ. I actually do have authority over me, as we all do. But my authority shares Christ and only Christ and does not fill a paid position. He does not 'peddle the Word for profit' as Paul would say. I like that the leaders in my life arise naturally. They are never appointed a position. I like that the leaders in my life share Christ with me and never try to 'teach' me things. I see that this is also what the New Testament believers had as well.
When I look to Christ instead of my Brothers and my Sisters, I actually end up finding Him in them. It is hard to be anything other than humble when I am seeing Christ in another human. Instead of Christ simply 'bringing out the Christ in me' he is forming Christ in me. As He is being formed in me, it's easy to allow Him access to my whole heart.
Another thing I want to mention is that I am pretty perceptive as most women are. I can almost always tell when a little manipulating/deceiving is going on even though I just smile and politely act as if I don't know. This has made me kind of a paraniod person. What I am noticing lately is that Christ is allowing me to see the good, see Him, in His children. When there is no other agenda than Christ, I know that I am not going to be manipulated, stepped on, taken advantage of, or lied to. Not to say that my feelings won't ever get hurt by another, but I don't have to worry about agendas. By agendas, I mean money(like, a paid postition), power(leadership positions to be filled), personal pride(wanting to be the big fish), and standard jealousy(she's going to be liked more than me, then I will be forgotten). I have come across all these agendas in institutional church and my reaction has been to back down and hide away. I was never after a postition or a coveted spot in a clique. To be honest those things destracted me and made me wonder why I even stepped into a church in the first place. I want Christ, not programs and people with positions. So now I am out of the institutional church. I don't have a pastor or a spot I need to work to fill in the church. I have Christ. I have others who are so infatuated and engulfed in Christ that I couldn't imagine ever having time for positions and organized religion.
So this is what it is like to be in a relationship with Him for me. I no longer am seperate people with each group I am with. I am a girl who is learning that Christ dwells within and that I have freedom to embrace Him in others and to share Him with others as well.
Thanks for reading.
He Lives In Me,
Jackie

livin' it

2010-09-28T05:46:00.000-07:00

Life has so much to offer. The older I get, the more I discover that there is no 'one' way to be. For example, for the last 10 years or so I tried to be a type of person that I wasn't in order to fit onto the 'christian' mold. I remember getting rid of movies that I loved in order to 'guard my heart', when in fact, there was nothing wrong or bad about those movies. They just weren't christian.
Another example is in my homeschooling. I joined some online support groups. What I noticed about a lot of the Moms I met was that their whole lives centered around homeschooling. The lifestyle had taken over and become number one in their families. So I became obsessed with this style of taking care of my kids and family. But then I began going through hard times(getting off my meds) and schooling wasn't the biggest part of my life anymore. And I have come to see that I like it this way.
Most of my life has been spent searching for Christ and finding out who I am in Him. I have learned a lot over the years, but it's only been recently that I am finding the real treasure. There is nothing that makes me who I am other than Christ. I defined who I was by what I was into at the moment. When I was younger, I was an opiate addict. It consumed me fully and I thought that for the rest of my life I would be in a love affair with the almighty opiate. She turned out to be a wicked bitch to serve. I was spared from her grip.
My early twenties were spent meeting and falling in love with Christ. I shunned traditional 'drug recovery' because why follow a man made plan for being free when I could have the living Christ. In the beginning it was pure and right. I joined a church at one point and wasn't feelin' it so I left. Since then I have searched for who I am in whatever my latest thing was... health nut, raw food diet, stay at home mommy, working mommy, volunteer, life of the party, homeschooler, and finally Christian. But not a woman who has Christ as her Lord. I was the Christian that the world taught me to be. The type who worries about my own sin and strives to overcome it. The type that served on every committee I could sign up for at church. I spent countless hours in prayer and meditation every week. I studied my bible and memorized scripture on a daily basis. I prayed without ceasing and worshipped through song each morning. And I didn't even know my Lord. But, I was the perfect little Christian. Until I began to ask questions and stand firm in some of my convictions(most notably, Christ is the Head of His Body, not a pastor. It all started with a little red book that takes dead aim at the holy grail of religion today:the modern day pastoral office. The book is called Pagan Christianity and it's by Frank Viola who is an amazing man of God and a person I call Brother). Then I was the rebel, troublemaker, and whatever else would make the religious feel better to call me. I stayed the outcast for a little while.
Then I met Christ again. Just like I had in my late teen years. And I began to fall in love with Him in a new way. For the first time I am seeing that all these parts of me and of my past make up who I am. I don't have to choose to be one way. I can be free to spend time on the things that have become enjoyable parts of life. I can be a homeschooler, without it being my religion. I can accept that I am a person who enjoys pod tea(legal tea blend made from the poppy plant) for the mild relaxation it brings when life gets physically painful. I can also be a health nut at the same time. I can be all the things and Christ will still be my Lord. I find that I actually have way more fellowship with Him now than I did spending all those years working and volunteering in 'ministry'. A perfect example of this new outlook: a mom asked me if I use christian curriculum in my homeschooling. I thought this was a really interesting question. I went to my favorite verse in the bible that I use in almost all my blogs(not real sure where, other than in Colossians)... Christ is all and is in all. I use curriculum and because I am in Christ, it is Christian. No matter what I use it will be Christian curriculum. That is how I feel about life. I can be all these things and still be totally and completely in the Lord, belonging to Him and serving Him. Even though it may not look like what the world or the conventional, institutional church thinks it should look like.
Thanks for reading.
Loving Him,
Jackie

what it is...

2010-09-16T18:05:00.000-07:00

It's been a bit since I've written so I'll start by catching you up on life's latest doings...
Last week was my Sister's retreat. I was able to go to a beautiful state park in Georgia with a group of women I am coming to call my family. Christ was there in each of my Sisters. One day I will be there too, but not yet. I am too messed up right now. I love Christ and I know that He lives in me, but my flesh is always in the way of expressing His life.
I don't feel up for the tiresome task of completing my detox/withdrawal/cleansing. My body is confused. My mind is disoriented. I must "gear myself up" for each round of leveling down. I am at a place right now where I should probably wean down another half milligram, but I am still feeling pain and residual withdrawal from the last taper a week ago. Chris and I did the math last night and calculated that I have enough medication to last me another 6 months+ if I chose to stay on it. Those numbers really don't make me want to do this as quickly as I have been. If I wean down using the recommended schedule, I will feel very little illness. Unfortunately, I don't believe that's what the Lord wants from me.
His wisdom is something that I used to acquire like little tidbits here and there when I had enough quiet meditation and prayer time with the Father. Something has changed in my life and wisdom is being imparted daily, hourly sometimes. It is the greater revelation of knowing who He is sans religion. It is also the prayers of my righteous fellow man that is allowing me to hear Him clearly. I know that I need to be off this medicine quickly. I know the Lord wants this for me.
I am praying that His strength will indwell and inhabit my body as well. As I sit here typing this, pain is swelling in my back and wrapping around to my sides, then my abdomin. I have to wonder, if I can completely let go of myself and have total communion with my Lord, will the pain be miniscule? A minor annoyance rather than a crippling thorn in my side?
Not too much new here... just getting tired, while at the same time hopeful for little things. I want to be excited about homeschooling like I was just a couple of months ago. Getting off these meds requires my total attention and devotion. It's hard to even have a two way conversation when I am concentrating every moment on not doing exsacly what my body needs for relief. I am also excited to experience Christ as the Body. I have always loved and understood Him as the Godhead, but I have never known and loved Him as the Body. That is the fullness of the Lord. I see it. I am an outsider looking in right now. I am excited that one day I will be a part of that Body, one that it present and clear minded, without narcotics running through my blood. I am also excited about health. I have been detoxing my body of all toxins, not just my medicine. Chris and I are both doing a 2 month long colon cleanse as well as a full body detox program. We are using DrNatura's formula, a little pricey, but supposidly the best. I am excited to live with a clean body, mind, and soul.
Thanks for reading.
Jesus is Awesome,
Jackie

above the rain clouds

2010-09-08T10:16:00.000-07:00

This blog has been on my heart to write for a while now. The kids are sleeping, laundry's done, grocery shopping's done, and I feel the Lord leading me to write. So here it goes...
Sometimes people come along into my life that tend to tear down. By tear down, I mean pointless critizism as opposed to healthy critizism, or backhanded compliments, or simply trying to play games. Now, I am not as tough as I used to be, but I still know how to deal with these types of people. Usually it is someone who is not stable in anyway or has a dark cloud always overhead. I figure out if a character is shady/not shady this way... I have 3 amazing brothers. These guys really are the greatest people I know and I would do anything for them. They are surfers, hilarious, and would give their lives for the people they care about. If someone in my life wouldn't be able to hang out with them and just chill, I don't get too close to that person.
Ten years ago I was known for popping females in the face just for caddy remarks(only twice, but they were good ones). Today I am actually not ruled by flesh. My flesh will begin to manifest when I dwell too long on a comment or a conversation that I may feel needs a little 'correction', but overall, I am ruled by my Lord. I let both males and females say pretty much whatever they want to me. If I care about the person I will talk, have a conversation, and basically respect myself enough to not get railroaded.
I have found that lately I seem to be caring less and less about anyone who feels so jealous, out of control, or angry that they need to put me down. I am strong these days and can handle it. I have the strength to turn the other cheek all day long if needed. The world sees this as weakness, fear even. Actually, it is my flesh giving way to the Spirit within me. If a person is extra delusional I even go along with it just because there's no point in rocking the boat if I truly don't care.
I feel strong. This is not the world's type of strong, but something bigger and more calming. There has never been more peace than there is now. There has never been more clarity than now. I see that the world is full of issues. And I am okay with that for the first time. Nothing seems that scary because I truly feel that the Lord is with me and I am above the pain.
If anything I am beginning to see the fear, pain, and unsettlement with the discontented. And I thank the Lord because this is His gift to me.
I am not saying that I am totally immune to any slip of the double edged sword, only that it is simply annoying now. If I do settle on negative words spoken over me too long I bring it before my Lord and confess it to my husband and he usually makes me laugh at it one way or another.
There are safe places in the world, but sometimes I need to venture away from them and come into contact with gloom. It used to cut me deep. It is now barely a scrape and I really wanted to blog about it. Maybe for my benefit or maybe for someone else's.
God Bless,
Jackie

drug addict vs. physically dependant

2010-09-04T21:15:00.000-07:00

After reading a great article on breaking addictions I was left feeling more discouraged and confused than ever. I think that most folks don't understand opiate addiction. It is hands down the most excruciating, painful, agonizing event one can go through in one's life. It is not the same as breaking a nicotine or fast food addiction, or even a cocaine or crack addiction. Let me explain a little further.
Opiates have the ability to hook folks on two seperate levels... physcologically as well as physically. When taking a medication for pain, (especially pain from complications after getting 2 organs removed, as I had) the level of euphoria that is reached by these medications are zero. Therefore no real phsycological or emotional addiction occurs. It's different than if an addict were taking drugs to get high or escape pain.
Unfortunately, once my dopamine receptors in my body got used to being filled unnaturally by the prescription narcotics, I became physically addicted. I had no emotional or mental dependance on these drugs. My physical being became so used to having artificial endorphins that it formed a strictly physical dependance.
That is why although I am physically addicted to the medicine my body has gotten used to, I am certainly not a drug addict that craves anything from this drug. If anything, it made me feel like crap while on it, it put me in bads moods often.
One of the better solutions I have heard on how to fix an addiction is to fast. I highly recommend doing this in order to break any stronghold in one's life. I have done it before in dealing with anxiety issues and it does hold power.
However, to fast during an excruciating opiate withdrawal would be pure hell. In addition to dealing with pain from no longer taking my meds, I would have to deal with withdrawal symptoms as well as try to stop the muscle spasms and leg kicks long enough to pray.
One of the best pieces of advice I can give to someone going through this physical ordeal is to eat a healthy and low processed diet. Eat lots or fruits and veggies. Detox from opiates has killed many people. I think that if I needed to do a fast for a physcological withdrawal I would certainly wait until it was physically safe as well as possible. Fortunately the Lord shielded me from ever becoming 'dependant' on this medicine the way a person becomes dependant on other soothing or relaxing addictions.
I appreciate reading about how others got through thier addictions. I think it's important to share what worked and what didn't. It makes the road smoother for those yet to go through it. That is why I am writing this blog.
What is important to remember is that there are different types of withdrawals, drugs to withdrawal from, as well as addictions. A plan for someone who got high is going to be different than a plan for someone who took small doses of appropriate medicine for pain associated with endometriosis, adenomyosis, organ removal, as well as bladder sling surgery.
I also feel it's important that a person who's body has become used to and dependant on meds, not be lumped in with a person who takes drugs to feed a craving or to attain a feeling.
Hope this didn't bore you to death. Just had to clear this up.
God Bless,
Jackie

all over the place

2010-09-03T07:32:00.001-07:00

It seems like and certainly feels like I have been making good progress lately. My daily dosing is miniscule compared to what it was just two weeks ago. I can't say that it's getting any easier though. Some tough decisions had to be made recently reguarding my water pots and there are now only two currently at home. My Mom and Dad are helping me with the oldest of the three, since he is the one that suffers the most when I am out of comission.
It is the hardest part of this whole withdrawal mess... my life crumbles around me while I take time to get well. Our schedule is non-existent, our meals become simpler, and the laundry and general straightening up don't get done. My bones and muscles don't allow me to move the way I need to in order to get housework done and my brain can't focus on anything other than pain or panic. Not to get too gross or graphic, but the consistant vomiting and gut wrenching gastro issues are in full swing as well. I have reached the point of no return. In order to feel "better" I would need to take such a high milligram dose of my medicine that it would set me waaaay back in the plan.
I have discovered another natural seed(at the health food store) that seems to help more than the others with the symptoms, but in order to extract the main healing qualities that would give me some relief, I need to brew it into a tea and drink it... and my tummy just can't handle that right now.
Although I feel like I am dying, there is something good going on inside of me. Healing of my soul and restoration of the Spirit that was quieted for a while. I didn't even realize it. I didn't see the Mom I had become. My patience was gone with my kids. I homeschooled, but I had become a Nazi about it. There has not been much joy in my house lately and it was all because of my moods. Anyone who has had to take pain medicine for any period of time knows that while on it, our patience level is zero. I was perpetually irritated with everyone and everything almost all the time. I couldn't relax and enjoy my kids. I was not taking the best care of these amazing little humans entrusted to me by our Lord.
Having this revelation made me ill. I haven't cried that hard in a long time, as I did when it hit me what type of person I've been lately. The Lord has been bringing past conversations and experiences to my mind that I had forgotten about. I can never again go back to being a complete bitch constantly numbed to my bitchiness because of opiates.
These new revelations kind of get me down, but also kind of give me hope. I have given myself over to the Lord. That is how I know everything will be better than okay. He helps me and I literally burst out in songs of thanksgiving. I can't wait to be whole and healthy.
Thanks for reading.
God Bless,
Jackie

no end in sight...

2010-08-29T08:35:00.000-07:00

The days are getting long and annoying. I was able to get some relief last night as I met with the Saints in Gainesville, but now I am back in my home. Sitting here at the table trying not to think about the anxiety and hopelessness that keeps trying to take over my mind.
I am almost two weeks into this weaning process and I still have a ways to go. I take just enough of my prescription narcotic to keep me from going over to the 'dark side' in my mind.
Withdrawal is withdrawal, whether I am getting off of herion or percocets, it all feels the same. An opiate kick is a universal sickness. A sickness that I am getting so used to, that it feels like a part of me.
When I first began to clean out the toxins in my kitchen pantry and fridge as well as the products in my bathroom, I figured that this weaning process would be a breeze. My hopes were high and I was not worn down with 10 days of sickness, anxiety, and depression.
Now, I am sure that I could be feeling alot worse if I decided to overload my liver, kidneys, and colon with processed junk. But I am certainly not skating out of the standard symptoms just because I am eating better now. I do have to say that the remedies that have kept me from losing my mind have been these... Kava tea, valerian root, wheat grass shots that seem to give me burts of energy, and melatonin for sleep. Probably the most important part of my detox has been the strength of my Lord.
Whenever I've tried to do this before it has always been my weakness that has caused me to fear and give in. I have to say that this time my weakness have proven to be my most important variable in all this... He is showing Himself strong and real to me. He is here and I know that this is the right time to do this. I saw Him last night and as I was prayed for, realized that it was Him praying for me through His Body.
So, today I am weary. I am getting tired of feeling sick. And I am totally and desperately dependant on my Lord to get me through this.
Thanks for reading.
Jackie

my doctor is a drug dealer

2010-08-27T09:11:00.000-07:00

This morning was my appointment with my pain doctor. I informed him of my decision to wean off of my medicine in an attempt to be completely free by the time we move to Gainseville. I was hoping he would offer words of encouragement, advice, and maybe even some blood pressure medicine to help.
Instead, I was offered an additional script for the narcotic that I am trying to stop taking, as well as some extra refills, and a referral to see the pain doctor at Shands in Gainesville. Devastated, discouraged, confused, and for a moment second guessing why I am going through this at all, I feel let down.
The car ride home was difficult. I kept asking myself if I was making the right decision. A heartfelt prayer and deep breathing reminded me that in my own strength it will be hard, too hard.
I am listening to my Lord in every situation these days, particularly this one. This medicine has numbed me from certain feelings. It has taken away pain as well as taken away a piece of my personality and my excitement for life that I once had. It has made me a shadow of my true self. So will it be worth the pain to live totally clear minded? We'll see, but I think so.
The last couple of months, the side effects of all the un-natural substances put into my body has been making me sick and zapping me of the energy I need to live this life to the fullest. Not only the opiates, but all the processed food, sugar, and dairy. All of it has made me feel like an eighty year old woman trapped in my skin.
Today is rough. My patience is at an all time low. I can't sit still. Every other minutes feels like I am on the verge of a heart attack. Crying does no good. The sound of myself crying irritates the crap out of me. Screaming helps, but can't do it with my little ones here. To be touched brings about an uncomfortable-ness that makes me jump out of my skin. To hold a conversation, even a short one, brings about panic attacks. Darn, this is getting hard.
Looks like I may have to slow down the weaning process for the sake of my family. My kids well being is more important than urgency I am feeling to be done with it. They are really good boys who are happy to be having "days off" from our normal routine of preschool in the am and first grade in the afternoon. They really are good kids.
I just took valerian root for the anxiety and I am going to make some Kava Kava tea to try to quiet my mind and relax my aching body.
Thanks for reading. God Bless.
He is Good,
Jackie

waking up from the opiate fog

2010-08-25T18:53:00.000-07:00

Here I am again. In this place of hope and renewal as well as despair and death.
I am dopesick, only I don't do dope. For the last year I have been on the drug many call 'methadone light'. It is a narcotic that I have been taking for pain following my surgery last year. My doctor and I had planned to follow a long term pain management program. And that was the plan. Until last week...
The Lord confirmed in my heart that it is safe and right to wean off this drug. This is the time to do it. It has been about a week since I started this process. It has not been as easy as I hoped which makes me believe that when I make the final jump to completely opiate free, life will become hell on earth. I plan on journalling this month as I go through the detox. It helps me and maybe one day it will help another.
The past severals days have been an experiment, sort of. My plan is to be so incredibly health-ful and nutrition packed that I actually live a little through the withdrawal. I have stocked up on all sorts of natural remedies for stress... Kava tea and valerian root; I have begun a Colonix colon detox program and eventually will add a kidney and liver detox too. Cut out processed, sugary, foods. No more gluten or cows milk... only almond milk from now on. Wheat grass shots in the am, mineral vitamins, B6, and melatonin in the pm. As well as excersize and the most important part of my plan... staying in the Word constantly. Like everytime I get a minute to read a verse or a few verses.
So far I ache and I crave, bad. I feel alright half the time and like Leo in Basketball Diaries the rest of the time. And I am in the beginning stages. I do not look forward to the days after I take the jump completely off.
I will keep posting throughout.
Thanks for reading. God Bless.
Jackie

no longer living the individual christian life...

2010-07-26T09:42:00.001-07:00

Is there such a thing as "God's will" for my life?
I used to think so. The question that I have been asking lately is, what is the purpose for us being here? As I learn the answer to that question I also learn that I will never have a corner on the truth. None of us will in this life and anyone who claims to is dangerous.
What I do know is that my purpose for being here has more to do with God than it does with fulfilling human need. As much as it feels like my purpose is my kids, my husband, opening up a home for women in need, sharing the Gospel, etc., my real purpose is to express life. Life given to me by my Creator. I am here because He wants me here.
The Bible speaks over and over again about living as a Body and being built together with Christ as the "Foundation" or the "Cornerstone". He never speaks about sending us on individual crusades to save the world. Every purpose designed for humans was designed for the Church as a whole.
I have spent most of my Christian life searching for God's will for my life, but His will is that I would join the church in it's purpose. He is coming back for His Bride, not for a bunch of people here and there, but for "a Bride". One Bride.
What about different denominations? How can we be one Bride when we are divided into this pastor's church and that pastor's church? I believe that denominations slice up the Body. Christ's words were not meant to be debated over and torn apart. His teachings were not meant to divide us. I believe that His words were meant for us to share and to give us life to express when we do come together as the Body.
I don't know where this 'individual' or 'personal' Savior trend started. Certainly not in the Bible. God doesn't call us to live individually or personally. He called us to live lives together. To know eachother's kids and to lift eachother up when a member needs lifting up. What I have seen and have had happen to me in the religious institutions are sickening... members being tossed out for 'saying the wrong things'. Church planters staying well beyond the 'church planting' stage and taking the wrongful place at the head of Christ's Church. Giving credit to people that belongs to Christ Himself. I will never fall into that trap again. In our search for God's will for our lives, we forgot that this isn't about us. This life isn't about how to live more comfortably, or how to get more wealth, or how to build bigger church buildings. Paul was so patient and loving and kind in reminding the Church over and over again that He is all we need. Everything is rubbish next to having Christ live in and through us.
To see Her, the Church, as the fiance' of our Jesus is stunning. She moves with Him and needs Him and doesn't want to live without Him. It no longer becomes about us and our needs, but about our King, Jesus Christ.
I am so grateful that the Lord has forgiven me for taking my eyes off of Him. I am thankful for the grace He's given me in bringing me back to walking with Him in righteousness and faith.
Thank you for reading my very first blog on here. I look forward to writing many more that reveal the words on my heart.
In Him,
Jackie